Young Writers Society

EloquentDragon wrote:Sir Dacron pressed his horse on through the rain. Thunder rolled ominously above them. It was not often that Dacron felt fear, but now it had wrapped its iron hand around his very being, threatening to stifle all life it found there. The horse shivered beneath him; almost as if it too, could sense its master’s fate. A raven screeched somewhere in the distance, briefly shattering the dismal cadence of the rain. Then, the silence crashed heavily upon them again.
It was the silence that was most unnerving; for it was not the kind of silence that is heard, but rather felt; and Dacron could feel it with every fiber of his body. Not one animal could be seen prowling about the recesses of the woods; the entire place was cloaked in solemn grey mist. Dacron peered uneasily into the shadows. His enemy was near. He could detect his evil presence on every living thing. Even the fallen trees which crossed his path seemed to shudder for what was to come. Dacron urged his horse to a faster pace. The mud beneath its hooves squelched in strange rhythm, in tune with the creaking branches. “You’ll fail! You’ll die! You’ll fail! You’ll die!” They sang mockingly. Dacron gritted his teeth. “I WILL not fail! I WILL not die.” He assured himself. The rain pattered forlornly against his armor. “I can not fail, I can not die.” He sighed. A little more detail here please. Also grammar I think its "cannot" instead of "can not".
Presently, Dacron reached a clearing amidst the claws of the forest. The first sight of his foe brought a queasy feeling in the pit of his stomach; he knew that something terrible was going to happen, it was only a matter of time.
The Scarlett knight was astride his prancing mount, and was obviously impatient. DESCRIBE, how was it so obvious? Was it on his face, was it how he held himself? I have problems with this too.
“Ah, Sir Dacron, how nice of you to join me!” his voice had a sarcastic edge to it.
Dacron ignored him as he reined his horse to a halt and began to adjust his lance. “I was afraid you would be unable to attend, since I heard you had been detained.” He continued.
“Don’t mock me Boran; we both know what lies at stake here.” Boran pulled his horse to a standstill. Dacron could barely see his eyed underneath his black visor.
“Do we now?” his voice grew suddenly cold. “Mark my words Dacron, you will fail today, and everything you hold dear will be destroyed. I will make sure that death is not the end of your suffering.” Boran spat. “And don’t lie to yourself, honor won’t save you…not here and not ever.” His contempt slashed at Dacron.
“Your malice will not go unavenged…” his voice unintentionally quivered, “may justice smite you this day!” he bravely shouted. Boran laughed.
“You certainly have a taste for noble words coward. Let us see how you enjoy the taste of your own blood!” he lowered his lance and spurred his horse forward without warning. Dacron kicked his horse to a gallop and prepared to meet with fury.