Young Writers Society

A small beam of light infiltrated through the freight train’s unstable roof, the beam was so minuscule, therefore it perfectly resembled the amount of hope I possessed. Around us, the desperate pleading of children saturated the train, and an intensity of sweat and pure stench filled the air. It was in the midst of March, and despite the hostile winds outside, the freight train was dense with heat, restricted of oxygen. I gulped for air, as knot of fear and misery consumed me, while the train lurched forward once more. It travelled on a never-ending road, the destination a secret, known only to the ears of the cruel.
After what seemed to be eternity, the train finally screeched to a sudden stop. Blasts of gunfire awoke the sleeping, while others didn’t wake at all. Loud footsteps circled the train, and the heavy pounding on the tins doors petrified me, for our dreaded fate was determined on what was held behind them. As they opened, sunshine quickly seeped into the darkness; however this was overshadowed by the disdainful expressions of the Nazi soldiers.
“Get out you vermins!” hissed one soldier, followed with a torrent of gunshots. I pushed past to see the scene of chaos that awaited me. Thousands of Jews, like myself, filed off the line of trains, which stretched out like ants into the distance. Greeted with great walls of concrete, snaked with barbed wire, to me it seemed to be a simply horrid place, right out of the pages of hell.
We were forced to line up, battered and feeble from the tormenting train ride. Shaved bald, and stripped, our dignity stolen in front of our eyes.
“You’re about to have a shower” a soldier explained, “to make sure you don’t catch the diseases in the camp”. This quickly lightened my mood, as I had yearned for a shower for days, but little did I know that this was a different sort of shower…..

Ugh! Pure amazingness! Love it already! I want the second chapter!!!!!!

It's short, but that doesn't matter. It puts you on edge, along with the short but effective sentances, it's so good. Well done, I think this could be a good one.

Before I begin, I'd like to say that the premise of your story is great, though I'm going to tear it apart in an effort to improve your writing. So, take no offense at my review; I have good intentions. That aside, there were a few grammatical errors that I'd like to point out.

A small beam of light infiltrated (infiltrated sounds forced, try filtered or get rid of 'through') through the freight train’s unstable roof, (comma splice) the beam was so minuscule, therefore it perfectly resembled the amount of hope I possessed. Around us, the desperate pleading of children saturated the train, and an intensity (intensity is not a noun) of sweat and pure stench filled the air. It was in the midst of March, (comma doesn't below) and despite the hostile winds outside, the freight train was dense with heat, restricted of oxygen. I gulped for air, (comma doesn't belong) as (a) knot of fear and misery consumed me, (replace comma with 'and') while the train lurched forward once more. It travelled on a never-ending road, the destination a secret, known only to the ears of the cruel.
After what seemed to be eternity, the train finally screeched to a sudden stop. Blasts of gunfire awoke the sleeping, while others didn’t wake at all. Loud footsteps circled the train, (comma doesn't belong) and the heavy pounding on the tins doors petrified me, for our dreaded fate was determined on what was held behind them. As they opened, sunshine quickly seeped into the darkness; (either get rid of 'however' or make it it's own sentence) however this was overshadowed by the disdainful expressions of the Nazi soldiers.
“Get out you vermins!” ('vermins' should be replaced with 'vermin') hissed one soldier, followed with (replace 'with' with 'by') a torrent of gunshots. I pushed past (past what?) to see the scene of chaos that awaited me. Thousands of Jews, like myself, filed off the line of trains, (comma doesn't belong) which stretched out like ants into the distance. Greeted with great walls of concrete, snaked with barbed wire, (comma splice) to me it seemed to be a simply horrid place, right out of the pages of hell.
We were forced to line up, battered and feeble from the tormenting train ride. Shaved bald, (comma doesn't belong) and stripped, our dignity stolen in front of our eyes.
“You’re about to have a shower” a soldier explained, “to make sure you don’t catch the diseases in the camp”. This quickly lightened my mood, as I had yearned for a shower for days, but little did I know that this was a different sort of shower…

Just in case you don't know, a comma splice is when you separate two sentences, or what should be two sentences, with a comma rather than a period. So I hope this helps, despite the shower of red ink. Disregarding the grammatical errors, this story has great potential and I'm sure you could turn it into a full short story with minimal effort simply by describing the protagonist's train ride. Just make sure you're getting inside the person's head while you write. In summation, good luck! And keep writing! The more you write, the better you'll get.

-subtlepseudonym