That lonely road (Memory Lane) Part 1

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Tue Dec 14, 2010 9:29 am

jamesMarcus says...

You would probably call it my wrong turn but i say that it was fate for me to walk on that road again. That cold dark road that in my mind is always black and white. Why did he want it to be destined for me to walk on that path...again? Maybe you can give an answer...
"James?" said Alexandra. "Do you have any idea where were going?"
"I really don't know but i think this place looks familiar" I answered.
"You always have that spooky voice when you'r thinking hard. Now come on i hate you'r silly adventures. Look that road there is perfectly clear we'll walk home from there" she complained.
"Alexandra! Honestly you can be such a girl at times" I told her.
"Uhh..Maybe that is because i am a girl!" she said.

Now i was really concentrating. That tree with the pale crinckled bark and dead leaves were the same. I could see the entrance of the road and with the corner of my eye saw that Alexandra had also spotted the same thing.

"James! This is not funny! I'm not coming and i'm not letting you go either. Lets go up that road" she shouted with a hint of fear in her voice.
"Alexandra its ok i have been here before...or that what my extincts tell me but really its safe. How about this? You travel up that road and go home and when i call you on your cell or send 911 on your PTA then you can get hitch hickers to help me?" I joked.
"James you are so not cool! i am going and i wont even come for help" she tossed her hair and left.
"Alexandra! Oh come on i'm kidding...huh" she had already disappeared in the fog.

I looked at the entrance again and saw a small figure standing there. As i got closer to have a good look it ran! Now it really was looking spooky.
Why was that road so familiar? should i have listened to Alexandra? What was that small figure and what was it doing running around...that lonely road.

TO BE CONTINUED....

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Tue Dec 14, 2010 6:10 pm

elephantwalrus says...

Hi there,

I'm interested to see where this piece goes. Quick question: which historical era is it, or will that be answered later? I like the playfulness of this piece that balances out an otherwise serious setting. My first suggestion for this piece would be to capitalize all of your "I" pronouns. My other suggestion would be to add a little more background. What was the couple doing before James has this de-ja-vue moment? How old is the couple? Finally, add more about mystery man at the end. Build the suspense with other details, and the audience will be sucked right into your story.

Thanks for sharing! PM me if you have any questions.

My main project until Script Frenzy is an experiment using blog posts between four characters as episodes of a common story. You can read this work as it progresses at http://knowallchronicles.blogspot.com/.

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Points: 1349
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Tue Dec 14, 2010 6:27 pm

jamesMarcus says...

if you guys like the work then please "like" it if it is good enough!

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Tue Dec 14, 2010 6:39 pm

Button says...

jamesMarcus wrote:You would probably call it my wrong turn[b](comma here) but (capital I)i say that it was fate for me to walk on that road again. That cold dark road that in my mind is always black and white. Why did he want it to be destined for me to walk on that path...again? Maybe you can give an answer...[/b]
Again? And how would he determine your destiny? What if he just wanted to go down there with you? Also, the breaking of the fourth wall feels a little awkward to me here.

"James?" said Alexandra. "Do you have any idea where were going?"
"I really don't know but (capital I)i think this place looks familiarcomma here" I answered.
"You always have that spooky voice when you're thinking hard. Now come on i hate you'r (no apostrophe) silly adventures. Look that road there is perfectly clear we'll walk home from there" she complained.
"Alexandra! Honestly you can be such a girl at times" I told her.
"Uhh..Maybe that is because i am a girl!" she said.
If Alexandra is supposed to be really girly or something, I would try developing it a bit more to make it obvious. I would also concentrate on the MC's development a bit more as well.

Now i was really concentrating. That tree with the pale crinckled bark and dead leaves were the same. I could see the entrance of the road and with the corner of my eye saw that Alexandra had also spotted the same thing.

"James! This is not funny! I'm not coming and i'm not letting you go either. Lets go up that road" she shouted with a hint of fear in her voice.
"Alexandra its ok i have been here before...or that what my extincts tell me but really its safe. How about this? You travel up that road and go home and when i call you on your cell or send 911 on your PTA then you can get hitch hickers to help me?" I joked.
"James you are so not cool! i am going and i wont even come for help" she tossed her hair and left.
"Alexandra! Oh come on i'm kidding...huh" she had already disappeared in the fog.

I looked at the entrance again and saw a small figure standing there. As i got closer to have a good look it ran! Now it really was looking spooky.
Why was that road so familiar? should i have listened to Alexandra? What was that small figure and what was it doing running around...that lonely road.

TO BE CONTINUED....

Overall:[b][/b] What exactly is going here? What are the surroundings, was that a friend or a sister, who was "he", what was the point of going down the road? Why was the road creepy to begin with?

I would try giving a bit more description, maybe extend your vocabulary a little bit, and correct the grammar mistakes, as they're quite distracting.Try creating rounder characters as well- who is the MC? What gender, what do they like doing, what's their personality like? What did they do after they ran after the figure? I'm left with these kind of questions. With a bit of polishing, I think that this could be quite a good story- very mysterious. Nice write.

-Coral-

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Tue Dec 14, 2010 9:33 pm

Tyler says...

Hey there!
Mmk so I loved the tension and the mystery here! You started it great, very gripping.

I must say, it was a bit rough and kinda choppy but it's all good. Most new stuff is. Some grammatical errors but eh I'm sure you've seen them already. Anyways, for the critique,

"James?" said Alexandra. "Do you have any idea where were going?"

Now, I like the dialogue but I think instead of just kinda telling us who's talking, show us. I draws us in more and helps us to see what's going on. I would suggest something more like
"Alexandra stumbled over a log and hissed something under her breath. I knew she was getting more upset the further we went. 'James, do you have any idea where we're going?'" Just a suggestion.

Anyways, my nextconcern was this pragraph

Now i was really concentrating. That tree with the pale crinckled bark and dead leaves were the same. I could see the entrance of the road and with the corner of my eye saw that Alexandra had also spotted the same thing.

This is somewhat confusing and wordy. If you condensed it down and made shorter sentences, it would increase tension and create an easier read.

The rest was great! I liked the mysterious figure. Can't wait to read more! PM me if you have any questions!

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Tue Dec 14, 2010 10:24 pm

ziggiefred says...

Hello there

I think Persephoneia covered a lot on what I wanted to say. The first paragraph, the part in bold, is supposed to be gripping and catchy but it's not. I was not really drawn into the story, mainly because of that. The words are just loosely hanging on their own with no real platform. You need to dwell more on giving the reader (me) a clear picture of what is going on my making situations detailed, describing, getting that imagery. It was really lacking here and that was the major problem. Like the previous reviewer pointed out, who is the MC here, what makes them tick, what do they look like, what era is he in? I'm all for suspense in a story, but when it gets this far into a story, it becomes boring, bland and confusing. I know there is more to this story but so far, not so good. So my greatest problem is detail, let me see it.
Also, check for spelling and grammatical errors.
One good thing about your story is that the plot means well, but it needs the story to be tweaked a little so that is can be great.
Keep writing and good luck on finishing your story.

The best is what you make it!

...eh, need a review? Click me!

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Wed Dec 15, 2010 9:54 am

jamesMarcus says...

thank you very much for the critiques and suggestions!
i will definitely apply them and concentrate on the week parts. and as for the questions yeah i think i need to work on the background and i think i over did the mystery didn't i?
some questions are on purpose left unanswered so that the reader is tempted to read the other three parts. thank you for admiring my plot. you won't be dissapointed from my next piece!

once again thank you all for the review. i really hope i improve and it gets featured!

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Fri Dec 17, 2010 1:02 am

Torigirl15 says...

I really liked this piece of writing, but i would vary the word choice a little. You use the word "road" a little much, and i would try to spice up the rest of the scene by describing how the mc's looked. Other than that it was very suspenseful!
Keep writing!

Xx This side of mortality is
scaring me to death
to death xX
-The Temper Trap: Soldier On

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Fri Dec 17, 2010 4:58 am

jamesMarcus says...

i will most definitely! thank you for the review. stay tuned for part two

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Sun Dec 19, 2010 1:56 am

d@ydre@mer27 says...

Ehh I'll be honest with you, I didn't care for it that much. Everything I was thinking about it has already been put out there so I'll just re-iterate the points I found most bothersome to me.

1. I didn't get any sense of when this plot was supposed to be unraveling or where for that matter. I can't even get a clue from your MCs because you didn't describe how they're dressed or how they look at all. Do they have accents? Little things like that would be helpful. It just came across as rather modern to me.
2. I both like and dis-like the way you ended it. A brief mention of a shadowy figure isn't enough to make me want to come back for more. While I like the idea, I think you could have fleshed it out a bit more.
In the end I would just say that it was a decent start but you need to incorporate a lot more details.
Hope I didn't sound too harsh, *cringes me thinks I may have been :/
-day

"A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere." ~courtesy of one of history's funniest men, Groucho Marx. ^_^

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Sun Dec 26, 2010 11:23 am

easilyinspired says...

Hey!
Another piece of fantastic writing. Okay, so there are some major grammar errors but you can sort them out yourself. Yeah, give us more description! Include sight, smell, touch, taste, and sound. If you want to make it even better add a sixth sense, my english teacher is always lecturing us on how using all the senses in a descriptive piece add to the build up. Keep me posted.
XxX

"Oh, children, children, why are you following me?"
"We couldn't sleep," said Lucy - and then she felt sure that she need say no more and that Aslan knew all they had been thinking.

The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe by C.S. Lewis.

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Mon Jan 17, 2011 1:24 am

HarpoMarx says...

good work. I really liked it. But i could see a few spelling mistakes. Also, grammatical errors, just watch for them.In some bits you have put, "you'r" Just be sure to put the e at the end so you get "You're," you get what I mean?

Also I noticed that in some bits when he's referring to himself with "I" make sure you put it as a capital because I did notice a couple of times it was in lower case.

But other than those small changes you could make, I thought it was an excellent piece and I am looking forward to reading the next piece because the impression I got from this piece you are a good writer, just be sure to look out for those mistakes.

Good work mate!

Harp

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Sat Feb 12, 2011 11:22 am

writerwithacause says...

You would probably call it my wrong turn but I say that it was fate for me to walk on that road again. That cold dark road that in my mind is always black and white. Why did he want it to be destined for me to walk on that path...again? Maybe you can give an answer...

"James?" said Alexandra. "Do you have any idea where we're going?"

"I really don't know, but I think this place looks familiar," I answered.

"You always have that spooky voice when you're thinking hard. Now come on, I hate your silly adventures. Look, that road there is perfectly clear; we'll walk home from there," she complained.

"Alexandra! Honestly you can be such a girl at times," I told her.

"Uhh..Maybe that is because I am a girl!" she said.

Now I was really concentrating. That tree with the pale crinckled bark and dead leaves were the same. I could see the entrance of the road and with the corner of my eye saw that Alexandra had also spotted the same thing.

"James! This is not funny! I'm not coming and I'm not letting you go either. Let's go up that road," she shouted with a hint of fear in her voice.

"Alexandra, it's ok, I have been here before...or that's what my extincts tell me, but really, it's safe. How about this? You travel up that road and go home and when I call you on your cell or send 911 on your PTA then you can get hitch hickers to help me?" I joked.

"James, you are so not cool! I am going and I won't even come for help," she tossed her hair and left.

"Alexandra! Oh come on, I'm kidding...huh..." She had already disappeared in the fog.

I looked at the entrance again and saw a small figure standing there. As I got closer to have a good look it ran! Now it really was looking spooky.

Why was that road so familiar? Should I have listened to Alexandra? What was that small figure and what was it doing running around...that lonely road?

I have corrected some grammar and punctuation errors (I really have a thing for correct grammar and punctuation xD). Your story is interesting, but is it historical? When is it set? Judging by the fact that you have a cell in it, and the informal tone that is rather characteristic to our century, I can't see it as historical fiction.

I'm curious to find out what will happen next.

Julie, a sucker for romance, historical fashion, medieval fairs and blues music. Add photography and you already know me 50%. The rest of me you'll discover through my writings and my photos.

my fictionpress
my greatest project, a history-inspired romance

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Points: 2639
Reviews: 34

Sat Mar 12, 2011 6:47 am

HarpoMarx says...

Good work. All my corrections are in red.

"James?" SaidAlexandra, "Do you have any idea where we're going?"

"I really don't know but i think this place looks familiar," I answered.

"You always have that spooky voice when you're thinking hard. Now come on I hate you're silly adventures. Look that road there is perfectly clear we'll walk home from there," She complained.

"Alexandra! Honestly you can be such a girl at times," I told her.

"Uhh..Maybe that is because I am a girl!" She said.

Now I was really concentrating. That tree with the pale crinckled bark and dead leaves were the same. I could see the entrance of the road and with the corner of my eye saw that Alexandra had also spotted the same thing.

"James! This is not funny! I'm not coming and I'm not letting you go either. Lets go up that road" She shouted with a hint of fear in her voice.

"Alexandra its ok I have been here before...or that what my extincts tell me but really its safe. How about this? You travel up that road and go home and when I call you on your cell or send 911 on your PTA then you can get hitch hickers to help me?" I joked.

"James you are so not cool! I am going and I wont even come for help," She tossed her hair and left.

"Alexandra! Oh come on I'm kidding...huh," She had already disappeared in the fog.

I looked at the entrance again and saw a small figure standing there. As I got closer to have a good look it ran! Now it really was looking spooky.

Why was that road so familiar? Should I have listened to Alexandra? What was that small figure and what was it doing running around...that lonely road.

GREAT WORK!

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That lonely road (Memory Lane) Part 1

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