z

Young Writers Society


Number Ninety six Part I



User avatar
151 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 8414
Reviews: 151
Sun Aug 22, 2010 2:31 am
Forestqueen808 says...



Tears mingled with the rain as she looked up into his eyes, her heart leaping at the thought that she might never see him again. She placed her hand gently against his cheek, a single tear flowing onto her hand from his eyes.

“I’ll be back soon Rose,” he whispers to her, wiping a tear from her cheek with his own hand. “Just…don’t forget me while I’m out there, alright?” he asked, grinning slightly.

“You know I could never forget you John,” Rose whispered. “You’re my whole world.” He removed her hands slowly from her face and leaned in, her heart pounding as he kissed her for what may be the last time. She pushed the thought away as they pulled apart, but as he climbed onto the wagon and drove off into the rain, she couldn’t help but let it return into her mind.

She swept back a few stray auburn hairs from her wet face before picking up her long green dress and walking slowly to her home. She kept glancing in the direction that the wagon had disappeared through the rain, hoping to catch a glimpse of his new gray uniform, his sopping dark hair, and his shining smile.

As Rose walked through the front door and went up the grand staircase to change out of her clothes she couldn’t help but glance at the blank stationary that sat on her cherry wood desk. Oh how she wished to receive a letter from John as soon as possible. Her friends and two younger sisters had all thought it very romantic, a soldier and a woman torn apart by war, kept together by letters. Rose had thought it all very exciting and romantic too, until she realized the danger that would be placed in front of her beloved John.

The Yankees were winning, men from the South were dying, and more were sure to be dead in maybe less than an hour. Her John could be dead in a day…She pushed the thought away quickly, sitting down in her underclothes at the desk and pouring out her love to John like the rain pouring outside.

My dearest John,

You have to be safe, for me, for your family. I would hate to lose the only man I could ever love, and the only man who could really and truly love me. Write as much as you can, I will look forward to hearing from you every day. My heart aches already and you left only minutes ago. I wish that I could see you one more time and give you one more kiss, and wrap my arms around you once more, but then I fear I would never be able to let you go. Well, mother is calling for me to come eat some supper, but I fear that I will hardly be able to eat. I shall send this first thing in the morning, be safe, stay well, and know I will always love you.

Yours with love,
Rose


John’s hand shook as he held the letter in his already bloodied hands. By the content of the letter it had been sent a week ago right after he left, but the mail often got lost before it got placed in the right hands. How long would it be until she replied to one of his own letters?

It was early dawn and the light was slowly filling the sky over Tennessee. “Let’s go men,” said the General on his horse. The other joined him and they rode, shooting their guns.

Idiots, John thought. Shouldn’t this be more of a surprise attack? He shot his gun at a Yankee soldier who was still buttoning up his uniform, watching as the body fell to the ground. The horses reared at the sound of the gunshots and John watched as men got trampled, Confederates and Yankees alike.

John pulled the trigger again and he watched bodies fall to the ground, blood soaking their dark blue coats. Sounds of cannons rang through the air as more men fell and John couldn’t help but count them. One, two, three, four….He looked towards the way he had come from for a moment before feeling a stinging pain shoot through his leg. He felt himself toppling from his chestnut horse, a hot sticky liquid like syrup running down his leg.

He closed his eyes, blocking out the sight of feet and horse hooves that walked around him and over him as if he was already dead. Every time he felt the digging heel he heard the crack of a rib, and every time he heard the shouts telling the others who had gone together to watch out he couldn’t help but think of her, of Rose.

“She wanted me to be safe,” he whispered, tears leaking from his eyes. From pain inside or out he did not know. “I’m sorry Rose, but…I don’t think I can make it home in time for…” he let out another groan as a blue clad soldier kicked him in the side. “I won’t be home in time for me to ask you to marry me,” he whispered. He looked up into the soldier’s blue eyes that matched his uniform. He had such a young face. His eyes were filled with terror and gore, but behind it, John could see the light, the laughter, the love. And he suddenly wished that he had never been brought into this cruel, hard war, watching brothers fighting brothers, watching others die right before his eyes. He closed his eyes and let out a sigh as he let out a few more numbers. “Where was I? Ninety three, ninety four, ninety five,” he looked up at the shaking young man one last time before saying: “I guess that makes me number ninety six.”

My dearest Rose,

I am trying ever so hard to come home, and I know I will, or I at least will try. Please do not fear for me, I’ll be fine. I just wish for you to know that I love you and I eagerly await your letters. I’ll be home before you know it. I must go, but I will write back soon.

Love,
John

Rose smiled at the short and simple letter, it had been the first she had received from John and she was itching to write back, but another letter on her desk, a small and simple one. Addressed to Miss Rose Glenn. She ripped open the letter folding it open. Her hands shook as she read the letter five times through before collapsing to the ground and becoming engulfed in her tears.

Dear Ma’am

I am sorry to report that your soon to be fiancée has been killed in our last attack. He was a brave soldier and died nobly.

Sincerely,
Generals Albert Sidney Johnston and P.G.T. Beaurgard



End of Part I
Sorrow lasts through this night
I'll take this piece of you,
and hold for all eternity
For just one second I felt whole... as you flew right through me.


~Sorrow by Flyleaf
  





Random avatar


Gender: None specified
Points: 9631
Reviews: 118
Tue Aug 24, 2010 1:55 am
TheEnigma says...



This was as beautiful as it was sad. I liked how you juxtaposed John's letter with that of the Generals, giving Rose (and the reader) a sort of false hope before hitting her with the hard truth. The way John died, counting the cannon blasts, was also very poignant.

I found very little to critique with this. My only suggestion would be to break up paragraphs--especially the one where he died--a little more. It adds drama and could hook the reader even more tightly. But this is still very good.

Write on.
  





User avatar
30 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 3358
Reviews: 30
Tue Aug 24, 2010 2:12 am
View Likes
jojo48 says...



Two lovers parted by war is a very moving idea. And I like how you switched between views using the letters as a sort of bridge, if you will. But I believe it would be better to start the story with John's point of view as he is dying on the battlefield. You should start with an unnamed soldier going out to battle, and as he lays mortally wounded, you should portray his last thoughts being of his true love, Rose. Then it switches to Rose's point of view. But remember not to make the story move too fast. You should start out explaining Rose's routinely rituals every day as she gets out of bed and gets ready to go wherever she's going. After you've established her character and current position and such, that's when she should get the letter explaining the death of John. Then we feel more remorse for his death and for Rose's loss because we now know more about the characters. And you're doing a good job with the letters, but try to make them more graceful and heartfelt rather than proper. They're sounding too mechanical. Try a little bit of prose. You have to remember that this was the olden days (at least, that's the impression I got) and that people back then used very graceful, descriptive language. It's hard to take on a writing voice that dates back farther than the 40s and 50s since the language we use in modern times went through a few slang changes since then.
It's a dangerous business, going out your door. You step onto the road, and if you don't keep your feet, there's no telling where you might be swept off to. -Bilbo Baggins
  








the button war, the egg being featured member, and santa necro-liking halloween-esque works are the reasons i love yws
— Carina