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Bullets of Peace



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Sat May 14, 2011 9:45 pm
AmeliaCogin says...



Please give this a quick read and if you'd be kind enough please review and LIKE if you like it! Thank-you!

:)

‘Isn’t she marvellous?’
‘A work of art...’
‘Are you ready?’
‘Yes. Nice and gently, now. Ease her out.’

***
Cassidy inhaled deeply, as if strengthening her power of resistance, and gently pushed her lover away.
‘Malachy: we must keep moving. We haven’t time for...for this!’

Malachy persisted, his lips empowered as if by an uncontrollable thrust of passion. Cassidy succumbed to the warmth of his hands as they caressed her body; the smoothness of his lips, the longing inside of her heart.

Malachy eventually collapsed beside her onto the short damp grass, breathing heavily. Cassidy fingered the thickly overgrown locks of Malachy’s hair, said calmly, ‘We’re fugitives, Mal. We’ve practically signed our death warrants, running away from that place.’

Malachy slowly revolved his head to face her, and locked her gaze with his delicate sea blue eyes. He pushed a single, calloused forefinger forward, and placed it upon Cassidy’s lips. The words he then uttered brimmed with such strength of pure emotion it chilled Cassidy to the bone.

‘We took a gamble, Cass. We’ll pay a price for our escapism: whether it be death or freedom. If we must die, then we shall face our fate with dignity.’

***
‘What shall we name her?’ asked Siobhan passively.
‘I thought we agreed she was to be known as “bog-girl”,’ replied Dale, meticulously shelling away layers of thick dirt with his finest, gentlest brush.
‘But don’t you think that’s a bit impersonal? After all, “bog-girl” is only a title. She deserves a real name. Don’t forget, she was once a living, breathing human.’
‘Well, I’m rubbish with names.’ Dale commented, shrugging. ‘You choose one.’
‘What about “Heather”?’ Siobhan suggested. Her tone indicated that she had been mulling the name over for some time. ‘It seems appropriate,’ she remarked, explaining: ‘the Pete bog is surrounded by Heather.’
‘Alright then,’ Dale replied, smiling amusedly. ‘Heather it is.’
***
Cassidy spoke slowly, carefully, asked: ‘What are we going to call it?’
‘What?’
‘You know...the baby.’

Malachy let out a small bark of laughter.

“What was that for?” cried Cassidy indignantly.
‘I don’t know...’ Malachy replied with grin. ‘You’re just always so...prepared...’

Cassidy heard him shift, and then felt his cool palm as - gently - he placed it upon her flat stomach. A tingling euphoria throbbed through her veins. She flashed-back to the moment she and Mal had met: the instant connection; the lust, the desire they felt for one-another.

‘If it’s a boy,’ he mused placidly, ‘what about “Kian”, after my father?’
‘May he rest in peace,’ Cassidy murmured. Her eyes downcast, she added softy: ‘I think it’s a lovely name. What if our child is a baby girl?’
‘You choose,’ Malachy replied. He moved a little closer to Cassidy, tenderly smothered her neck with kisses.

Cassidy lifted her eyes, and scanned the dewy landscape around her intently for inspiration. She gazed as the chilling breeze wisped clusters of Heather this way and that. Heather. Cassidy considered the prospect of naming her child after the wild flower. It’s a pretty name, she concluded, but it seems too coarse and heavy for a little baby. She continued to stare. The colour of the petals: they’re such a pretty pink...

Then suddenly it came to her. She turned to Malachy, and stared into his eyes. They were sleepy, soft, and sensual all at once. Cass blushed. She was carrying his child, and yet she was still hot under his gaze.
Tentatively, she asked: ‘What about “Rosa”?’

***

‘When do you think “Heather” lived?’ Dale asked, carefully tubing swabs.
‘Judging by her shoulder-puffed knit dress and fingerless gloves,’ Siobhan replied, chuckling, ‘I’d say the mid-eighties.’
‘Yes,’ agreed Dale. He added: ‘That would make sense. The nineteen-eighties were one of the worst decades when it came to the IRA movement. The bullet holes to her torso lead me to the same conclusion.’
‘So you think that Heather was a victim of the IRA?’ Siobhan asked. She trusted Dale when it came to his voice on particular periods in history. She preferred the archaeological side of her job, whereas historical details were her partners’ forte.
‘Most certainly: bullets were the IRA’s trademark. They were unnecessarily ruthless with their victims.’
Siobhan stared at the lengthily poised body, perfectly preserved down to the indentations of her dimples. She was so young. Pity stirred within Siobhan, and her eyes moistened.

***

Cassidy gasped for air. Her lungs felt as though they were on fire as she pushed forward, her calves throbbing and her veins shooting with adrenaline. Hailstones pelted, attacked her from above.

She shot a brief glance at Malachy, who ran beside her, his wet hair clinging to his forehead in tendrils. He pushed forward with every ounce of energy he could muster, yet his feet dragged heavily, kicking up thick peat. Cassidy could tell that he was tiring. She was, too. They were weak: both hadn’t eaten a proper meal in weeks. They’d being living off raw, unsubstantial potatoes. It was enough to keep alive, yet hardy adequate to energise.

Her eyes snapped back. She continued running. Cassidy thought about surrender. She could drop to her knees, hold up her palms, be hauled through the dirt, and slung into the back of a van. She could live. But what would life be without Malachy? He certainly wouldn’t give up. He’d rather die a martyr. She had a choice: live without him, or die beside him. She knew which once she would choose.

A slope lay before Cassidy, just a few yards away. If she could make it to the top, she had a fighting chance. She summoned all her stamina, pummelled her body, and thrust herself with a climaxing burst of adrenaline. Somehow, she made it. She felt like howling, yelling, rejoicing.

Cassidy stared around. Her heart began to sink. Malachy: Where was Malachy? Her eyes searched desperately below. She felt her body going into a state of shock. Cassidy shook it off. She scrambled down the slope without a moments’ thought to the consequences. Her dress with sopping wet and caked with mud. Suddenly she saw him. He was a distant stick on the dark wasteland plain.

I’ve left him behind.

Cassidy could make out the frantic movements of his limbs as he lunged himself forward. She knew that they were catching him up, though she couldn’t yet see them. She tried to move her legs, to cry out his name, to spur him on. But she couldn’t. Instead, her knees gave way. She watched hopelessly from the soggy filth beneath her as the rain plummeted to the earth, chilled her bones.

Then she heard it.

They smashed thunderously through the air. Malachy suddenly disappeared from view.
He’d gone down in a hail of bullets.

***

‘We’ll have to carry out a thorough examination when we arrive back at the pathology institution. In these spring temperatures, Heathers’ body will soon disintegrate.’

Siobhan shuddered at the thought. Dale sealed the vault, wiped his hands on his jeans, and began to filling out release papers.

Siobhan stared at the storage cylinder before her. It mimicked the temperature of the Peat Bog which had incarcerated Heather for over thirty years. Siobhan’s stomach twisted into knots when she thought of their taking Heather from the place of her final rest. Somehow, it didn’t seem right.

She had handled many a body over the five years she had spent in the field. Never had Siobhan felt so deep a connection to a preserved figurine of disintegrated muscle and tissue. It almost scared her: the fact that she had bonded with a carcass. She wanted so desperately to understand Heather, to question her, to find out what had happened to her. But it was simply not possible.

Heather deserved a name, a story. However, she would become an item, known as something like ‘Body #447.’ She would be stored behind a sealed glass cabinet whilst Tourists and museum-goers would awe at her very being, each creating the happenings of her life to suit them.

‘It’s so sad,’ Siobhan murmured.
‘What?’ Dale asked, peering at her from under his long-lashed eyes.
‘Nothing,’ said Siobhan with a forced smile, ‘nothing.’

***

He’d done it for her. He’d sacrificed his own life so that she and their baby had a chance to escape. What if she didn’t want to live?

Clambering over that slope spelt out a new beginning. It meant freedom, life. If she could make it once again, to the top and over, she could survive. Her baby would live.

She pulled her skeletal frame from the ground, and, as if empowered by some unexplainable surge, she began to walk. Cassidy felt closer to God than she ever had done in her life.

It was imminent. Death rippled through her bones, reminded her of what had to be.

She did not struggle for the hill. She began in the opposite direction, toward to the stick-men and the crumpled carcass
propped against the bleak backdrop of the plain.

Cassidy felt weighted, water-logged. Her drenched mass of curls wrenched at her scalp, pained her head. She paced rapidly, the four beings – one fallen, the others standing – becoming taller and taller, larger and larger.

She was a good nineteen yards away when they saw her coming. Cassidy’s ears immediately flickered as soon as she heard the muffled cries emanating from their crude mouths and the thick clack of their guns preparing to shoot.

‘DO NOT MOVE OR WE WILL SHOOT!’ Blared the united throng of coarse voices. The ground beneath Cassidy seemingly shuddered. It was afraid. But she was not. Her legs were pillars of strength.

She continued walking. They repeated their warning. She was only now ten yards away from the body of her lover: from her dear, sweet Malachy. Cassidy stopped, but only for a moment. She stared down the barrel of the gun, awaited the bullet which would enter her body, make her bleed beautiful, glistening scarlet. For a split second - the second that hung in air, frozen – the men and Cassidy were at a stalemate.

And then, in the blink of an eye, it was all over. You see, Cassidy had pushed off on her heel, springing her lithe form from the peat-ground, into a sprint. You see, in a flash of lightning, twenty-four bullets thundered into her torso.

Death came instantly.

Goodbye, freedom.
Last edited by AmeliaCogin on Wed May 18, 2011 7:06 pm, edited 2 times in total.
  





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Sun May 15, 2011 12:46 pm
Mickeystwin33 says...



This is a great story. I love the fact that you jumped from two different point-of-views, even though it did make it a little confusing. You did not quite explained what they did to be jailed, and that confused me. Overall it was a great story and you are a great writer. thank you for posing this great story, because I enjoyed reading it.
I may not be the brightest crayon in the box. I might not be the prettiest, shiniest or favorite. I might not be anything to anyone, but yet I'm still in the box.

There's nothing wrong with you. There's a lot wrong with the world you live in. - Chris Colfer

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Sun May 15, 2011 2:42 pm
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Azila says...



Hi there!

First off, I'd like to say that I really enjoyed this piece. You did an excellent job of molding the two stories together. At first, it was a little confusing, but it wasn't the kind of confusing that made be frustrated--it was the kind of confusing that intrigued me, made me really want to read more so that I would understand what was going on. I also love the fact that you wrote something so beautiful about a subject matter that is so ugly--and that you did it while still respecting the ugliness of the subject. You showed us what a terrible thing was going on, but you also showed us the beauty of human love between Cassidy and Malachy, and a sort of friendship between Siobhan and Cassidy. Nicely done. The writing is simple but elegant, and it has a definite sophistication and grace to it.

There are a few little typo-ish things here and there, but I'm not going to point them out because they're really not that bad. You may want to read over this whole thing carefully a few times, though, to catch them. Reading it out loud can really help, or asking someone to read it out loud for you. Or, if you want, you can ask me and I'll come back and give you some nit-picks. ^_^

I think my biggest complaint about this piece would be the dialogue. You do something called as you know, Bob dialogue, which is basically that you use your dialogue as a way to info-dump. You have your characters say things that they wouldn't actually say, because they're saying it for the sake of informing the reader rather than for the sake of being realistic to their own personalities/situations. Let me give you an example:
Judging by her shoulder-puffed knit dress and fingerless gloves,’ Siobhan replied, chuckling, ‘I’d say the mid-eighties.'
Siobhan wouldn't really need to say this, would she? Because they're both sitting there looking at the corpse, and they can both see her clothes. I would make this just be "Judging by her clothes." You can add a description of what her clothes look like in the general narrative, but it doesn't really belong in dialogue. That's the most blatant example, but you do it a few other places in a less extreme way. Just watch out for it--make sure all of your dialogue is for the characters, not for the readers.

Another issue I had was that the later part of the story, the part with the scientists, seems a little unrealistic. They just don't seem as well-prepared as I think they would be. For one thing, something like this would be very specialized--there would be a whole crew of people, each doing a very specific job. I'm not even sure what Siobhan is supposed to be doing! Is she overseeing the project? Did she help excavate the body? Is she doing an autopsy? Her emotional attachment is beautiful, but I'd like to at least know what she's supposed to be doing, if not actually see her doing it.

I liked the parallel with the name Heather. It made me think that there really is some sort of a connection between Siobhan and Cassidy. Until the very end I thought that the "bog-girl" was going to be Cassidy's baby, actually, so I was surprised when Cassidy died. I was going to suggest that you clear up this confusion by making it clear that the corpse is an adult--but I don't think you need to. Actually, I love that ambiguity. It adds to the sense of mystery in the whole thing.

Overall, you've done a lovely job here. Nice work. I hope some of my suggestions helped and please feel free to PM me or write on my wall if you have any questions or need anything at all.

a

P.S. Just so you know: I've added a 16+ rating to this piece, because of the mature topics in the beginning. It's not a huge deal, just a good idea since we've got some young members around here and it's good to give warnings. :]
  





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Mon May 16, 2011 12:28 am
Cole says...



Wow! I really liked this. I quite liked your characterization. You made it so personal and real.

Very good. Keep it up!

H.
  





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Tue May 17, 2011 3:03 am
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Soulkana says...



Hey Amelia!!!

I'm here as promised!! Must say this honestly blew my mind XD. You are very talented. The going between two points of view were very nicely done. It also gave a nice perspective of the story. Anyhow I found a couple of mistakes....none are like oh my god I can't believe I messed that up XD. It's all good just thought I'd point them out so you could fix em.

‘Nothing,’ said Siobhan with a forced smile, ‘Nothing.’


Think that should be capitalized. Not a huge deal XD.

he began in the opposite direction, toward to the stick-men and the crumpled carcass

propped against the bleak backdrop of the plain.


Need to hit delete before propped since you hit enter too soon XD.

Well that's all the errors I found in this marvelous work so I hope they weren't harsh XD. Anyways my only question is...what did they do to get in trouble with the IRA? Questions...Questions. Oh how they leave me wanting to know XD. Either way nicely done and I truly enjoyed it and I can't wait for more. Anytime you need reviews just ask. Keep up the good work and Sayonara. Buenas Suerte and Best of wishes.
Soulkana<3
May the gentle moon take you into peaceful dreams. May the mighty sun brighten your new days.
  





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Wed May 18, 2011 8:04 pm
blondeshorty01 says...



i adored it, the history was accurate, and the charters were well thought out. but, what did they do to be killed and/or arrested???? it's nagging at me XD
  





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Wed May 18, 2011 9:49 pm
GeeLyria says...



Hi there Amelia. I'm here as requested... to review... duh! xD I really like this story. It seemed real and it was entertaining. Now, there is something that kind of annoys me. And that's the fact that you use apostrophes instead of quotation marks. It distracted me so much I don't really have anything else to say.

‘If it’s a boy,’ he mused placidly, ‘what about “Kian”, after my father?'

Like for example here, it's supposed to be the other way round: "If it's a boy," he mused placidly, "what about 'Kian', after my father?"

Other than that, I think this is pretty good. You have talent! :)

Keep writing!

~Solvy <3
Noob is a state of being, not a length of time. ~Ego

"Serás del tamaño de tus pensamientos; no te permitas fracasar."
  





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Tue May 24, 2011 10:57 pm
inkwell says...



I'm impressed with your short story! At first I thought the past story was a bit overly sensational, but it provided a good contrast with the archaeologists. Both stories had a careful, and clever, construction and timing so as to move the plot along and provide cadence, context, and meaningful themes well. Sometimes the dialogue was a little simplistic or the plot felt like you were jamming too much into too little space, but because the stories were broken up it wasn't horrible. Good conclusion, but I think it would have been better if you somehow tied in a quote or thought from Siobhan at the end which would parallel perfectly with the death. Nonetheless, a solid piece of fiction. Keep it up. :)
"The most incomprehensible thing about the world is that it is comprehensible." — Einstein
  





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Sun May 29, 2011 2:51 pm
Justagirl says...



Wow. That was wonderfully descriptive and I really loved it. If you just revise it a bit to take care of some capitalization, punctuation, and grammar issues then it would be even better.
I really liked it and I think it was really well written. Great job. :D

Keep writing,
Alzora
"Just remember there's a difference between stalking people on the internet, and going to their house and cutting their skin off." - Jenna Marbles

~ Yeah I'm letting go of what I had, yeah I'm living now and living loud ~
  





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Sun May 29, 2011 8:44 pm
Ignatius5453 says...



I liked how you wrote it. Jumping back and forth got a little getting used to, and I had to read it through again just to make sure I could piece it all together and what not. But I thoroughly enjoyed it, I actually read it a third time! The only thing was I didn't like the ending.... I loved it. All of the other stories in the world seem to end happily, why not make a few that don't, they'll be even more memorable for that. Great job, Keep Writing!
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Fri Jun 03, 2011 2:54 am
Vettan says...



I really enjoyed the story. The way you painted the images with words is beautiful. My only suggestion would be to change the last sentences.
You see, Cassidy had pushed off on her heel, springing her lithe form from the peat-ground, into a sprint. You see, in a flash of lightning, twenty-four bullets thundered into her torso.
Death came instantly.
Goodbye, freedom.

For me it seems awkward and out of place. Having read this story it seems fitting for it to end gracefully like a dying swan. The ending seems too cold. In the story she wants to die with dignity and I believe you should give her "pride" at the end. In a sense that even when she was coldly murdered she still held her head high. I also do not believe that this was the end of freedom. Freedom is the power of choice and her death, in a way, was also freedom, she chose to move forward to live out her principals.
Overall great job. I really enjoyed the work.
For once you have tasted flight you will walk the earth with your eyes turned skywards.
  








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