Young Writers Society

AN: This is a quick little flash that I did. It's very rough and is in desperate need of editing, so please, be as harsh as possible. Also, this is supposed to be set in the mid-to-late 1800s, so any tips on how to make that more apparent would be much appreciated. Thanks, and enjoy.

Between coughs and rounds of vomiting, Anna absent-mindedly stroked her doll’s bright red hair. Her watery eyes blurred her vision, and all though she was covered by two thick quilts, she still felt very cold. Her mother was coming in and out of the room, making food, checking her temperature. Outside, there was a fresh blanket of snow on the ground. If she had the strength, she knew she would be out there, playing.
Anna had been sick for nearly a month and a half with pneumonia, and she knew she was dying. When the doctors came and talked to their mother, Anna caught tidbits of their conversation.
That day, Anna’s mother came in, shakily holding a cup of tea. She bent down and kissed her daughter’s forehead.
“Oh, I love you, Anna. I love you.”
“Mommy,” Anna asked. “Do you know what heaven is like?” Her voice was cracked and dry and barely audible. But her mother understood.
“Probably very pretty,” she said weakly, “lots of flowers and candy. Anything you want, dear, I’m sure they’ll give it to you. Let’s rest for now, Anna.”
As Anna cuddled up in her pillow, she thought of heaven. She knew that when she arrived there, she would no long be sick. She’d live in a mansion and have the finest dresses and eat the finest food. And maybe they’d even let her keep her old doll.

Oh hey there wifey-poo.

Alright, so this was cute. And sad. And as I already told you, it reminded me of when I had pneumonia. But to the review, which should be a happier topic. This isn't going to be long like my usual reviews because I only have one thing to pick on:

The end. You build us up in the two paragraphs you have to do it, and then you never drop us. It's like the twilight zone: tower of terror at Disneyland never fell down. (I don't know if you've ridden it, but it's a lot like drop zone or something like that.) I am very disappointed with the ending. Your last sentence is: and maybe they'd even let her keep her doll. That conveys no emotion whatsoever, and actually doesn't make me feel sad at all about her probably dying -- oh gosh that sounds horrible.

Now, that doll thing would work if you had mentioned it to be some big extravagant thing in her life before, but you didn't. So basically she's telling us that she wants to keep her doll that means nothing to her, as far as we know.

I think you should end with more of a bang. The way it is now does not make this piece memorable or different from all of the other pneumonia stories.

I know you can think of something, PM me with you do.

Classy

Oh, sweet, glorious nitpicks, how you jump out at me!

Between coughs and rounds of vomiting,

Could just be me, but I think it would go smoother if you said, "Between rounds of coughing and vomiting."

she still felt very cold.

I feel that you can make this loads more descriptive, and make us feel just that more sorry for her.

If she had the strength, she knew she would be out there, playing.

Get rid of the bolded comma.

When the doctors came and talked to their mother, Anna caught tidbits of their conversation.

That day, Anna’s mother came in, shakily holding a cup of tea.

You said "came" twice really close together. It hinders the flow, and just really irritates me.

“Oh, I love you, Anna. I love you.”

Expand upon this. Show us just how sad, desperate, and emotionally broken I'm sure she is.

“Probably very pretty,” she said weakly, “lots of flowers and candy.

Either insert "with" between "lots" and "weakly" or make the second half its own sentence.

Let’s rest for now, Anna.”

I feel that the transition between this sentence and the one leading up to it don't flow well. Maybe add a "But" before "let's" or some other way to gently signal a turn of tone. Also, saying her name in this sentence just seems a little too formal for me. Maybe say something like "But let's rest for now, okay, Anna, sweetie?"

I agree with Classy - the last sentence doesn't really pack a punch like you want it to. Before that, put in some sentence - whether regarding her doll or some other thing she loves - describing just how much it means to her, or talk of something or someone she's lost, or something else she'd want in heaven. Something she would wish for.

Also, something I've noticed is that, while this has nice bones, it's not all that emotionally captivating. It has some, but I think for description and thoughts would really add to this.

loveness, ultraviolet <3

Hey Eli!

So, this was good, but it needs a little more info. I agree, with flash fic and all that, but maybe a little to solidify the fact that it is set in the 1800s? The only thing that hints at us is the fact that it is pneumonia and that she's dying of it. I'm not really a history person, but I think you could research a bit. One more para shouldn't be so bad.

When the doctors came and talked to their mother, Anna caught tidbits of their conversation.

This one sentence struck me as awkward. It is grammatically fine, but it sort of doesn't fit with the flow. Try putting this thought differently.
And as Classy said, you need to end it better. So that it is memorable.

Cheers,
~Lava.

Hello! This was sweet and heartwrenching. I loved the first to paragraphs. You developed a character that we want to know what happens to. I think that her being sink adds emotion to it. Maybe dig deeper into how she got sick, how did her parents feel, things like that. I think that you could add some more detail on certain items, like Anna or her bedroom or even how the outside looks covered in snow. How she longs to romp and frolick in it, but can't.
Oh! And to help make it more 1800's try using certain vocabulary or descriptions help set the setting. EVen a certain dress or song from that time period help make it feel more authentic.
In short, I love this and it has potential to be great. I hope you add more to this.
~Ballerina

I like the idea of this a lot--as others have said, it's sweet but heartwrenching too--but I agree with Classy that the emotion of it isn't quite coming through.

I disagree, though, about the ending needing changing. Instead, I think you should try changing the beginning. Get rid of all the expository, and the mom's point of view. Just stick to the present. The idea being that the reader doesn't know what the girl has, and isn't aware that she's going to die from it until the conversation the girl has (part of me wants to suggest that maybe she has it with her doll? Just an idea, though.) with her mother.

As for the late 1800s aspect... the main thing would be the vocabulary. Candy wouldn't be a mass noun at that time, and it'd probably be "candies." And, keep in mind that modern medicine is very much... modern. I'm no expert by any means, but they might have even still be bleeding feet and using leeches, even that late. (Again: no expert at all.)

The main thing, though, would be religion. It'd be very odd indeed back then for a family not to be religious. Which adds another level to this piece, especially if you retain the mother. If the mother goes for the straight-from-the-Bible approach, and the girl builds on that to what she presented at the end, that's one angle. If the mother breaks from the norm and says what she says up there, that says a lot too. (I know religion can be a can of worms, but the piece of is titled Heaven and I don't think you can get around mentioning it more overtly.)

And... I think that's all I've got for now. I'm interested to see where you take this! Let me know if you have any questions or anything...

Rach

Elllllllllllie. Stella here!

I. NITPICKS

Anna absent-mindedly stroked her doll’s bright red hair.

Absent-mindedly doesn't seem right here... If you're sick, you might do it to distract yourself or something, and the movementmay be absent, but the word still seems wrong.

Anna had been sick for nearly a month and a half with pneumonia, and she knew she was dying.

Wow, that sentence is an info-dump.

“lots of flowers and candy.

Where is this set? Is candy likely?

II. OVERALL

I don't know... I think it was too short to work. We should care more about her, but all we really find out is that she has a doll. Exciting, right? I was once given the advice never to kill a character in a short story and, while I think it's doable, I think you need to have a hugely character based story beforehand. This... doesn't really do that. I know that you'll work on this, and I know you realise it needs work, but right now it seems a little pointless. We don't get an originalview of heaven, nor are we affected by this girl. Dig a little deeper. It's in there. You've got a strong base

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella x

hey there!
I liked this a lot!
I'd just like to say that I like your ending with the statement about the doll, it seems right that a little girl who is dying would think of her beloved doll over almost anything else. Especially since you said this was 1800's right? It would be her prized possession in a time when people didn't have much unless they were wealthy. I agree with a few others on here however that a little more background on how much the doll meant to her would have the ending a bit more strong.
One more nitpick and I think this may just be a thing with me,( I love to hear about the medical side of things!) I would have loved to hear more about what the doctors looked like or had to say. Did they do anything to try and save her? With the information you gave, I would have thought they were simply a family friend coming over to visit had you not given them the title of doctor.
Overall, like I said it's a good little story for the time you put into it. I'd like to see it extended!
*daydreamer