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Young Writers Society


Jazz Minne



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125 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 3435
Reviews: 125
Thu Mar 31, 2011 7:42 pm
PixieStix says...



One day in a forest close to the huge Tunderboard lake lived a tribe of Floral indians. Floral meant nature back then to the indians. In that tribe lived a young indian girl named Jazz Minne (Jasmine is how you prenounce it.). She fished and hunted just like her father. But her mother would not approve. Most of the time she would stay in her Tee Pee and wash the clay dishes and make supper for her family like a regular Floral girl. But all she wanted to do was hunt and fish like every boy. One day she snuck out and went to the Tunderboard lake to catch some fish for her family. She caught 3 lake bass and 2 salmon. But all was not good for her Fishing spree. If she kept it up, she might have a fatal whipping from her tribe leader. She rushed home and put all the fish in the pot while her mother was sleeping and her father was at the Tribal meeting for men.Jazz Minne got a spear and ran out into the feild to catch some wild buffalo.She saw a tiny tail and went behind a rock.She took her spear and threw it as far as she could toward the target. And then the target fell down softly without noise.She ran over and looked at the 300 pound dead baffalo infront of her. She got a cot and picked the baffalo. She was very strong for a 13 year old girl. She brought it back to her camp site. Her mom was up, what was she going to do!!! She ran around the back side of her Tee Pee and set it down there. She walked back around to the front curtain door. She walked inside. Her mother stared at her for about 3 seconds and then turned back without saying a word. She would have thought that her mother had caught her hunting by now but no. She was perfectly fine. Exept the 4th day she was gone her mother and father got suspicous. They knew she was going some where but how. How can she escape like that so swiftly, Without anybody knowing about it exept for them? She was a smart indian. Then she finally told her parents. They could not belive it. She turned out to have been doing it all along? They would say. But they let her do it becaus she would enjoy it so much. So she lived a happy life. And so did her mother and wonderful father. The End.
All you need is faith, trust, and a little bit of pixie-dust!
  





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125 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 3435
Reviews: 125
Thu Mar 31, 2011 7:44 pm
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PixieStix says...



that is my story. Do you like it?

-Pixie2
Hi Milkncookies!
All you need is faith, trust, and a little bit of pixie-dust!
  





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Points: 1710
Reviews: 22
Fri Apr 01, 2011 3:34 pm
Silver says...



Hey, I'm Silver.

Okay, so I think you have a good plot here. It could be expanded upon, and some parts didn't quite make sense, but a pretty good plot.

Now, you have to do something about that giant wall of text, like break it up into some paragraphs. I'll give you a rough idea, but feel free to change it around if you want.
One day in a forest close to the huge Tunderboard lake lived a tribe of Floral indians. Floral meant nature back then to the indians. In that tribe lived a young indian girl named Jazz Minne (Jasmine is how you prenounce it.). She fished and hunted just like her father. But her mother would not approve. Most of the time she would stay in her Tee Pee and wash the clay dishes and make supper for her family like a regular Floral girl. But all she wanted to do was hunt and fish like every boy.

One day she snuck out and went to the Tunderboard lake to catch some fish for her family. She caught 3 lake bass and 2 salmon. But all was not good for her Fishing spree. If she kept it up, she might have a fatal whipping from her tribe leader. She rushed home and put all the fish in the pot while her mother was sleeping and her father was at the Tribal meeting for men.

Jazz Minne got a spear and ran out into the feild to catch some wild buffalo.She saw a tiny tail and went behind a rock.She took her spear and threw it as far as she could toward the target. And then the target fell down softly without noise.She ran over and looked at the 300 pound dead baffalo infront of her. She got a cot and picked the baffalo. She was very strong for a 13 year old girl. She brought it back to her camp site.

Her mom was up, what was she going to do!!! She ran around the back side of her Tee Pee and set it down there. She walked back around to the front curtain door. She walked inside. Her mother stared at her for about 3 seconds and then turned back without saying a word.

She would have thought that her mother had caught her hunting by now but no. She was perfectly fine. Exept the 4th day she was gone her mother and father got suspicous. They knew she was going some where but how. How can she escape like that so swiftly, Without anybody knowing about it exept for them? She was a smart indian. Then she finally told her parents. They could not belive it. She turned out to have been doing it all along? They would say. But they let her do it becaus she would enjoy it so much. So she lived a happy life. And so did her mother and wonderful father. The End.

That will make it much easier for people to read and critique.

I'm going to do some nitpicking now. You have a lot of spelling mistakes and I'm not going to correct all of them because that's what spell check is for.

Paragraph one:
One day in a forest close to the huge Tunderboard lake lived a tribe of Floral indians. Floral meant nature back then to the indians. In that tribe lived a young indian girl named Jazz Minne (Jasmine is how you prenounce it.). She fished and hunted just like her father. But her mother would not approve. Most of the time she would stay in her Tee Pee and wash the clay dishes and make supper for her family like a regular Floral girl. But all she wanted to do was hunt and fish like every boy.

This is actually a pretty good paragraph. Maybe get rid of the "Jasmine is how you pronounce it" part.

Paragraph two:
One day she snuck out and went to the Tunderboard lake to catch some fish for her family. She caught 3 lake bass and 2 salmon. But all was not good for her Fishing spree. If she kept it up, she might have a fatal whipping from her tribe leader. She rushed home and put all the fish in the pot while her mother was sleeping and her father was at the Tribal meeting for men.

Why would she get whipped by her tribe leader? I thought it was only her mom that didn't want her to hunt and fish. You also don't need to say the exact amount of fish she caught, maybe just say "she caught some lake bass and salmon, enough to get into trouble for."

Paragraph three:
Jazz Minne got a spear and ran out into the feild to catch some wild buffalo.She saw a tiny tail and went behind a rock.She took her spear and threw it as far as she could toward the target. And then the target fell down softly without noise.She ran over and looked at the 300 pound dead baffalo infront of her. She got a cot and picked the baffalo. She was very strong for a 13 year old girl. She brought it back to her camp site.

Being realistic here, a thirteen year old girl cannot lift a 300 pound buffalo. Maybe have it be a baby buffalo?

Paragraph four:
Her mom was up, what was she going to do!!! She ran around the back side of her Tee Pee and set it down there. She walked back around to the front curtain door. She walked inside. Her mother stared at her for about 3 seconds and then turned back without saying a word.

Don't use three exclamation points. In fact, don't use any exclamation points right there because she is asking a question. That warrants a question mark, maybe even a '?!'. Set what down? Don't say 'it', say 'the buffalo' or something like that.

Paragraph five:
She would have thought that her mother had caught her hunting by now but no. She was perfectly fine. Exept the 4th day she was gone her mother and father got suspicous. They knew she was going some where but how. How can she escape like that so swiftly, Without anybody knowing about it exept for them? She was a smart indian. Then she finally told her parents. They could not belive it. She turned out to have been doing it all along? They would say. But they let her do it becaus she would enjoy it so much. So she lived a happy life. And so did her mother and wonderful father. The End.

Why did she tell her parents? Why didn't she get into trouble? Why was she so worried about it to begin with if her parents were that nice?

In all: Do you want historical accuracy? I'm pretty sure Jazz Mine isn't a Native American name. I don't think there were Floral Indians either.

I think that you could really improve on this, and when you do it will be very good. Not to say it isn't good now, but it could be made much better. Good luck, and keep writing!
Defying Normality: The Wicked Witch of Insanity
  





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135 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 6280
Reviews: 135
Sat Apr 02, 2011 1:43 am
ballerina13 says...



Hi! So this was a very short story and everything went at a very rapid pace. The plot is interesting and could have potential if it was expanded on. The character development was not very evident. What does Jazz look like, how did she get her name. Show us who she is as a person? Why is her story different? Also, describe things. Describe the tee pee, the forest, the woods everything and anything. What are her mother and father like? You wrote that he was "wonderful", why though? As the member before me, she as mentioned the spelling mistakes.
I also feel that you should cut up that long paragraph and put it into shorter paragraphs with dialogue etc. It is a good idea, just expand on it. I hope I helped and wasn't to harsh, PM me if you have any questions.
~Ballerina
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Sat Apr 02, 2011 6:11 am
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LoudandProud says...



HEY!
I thought that this had a good plot but it was confusing because of the text "wall." I think I would break it up into paragraphs to make it an easier read. It was very fast paced and I think that I'd use a little more description but for the most part I found this an enjoyable story.

Hope it helped
~LoudandProud
I don't want to gain the whole world and lose my soul.
  





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125 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 3435
Reviews: 125
Sun Apr 03, 2011 9:57 pm
PixieStix says...



thanks guys. Actually this really did help me figure out the idea of this passage. Next time I write a short story I will be sure to prepare to look back at your comments.you guys give me great ideas! And I am very exited to read over your storys also. I am guessing that you guys are like experts at the thought. You really help me in many diffrerent ways. I hope your comments explore other peoples minds, not just mine. Thanks again!

~Pixie2~
Ps> I'm not kidding about what I say. You guys are really helpful!
All you need is faith, trust, and a little bit of pixie-dust!
  








the only theft here is of decency when carina decided to rob me of my pride and put me on a banana
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