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The Door



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Sun Aug 22, 2010 3:30 pm
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finishedmakingsense says...



Spoiler! :
I wrote this in a writing class I took, my teacher brought in this creepy bust and we had to write a story about him.


Splash. The puddles now soaked the man's formerly clean pants; they were almost unrecognizable as the ones he had bought just last week. Splish, splash, drip. The man- Charles, was not very pleasant looking, neither were his usually shabby clothes. His skin, pasty cracked plaster, eyes, sinister green, and his eyebrows, (large, red beasts) more drawing than any of his other features took the focus off his carefully parted lips, turned up ever so slightly.Charles wiped his glasses and set them in his pocket, next to his hidden revolver. He then took off his bowler hat and shook the rain out. It was useless now against his deep red hair, carefully parted down the center.

Once again, he went over the plan-- Down the alley, turn right, check your back, knock three times, say the password. His worrisome tendencies kept him fixated on the time. He was late, once again, too caught up in his own thoughts to keep track of the time. How had he gotten caught up in this mess in the first place? Splish, splash. The rain grew heavier, dripping on his face like a pestering child. He was late.

Sure, maybe they wouldn't care. Maybe they would say it was fine, take a seat, have a cup of tea. The far more likely solution would be a shot to the head. Charles was a man who quite often found himself wandering down the wrong path. Sometimes it was the wrong street, the wrong job, or ending up owing money to the wrong people. Any way, it always ended the same-- disaster.

He took a right turn and knew it was close, knew it was only moments before he had to face what he had been dreading. The thought had always been in the back of his head, lurking like a poisonous snake, but he had always shoved it aside. Victoria was a wonderful woman, and she did not deserve to have a husband whose lies were so deep. She did not know half of what he knew when he came home at night, exhausted, and shared his worries. He left out some minor details, who he was with when he disappeared for hours on end, where he had suddenly gotten the money from to pay for their new London apartment, and sure, Victoria had her doubts, but none of them were close to the truth. Even her husband did not fully understand the complexity of what he was dealing.

As the man stepped up the old door's steps, his nervousness set in. The door was almost as startlingly haunting as what lie beneath it. The initial finish had worn off almost completely, leaving the bare maple wood exposed to the bleak London winters. Perhaps the ominous door helped keep away visitors, regardless, there weren't many around this part of town. Would he knock, knowing the consequences?

There was no use hiding anymore. If he did not face them now, they would find him and make him pay. Charles was not a brave man, nor was he stupid, but somehow he always ended up in the middle of daring deeds he did not know how to get out of. Knock, went the voice in the back of his head. He paused a second longer, noticing the absence of rain, before finally facing the door. One, two three.
I protest signatures.
  





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Sun Aug 22, 2010 7:25 pm
StoryWeaver13 says...



Well first off I don't think this belongs under historical fiction, because even if it's taking place in the past we really aren't getting much of a sense of that, having no knowledge of where or when he is. Other than that, I thought this was a pretty solid piece, even if it wasn't the most exciting and dynamic. I like that it left us hanging at the end, wondering about the fate of the character, but I would've also liked if you made this even more important to us, if you helped to build a relationship between us and the character whose life is now at stake.
Keep writing,
StoryWeaver
Reading is one form of escape. Running for your life is another. ~Lemony Snicket
  





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Sun Aug 22, 2010 7:42 pm
AngerManagement says...



Hi,

First of all I really liked reading this, even though I didn't find it creepy at all. I agree with StoryWeaver about the fact that this shouldn't be in Historical fiction, but I think you made it historical fiction because of it was a story about a bust.

I liked reading about your MC (Charles), your description of him really drew me in, but I didn't feel as though the first sentence really drew me in.

Splash. The puddles now soaked the man's formerly clean pants; they were almost unrecognizable as the ones he had bought just last week.
Reading this made the rest of the story seem dreary although I hadn't begun to read it. I think this link will help you to write better beginnings. Here

The end was beautifully crafted and now I really do want to know what happens to Charles. A cup of tea? A gun shot in the head? The suspense is killing me.

My only nitpick is:

Charles was a man who quite often found himself wandering down the wrong path. Sometimes it was the wrong street, the wrong job, or ending up owing money to the wrong people. Any way, it always ended the same-- disaster.


Charles was not a brave man, nor was he stupid, but somehow he always ended up in the middle of daring deeds he did not know how to get out of.


Same sentence, different wording.

Anger :D
Dont tell me the moon is shining, show me the glint of light on broken glass.

Anton Chekov
  








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