Young Writers Society

AN: This is for a contest and it has the following elements (in addition to being historical in some way):
Dialogue only.
Each paragraph begins and ends with the same word.





"Is that what I think it is?"
"Yes. Well, I think it is. It's a trebuchet. It rotates and flings stones at the castle in the hopes that we can break down the walls. So if that's what you meant, then yes."
"Is it hard to use? It looks like it is."
"It isn't too hard; all you need to do is flip this lever, keep it moving and supply it with projectiles. The hardest part is rolling the stones up to it."
"That would be hard. It looks like you could use horses to pull the stones into place. Do you do that?"
"Well, we have some pretty strong guys. We only use the horses if someone gets killed off in battle, since the horses aren't as easy to use as the men. The men are more interesting conversation as well."
"I am to be executed, aren't I?"
"You will be executed. We will place your head in a net with other people's heads and fling them at your comrades in the castle. It'll be a shame, though, I liked talking to you."
"Here, I will not put up a struggle. You should kill me now so it is not so hard later. Shall I put my head here?"
"Right there is good. Hold still. If you wish to look at the sky before you die, that would be all right."
"That is a very big sword, and very rusty. Is it sharp? I think I would prefer an ax to that."
"Well, all the axes are in battle and they are duller than an executioner's sword. Besides, this does the job just as well.
"Are there any other swords you may use? I would die a happy man if there are."
"Do you not enjoy the intricate designs on this sword? It is an etching I did myself in the idle hours. It is the death of the Christ. If it is not pleasing, however, I will get another sword. Whatever you want me to do."
"Take my head swiftly then, lest I am deemed ungrateful of the promise of heaven. Oh Lord I pray my soul to take."
"Have you made your peace? I will refrain until you have."
"I have made my peace. You said I might look to the sky. May I?"
"You may. God save you."

o3O

This was... Sad. A bit odd. :/

Those were some interesting elements you had, especially in combination, and I think you did a good job staying true to them. However, I think your story needs some more work. Don't focus on including the elements alone.

It's stiff and awkward in some places because of how you chose to make the first word match up with the last word... I think in an ideal story, we'd be able to read through it without realizing that every start and end of a paragraph has the same word. That particular element should be included more smoothly. More unobtrusively...

Then there's the story itself. These two guys are on the side of a battlefield or something, and one of them is a prisoner. But he's not freaking out or anything, and his executioner doesn't feel the slightest bit guilty, even after they start talking. (Also, why did he like talking to this prisoner? All they talked about was the means of execution.). Is the prisoner in a cage, or chains, or stocks, or what? Are there other prisoners around? Perhaps listening to this conversation? Or maybe the conversation could be between two prisoners, rather than a prisoner and the executioner... Or maybe not. Your choice.

Anyway, this was really kind of devoid of emotion. At first I thought these were just a couple of guys talking about a trebuchet. Then out of the blue we find out that one of these amiable, companionable men is going to kill the other one shortly, and catapult his head over his comrades' castle walls. And they're just having a little chat about this, very calmly. And then this curious, almost cheery man, decides that he'll go without a fight. Towards the end we figure out that this may be because he's confident with his religion or whatever, but still. Make that come across earlier.

Maybe as a way to combine the first/last word element along with adding more emotion, the prisoner could be really nervous and fidgety, repeating phrases within the sentence as well as at the end. At this point I'm not sure whether he's fidgety or resigned. And I don't know if the soldier likes killing or is just as resigned. They both just seem... cheery. Friendly. Which is odd.

"Well, we have some pretty strong guys..." Lines like this don't sound particularly historical, I don't think. Maybe you need something more like, "Well, our men are no weaklings." Or something. Something that doesn't sound so modern-day.

This could maybe be interesting... But it needs some work, to make the readers less likely to go " O.o " at the end and wonder what they just read. Don't sacrifice the story for the elements you're required to have. I have confidence in you though; I know you can make it work. ^^

Keep writing.

Hi silentpages! That sounds really hard and I think you did pretty well considering. Is this for Azila's contest?

Anyway, I really liked this, and as you read my review please know that I do understand it would be hard to write like this! I do understand, but you can always improve.

My biggest problem with this is the beginning. Your explanation of the weapon just started to get a little bit boring. I wanted the beginning to draw me in. Instead even though it was speech it started to sound a bit like a text book. That isn't good. If you cut most of it out, it wouldn't even change the story. I don't think you need to cut it out though; you just need to make it a bit more interesting.

Another thing is I don't really feel any emotion in the mans voice. He is about to die. I think he would put up a struggle. What is he thinking about? Is he thinking about his family or children? Express that fear and worry through his speech. Have him talk to the man about it. That is usually what people do when they are about to die. I think you can get some really good emotion out of this.

Another thing I found unrealistic was the way the one man was so willing to do whatever the one man wanted. The only way the killer would act this way is if he was being manipulated.

I also have a lot of unanswered questions. I know this is in the middle ages, a war is going on, and a man is about to be executed. But besides that and a few details about a certain weapon I know nothing. What did this man do wrong? Why are the countries fighting? Does this man have family or friends? The could go on and on. I think if you expanded this it would be a lot better. I would feel more emotion, have more questions answered, and so on.

One thing I really liked about this is the ending. It was brilliant. I didn't really expect it, and I love how it just stopped. Obviously it was because he died, but it felt really original.

P.M. me if you have any questions.

Hope I helped,

A. S.

Mmm, this was interesting. I liked the sort of buisness-like, detached nonsense directions the conversation was taking in the midst of the actions.

However, it did seem a bit odd. The language felt a bit awkward, making it kind of obvious that the words were being forced into position to fit the prompt. I think some of it had to do with the stilted propriety of some of it, with contractions in some places but not in others where they would still feel natural.

It also kind of resulted in both of the speakers sounding the same. It was pretty clear through most of it who was talking when, but it didn't feel like it had much spark to it. Beyond the intrigue of the two characters sounding so chummy in such a non-chummy situation, I wasn't getting much personality from it. They were just sort of talking about strange tangents and they both sounded the same.

Add a little more personality? Try giving them different ways of speaking. You are depending entirely on dialogue to get your characters across, so it needs a little more. Maybe one uses contractions or turns of phrase and the other doesn't? One is taciturn and the other is incredibly chatty? They just feel so similar right now that the only thing distinguishing them is the subject of their conversation.

I did like the idea behind this and you did a pretty fantastic job with the repetition of words avoiding (mostly) sounding like repeption, but I just feel like it needs a little more "oomph" in terms of distinction.

Feel free to PM if you have any questions!

~GryphonFledgling

Hey charcoal! Here for a review!

You've already gotten some really good, solid reviews, and everything I was going to say has really been said by them, but I'm still going to give you a quick critique.

First off, your story is very impressively done, considering the limitations you had! You were able to convey the time period, the idea of the two speakers, and the subject matter in a very clear way. You also avoided sounding repetitious, which was no mean feat what with having the same words on either end of your sentence. It was also quite entertaining (in a grisly way, of course) and all in all it was a great read!

The main critique I have for you is personalization; both "voices" sound the same, really. If I were to pick a random section out, I wouldn't be able to tell who is who (not basing it off content of the sentences). Also, at first there was a very cheery, comradely sort of feel to the start of the conversation until one of them says, in what I pictured as a casual tone, "We're going to put your head in the net and fling it over the wall." Kind of came as a shock and really altered the way I perceived the speakers.

Aside from that, your piece is flawless. Great job, and thanks again for entering!