Young Writers Society

“I’d just had another go at her...Sarah. She’d been regaling me with another of her life-stories. No, I don’t remember what it was about-probably some situation she was facing at home or how she came to find a five-dollar note on the sidewalk. Why do you want to know anyway?

“Fair enough, but it seems to me that knowing exactly what Sarah Hill was talking about at 8.30 a.m doesn’t have much significance in the whole scheme of things...everything that’s happened here. Are you documenting the tragedy or researching a biography of Sarah’s life! Wait, no, I’m sorry, that was uncalled for. But, God, it’s only been a week. Don’t we all have our own scars to tend?

“Don’t worry, I’ll answer your questions...I need to talk to somebody. Just have a little respect. Thank you... So yes, I yelled at her, told her to shut up and be more professional...Of course I’d have been kinder to her, but how could I have known...
"Of course I regret it! How dare you suggest that I wouldn’t care, wouldn’t regret! I’m not the heartless woman you seem to take me for! You say you want my story, but all you seem interested in is trying to get me to say what you want to hear! If you want my recollection, listen and let me tell it...please. God, people should be allowed to share their experiences of this...

“Sorry, sorry. Emotions running wild, I can’t get my head into normality again. Yes, I’m ready, thank you. Next...I sent her-Sarah- upstairs to run a message to Taylor Scott, one of my collegues. Her office was on the ninety...sixth floor. Yes, of course we had fax machines, but I just wanted to get Sarah out of my sight for a while. God, if only I’d faxed it...
“I worked on the ninety-fourth floor, by the way...for Marsh & McLennan, an insurance company. The company occupied the ninety-fourth floor to the hundredth floor. It was the worst hit...

“I didn’t know anything until it happened. Suddenly the world just exploded around us...it was chaos everywhere. People were screaming, I couldn’t see anything, there was dust everywhere. It hardly cleared at all, it was like looking through mist. The lights were flickering, bodies were everywhere...There were a few survivors in the room, but one half of the space had been destroyed. The wall with the elevators was just...gone...No one knew what had happened, there were screams of bombs and that we were all going to die...I was so scared. Terrified...I was sobbing, all I could think about was getting out of there. God, the noise...

“I couldn’t see anything-the electricity was short-circuiting. The lights were sparking...It was like Hell. One girl was praying, another was on her cellphone, talking to her mum. She was crying, talking like she was going to die...saying goodbye. Plaster was falling from the roof, plaster and chunks of the ceiling. A few people were pulling at others, trying to get them to safety. I didn’t...I just ran.

“I was feeling along the wall, trying to find the door. I didn’t see the shattered brickwork. It broke as I pressed against it, empty air under my feet. Hell behind me, people screaming on the sidewalk below. Someone pulled me back as I was falling. They dragged me into the room and shoved me towards the stairs. When I looked around they’d gone, just another of the crushing, terrified crowd. I stumbled through the door, looking around me. The stairs were crumbling, chunks of concrete falling away along with sections of the once-grand wall...

“Only as I tried to navigate down the ruined stairs did I realize I was bleeding. My suit was sodden with already-congealing blood all down the left arm, my collar ripped and the skin beneath it gashed. Pieces of metal and wood were embedded deep in my muscle. I couldn’t raise that arm to protect my face...I couldn’t get away from the screams, the urgent ring of cellphones as people watching the tower tried to contact their loved ones, praying that they were on a lunch break, had gone out for a coffee...anywhere but in the tower. I was choking on the dust, it was so thick, I could hardly breathe. Every time I inhaled I could taste the dust, somehow taste the horror in the air.

“A piercing scream was rising above all the others...I could hear terror, pure, animal terror in that broken scream...the scream of someone damned. It was only as I fell into a shattered mirror that I realized it was mine...

“I was stumbling in the dark-I fell several times. One of my shoes had been lost along the way. I didn’t think of what was happening above me, to the people who had had the courage to stay and help others. I was dizzy from the loss of blood and the rush downward, forever down...doing everything to continue that frantic, scrambling pace down to the main doors...to safety, to people who still could know happiness.

“A girl was crouching in the corner as I turned down yet another flight of stairs. I could barely see for the spinning of my dazed head or the cloying dust.. The sparking lights were now flashing on-off, on-off, illuminating the other’s eyes. Something about her expression scared me more than anything I had just come through. My hand trembled as I-almost unconsciously-held it out to her. The cries echoing round my skull somehow faded as I looked at her shaking body. She was reaching out her hand to mine...

”I jolted back as the entire corner she was sitting in grew a pattern of cracks, before separating from the main tower entirely...My scream rang out as I held her eyes. They were empty, so empty, as she fell. I watched, as the corner she was still huddled in shattered against the ground below...I felt I owed it to her to watch. To live to tell her story, entwined with mine forever...

“I don’t know how I got out. The girls’ face was the only thing in my head, her features mixing and melding with those of Sarah. God, their faces, faces in my head...I knew they were both dead, and Sarah had died because of me... The tears running down my face were the only obstruction to my vision now...I was so close, the daylight was striping my face as the dust cleared-down so far from the explosion, it only swirled around my feet a little.

“Arms dragged me out of the doors...people pulled me away, shouting. The police were there, the ambulance...I was taken over to an ambulance...as they loaded me in, I saw the tower, burning, next to its twin. That was the first time I realized that they had both been hit. I had thought it was just the North tower... The full horror hit me then, at seeing the scale of this...I had escaped from Hell, and I knew even the few survivors would never forget this day, the date forever burnt into us.

“The date of 9/11.”

This was amazing. The imagery was great, and i can't think of anything else to say about it other than it is amazing.

Hello, Vampyre! (plz tell me you don't sparkle 0.0) Haha, just kidding.
Anyways, Pink here, dropping by to do a review

Shall we get started?

“I’d just had another go at her...Sarah

The very first thing that pops at me is that quotation mark that doesn't have an ending. I mean, maybe I'm missing something but I don't think it's supposed to be there unless something is being said.

“Don’t worry, I’ll answer your questions...I need to talk to somebody. Just have a little respect. Thank you... So yes, I yelled at her, told her to shut up and be more professional...Of course I’d have been kinder to her, but how could I have known... Of course I regret it!

Okay so after reading the first paragraph I've come to understand the way you were writing. I guess it's just one person talking, answering questions that we don't hear. I'm cool with that, in fact it's a pretty neat idea.
But there is a downfall. We can easily become confused so you, as the writer, have to ensure that everything you're saying makes sense.
To do that, I would suggest you break up his levels of volume. I'll use this quote as an example. See at the end, where he suddenly gets angry and says he regret's it? Well put that in a new line. Also this would be even better if you added some simple body language. I'll rewrite this quote accordingly.

"Don't worry, I'll answer your questions." I wipe my forehead. "I need to talk to somebody, it's just...have a little respect. Thank you." I began tapping my foot. "Yes, I yelled at her. I told her to shut up and be more professional. Of course I could've been kinder to her but how could I have known?"
I narrowed my eyes. "Of course I regret it!"

Something like that is also possible but it's your story, your writing and I'm just giving you some ideas

Overall
I didn't spot many grammatical errors so that's a total plus!
I like the way you've written the story through a survivors perspective. It's unique and I liked it. I wish you gave more depth to your words since we didn't have any descriptions besides what she was telling us. It would have made this all the better. When I first began reading this I thought it was some kind murder case where someone was being interviewed or whatever but it wasn't and it was sad, reliving such terrible memories. I'm glad you decided to write about something as strong as 9/11, you did a good job in my view. I truly enjoyed reading this.
There isn't anything else I could possibly say so that's all.
This is kind of a worthless review, I think. I'm sorry if it didn't do any justice.
Keep writing!
Cheers,

~Pink

Thanks guys Gad you likey XD

Pink: No, I do NOT sparkle I'm a proper Vampyre XD I just prefer that spelling, it's so much more...archaic.
Anyway, on to the story.

“I’d just had another go at her...Sarah

The very first thing that pops at me is that quotation mark that doesn't have an ending. I mean, maybe I'm missing something but I don't think it's supposed to be there unless something is being said.

Haha, quote within a quote XD. Yes, I was away of that. It was my understanding that, if the same person was speaking, then you only needed a quotation mark at the beginning of the new paragraph. I could be wrong, of course, but that was why I did it.

“Don’t worry, I’ll answer your questions...I need to talk to somebody. Just have a little respect. Thank you... So yes, I yelled at her, told her to shut up and be more professional...Of course I’d have been kinder to her, but how could I have known... Of course I regret it!

Okay so after reading the first paragraph I've come to understand the way you were writing. I guess it's just one person talking, answering questions that we don't hear. I'm cool with that, in fact it's a pretty neat idea.
But there is a downfall. We can easily become confused so you, as the writer, have to ensure that everything you're saying makes sense.
To do that, I would suggest you break up his levels of volume. I'll use this quote as an example. See at the end, where he suddenly gets angry and says he regret's it? Well put that in a new line. Also this would be even better if you added some simple body language. I'll rewrite this quote accordingly.

Yes, I can see where you would get confused there, I'll go change it, thanks for pointing it out And it's a good suggestion about breaking it up with body language, but the idea is that it's a monologue, purely speech.

I'm really glad you liked it, and one thing that really interests me is that you automatically thought it was a guy, because I ALWAYS visualised the MC as a girl, but when I read it back, there is noting saying if she/he is or isn't. Hmmm, I kind of like it that way... EDIT: No, I take it back. It does mention her being a woman.

I’m not the heartless woman you seem to take me for!

Oh God, I got goosebumps. That was so well written. It was very emotional and thought-provoking to read. Well done. No criticism from me.

Hey Vamp. Here as promised.

Nitpick #1

No, I don’t remember what it was about--probably some situation she was facing at home or how she came to find a five-dollar note on the sidewalk.

Nitpick #2

Are you documenting the tragedy or researching a biography of Sarah’s life?

>> Just suggesting.

Nitpick #3

I sent her--Sarah--upstairs to run a message to Taylor Scott, one of my collegues.

Nitpick #4

I was stumbling in the dark. I fell several times.

Nitpick #5

My hand trembled as I, almost unconsciously, held it out to her.

Nitpick #6

My scream rang out as I held her eyes.

Um...held?

Nitpick #6

The girl's face was the only thing in my head, her features mixing and melding with those of Sarah.

Nitpick #7

I was so close, the daylight was striping my face as the dust cleared<no hyphen>down so far from the explosion, it only swirled around my feet a little.

OVERALL

The style was nice. Informal. Just like cool chat. Though the opening was so confusing. But it was okay anyway. I just think, it doesn't pull in the reader. Anyway, Nice one.

~ Jash ♥

I don't know if you were there that day, so please don't take this personally. As a work of fiction, there is some great imagery and stream-of-consciousness here; but I don't think that you truly captured the feelings of 9/11 because you can't recreate something like that unless you actually experienced it-I don't know if you could even if you were on the 96th floor.
There were some grammatical errors, and the narrative was a bit choppy-to be perfectly honest, it was like I was reading a rough draft; but I do think that this can be turned into something special with some research(if you haven't already done some, and if you have then this seems more like internet research to me, not something more solid like a survivor's memoir), and a few stages of refinement.

The main thing I have a problem with is the first-person stream-of-consciousness style. Since this is a historical piece of fiction, and real works of history are written in the 3rd person, and since (to my knowledge) you didn't experience 9/11 or do any research with a survivor of the 94th floor, this entire piece is invalid as a work of HISTORICAL fiction; this seems more like if I were to write a first person chronicle of a Nazi concentration camp, or Abe Lincoln during the Civil War.

There are some good instances of imagery and something that was really strong was the delayed revalation that main character was bleeding-the rush of adrenaline and all out chaos definitely would have drowned out the pain. Another great point was the Sarah plot and the instance with the girl who fell-both were things that I think even myself who lives in California and was seven at the time can truly understand, even though the girl's corner falling out was unfounded.

On the whole, very promising as a clinic of imagery and emotion, but even in its strongest points there will always be a sense of disconnection, or to be blunt "phoniness" with this.

Good, excellent. Although watch punctuation such as:

“Arms dragged me out of the doors...people pulled me away, shouting. The police were there, the ambulance...I was taken over to an ambulance...as they loaded me in, I saw the tower, burning, next to its twin. That was the first time I realized that they had both been hit. I had thought it was just the North tower... The full horror hit me then, at seeing the scale of this...I had escaped from Hell, and I knew even the few survivors would never forget this day, the date forever burnt into us. There should be another lot of inverted commas at the end of each speech

But it's excellent.