Young Writers Society

Dear Mother,

I hope this letter finds you well. I am sorry for not writing earlier – the voyage took longer than expected.

The voyage itself was horrid. We were forced to room together with dozens of other people – men with the men, women with the women. The women also slept with the children, so our rooms were extra crowded and dirty. It was no surprise when there was an outbreak of smallpox. Almost all the children died, most in their sleep, though some cried and screamed til the very end.

(I am sorry to be so dismal. I have kept this bottled up inside of me for so long, it is a relief to let it all out.) Growing up where we did, I thought I was used to death and suffering, but the sight of so many frail, pox-marked bodies being placed in small, roughly constructed boxes and lowered overboard truly broke my heart. I console myself with the thought that they are with our loving Father in Heaven.

But enough of that! We arrived more-or-less safely. New Zealand truly is a beautiful country. Charles's cousin George is a missionary, and he and his wife Jane have kindly taken us into their home until we are able to buy a house or land of our own. (You may have noticed my writing has improved! Jane has being helping me. I feel slightly guilty, for she also has her house to look after, as well as her work with the natives. But she seems to have boundless supplies of energy.)

Charles is a saint – his work as a carpenter is much in demand, though I know he is frustrated with what he sees as his inability to provide for me. I am constantly reassuring him that he is a good man and a good husband. I don’t think he believes me, though. Honestly, though I love him, he can be so tiresome! If he isn’t doing everything perfectly, he believes he has failed. Well, he had better gain more faith in his role as a provider, for soon he will be providing for three! Yes, I am pregnant with our first child!

I know this news shall gladden your heart. By the time this letter reaches you, I may already have given birth. Everyone expects to us to wish for a boy, but a confession – both Charles and I would like a girl. I remember you clutching your hair and crying in despair that you had had so many boys! I know they can be a handful, but at some time we do wish for a boy.

You asked me to write about the native peoples. They call us ‘taiuwi’, meaning strange tribe. A few girls have been sent to the missionary houses to learn European ways, though Jane is having a lot of trouble with them. Of the men and elders, I have seen barely any, and truth be told I am glad of that. They seem like a fierce people.

Give my love to father, and to Elizabeth. Tell her her elder sister misses her! And to all my brothers, of course – how goes their attempt to start a family business? I am so proud of all of them.

Your affectionate daughter,
Gretchen Rose.

I think that this was done well- I would think about perhaps expressing more horror in the beginning, making it seem more personal instead of a textbook description. Don't just state it- say how awful it was, how it was the worst experience of your life, and then you won't need the description underneath it. Also- the news of pregnancy seems really random and minimalized. Perhaps it's just me, but if I'd randomly become pregnant because of a married man, I'd be a bit upset and, well.... freaking out. I dunno.

Anywho- I think the writing was very good. Perhaps lengthen it out on the important parts and make it more personal. Otherwise, great write!


-Coral-

Hi I'm Shadowlight and I had the pleasure of reading your story!
I thought it was a lovely story,
I have always had a hard time with first person so I admire people who can write in it.
I agree with the above post that your description of the smallpox outbreak on the boat, the ending of that paragraph was just gruff and almost cold. I think that section should be longer, have Gretchen's emotions show through- also smallpox dose not just effect children, some of the adults would have died as well and not most of the children.
I think the whole piece should be lengthened so you can really show what Gretchen is trying to say.
I loved her obvious close relationship to her mother. I liked how you had her describe her life but I would go into more detail. have her tell of story of something that happened to her make her mother as well as us readers really see what her life is like. I thought her being pregnant was fine and very realistic to have in this letter, I would not just have her say it so abruptly though, lead into it and maybe say she was expecting not pregnant, it's less clinical.
I absolutely LOVED how Gretchen talked to her mother about her husband, it was lovely. I could really tell She loved this man and that the two women are laughing about it as well, too cute!
on the whole I thought it was wonderful and I hope you post more. Gretchen really stood out as a normal woman living in a not normal place.
I hope this helps and if I got anything wrong please forgive me.
Happy writing!

This was very, very good. Your MC was outstanding. Her voice was strong, and you can really tell she loved her husband a lot.
This was a very well-written piece. I am some what envious that you can write a letter like this. (I can't)
This obviously took a lot of planning, a lot of though and it's perfect
Congrats! yay you!
~WickedWonder

Oh hey there!

This was sweet, and you do a good job of projecting your character's voice though it's only a letter. It's very hard to do, but you seemed to do so effortlessly. However there are a few things that don't make sense, and I would like to point them out to you.

I am sorry for not writing earlier – the voyage took longer than expected.

You say this, and then later you say how they have moved in to a house, and Jane has spent time teaching her to write? It seems like there has been a huge gap in here. If this is so, then either your character is a liar or isn't very smart as to notice that probably three months have gone by in the time it took to move in, and learn to write better?

Then you talk about children dying from smallpox. However you fail to mention that your character has children of her own?

If he isn’t doing everything perfectly, he believes he has failed. Well, he had better gain more faith in his role as a provider, for soon he will be providing for three! Yes, I am pregnant with our first child!

And then, of course, to confuse me even further, you have added that she is having her first child. This is too much here. Delete the "soon he will be providing for three" because that's just not true. If she already has two kids, then you know what to change. However, it won't be soon, because it takes at least nine months to carry the baby, and then she should spend about a year nursing that baby before even thinking about another baby.

I really like the relationship your two characters (the girl and her husband) seem to have with each other. A lot of men in this era are mean and nasty, only wanting money and fame. However your male seems to be sweet and generally caring. I really like the parts you put in about him. They made my heart warm.

As far as the natives go, you could explain a little more? Most settlers were simply cruel to the natives, kicking them out of their land, killing the men, raping the women. However here they seem to be at peace with each other. The natives aren't their friends whatsoever.

Keep writing!

Classy

Hey emoinpink, I'm maddy, and I'll be your review for today.

First off, I'd like to discuss this paragraph:

The voyage itself was horrid. We were forced to room together with dozens of other people – men with the men, women with the women. The women also slept with the children, so our rooms were extra crowded and dirty. It was no surprise when there was an outbreak of smallpox. Almost all the children died, most in their sleep, though some cried and screamed til the very end.

Think about the shame writing this would be from a daughter's perspective: A mother would certainly not want to hear how dangerous the trip was. And yes, I understand that this is probably one of the most crucial paragraphs to the story because it provides your knowledge of the topic, but itcould be worded better. Look below for a version you could go with instead:

"The voyage itself was... well, horrid. We were forced to room together with dozens of other people – men with the men, women with the women. The women also slept with the children, so our rooms were extra crowded and dirty. It came as no surprise when there was an outbreak of smallpox. Almost all the children died, however most passed away in their sleep, thankfully. But do not worry, for I am fine now. I'm just relieved to tell you I didn't catch anything on the trip."

Do you see how she's now told her mother what she encountered, yet made it sound like everything was "fine now", and she assured her mother to not be concerned? That way, you get your points for the assignment on your knowledge of the task, and you've made it sound more authentic.

That's really all I had to say. It was a nice piece and very well written.
-Maddy

Oh wow I really love this!
The flow of this letter is great and how you created a significant voice for the character only through a letter

great job!