Young Writers Society

Dear Lucy,

My heart aches whenever I think about you. I know I will see you soon, but it just seems so far away. It isn’t so bad over here, not as bad as some people think. Its like the newsreels, but more life threatening then a black and white screen. I am in the trenches, but do not fear I am safe. Very few have died so far, and I am beginning to think that I will survive this war, no, I do not think it, I know it. I know we will soon be together. We will wed and have many children and live in the same neighborhood where we grew up together. They can go to the high school where we had our first kiss and danced our first dance together, and we will grow old together and watch as they grow. Oh Lucy, how I miss you and wish you were here. No, I do not wish you were here. I wish I was back home, I could not stand for you to witness the gun shots and the deafening roars of enemy planes overhead. I love you so much, and will be with you again soon.

Love from,
William

I put down my pencil and frowned at the letter. I had poured out my heart to her once again. She wanted me to tell her everything about how it was, she wanted me to be honest with her. But I just couldn’t be honest. I didn’t want her to know how much danger I was in. The gas mask I was wearing made sweat appear on my face. We hadn’t had to wear them all the time, but now since the gassing and bombing was getting worse we had to. Aside from the small exception of eating and drinking.

I folded the letter and placed it in an envelope scrawling her name across it and her address that I had known ever since I was seven and she was five. I remembered her wild blond hair always being in a mess from running around the neighborhood skinning her knees. Her bright blue eyes had always been more beautiful than any others I had ever seen and her smile seemed like sunshine on a cloudy day.

“Is that for Lucy?” my best friend Charles asked me. His words were blurred together because of the mask, and I could hardly tell it was him aside from his deep voice. I nodded and held it in my shaking hands. The dark walls surrounding us seemed like a cage in the dim light of dusk. “Do you love her?”

“I would die for her,” I whispered, not sure if he had heard my answer. It was nights like this that I felt at peace. The stars slowly started peeking out from their hiding places in the sky and the moon slowly rose, shedding light into the deep dark hole. “What about your wife?” I asked Charles.

He let out a muffled sigh and glanced around before pulling off his mask. “She’s pregnant,” he said, scratching his beard and smiling.

I took off my mask as well, noticing that many of the other men were already asleep. “That’s great!” I said, my lips curving into a smile. “I’m so happy for you. You must be excited.”

He nodded and we looked up at the sky in silence. I ran the paper in my hands along my fingers, causing a small drop of blood to appear from a paper cut. I sucked on the flesh to ease the pain before looking over at Charles once again. His eyes were glistening with something different than his usual laughter and encouragement. That was when I realized that his eyes were slowly filling with tears.

“I hope I get to see her and my baby,” he whispered, wiping his eyes.

“You will,” I assured him, clapping a hand on his back. “You will. And then you’ll have to move to Ohio and live near Lucy and me so we can have dinner together.”

Charles smiled and looked deep into my eyes. “I know we’ll see each other again before this war is over, and I know we’ll see each other after.”

“Of course we will,” I said, tears forming in my own green eyes. “Don’t you think otherwise.”

We sat in silence once again, each lost in our own thoughts. I could see him fingering the picture of his wife in his pocket from the corner of my eye and I fingered my letter to Lucy. I could almost see Lucy perfectly, her face had grown hazy, but I could still see her blond hair whipping around her face in the wind and her bright sky blue eyes sparkling with laughter.

“Gas masks on men! Gas masks on! Surprise attack!” the sound of an explosion took me from my reverie of my past. Dirt crumbled onto me drowning my cries of protest. My heart pounded as smoke floated down and settled around us. The screams and thundering sounds of explosions were deafening. I couldn’t breathe, the dirt was like an ocean and I couldn’t swim through it. I couldn’t get through the dark sea around me.

“Lucy!” I cried out her name, receiving a mouthful of dirt instead of her sweet kiss. “Someone help me!” Tears were flowing down my face, and suddenly I realized why I couldn’t breathe. I had taken off my gas mask, and now I couldn’t breathe. I was going to die, I was going to die. “Lucy!” I cried once again, reaching through the dirt and the smoke, hoping that her hand would grip mine and pull me to safety. I wanted her slender fingers to intertwine with mine, her lips to gently press against mine, her eyes to look deep into mine. I wanted to hear her voice one last time before I died, before I left this world.

I reached out, clawing through the dirt until, I felt her. I felt her hand grabbing mine and pulling me through the dirt and to solid ground. I felt her pumping life into my chest as I was laid on firm dirt. I cracked open my eyes, hoping to see her joyous smile, but I didn’t see her. I saw someone else, his hands suddenly limp on my chest. No explosions or screams broke the deathly silence. I felt my heart pounding against my rib cage. I sat up slowly, dirt encrusted around my face. I pushed off the body that was on top of me and looked into his dark lifeless brown eyes. Tears ran down my face in rivers as I coughed and choked and sobbed over the body lying before me. “No,” I whispered. “Charles, please, you can’t leave me here in this war alone! You can’t leave Sandra all alone with her baby, you can’t. You just can’t.” My cries turned into whispers as I felt myself fall against his chest, tears soaking his uniform. I slowly pried open his hand to revealed a crumpled picture of a woman with dark hair falling down her back as she smiled at me with a smile fit to be an angel’s. He had saved my life with his last few breaths, and had left all his loved ones behind, all because of me.

Clods of dirt hit my head as I gripped the wall, walking through the trench and turning away from the bloodied bodies. My heart lurched as I saw the lieutenant's uniform drenched in blood and his mask covering his lifeless eyes. Legs and arms were scattered without bodies, the flesh seeming as if it had been dyed with a red dye. I heard the sound of something beneath my feet and I quickly scooted back, looking at the envelope with the address I had known since I was seven scrawled on the front. The black ink was smeared and dirt lined the paper. I held it in my hand, looking around at everything that was left of my section.

I took one last look at Charles' bloodied and torn body before standing up and clawing my way up out of the trench. Stupidity reigned throughout my body now, the trenches had been a place of safety from the Germans around us. But I didn’t care any more, the trenches were no safe haven for men. It was a dark, dank prison that only resulted in death. I took one last look at the piles of dirt and the bloodied bodies that were piled on top of each other as if they were worthless, as if they were just worthless animals that had been slaughtered. Slaughtered for nothing. I walked across the field and towards the moon, the letter still clasped in my right while the photo was safe in my pocket. I would just have to deliver them myself. I took one last look at the deep hole where I had spent over a year of my life and shuddered, closing my eyes to block out the horrible sight in front of me. I blocked out the echos of the screams that still lingered in the war torn air before I slowly broke into a run, running away from the dark prison of the trenches.

Forestqueen808 wrote:Dear Lucy,

My heart aches whenever I think about you. I know I will see you soon, but it just seems so far away. It isn’t so bad over here, not as bad as some people think. Its like the newsreels, but more life threatening then a black and white screen. I am in the trenches, but do not fear I am safe. Very few have died so far, and I am beginning to think that I will survive this war, no, I do not think it, I know it. I know we will soon be together. We will wed and have many children and live in the same neighborhood where we grew up together. They can go to the high school where we had our first kiss and danced our first dance together, and we will grow old together and watch as they grow. Oh Lucy, how I miss you and wish you were here. No, I do not wish you were here. I wish I was back home, I could not stand for you to witness the gun shots and the deafening roars of enemy planes overhead. I love you so much, and will be with you again soon.

Love from,
William

I put down my pencil and frowned at the letter. I had poured out my heart to her once again. She wanted me to tell her everything about how it was, she wanted me to be honest with her. But I just couldn’t be honest. I didn’t want her to know how much danger I was in. The gas mask I was wearing made sweat appear on my face. We hadn’t had to wear them all the time, but now since the gassing and bombing was getting worse we had to. Aside from the small exception of eating and drinking.

I folded the letter and placed it in an envelope scrawling her name across it and her address that I had known ever since I was seven and she was five. I remembered her wild blond hair always being in a mess from running around the neighborhood skinning her knees. Her bright blue eyes had always been more beautiful than any others I had ever seen and her smile seemed like sunshine on a cloudy day.

“Is that for Lucy?” my best friend Charles asked me. His words were blurred together because of the mask, and I could hardly tell it was him aside from his deep voice. I nodded and held it in my shaking hands. The dark walls surrounding us seemed like a cage in the dim light of dusk. “Do you love her?”

“I would die for her,” I whispered, not sure if he had heard my answer. It was nights like this that I felt at peace. The stars slowly started peeking out from their hiding places in the sky and the moon slowly rose, shedding light into the deep dark hole. “What about your wife?” I asked Charles.

He let out a muffled sigh and glanced around before pulling off his mask. “She’s pregnant,” he said, scratching his beard and smiling.

I took off my mask as well, noticing that many of the other men were already asleep. “That’s great!” I said, smiling back at him. “I’m so happy for you. You must be excited.”

He nodded and we looked up at the sky in silence. I ran the paper in my hands along my fingers, causing a small drop of blood to appear from a paper cut. I sucked on the flesh to ease the pain before looking over at Charles once again. His eyes were glistening with something different than his usual laughter and encouragement. That was when I realized that his eyes were slowly filling with tears.

“I hope I get to see her and my baby,” he whispered, wiping his eyes.

“You will,” I assured him, clapping a hand on his back. “You will. And then you’ll have to move to Ohio and live near Lucy and me so we can have dinner together.”

Charles smiled and looked deep into my eyes. “I know we’ll see each other again before this war is over, and I know we’ll see each other after.”

“Of course we will,” I said, tears forming in my own green eyes. “Don’t you think otherwise.”

We sat in silence once again, each lost in our own thoughts. I could see him fingering the picture of his wife in his pocket from the corner of my eye and I fingered my letter to Lucy. I could almost see Lucy perfectly, her face had grown hazy, but I could still see her blond hair whipping around her face in the wind and her bright sky blue eyes sparkling with laughter.

“Gas masks on men! Gas masks on! Surprise attack!” the sound of an explosion took me from my reverie of my past. Dirt crumbled onto me drowning my cries of protest. My heart pounded as smoke floated down and settled around us. The screams and thundering sounds of explosions were deafening. I couldn’t breathe, the dirt was like an ocean and I couldn’t swim through it. I couldn’t get through the dark sea around me.

“Lucy!” I cried out her name, receiving a mouthful of dirt instead of her sweet kiss. “Someone help me!” Tears were flowing down my face, and suddenly I realized why I couldn’t breathe. I had taken off my gas mask, and now I couldn’t breathe. I was going to die, I was going to die. “Lucy!” I cried once again, reaching through the dirt and the smoke, hoping that her hand would grip mine and pull me to safety. I wanted her slender fingers to intertwine with mine, her lips to gently press against mine, her eyes to look deep into mine. I wanted to hear her voice one last time before I died, before I left this world.

I reached out, clawing through the dirt until, I felt her. I felt her hand grabbing mine and pulling me through the dirt and to solid ground. I felt her pumping life into my chest as I was laid on firm dirt. I cracked open my eyes, hoping to see her joyous smile, but I didn’t see her. I saw someone else, his hands suddenly limp on my chest. No explosions or screams broke the deathly silence. I felt my heart pounding against my rib cage. I sat up slowly, dirt encrusted around my face. I pushed off the body that was on top of me and looked into his dark lifeless brown eyes. Tears ran down my face in rivers as I coughed and choked and sobbed over the body lying before me. “No,” I whispered. “Charles, please, you can’t leave me here in this war alone! You can’t leave Sandra all alone with her baby, you can’t. You just can’t.” My cries turned into whispers as I felt myself fall against his chest, tears soaking his uniform. I slowly pried open his hand to revealed a crumpled picture of a woman with dark hair falling down her back as she smiled at me with a smile fit to be an angel’s. He had saved my life with his last few breaths, and had left all his loved ones behind, all because of me.

Clods of dirt hit my head as I gripped the wall, walking through the trench and turning away from the bloodied bodies. My heart lurched as I saw the lutenint's uniform drenched in blood and his mask covering his lifeless eyes. Legs and arms were scattered without bodies, the flesh seeming as if it had been dyed with a red dye. I heard the sound of something beneath my feet and I quickly scooted back, looking at the envelope with the address I had known since I was seven scrawled on the front. The black ink was smeared and dirt lined the paper. I held it in my hand, looking around at everything that was left of my section.

I took one last look at Charles' bloodied and torn body before standing up and clawing my way up out of the trench. Stupidity reigned throughout my body now, the trenches had been a place of safety from the Germans around us. But I didn’t care any more, the trenches were no safe haven for men. It was a dark, dank prison that only resulted in death. I took one last look at the piles of dirt and the bloodied bodies that were piled on top of each other as if they were worthless, as if they were just worthless animals that had been slaughtered. Slaughtered for nothing. I walked across the field and towards the moon, the letter still clasped in my right while the photo was safe in my pocket. I would just have to deliver them myself. I took one last look at the deep hole where I had spent over a year of my life and shuddered. I slowly broke into a run, running away from the dark prison of the trenches.

The purple places are the places where you really good emotion
The blue places are where you had me going 'Don't die, don't die!'

Over all-
Oh, my god, you wrote that perfectly. I loved the uses of emotion and fear in this piece.
~Kit

Hi Forestqueen, Pink here

Its like the newsreels, but more life threatening then a black and white screen.

Should be it's.

I had poured out my heart to her once again. She wanted me to tell her everything about how it was,

Either end the sentence after was or put a semi-colon. ;

Aside from the small exception of eating and drinking.

This is considered a fragment unless you put something like "That is aside from..." In the beginning.

“Gas masks on men! Gas masks on! Surprise attack!” the sound of an explosion took me from my reverie of my past.

Capitalize 'the' because the quote isn't a talking explosion. That would be weird, haha.

“Lucy!” I cried once again, reaching through the dirt and the smoke, hoping that her hand would grip mine and pull me to safety. I wanted her slender fingers to intertwine with mine, her lips to gently press against mine, her eyes to look deep into mine. I wanted to hear her voice one last time before I died, before I left this world.

I love the way you wrote this part, beautiful! I found a little goosebumps crawl up my arms too, good job!

I saw someone else, his hands suddenly limp on my chest

"I saw someone else with his hands suddenly limp on my chest."
Poor Charles! I didn't think it was going to be him!!

My heart lurched as I saw the lutenint's uniform drenched in blood and his mask covering his lifeless eyes.

I think it's spelled Lieutenant but I think there's more than one way to spell that...I'm not sure.

. But I didn’t care any more, the trenches were no safe haven for men.

Anymore. It can be one word.



Overall
This was considerably good and I enjoyed reading this. The only thing I would advise is to use more body language rather then simple uses of words like 'smile', 'frowned' or 'laughed'.
The corners of my mouth tipped as I thought about her.
My eyes softened as I looked at the letter and I found my fingers gently rolled up and down the delicate inked paper.
I don't know, something like that. That's really all, watch out for choppy sentences and misused commas. Sometimes I find myself doing the same thing so don't worry. Hope I helped a little
Cheers,

~Pink

Wow, that's all I can say wow. The detail was amazing and as was the emotion. I do have one thing I didn't like about it, that you had someone close to the MC die so soon. Now that might just be me because I hate when anyone dies in a story. Other than that there might have been some grammar and spelling errors, but I'm in no mood to do nitpicks right now. I can't wait to read the next chapter of this story. --Bree

I want to review this, but I have to go in a few minutes.

Watch this space!

Hi, Forest!

So, I just had a few comments. First, I just wanted to say that the general idea and emotion you put into this piece is done well. I can tell you really cared about this piece and wanted to make it the absolute best that it could be. For that, I respect you. However, I feel like this could be a lot better.

The characters just seem a little dull. Take Charles for instance. When you introduce him, you say that they're best friends, but you don't really do anything to show us that. All they really do is talk about each of their partners. And, if they were best friends, wouldn't Charles know he was in love with Lucy? What you could really do is make the scene where they talk a bit longer. Did they join the army together? Meet there? Is either character extra-paranoid that they will die and thus reminiscing on memories? To be honest, I knew that Charles would die. I'd make the hints of the future a bit more subtle so that it seems more of a shock. If you have characters just talk about the future in a setting where they could die at any given moment, you'll know something won't be right.

I never really felt the bond between William and Lucy either. Just because we never see Lucy throughout the course of the story doesn't mean that she can't be a strong character. What does William miss the most about Lucy besides her looks and kisses? That's all you mention, really. Maybe what you could do is show us more letters sent between Lucy and William. That way, you'll get a chance to dive into her voice and show us, in a way, what their relationship was like. That will make the ending seem much more powerful.

Anyway, I can tell you're getting to be very good writer! PM me if you have any further questions.

-Elinor x