Young Writers Society

This is a story I wrote for an English vocabulary assignment. Some words are bold only because they are vocabulary words that I had to use. So when you're reviewing if you'd do a quick check that I used the words correctly that would be really helpful. Thanks, and enjoy!


Yeah, I’m stuck in these ancient, reeking catacombs, but I am certainly not your average, clichéd damsel in distress. I’ve still retained a shred of dignity.
When I first came in here, I wasn’t afraid of anything, not even an endless maze of underground tunnels full of human bones. The problem is that my horse was very afraid. We made it through a few hours down here without much of a problem, but then something spooked him as I was dismounting. I just managed to grab my bag of meager provisions before he took off.
I’m very lonely now, and I fear I won’t find my way out.
I came here on the misconception that my barbaric king was actually capable of rational thought. He sent me on a mission for him to recover some sacred epitaph. Now I’m wondering what he could possibly need it for, or how I could believe that anything about this was based on a rational decision.
It’s disgusting down here. There are rats everywhere, thriving on the piteous remains of innocents. And these are not normal rats. They’ve evolved into something much larger and scarier than they should be. If many of them were ever released into a city, I bet they would start the worst plague the world has seen.
I’ve been walking for days now, I think, but how can you really know when you’re underground? I feel eclipsed from life down here. A year could pass, and I wouldn’t be able to tell, except I would run out of food long before then. I’m already running low, and I have no idea how much longer I’ll need it.
It’s killing me to ration my food like this. I have to make sure it lasts as long as possible, but my belly is constantly rumbling. If only I’d had the foresight to bring more food with me. But I can only bring so much. I could never live down here, even if I wanted to.
I’ve given up on helping the king, and if I ever make it out, I will not be going back to the castle.
I’m not very important to him, and maybe once he forgets about me, I’ll even be able to visit my friends from time to time.
I walk and walk, not knowing what direction I’m going in, hoping I’m not just going in circles. Everything looks the same. Eventually, I’ll have to come to something else, right?
I think it’s been nearly a week since my horse ran off, but I really don’t know.
I think I can see a tiny glow ahead. Probably, I’m imagining it, but my weary feet are hopeful, and they begin to move a little faster.
My pessimistic mind (which obviously is not connected to my feet, since they are still traveling quickly) worries about what could be ahead. Maybe it is a person who will arrest me for trespassing. I don’t know if I’m allowed to be here. And I hardly even speak the language. What if my presence is a terrible crime and they seek vengeance? What if there are many soldiers? Would they kill me right away? Or throw me in some execrable dungeon to rot?
It is the king’s fault that I am about to meet my demise. I wish I had refused to be his pawn when I had the chance.
I wonder how my family will react when they hear of my horrific death. Will they be told that I was caught? Or will the king lie to them and say that I was lost down here? I wish they could know the truth, whatever it turns out to be, but I know that cannot happen. The king would do anything to save his reputation.
I take a break from my musings to notice that the light is brighter now and I think I’ve almost reached the end. I can’t hear anything ahead, but that would be too easy. Whoever is waiting for me is probably well hidden.
There is a bend in the tunnel, and I predict it will open to the outside just past it. So as I approach the corner, I press myself against the wall and move extra quietly.
I carefully peek around the corner to see what I’m up against. For a moment the clarity of light blinds me. There is nothing in sight. Another sweep of the surroundings reveals an open field, a few trees of varied sizes, and a little house in the distance. Wow, they are hiding really well.
I wait for a minute, and when nothing jumps out at me, I allow a shred of hope to enter my heart. Maybe I will make it out alive.
I step out into the light, bracing myself for the shock of a bullet in my flesh. But I hear birds singing; feel the wind on my face. Things I’ve lived for so long without that I almost forgot they existed.
I wander toward the little house, in a sort of daze. I can hardly believe I once again have my whole life ahead of me. Now what?
I probably have many alternatives to going back to the king – which I most definitely will not do – but right now I can only think of one. If I can’t return home under his rule, I will have to remove him from the throne.
Yes, this seems like a fine life goal. Even if it is the last thing I do, I will cultivate a rebellion against our brutal king.

I’ve still retained a shred of dignity.

But I’ve still retained a shred of dignity. Or: At least I’ve still retained a shred of dignity.

When I first came in here, I wasn’t afraid of anything, not even an endless maze of underground tunnels full of human bones.

When I first came in here, I wasn’t afraid of anything, not even the endless maze of underground tunnels full of human bones.

Now I’m wondering what he could possibly need it for, or how I could believe that anything about this was based on a rational decision.

Now, I’m wondering what he could possibly need it for, or how I could believe that anything about this was based on a rational decision.

If many of them were ever released into a city, I bet they would start the worst plague the world has seen.

If they were ever released into a city, I bet they would start the worst plague the world has seen.

I have to make sure it lasts as long as possible, but my belly is constantly rumbling.

I have to make sure it lasts as long as possible, but my stomach is constantly rumbling.

Things I’ve lived for so long without that I almost forgot they existed.

How long has she/he been down there? A week? Not 3 months or anything...

Ok, this is pretty good. Like Sar-Sar said, the ending should definitely be more final. Also, describe the catacombs more? The smell, the skulls, are the rats coming after your MC?

All in all it was pretty good. Fix the things I quoted and what I said above, ok?

Keep writing,
Alzora

WELL DONE!!!
i like it very much :D, but there some fixes need to be done.you spoke about you inner thoughts more than the state of the event and your relation to. don't forget it's the historical section.
Keep up the good work.

Any changes I make will be in the freaking beast color blue



Yeah, I’m stuck in these ancient, reeking catacombs. But I am certainly not your average, clichéd damsel in distress. I’ve still retained a shred of dignity.

When I first came in here, I wasn’t afraid of anything, not even an endless maze of underground tunnels full of human bones. The problem was my over emotional horse. We made it through a few hours down here without much of a problem, but then something spooked him as I was dismounting. I just managed to grab my bag of meager provisions before he took off.

I’m very lonely now, and I fear I won’t find my way out.

I came here on the misconception that my barbaric king was actually capable of rational thought. He sent me on a mission for him to recover some sacred epitaph. Now I’m wondering what he could possibly need it for, or how I could believe that anything about this was based on a rational decision.

It’s disgusting down here. There are rats everywhere, thriving on the piteous remains of innocents. And these are not normal rats. They’ve evolved into something much larger and scarier than they should be. If many of them were ever released into a city, I bet they would start the worst plague the world has ever seen.

I’ve been walking for days now, I think, but how can you really know when you’re underground? I feel eclipsed from life down here. A year could pass, and I wouldn’t be able to tell, except I would run out of food long before then. I’m already running low, and I have no idea how much longer I’ll need it.

It’s killing me to ration my food like this. I have to make sure it lasts as long as possible, but my belly is constantly rumbling. If only I’d had the foresight to bring more food with me. But I can only bring so much. I could never live down here, even if I wanted to.

I’ve given up on helping the king, and if I ever make it out, I will not be going back to the castle.

I’m not very important to him, and maybe once he forgets about me, I’ll even be able to visit my friends from time to time.

I walk and walk, not knowing what direction I’m going in, hoping I’m not just going in circles. Everything looks the same. Eventually, I’ll have to come to something else, right?

I think it’s been nearly a week since my horse ran off, but I really don’t know.

I think I can see a tiny glow ahead. Probably, I’m imagining it, but my weary feet are hopeful, and they begin to move a little faster.

My pessimistic mind (which obviously is not connected to my feet, since they are still traveling quickly) worries about what could be ahead. Maybe it is a person who will arrest me for trespassing. I don’t know if I’m allowed to be here. And I hardly even speak the language. What if my presence is a terrible crime and they seek vengeance? What if there are many soldiers? Would they kill me right away? Or throw me in some execrable dungeon to rot?

It is the king’s fault that I am about to meet my demise. I wish I had refused to be his pawn when I had the chance.

I wonder how my family will react when they hear of my horrific death. Will they be told that I was caught? Or will the king lie to them and say that I was lost down here? I wish they could know the truth, whatever it turns out to be, but I know that cannot happen. The king would do anything to save his reputation.

I take a break from my musings to notice that the light is brighter now and I think I’ve almost reached the end. I can’t hear anything ahead, but that would be too easy. Whoever is waiting for me is probably well hidden.

There is a bend in the tunnel, and I predict it will open to the outside just past it. So as I approach the corner, I press myself against the wall and move extra quietly.

I carefully peek around the corner to see what I’m up against. For a moment the clarity of light blinds me. There is nothing in sight. Another sweep of the surroundings reveals an open field, a few trees of varied sizes, and a little house in the distance. Wow, they are hiding really well.

I wait for a minute, and when nothing jumps out at me, I allow a shred of hope to enter my heart. Maybe I will make it out alive.

I step out into the light, bracing myself for the shock of a bullet in my flesh. But I hear birds singing; feel the wind on my face. Things I’ve lived for so long without that I almost forgot they existed.

I wander toward the little house, in a sort of daze. I can hardly believe I once again have my whole life ahead of me. Now what?

I probably have many alternatives than to going back to the king – which I most definitely will not do – but right now I can only think of one. If I can’t return home under his rule, I will have to remove him from the throne.

Yes, this seems like a fine life goal. Even if it is the last thing I do, I will cultivate a rebellion against our brutal king.