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Telephone Line



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Tue Apr 05, 2011 2:48 am
JoyceSparrows says...



Spoiler! :
As you can see, this story is written completely in dialogue. It was writing prompt. I would really appreciate your comments.
*edit* This is set in the 1930s.


“Hello?”

“Hello darling, it’s me!”

“Oh Ralph, I’m so glad you called! How was your trip?”

“I don’t know I’m still on it.”

“Where are you, Ralph?”

“I’m not sure; we just stopped at this little town for the night. I reckon that we’ll be in New York by suppertime tomorrow.”

“So, how have you been doing?”

“I’m well, but the real question is how are you doing? I hope you haven’t been working too hard; it’s not good for someone in your condition. ”

“Ralph, you know well that I am perfectly capable of taking care of myself, even in my condition.”

“I know. Listen, Sweetheart, there’s only one telephone here and the boys with me are real anxious to call home to their families. I’m gonna have to say bye to you now.”

“You’ll call again?”

“As soon as I can. I love you, Hazel.”

“I love you too, Ralph. Goodbye.”

“Goodbye.”

***

“Hello?”

“Guess who this is!”

“Ralph! Are you in New York yet?”

“You bet!”

“How is it? Are you settled in? Did you find a job?”

“Oh, New York is just amazing. It’s nothing like I imagined it to be. The apartment I’m staying in is on the twentieth floor. Can you imagine that? The twentieth floor!”

“You must be able to see everything!”

“The funny thing is I can’t, because there are even taller buildings!”

“Oh my! So, were you able to find any work yet?”

“Darling, I just got in yesterday, I haven’t even started yet, but don’t worry there’ll be plenty of jobs here. But enough about that tell me, how’s our little miracle doing?”

“Just kicking away like there was no tomorrow. I wish you could be here I miss you so much.”

“I miss you too, Hazel. I have to go now. I love you.”

“I love you too.”

“Goodbye.”

“Goodbye.”

***

“Hello?”

“Where’ve you been, Hazel? I’ve been calling you, but you don’t answer.”

“I’ve been busy, Ralph.”

“Busy? Well, anyways, I have something that I have to tell you, it’s real important. I—

“Hold that thought, Ralph. Don’t you want to know what I’ve been busy with?”

“What, Hazel?”

“Aren’t we crabby today? Okay, I’ll give you a hint; it’s something we’ve been waiting for, for a real long time.”

“You don’t mean…but, isn’t it too early?”

“No, I thought it to be a perfect time to get that barn roof patched up.”

“What?”

“I’m just kidding with you. The doctor said that she was healthy as an ox.”

“She?”

“Yes, she’s a little girly. I was thinking of naming her Violet, but with the French spelling V-I-O-L-E-T-T-E. What do you think of that?”

“It’s perfect.”

“Are you mad that it wasn’t a son like you wanted it to be?”

“If she turns out to be as pretty as her Mama, I’ll be the happiest man in world.”

“I’m glad you okay with that. So, what was this real important thing you wanted to tell me about, Ralph?

…Ralph?”

“Oh, um, I got a job.”

“That’s wonderful! Does it pay well?”

“Yes, I get three fifty a day, a dollar fifty for me, and two dollars to send home to you!”

“Oh, Ralph, this is such good news! I have to go now; it’s time for Violette’s feeding. Promise to call soon?”

“I promise.”

“I love you.”

“I love you too, Hazel. Goodbye.”

“Goodbye.”

***

“Hello?”

“Hello Hazel, how are you doing?”

“Me and Violette are doing just fine, but it’s starting to get awful lonesome here without you.”

“You don’t know how much I wish I could be home right now. I miss you so much. Did you get my letter?”

“Yes I did, and I read every word of it. But, Ralph, in it you wrote that you sent some money. I looked all over and found no money.”

“I know, darling. I was in such a rush to mail the letter that I forgot to put the money in the envelope. I’ll send it to you right away.”

“You don’t need to worry; I don’t need it right now. I was just concerned that someone might have taken it while it was being mailed. So tell me, Ralph, what are you doing for work?”

“I’m…fixing cars for the rich folk.”

“Oh, that’s interesting. Do you like it?”

“Yes, very much. How’s Violette doing?”

“She’s an angel. Oh, Ralph, listen.”

“Glurble”

“Did you hear that, Ralph? It’s like she knows you’re there. Say something to her.”

“Hi, Violette, It’s your daddy talking to you.”

“She just can’t wait to meet you. Violette’s getting on to be two months soon.”

“I can’t wait to meet her either. I’ll be home as soon as possible. I have to go now. I’ll talk to you soon, honey.”

“Don’t go, Ralph.”

“I’m sorry I have too. I love you.”

“I love you too, Ralph. Goodbye.”

“Goodbye darling.”

***

“Hello?”

“Hi, Hazel.”

“Oh, Ralph, is it really you? You haven’t called in weeks, I’ve been so worried.”

“I’m fine.”

“You never wrote me or anything. Where is all that money you were supposed to send?”

“That’s the thing.”

“What is?”

“I’m not giving you money because I don’t have any money.”

“What about your job?”

“I don’t have a job—I never did.

…Are you still there Hazel?”

“Mmm-hmm”

“I’ve been living with a real nice family. I help at their butcher shop. They give me food and shelter and fifty cents a day for savin’ so I can get back home.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I was gonna, but then you told me about the baby and I just couldn’t. Hazel I’m real sorry an—”

***

“Hello?”

“Hazel, why’d you hang up on me, I re—”

***
“Hello?”

“Hazel, I’ve got enough money saved up to come home. Do you want me too?”

“Of course I do.”

“I wasn’t sure. We haven’t spoken in weeks, and you didn’t respond to a single letter I sent you.”

“I know. When will you be home?”

“If I leave tomorrow I reckon I could be home as early as Friday; three days from now.”

“That’s good.”

“Tell me something, Hazel, how’s Violette?”

“She’s doing good. Ralph?”

“Yes?”

“I do love you.”

“Me too, sweetheart.”

“Goodbye.”

“Goodbye.”
Last edited by JoyceSparrows on Sat Apr 09, 2011 11:34 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Tue Apr 05, 2011 5:43 am
emoinpink says...



This was short and sweet and uncomplicated-I loved it. I wasn't sure what era it was set in-sometime in the first half of the last century? But that doesn't matter too much, you did great with a limited writing style. I'm not exactly sure why I liked this so much, but I did.
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Sat Apr 09, 2011 1:51 pm
fritzalfonts says...



This was well written considering you used only dialogue - well done! It would have been interesting maybe to set into a certain era but that could just be me being picky. Just a quick note, I think at the beginning its good for Ralph to say Hazel's name earlier in the opening conversation just so that the reader has a clear understanding how the character and the voice of the character is right from the get go. Overall an interesting piece:)
  





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Wed Apr 13, 2011 11:52 pm
megsug says...



This was adorable, and it seemed like you had fun while you were writing it, which might be wrong, but I would have a blast. You might not want much critiqueing with something like this, but I'm going to give it to you anyway.

““I know. Listen, Sweetheart, there’s only one telephone here and the boys with me are real anxious to call home to their families. I’m gonna have to say bye to you now.”

You have a big space here. I'm saying this becase there's not a lot I can say.

“Aren’t we crabby today? Okay, I’ll give you a hint; it’s something we’ve been waiting for, for a real long time.”
“You don’t mean…but, isn’t it too early?”
Why doesn't Hazel ever call Ralph? I would think she would call her husband for that.

“It’s perfect.”
I thought this was a little tame for a father finding out he's little girl has been born.

“If she turns out to be as pretty as her Mama, I’ll be the happiest man in world.”
Mama wouldn't be capitalized here. Mama is only capitalized when you're adressing a person as that.

“I’m glad you okay with that. So, what was this real important thing you wanted to tell me about, Ralph?
I'm not sure about that conversation because it's not like they can return the little girl and tell the check out guy that he made a mistake.

“Oh, um, I got a job.”
I thought you could dramatize this a little more, and give the reader a hint, not a huge one, but a hint that Ralph doesn't actually have a job..

“Yes, I get three fifty a day, a dollar fifty for me, and two dollars to send home to you!”
He wouldn't have this answer on the spot if he had just come up with the lie.

“You don’t need to worry; I don’t need it right now. I was just concerned that someone might have taken it while it was being mailed. So tell me, Ralph, what are you doing for work?”
I'm not sure of their situation. Of course, it would be too much to ask you to go into detail, but they're farmers in the depression, so I would think she would need the money. Maybe you could say, "No need to worry, poor Uncle Jim, God bless him, left us all that money, and I've got enough for now." I don't know. You don't have to. I was just wondering why he was getting a job in New York if they weren't in need of money.

“Yes, very much. How’s Violette doing?”
Again, act like he's changing the subject on purpose. Then we'll be able to add up all the clues and go "Ohh!" when Ralph tells Hazel.

“Hello?”

“Hi, Hazel.”

“Oh, Ralph, is it really you? You haven’t called in weeks, I’ve been so worried.”

“I’m fine.”

“You never wrote me or anything. Where is all that money you were supposed to send?”

“That’s the thing.”

“What is?”

“I’m not giving you money because I don’t have any money.”
I'd make Ralph sound really tired because he's tire of lying to his wife, and wants to come home and is afraid of how Hazel is going to react. I'm not entirely sure of how you could do that, but I would suggest a few ellipses like he's still debating about telling her, etc.

“Hello?”

“Hazel, I’ve got enough money saved up to come home. Do you want me too?”

“Of course I do.”
Really? She's been hanging up on him and avoiding him. Honestly, I would like more heat. I'd like to see more feeling from Hazel.


Okay, that was all an opinion, so if you disagree, please disregard it all. I loved your characters and how they bantered back and forth it was nice to have a calm marital dynamic. Keep writing.
Megsug
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