Please Critique
"Although i walk through the valley of the dead, i fear no evil, for you art with me, your rod and your staff, they comfort me." A light drizzle fell on the heads of the praying as the priest continued. The air was warm but the sun was hidden behind the monotonous grey clouds. Many soldiers crowded around the priest, on their knees, but i remained in the back of the group. I sat on a rough wooden box with a french label and leaned against the wooden support holding the wet mud from flowing into the trench.
I took a step off of the box and sank down past my ankle in wet mud. I tried to take a step, and i sank even deeper, to a point where the suction almost tore my boot off. I pulled myself out of the mud and attempted to walk out of the rain into the warm comforts of the underground. "Ehhhh, Benny!" A large, man with a shaved head was sitting at a turned over series of boxes with 3 other men. They were playing cards. "You want to play?" he motioned towards a vacant seat.
I shook my head and said. "No thanks, Leo, maybe later." The underground bunker was dimly lit and reeked of stagnant water. Men played cards or slept on the wet ground. I attempted to take another step, but, the mud finally overtook me. My boot was ripped off my foot with a loud swooshing sound. I hopped on one of my feet, attempting to try to not get the shoeless foot wet, as trench foot is a problem. I could not keep my balance and with a scream, i fell face first into the constantly wet mud.
The taste of stagnant water occupied my mouth as chuckles from the rest of the group filled the air. I attempted to pull my self up, but i only sank deeper. Suddenly, a calloused, firm hand gripped mine. I looked up to see John from our squad, with a smile, he heaved and pulled me up. I thanked him, and with an embarrassed smile picked up my boot, and pulled it on firmly. The men in the underground bunker returned to their activities. "Ben, enough fooling around, were on guard duty." I looked for the source of the voice to see our squad leader, Rob. Rob is a city boy from Detroit. Rob scratched at his greying beard and started to walk out of the bunker.
He filled the door way and had to duck to exit. Leo through down his cards, and waited at the entrance for us. John and i walkedd side by side to the entrance, then the three of us casually walkedd out. The clouds have rolled away, the sunlight struck my eyes as they adjusted to the bright light. The trench was deep enough for us to not need to crouch, but Rob needed to. If you some much as show the top of your head over the trench, you could get killed instantly.
We arrived at our assigned section, only wooden boxes and a small periscope occupied the area. Rob and his second in command and best friend Jimmy were already here. "Ben, wheres your rifle?" said Rob. I had just realised i was not carrying it, i stammered, then John said. "Don't worry, I got it." John threw the rifle to me and i caught it with both hands. I silently thanked him then sat down on one of the wooden boxes. I know that i had to stay alert, but i began to daydream. I dreamt of home before the draft, my brother and i racing through the sun filled pastures. My Mom's County famous cherry pie. I could almost taste it.
i don't know how dad can manage the farm without me. My father, served in the Spanish American war with former president Theodore Roosevelt. That's where he lost his arm, the bone was fractured by a Spanish sniper and amputation was necessary. I was shocked back to reality by the whistle of mortars. "GET DOWN!!" Rob shouted. I attempted to run back to the underground bunker. I dove into the entrance. An explosion that sounded like a train being derailed followed. Dust fell from the ceiling and stung my eyes, mud flew in the door and landed on my helmet. I stood up and made sure i still had all my body parts.
My hand trembled with fear as i patted myself down. I looked in the room to see the gaping horrified faces of the men inside. I quickly turned around and walked out of the entrance, half because i wanted to see if anyone was hurt, and half because i just pissed myself. "You guys okay?" i called out. Rob, Jimmy, and John all appeared, their faces stricken with fear. I let out a sigh of relief, then was once again flooded with fear. "Where's Leo?" i asked.
Just then, a sound that was similar to a screeching cat pierced the silence. The screech then evolved into a low moan. I rushed through the trench to find Leo. He was laying on the ground, strips of flesh were the only thing remaining of his legs. Blood poured out and mixed with the stagnant water and mud.. Sickness and trembles erupted through my body. I threw up on the ground. "A-am i ga-gonna die?" Leo asked me. I did nothing, just stared. "Momma, momma, momma, h-h-help me Ben." Leo raised his trembling hand toward me. I sat down in the mud, and held his hand. John, Rob, and Jimmy stood behind me, looking down on Leo.
Leo stared at me until his eyes glazed over and his hand went limp. Tears poured from my eyes, this is the first time i encountered death with someone close to me. I let myself fall backwards and i rested my head on the wet mud wall. John sat beside me and let out a long breath of air. We sat there, for what seemed like an eternity. When i finally decided to get up, i discovered it was night out, and John wasn't sitting next to me. Leo's body was still in the trench, motionless. I staggered away and into the bunker and collapsed onto a small blanket and fell asleep. It was the first day in September.
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