Young Writers Society

I didn't know where to place this but I knew it was history and short story so I placed it here. If its in the wrong category please help me XD. Due to this being a school paper I'm not changing the plot; grammar critique is appreciated as is opinions.

History: Plague
I coughed, the smoke of the burning fires irritating my throat, the embers flying in the slight breeze as my village burned to the ground. My fingers grasped my linen rag shirt shakily as I moved past the burning humans. The plague had wiped out everyone in my town, yet I was still here. Why me? I didn’t know, but right now I had to work. The farm wouldn't last if I wasn't there to tend it. Nor would I survive much longer without food from the land.

I pushed the tears away; I was fourteen! I could handle the loss. Still a few sobs wracked my body as I remembered the death of my parents and my three year old sister. I remember my parents abandoning my sister and I when things had begun to get worse.

Fear loomed in the back of my head. I couldn't save her. My precious sister died because I couldn't help her. Tears began to fall; a result of the smoke and the guilt. As I was standing in the street, the stench of burning flesh made bile rise in my throat. Swallowing thickly, I forced my trembling legs to move, to walk the path back to my house. It lay a few miles up past the village, safe from the fire and destruction. I felt as if I was going to fall and I wanted nothing more than this nightmare to be over. In only a few years my entire village, once prosperous, had fallen to shambles--just like the rest of the country.

As I entered the hut I felt the fever sapping at my strength, sending the world around me to spin. Collapsing, I felt helpless. There was no way I could survive this. Not when it has destroyed most of my beloved country.

Curled up in the straw bed I waited for the end. Soon my eyes began to droop and with a shuddering breath I slipped deep into darkness. I hoped that it would be the end. How I wanted to see my little sister again!

The next few days passed in agonizing slowness. As I slept black lumps begun to appear, swelling. The pain of them caused me to stir from my insistent slumber, and I felt tears prick behind my eyes as a wave of helplessness went through me. The pain had grown to unbearable heights and I just wanted it to end. 'Make the pain go away,' I thought as I finally slipped deeper into darkness. I didn’t want to relive the pain all over again.

One the third day, I had opened my eyes. I knew it was either late night or early morning, I felt slightly better. I felt a rush of hope lift my spirits. Despite this, I kept my body still as I could, for the pain still too much. With a defeated sigh at the weakness inside me; I allowed sleep to overtake me as I sank again to darkness.

The next time I opened my eyes I knew I would live. The pain was now bearable and I forced myself up. Hunger and thirst gnawed at my stomach and throat, and the world spun in my vision as I held onto a small wood pile for support. Closing my eyes, I muttered, “Thank you, Lord.” My voice was rough as a lump of gratefulness lodged itself in my throat. Tears of joy and relief streaked down my face as I allowed myself to cry. I would live! I felt a light encase the darkness I had suffered the past few days. I would be forever grateful for the second chance of life I was given.

I would live to have a future--a future my sister and village would never get to have. However, I knew they would want me to live as happy as I could be and I vowed to make them proud. I had survived what would later be known to the world as the Black Plague.

This is great! I will admit I did get goose bumps haha. I found one or two grammatical/spelling errors.

One the third day I had opened my eyes to feel just slightly better

I am assuming that it should be: On the third day.

I coughed the smoke of the burning fires irritating my throat.

Personally I think there should be a comma after coughed, otherwise it sounds like your coughing up the smoke rather than coughing because of the smoke? If that makes sense.

Apart from that I couldn't really find anything wrong with it. It was written brilliantly and I'm sure you'll get an amazing mark for it! x

thanks!!!!! its worth 30 points x.x wanna prove myself to my class

You has comma trouble.

I don't normally like it when people do this, but since it's for school I'll just quote the whole thing here and put my corrections in red.

I coughed, the smoke of the burning fires irritating my throat. My fingers grasped my linen rag shirt shakily as I moved past the burning humans. The plague had wiped out everyone in my town,, yet I was still here. Why me? I didn’t know, but right now I had to work or I wouldn’t survive much longer.

I pushed the tears away-- I was fourteen! and , I could handle the loss. Still, a few sobs w(?)racked my body as I remembered the death of my family. My three year old sister. The abandoning of my parents. I truly felt afraid at this moment. As I was standing in the street, the stench of burning flesh made bile rise in my throat. Swallowing thickly, I forced my trembling legs to move, to walk the path back to my house. I felt as if I was going to fall, and wanted nothing more than this nightmare to be over. In only a few years my entire village, once prosperous, had fallen to shambles-- just like the rest of the country.

As I entered the hut I felt the fever sapping at my strength, sending the world around me to spin. Collapsing, I felt helpless. There was no way I could survive this. Not when it has destroyed most of my beloved country.

Curled up in my home, (on the bed?)I laid there waiting for the end. Soon my eyes began to droop, and with a shuddering breath I slipped deep into darkness. I hoped that it would be the end-- How I wanted to see my little sister again!

The next few days passed in agonizing slowness. The black lumps had began to appear when I had fallen asleep. The pain had grown to unbearable heights and I just wanted it to end. 'Make the pain go away,' I thought as I finally slipped deeper into darkness. I didn’t want to relive the pain all over again.

One the third day, I had opened my eyes to feel just slightly better. I opened my eyes to darkness, feeling just slightly better and I knew it was either late night or early morning. I kept my body still as I could, for the pain still too much. With a sigh, I allowed sleep to overtake me as I sank again to darkness.

The next time I opened my eyes I knew I would live. The pain was now bearable and I forced myself up. The pain of Hunger and thirst gnawed at my stomach and throat, and The sheer pain of everything kept the world spun in my vision as I held onto a small wood pile for support. Closing my eyes, I muttered, “Thank you, Lord.”

I would live to have a future-- a future my sister and village would never get to have. However, I knew they would want me to live the happiest I could be and I vowed to make them proud. I had survived what would later be known to the world as the Black Plague.

You use a lot of fragments. Try combining sentences with commas, semicolons, and hyphens.

I actually really liked this. You did good.

Oh, and watch your tenses--you tend to switch around.

Thanks I know I do tried looking out for it

Hello! I have short amount of time to review, so I will keep it short and sweet! Also, I have no intentions of hurting or damaging feelings. I'm sorry if I do.(:

To me, it seems really list-y. There isn't much feeling to it, or that's what I think. Put thoughts in there. When she sees the people being burned, that's something that can be very traumatic to see. The way it's described, it seems like it doesn't bother her mentally. You could put maybe a flashback. Also, when you mention her family, add detail to it. Was their death quick, long, scarring? When she was falling in and out of sleep, I can't feel her pain or fear. Is she scared? Sad? Fearless? Describe further. When she is thanking the Lord, what are her feelings? Grateful? Regret? Just another thought. My only nitpicks about this are the details and such. I'm not very good at grammar, sorry about that. :\

Anyways, I do like the plot. It sounds interesting and a great story.

I'm sorry that I can't go deeper into detail with all of this since my small amount of time. ): I hope I helped in some way or another! (:

As I read this, I could actually picture a young girl walking through a ghost town haunted by disease and death. You capture the character's emotions well, which I find hard; I'm a more factual person.
So, down to the meat of this critique:

I coughed the smoke of the burning fires irritating my throat. My fingers grasped at my linen rag shirt shakily as I moved past the burning humans.

You start by talking about a fire, but you don't show the reader why there is a fire, or what is burning. As I understood it, the village was burning down, taking the disease stricken villagers with it. Perhaps you could explain this along the lines of "As I staggered through the burning remains of my home, I watched the people I had lived with since birth burn and die" or something like that.

The next time I opened my eyes I knew I would live. The pain was now bearable and I forced myself up. The pain of hunger and thirst gnawing at my stomach and throat. The sheer pain of everything kept the world spinning in my vision as I held onto a small wood pile for support. Closing my eyes I muttered, “Thank you, Lord.”

What exactly convinces her that she is saved? Perhaps you could introduce another character that comes to her rescue. Ex- "As she lifted me gently, I realized that the disease had made me a skeleton of a girl. She embraced my frail body, and whispered in my ear 'Its all right love. You're safe now.' I passed out once again but now with a feeling of hope rather than despair." I don't mean to re-write this for you, I'm just trying to show you how I think it could go.
Those are all the comments I have for now.
Hope this helps,
tr3x

Ok, now that you've rewritten it I'll go back to my usual reviewing style.

I didn’t know, but right now I had to work or I wouldn't survive much longer.

What kind of work? Why does she need to work to survive?

Still, a few sobs wracked my body as I remembered the death of my family-- My three year old sister, The abandonment? of my parents.

Mm, try to change these sentences--I'm afraid I'm using too many hyphens. Maybe you could add something else so it could be : "I remembered this, this, and this." instead of: "i remembered it. this. this."
Also, did she abandon her parents, or did her parents abandon her? Or did the neighbors abandon her parents to die?
Maybe you could even make it run into the next sentence, to show how these thing make her afraid.

Swallowing thickly, I forced my trembling legs to move, to walk the path back to my house.

Maybe italicize move.

Curled up in my home, I laid on the straw bed waiting for the end.

Better, but if you just say she's curled up on her bed, then she's obviously at home. Curled up in my home sounds ...somewhat strange, for some reason.

The black lumps had begun to appear when I had fallen asleep

I'm afraid this is also a fragment, but I'm not entirely sure how to fix it. (I tend to make long sentences which run together, which is obviously the opposite of your style.)

'Make the pain go away,' I thought

Good, but you still need a comma after a thought. (And that's a thought, not the word. Just to clarify.)

One the third day, I had opened my eyes. I knew it was either late night or early morning, and I felt feeling slightly better.

If you're going to change the sentence structure like this, don't keep "feeling" because it should be "felt". I thought that opening her eyes to darkness was a better descriptive phrase, because I don't think we really need to know that it was "either late night or early morning", but I guess it's your call.

the next time I opened my eyes, I knew I would live.

Try to connect this to the next sentence with "because" or "for" or maybe even a hyphen. (....I have lots of things I like to use..... *sweatdrop*)

However, I knew they would want me to live as happiily as I could be, and I vowed to make them proud.

The phrasing was awkward.

Overall, this is much better than the first version, and I think you can make it even better.

I coughed, the smoke of the burning fires irritating my throat, the embers flying in the slight breeze as my village burned to the ground. My fingers grasped my linen rag shirt shakily as I moved past the burning humans.

Sooooouuuuuullllllll. Too. Many. Periods.
.....actually, the first two sentences fit together perfectly. Do that.

I didn’t know, but right now I had to work. The farm wouldn't last if I wasn't there to tend itand I wouldn't survive much longer without needing food from the land.

I truly felt afraid at this moment. The fear of death looming over my mind.

You just told us that you were afraid twice. The next two sentences might be ok since i'ts her thnking, but they're still kinda fragments.

The pain of them caused me to stir from my insistent slumber, and I felt tears prick behind my eyes as a sweep of helplessness went through me.

I'd use wave instead of sweep.


You're getting better every time.

You have a few grammatical errors going on here but I love the fact that you've written about historical problems and not fictional problems that don't actually plague the earth. Congratulations on making a very interesting story, one that keeps the readers interested and excited. Good luck!

This was great! Sad, I almost cried. One thing though,
Still a few sobs wracked my body as I remembered the death of my parents and my three year old sister. I remember my parents abandoning my sister and I when things had begun to get worse.
you say sister twice, it sounds weird. try something like, I remember my parents abandoning us when things had begun to get worse, or something like that. Happy writing and happy review day!
P.S. I didn't know people survived the black plauge. Learn something new everyday

It wasn't common but some did. It was very common for no survivals but if people didn't survive then how did they recover? XD. Anyways thanks for the review and Happy review day as Well!!! And I'll fix that haha. Just been busy and I already have given it to my history teacher...hmmms Oh well XD. Good luck!!!!
Soulkana<3

Hey,

Very well-written piece. It was rather short and while this might be great for class, I think you can expand on it much more. You also use many fragments and a pet peeve of mine is sentences in first-person stories with exclamation marks; it always seemed very 4th grade English project to me. We, as the readers, are left with a lot of questions. Is this character male or female? Which country is the MC in? And the question that every reader always asks, what comes next? This was a good piece that has the potential to become a great piece. Expand on this, add some more details and you'll have a really excellent story.

Favorite Line: Hunger and thirst gnawed at my stomach and throat, and the world spun in my vision as I held onto a small wood pile for support.

Overall: A-

~Jas

I'm not sure if I want to add on to this mainly since I do not do good with historical writings.....since I really am bad at history nor is it particularly my favorite either. Either way I'll consider the option at a later date when I feel I might be able to actually make this more interesting. Either way thanks for the review and I'm glad you liked it. The reason I did first person is because it comes easier for me; using third person restricts my style of writing.....a bit. It makes describing a tad difficult and I can't ever seem to really improve with it like I can with first. Either way I will consider your advice.

Hey,

No, I don't think you understand. I don't mean I don't like first-person. I mean, sentences like 'How I wanted to see my little sister again!' irritate me because there are better ways to describe that. Historical fiction isn't all too different from modern fiction, humans are all the same when you get down to it. I can see this as a full-fledged novel.

~Jas