Young Writers Society

There she was with her native village outfit, a piece of cloth tied round her head, and a red Indian necklace round her neck. Baira was a 20-year-old Indian woman, and anyone could tell that from the red spot left in the middle of her forehead right above her eyes. She was born and raised in Mr. Hoper’s house who was the owner of all lands in Baira’s village.

The enormous mountains far off behind, guarded her soul from the mystifying denial. The trees close to her, embraced Baira’s soul and mind as they danced along with the clasp of the soft warm wind.

Kiwisatsuma wrote:Hey!

So, I like this, especially the description of Baira. Just a couple of nitpicks:

There she was with her native village outfit, a piece of cloth tied round her head, and a red Indian necklace round her neck. Baira was a 20-year-old Indian woman, and anyone could tell that from the red spot left in the middle of her forehead right above her eyes. She was born and raised in Mr. Hoper’s house who was the owner of all lands in Baira’s village.

To me it feels like you're overstressing the fact that she's Indian. You say it in about four different ways here, and one or two would be plenty. You don't have to spell it out this much to readers.

The enormous mountains far off behind, guarded her soul from the mystifying denial. The trees close to her, embraced Baira’s soul and mind as they danced along with the clasp of the soft warm wind.

You don't need either of these commas. I think the sentences would flow better without them.

Overall, this is an interesting beginning. It feels more like the opening to a longer story - are you planning on expanding it? 'Cause I would definitely read it if you did. As it is it's pretty short, so there isn't much more to say. Seeing as it's historical fiction it would be nice if there were a few hints as to what time period this is set in.

Keep writing!

foxy wrote:There she was with her native village outfit, a piece of cloth tied round her head, and a red Indian necklace round her neck. Baira was a 20-year-old Indian woman, and anyone could tell that from the red spot left in the middle of her forehead right above her eyesI'm pretty sure that the forehead wasn't "right above her eyes", right? So I'm suggesting you restate that and make the meaning clearer. Or you could simply put a comma between "forehead" and "right". She was born and raised in Mr. Hoper’s house, who was the owner of all lands in Baira’s village. There should be a comma between "house" and "who", why? Because the house wasn't the owner off all lands in Baira's village, right?

Baira just sat thereWhere? Please, Foxy, tell us where? enjoying the utmost serenity nature carried to her lonely heart. The enormous mountains far off behind,delete comma guarded her soul from the mystifying denial. The trees close to her,delete comma embraced Baira’s soul and mind as they danced along with the clasp of the soft warm wind. I loooove that sentence! You are a poet! XD

She sat on a huge pile of hay that was kept in front of the house in order to feed the master’s horses and ponies. Baira seemed to enjoy the simplest things in the world. She simply held a stray of hay in her warm hands and escaped through her mind into the mysterious world she lived in.

That was not long before Mr. Hoper’s five-year-old daughter, Emily, ran out looking for Baira. She It would be better if you used "the little girl", because, well, pronoun confusion, Baira is also a "she".stood there at a distanced and gently called out, “Baira… Baira! You promised you would help me brush my pony today!” then she giggled and ran off to the stables. Baira looked atI think it will be better if used "watched" in place of "looked at". Emily run off and gave her a warm look filled with tenderness that embraced the entire world, and a smile filled with love and joy like a mother’s smile to her child, or a lover’s smile to his beloved one.

“Yes Miss Emily” replied Baira softly and This should be a new sentence.walked off behind her to the stables. Perhaps all the beauty and tenderness she held in her eyes and smile was going to remain another wishing star in Baira’s peaceful endless sky, and another warm kiss from Mother Nature.

jashbagabaldo wrote:Hi, Foxy! I'm glad that I'll be reviewing you today--err, tonight. /
Anyway, my comments will be in pinkish font.
As always.

foxy wrote:There she was with her native village outfit, a piece of cloth tied round her head, and a red Indian necklace round her neck. Baira was a 20-year-old Indian woman, and anyone could tell that from the red spot left in the middle of her forehead right above her eyesI'm pretty sure that the forehead wasn't "right above her eyes", right? So I'm suggesting you restate that and make the meaning clearer. Or you could simply put a comma between "forehead" and "right". She was born and raised in Mr. Hoper’s house, who was the owner of all lands in Baira’s village. There should be a comma between "house" and "who", why? Because the house wasn't the owner off all lands in Baira's village, right?

Baira just sat thereWhere? Please, Foxy, tell us where? enjoying the utmost serenity nature carried to her lonely heart. The enormous mountains far off behind,delete comma guarded her soul from the mystifying denial. The trees close to her,delete comma embraced Baira’s soul and mind as they danced along with the clasp of the soft warm wind. I loooove that sentence! You are a poet! XD

She sat on a huge pile of hay that was kept in front of the house in order to feed the master’s horses and ponies. Baira seemed to enjoy the simplest things in the world. She simply held a stray of hay in her warm hands and escaped through her mind into the mysterious world she lived in.

That was not long before Mr. Hoper’s five-year-old daughter, Emily, ran out looking for Baira. She It would be better if you used "the little girl", because, well, pronoun confusion, Baira is also a "she".stood there at a distanced and gently called out, “Baira… Baira! You promised you would help me brush my pony today!” then she giggled and ran off to the stables. Baira looked atI think it will be better if used "watched" in place of "looked at". Emily run off and gave her a warm look filled with tenderness that embraced the entire world, and a smile filled with love and joy like a mother’s smile to her child, or a lover’s smile to his beloved one.

“Yes Miss Emily” replied Baira softly and This should be a new sentence.walked off behind her to the stables. Perhaps all the beauty and tenderness she held in her eyes and smile was going to remain another wishing star in Baira’s peaceful endless sky, and another warm kiss from Mother Nature.

I told you! You are a poet! Haha...

Okay, here are my thoughts. First, this is not a short story. There is no plot, and the other vital characteristics of a short story. It seemed more of a prologue of a novel. Second--ok, I can't find a second. Just a first. LOL Sorry, humorous writer reviewing. Anywa, your imagery is beautiful, Miss Poet--err--Miss Foxy! XD Keep it up! I suggest add to it.
I hope I helped.

ballerina13 wrote:Hello! I enjoyed reading this and I love the idea. It has potential. Although, I feel that it is to short.Are you going to add more to it? In the beginning, the description of her being Indian is overstressed. It is unnecessary. I love the descriptions of Baira. You have developed her well already.
As others have mentioned, indentations help keep the flow of the story. All in all, really enjoyed this and would like to read more.
Keep writing!
~Ballerina