Young Writers Society

Elinor Brynn wrote:AN: Hi guys! So, this is a rewrite of I'm Coming Home for Christmas, a short story I posted on the site a while ago. A lot of people suggested that I rewrite it from the point of view of Rosalie (the girl). I'm ahead in NaNo but I still I wanted to write, so here is what I came up it. Obviously since this is being told from the standpoint of a six year old, it's not going to be as complex. So, which version do you guys like better? This is also in Historical Fiction because I've added a bit of detail and pinpointed the setting. The title is an homage to Andy Williams's classic song -- you'll soon see how it fits.

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I smell them as soon as I wake up. Mommy's cinnamon rolls that she makes every year for Christmas, with frosting saved from our rations. This is a fragment, and sometimes fragments work, but this one seems unintentional and therefore throws the reader off. We don't get to have many sweets because we have to save up our rations, but it is always worth it. I love Mommy's cinnamon rolls.
It's finally Christmas, and I can't wait to see what presents Santa has gotten me. This sounds pretty flat. The piece is quickly becoming monotonous. I hope he got me the nurse dolly or the crayons I've asked for. And I hope Sean doesn't mess with me when I try to play with my toys or say that they are silly and only for bratty little girls. I don't know if you're really likely to think this way on Christmas morning. oo" Most little kids I know don't think about what others would think; they're concerned with *where* the presents are and how soon they can be opened. But I am not little. I am six.
Maybe we will even get a card from Daddy. For a long long time Daddy has been off fighting in the war. Mommy says he's helping America stop a really bad man from taking over Europe and doing bad things to people. But Mommy doesn't tell me what kinds of bad things he does. I know she tells Sean. He is eleven. Between these two sentences, there's an abrupt topic change. We haven't gotten a card from Daddy in a while. I hope he's okay.
I don't want to change out of my nightgown so I put on my fluffy pink robe Aunt Alison got me and head downstairs. I smell the cinnamon. It so good-smelling I think "it smells so good" would work better. and I am so hungry! Word repetition. "So" is used twice in the sentence.
“Rosalie, honey?” I hear Mommy's voice from the kitchen. “Come in here, dear. There's a surprise waiting for you?”
Mommy must be talking about the cinnamon rolls. But it's not a surprise because I know she makes them every year. I go in the kitchen anyway.
It seems normal. Sean is at the kitchen table eating and he has frosting on his cheeks. Mommy is at the kitchen washing dishes. Then I see someone behind me. He's still wearing his army outfit. Not sure if outfit is the right word to use. Sounds a little mature for a six year old.
“Hello, Rosalie,” says Daddy, giving me a bear hug.
Daddy is home! How long has he been here? Why didn't Mommy tell me? Did Sean know? “Oh, Daddy, you're back from the war! Are you back to stay?” Lacks emotion. It's incredibly flat. oo"
“No, Rosalie. Just for the week. But at least I get this time now and I get to you see you and Sean.”
After so many months, our family is finally together. And then I realize I don't care if Sean teases me when we're opening presents. Sounds too mature for a six year old. oo" The last part, especially. But overall, I say you need to rewrite this paragraph.
“Daddy? 
"Yes, Rosalie?” 
“I think Santa gave us the best present of all.”

Elinor Brynn wrote:There's a surprise waiting for you?”