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Young Writers Society


Queen Delmont (Inkpop Challenge Story)



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Gender: Female
Points: 1048
Reviews: 2
Tue Nov 23, 2010 8:17 pm
immadreamer8 says...



The blood glistened on the silver dagger. The man in the black trench coat fell to the ground, defeated. I wasn’t going to give up my freedom for anybody. I was not going to be held captive, to be told what to do, or told how to live without standing up for myself. As crazy as it sounded, I would kill to be free.



My room was small and cold. It was made of nothing but cement, except for the old, weak cot, and the even weaker end table in the corner. The cloth I wore as clothing was torn up, and dirty beyond ability to clean. The room smelt of dust, and worst of all, death.
The prisons weren’t an option. When Delmont became the ruler of our nation, everything turned grey. Everybody in the nation was captured, and sent to prisons like this very one. Families were torn apart; some women were sold into slavery, as workers for the prison. Punishment was brutal. If you made one wrong move, or said a single word that might deal with treason, they would chain you, whip you, and leave you for dead.
I was one of the few women who were spared the darker side of the prison. I used to be wealthy. I was born into a wealthy family of generations. This was one of the reasons I was treated better, when it came to privileges.
I was sleeping one morning when a guard came to my room. He opened the large, heavy cement door with a large, iron key. With a smirk on his face, he told me I was summoned to see the ruler, Delmont. “What for?” I begged him to answer. He shook his head, and proceeded by grabbing me by the arm and pulling me along the cement corridors. Fear bubbled up inside of me. What would Delmont want with me? My question was answered, when I was taken to his chamber, where he was down on one knee, holding an ancient ring toward me.
Marriage to Delmont sounded preposterous, but there was absolutely no way I could refuse. He had the power to have me punished ten times over, to have me killed, and to tell them to let me starve. Delmont was not a nice person. He didn’t even smile as I entered, like a real gentleman would have done before the dark times. “Will you, Marianna Boswell, become my queen?” he asked.
“Why me?” was all I could ask. He explained that I was the prettiest one of them all, the wealthiest as of the beginning of his reign, and that he had watched me carefully for the past few months. “I have no choice but to say yes, do I?” I asked.
“No. Then, it is settled,” he said, taking my left hand, and slipping the beautiful ancient ring onto my ring finger. “You will now become Queen Marianna Boswell Delmont.” He kissed my knuckles.
Not long after, I was reassigned a new room, a chamber similar to Delmont’s, and several beautiful gowns of silk and cotton, various colors, and accentuated with royal embroidery. I was far too deep into the commitment now to back down, and anything beat that worn and torn, ratty piece of cloth that had been draped over my body for the longest time. I was now able to bathe every day, far better than when I was allowed to bathe only once a week. Another thing that amazed me was that every night, Delmont and I would share a great feast, and all the scraps were given to the workers, where the prisoners rarely received actual food, just mush.
I spent two weeks as his fiancée when he had finally decided to announce it in front of the nation. It was declared a new holiday, ironically named Queen Marianna’s Day. From all over the nation, and the thirteen prisons it consisted of, people gathered at our newly build kingdom to celebrate our engagement. For once since the beginning of the dark time, Delmont’s reign, everyone had received tasty food, and brand new sets of clothes. A disease had plagued our nation, barely touching the main prison, but affecting the rest of the nation, and killing thousands. Only a couple thousand remained.
Our big day was coming, the actual marriage. The guests consisted of my immediate family, who had, over the past few months, been separated and sent to slavery, and Delmont’s guards and his few remaining members of his own immediate family. I shed many tears that evening before the wedding, catching up with my dear family. Very rarely did it happen, but my family, the wealthiest, was served the worst of punishments, and I was sent away from them, and treated completely different. Delmont must have taken a liking to me, and that’s the reason why. He had never told me though.
His grasp on my hand was firm, as he slipped the ring onto my gloved finger. I did so in return, but regretfully. The next few months after the marriage were rocky. I had taken a little liking to Delmont after long conversations in front of a warm, comfortable fireplace in the middle of winter, but had also learned of his darkest personality.
Delmont proposed to me one night that I was going to start working as a queen, and not as a useless wife. I was taken aback, but still accepted his demands. I was supposed to manage the punishments, and watch over prisoners daily, walking the corridors, unprotected. He left out the part of no protection, but it happened.

One day when I was walking through a corridor across the prison yards, I heard a peculiar noise. Shouting and sobbing. I ran toward the noise. Such commotion was not allowed in the prison quarters. I turned a corner and found a guard holding a young lady against a wall, choking her with his powerful grip. He was saying something about being worthless, hiding the truth, and treason. “Enough!” I demanded. He set her back on the ground. She was just lying there in a lump. “What is this?” I asked him.
“Treason, my Queen,” he said. I stooped and whispered in the little girl’s ear, as he stepped away to allow me to tell of her punishment.
“Do not worry, young one. I do not believe you have the power to commit treason. As much as this prison seems like Hell, you must stay, as you cannot escape without being murdered. I must try my best not to speak to Delmont of this occasion. If I do, then I must come back to you and punish you. This is Delmont’s nation now,” I said, rising again. I brushed off my skirt, and found the guard. “Put her back in her room, now. I will possibly be back, but until then, discard any suspicion of treason.” He nodded, and went to do what I asked.
Delmont crossed the line this time. “Treason is treason, Marianna. You must punish her. I suggest a whipping and then hang her… all at once, in the courtyard, for everyone to watch of the consequence.”
I couldn’t refuse, so when I returned to the room of the little girl, who I later realized was seven years of age, I had to take her with me, one of the guards following. She was chained and walked to the courtyard, where everything was set up, and people were already gathered. My stomach lurched at the thought of my first act of punishment. Delmont was truly sick, making me do this. But if I hadn’t, I would be punished.
After a lot of whipping, and the terrifying hanging of the little girl, I ran back to my chamber to cry in confidence. Delmont walked in on me crying and became angry. “There is no reason to feel sorry for someone who tried overthrowing you!” he yelled. I stood from my bed, wiping away remaining tears.
Not long after he began shouting, he slapped me square across the face. He beat me for a couple hours, and then threw me into the corner of the room, where I stayed for a few minutes.
It had begun to snow outside, and Delmont had to ride to another establishment to wed his second wife. Of the thirteen prisons of the nation, he was to marry six women. I, of course, stayed the queen, being his first wife. They were merely in charge of running the other prisons, like I had to do here, and he still fulfilled his duties at the other various prisons from time to time, like he did here.
I threw my cape over my shoulders, and wiped the blood away from my lip, and then my nose. I was a terrible sight to look at. Passing through my chamber door, to find Delmont, I picked up a silver dagger.
He was walking toward a carriage that awaited him, to take him to his second marriage. I walked up behind him, pulling him by the trench coat, and spinning him around. He looked at my wide, deranged eyes for only a second before I plunged the silver dagger into his heart. He fell to the ground, limp and dead.
I walked up to the carriage, and took a seat. “Please, anywhere but here,” I told the guider. He nodded, and commanded the horse forward. We stopped at the exit gate. “Tell the entire nation they are free from Delmont. And oh, you might want to clean up that little mess back there. This queen doesn’t know how to anymore.” The driver started forward once again.
I wasn’t fond of the royal life, or being imprisoned. Our nation became dark and dreary, and something had to be done. So I did it. Everybody was free now, and the sun peeked through the dark, dreary clouds in the sky. The day had finally come when someone, in this case me, had stood up for their freedom. Nothing could get in my way, or my peoples’ way, ever again.
<<immadreamer8>>
  





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Points: 4206
Reviews: 362
Sun Nov 28, 2010 1:20 am
wonderland says...



Alright, so, you are moving too fast here. You just give the reader details and description, but we don't get any of your MC's emotion or thoughts. It was kinda just words. Slow down, put major emotion in.
Then, your character didn't seem all that believable.
Like, why would a king, who'd punish any other person in that prison, marry her?
Because she's pretty?
There has to be an actual reason. Maybe he's planning to kill her anyway, or maybe they've been betrothed or something.
Right now, though, your reasoning doesn't make sense.

~WickedWonder
'We will never believe again, kick drum beating in my chest again, oh, we will never believe in anything again, preach electric to a microphone stand.'

*Formerly wickedwonder*
  





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Sun Nov 28, 2010 9:57 am
ziggiefred says...



Hello there :)
Since you are relatively new, welcome to YWS!
My room was small and cold. It was made of nothing but cement, except for the old, weak cot, and the even weaker end table in the corner. (Try revising the sentence in red. There are just too many commas)

The whole first paragraph is just too hasty. There is no gripping suspense or any emotion. The rest of the story as well is just too rushed. The storyline is a cliché, but you have to make an effort to have it different from the others. Also, there is very little suspense like I said before. As I'm read this, I had no desire to continue reading after each sentence was done.
However, you do have a lot potential. Your grammar is pretty good and so is your vocabulary. The problem is how you deliver the story.

Keep writing and good luck.
The best is what you make it!

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Sun Nov 28, 2010 8:38 pm
StellaThomas says...



Hello! Stella here!

I. NITPICKS

My room was small and cold.


I am sitting in a small cold room right now. Is that important? No. What's important of this first paragraph, except the last line?
My question was answered, when I was taken to his chamber, where he was down on one knee, holding an ancient ring toward me.


Come on, this is a creepy guy, it should be a creepy scene. Make it more atmospheric. How does she feel? What does he look like? What's the room like?

After a lot of whipping,


A lot of whipping? Hardly conjuring up images here.

Alright.

II. ATMOSPHERE

It's what your piece is lacking. Depth, character, all of it. It's not really a thrilling read. Tell us what Delmont is like in person. What's it like being married to him, how did she feel at the wedding? The wedding night? Killing him after she had "taken a little liking" to him? Fill everything with emotion and tension and atmosphere. That way we can literally feel the story, and it's exciting. Right now, it's a little dull.

III. OVERALL

Interesting bones of a story, just needs some meat!

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella x
"Stella. You were in my dream the other night. And everyone called you Princess." -Lauren2010
  





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Sun Jan 30, 2011 7:40 am
HarpoMarx says...



Very goood! This is excellent!

one concern: gathered at our newly build kingdom
Shouldn't it be 'Built"

But its good very interesting: Maybe extend on some bit but its excellent!
  





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34 Reviews



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Reviews: 34
Sat Mar 12, 2011 7:30 am
HarpoMarx says...



My room was small and cold. It was made of nothing but cement, except for the old, weak cot, and the even weaker end table in the corner. The cloth I wore as clothing was torn up, and dirty beyond ability to clean. The room smelt of dust, and worst of all, death. Describe what position she is in. Is she huddled up against the wall at the far left hand corner of the room? Or on the bed? Where in the room is she?

The prisons weren’t an option. When Delmont became the ruler of our nation, everything turned grey. Everybody in the nation was captured, and sent to prisons like this very one. Families were torn apart; some women were sold into slavery, as workers for the prison. Punishment was brutal. If you made one wrong move, or said a single word that might deal with treason, they would chain you, whip you, and leave you for dead. Who is Delmont? Is he an outsider from this land? This question also raises, what country are they in? What race are these people? What does this woman look like?

I was one of the few women who were spared the darker side of the prison. I used to be wealthy. I was born into a wealthy family of generations. This was one of the reasons I was treated better, when it came to privileges.

I was sleeping one morning when a guard came to my room. He opened the large, heavy cement door with a large, iron key. With a smirk on his face, he told me I was summoned to see the ruler, Delmont.
| you need the space here
“What for?” I begged him to answer. He shook his head, and proceeded by grabbing me by the arm and pulling me along the cement corridors. Fear bubbled up inside of me. What would Delmont want with me? My question was answered, when I was taken to his chamber, where he was down on one knee, holding an ancient ring toward me.

Marriage to Delmont sounded preposterous, but there was absolutely no way I could refuse. He had the power to have me punished ten times over, to have me killed, and to tell them to let me starve. Delmont was not a nice person. He didn’t even smile as I entered, like a real gentleman would have done before the dark times.

“Will you, Marianna Boswell, become my queen?” he asked.

“Why me?” was- Was all I could ask. He explained that I was the prettiest one of them all, the wealthiest as of the beginning of his reign, and that he had watched me carefully for the past few months.

“I have no choice but to say yes, do I?” I asked.

“No. Then, it is settled,” he said, taking my left hand, and slipping the beautiful ancient ring onto my ring finger.

“You will now become Queen Marianna Boswell Delmont.”This is not needed we already know this. He kissed my knuckles.

Not long after, I was reassigned a new room, a chamber similar to Delmont’s, and several beautiful gowns of silk and cotton, various colors, and accentuated with royal embroidery. I was far too deep into the commitment now to back down, and anything beat that worn and torn, ratty piece of cloth that had been draped over my body for the longest time. I was now able to bathe every day, far better than when I was allowed to bathe only once a week. Another thing that amazed me was that every night, Delmont and I would share a great feast, and all the scraps were given to the workers, where the prisoners rarely received actual food, just mush.

I spent two weeks as his fiancée when he had finally decided to announce it in front of the nation. It was declared a new holiday, ironically named Queen Marianna’s Day. From all over the nation, and the thirteen prisons it consisted of, people gathered at our newly build kingdom to celebrate our engagement. For once since the beginning of the dark time, Delmont’s reign, everyone had received tasty food, and brand new sets of clothes. A disease had plagued our nation, barely touching the main prison, but affecting the rest of the nation, and killing thousands. Only a couple thousand remained.

Our big day was coming, the actual marriage. The guests consisted of my immediate family, who had, over the past few months, been separated and sent to slavery, and Delmont’s guards and his few remaining members of his own immediate family. I shed many tears that evening before the wedding, catching up with my dear family. Very rarely did it happen, but my family, the wealthiest, was served the worst of punishments, and I was sent away from them, and treated completely different. Delmont must have taken a liking to me, and that’s the reason why. He had never told me though.

His grasp on my hand was firm, as he slipped the ring onto my gloved finger. I did so in return, but regretfully. The next few months after the marriage were rocky. I had taken a little liking to Delmont after long conversations in front of a warm, comfortable fireplace in the middle of winter, but had also learned of his darkest personality.

Delmont proposed to me one night that I was going to start working as a queen, and not as a useless wife. I was taken aback, but still accepted his demands. I was supposed to manage the punishments, and watch over prisoners daily, walking the corridors, unprotected. He left out the part of no protection, but it happened.

One day when I was walking through a corridor across the prison yards, I heard a peculiar noise. Shouting and sobbing. I ran toward the noise. Such commotion was not allowed in the prison quarters. I turned a corner and found a guard holding a young lady against a wall, choking her with his powerful grip. He was saying something about being worthless, hiding the truth, and treason.

“Enough!” I demanded. He set her back on the ground. She was just lying there in a lump.

“What is this?” I asked him.

“Treason, my Queen,” heHe said. I stooped and whispered in the little girl’s ear, as he stepped away to allow me to tell of her punishment.

“Do not worry, young one. I do not believe you have the power to commit treason. As much as this prison seems like Hell, you must stay, as you cannot escape without being murdered. I must try my best not to speak to Delmont of this occasion. If I do, then I must come back to you and punish you. This is Delmont’s nation now,” I said, rising again. I brushed off my skirt, and found the guard. “Put her back in her room, now. I will possibly be back, but until then, discard any suspicion of treason,” He nodded, and went to do what I asked.

Delmont crossed the line this time.

“Treason is treason, Marianna. You must punish her. I suggest a whipping and then hang her… all at once, in the courtyard, for everyone to watch of the consequence.”

I couldn’t refuse, so when I returned to the room of the little girl, who I later realized was seven years of age, I had to take her with me, one of the guards following. She was chained and walked to the courtyard, where everything was set up, and people were already gathered. My stomach lurched at the thought of my first act of punishment. Delmont was truly sick, making me do this. But if I hadn’t, I would be punished.

After a lot of whipping, and the terrifying hanging of the little girl, I ran back to my chamber to cry in confidence. Delmont walked in on me crying and became angry.

“There is no reason to feel sorry for someone who tried overthrowing you!” heHe yelled. I stood from my bed, wiping away remaining tears.

Not long after he began shouting, he slapped me square across the face. He beat me for a couple hours, and then threw me into the corner of the room, where I stayed for a few minutes.

It had begun to snow outside, and Delmont had to ride to another establishment to wed his second wife. Of the thirteen prisons of the nation, he was to marry six women. I, of course, stayed the queen, being his first wife. They were merely in charge of running the other prisons, like I had to do here, and he still fulfilled his duties at the other various prisons from time to time, like he did here.

I threw my cape over my shoulders, and wiped the blood away from my lip, and then my nose. I was a terrible sight to look at. Passing through my chamber door, to find Delmont, I picked up a silver dagger.

He was walking toward a carriage that awaited him, to take him to his second marriage. I walked up behind him, pulling him by the trench coat, and spinning him around. He looked at my wide, deranged eyes for only a second before I plunged the silver dagger into his heart. He fell to the ground, limp and dead.

I walked up to the carriage, and took a seat.

“Please, anywhere but here,” I told the guider. He nodded, and commanded the horse forward. We stopped at the exit gate. “Tell the entire nation they are free from Delmont. And oh, you might want to clean up that little mess back there. This queen doesn’t know how to anymore.” The driver started forward once again.

I wasn’t fond of the royal lifethere is no need for a comma here or being imprisoned. Our nation became dark and dreary, and something had to be done. So I did it. Everybody was free now, and the sun peeked through the dark, dreary clouds in the sky. The day had finally come when someone, in this case me, had stood up for their freedom. Nothing could get in my way, or my peoples’ way, ever again.
  





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Sun Jun 26, 2011 10:57 am
mvb627 says...



I really like it, even though I'm not much of a dystopian fan. I think if you added a bit more imagery I would like it even more. Just a thought though, feel free to ignore it.
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