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Wed Jun 01, 2011 12:24 pm
Shadowlight says...



I have Dyslexia which makes spelling and punctuation nigh on impossible for me, I have tried my best. Please in your reviews don't critique spelling or punctuation errors, I am looking for what you think of the story itself, critique that to your hearts content! Thanks so much!
~Shadowlight

***************************

The moon was a ghostly ship in the blue black sea of the winter sky. Cloud shadows sped along like frightened creatures stretched so thin as to barely be perceptible. In the eerie light that bathed the land things both seen and unseen were thrown into a focus of hyper reality. Out of a disused dried up old well in a equally dried up dead cops of trees a dark mist crept and pooled inches above the ground, throwing out little wisps like ghostly fingers as it moved hither and thither guided by some supernatural force. Wherever it went the grass directly underneath died instantaneously and crumbled away into dust.

The dark mist glided out of the cops of trees leaving a black brown trail of decay behind it as well as the remains of a poor animal caught in it's path who did not know to run. The mist made it's way to the top of a hill and looked about unsure of where to go. It made the mistake of raising it's head too high and was seen by a heard of goats who were being kept on the hill. The animals instantly took to flight followed hard by their bewildered, swearing shepard and his two young sons. They never knew that they owed the goats their lives. The mist lowered itself to the ground keeping watch to stay below the tops of the grasses. It did not follow the shepard or the goats, it had seen what it was looking for.

The town lay at the feet of the hill on the shores of the small sea. The mist went faster now but still keeping out of sight and without a soul perceiving, it flowed into the town it took to the alleyways and wove in between the houses, looking for what wanted. It found it shortly, a small town house made of whitewashed stone with tiled roof the mist flowed to the only door. It raised itself man high to the top of one of the door posts, now it looked like a black spirit from the pit. From its side a long wisp reached for the door ghastly fingers forming as it closed around the handle and pushed. The door gave a shudder then yielded to its touch and the mist entered, the door closing after it.

Once inside the mist looked about. The kitchen, and a common enough one at that. Rough cut stone floors swept clean, a long heavy table with benches. The fireplace was at the far side, within the embers still glowed red. A small hutch held cooking pots and utensils stood to the left of the fireplace. The mist payed no heed to these things, to it's left there was a door which led to the living area of this house and at its foot a dog lay it's eyes lock onto the mist. The mist turned face it the dog jumped to its feet hair bristling along its back a low growl barely stirring its lips the mist went closer. Now the animals eyes rolled back in fear ,it lashed out but the mist caught the unfortunate by its throat and threw it into the fire which leaped up in an inferno of black flames. Once again the mist turned to the door and this too yielded to it's touch. Three rooms were behind it the doors of each standing slightly ajar. In the first room two boys both youths shared a large cot on the floor. Lock in a subconscious battle for dominance of the bedclothes. The mist glanced in a toyed with an idea but dropped it before any solid plan had formed. It had business. On it went to the second door. a man and woman slept upon a low simple wooden bed. A toddler sleeping in a cradle awoke from sleep at the creaking of the door as the mist pushed it further open. It saw the looming figure of the mist and it began to cry. The woman woke up at once. The mist having fell to the floor hurried on to the last room, wherein its prey slept curled tightly around her pillow. The mist slipped noiselessly into the girls room and settled itself comfortably on the foot of the bed like some ungodly crow and held council with itself.

“So far so good my friends.”

“That's the girl? pathetic looking vessel isn't she?”

“Idiot! it doesn't matter what the vessel looks like.”

“Well, is it the right one?”

“Yesss, it isss her. Now remember, be easssy, gentle.

“I know! Now be quiet all of you, this is a delicate process.”


An unearthly still settled over the room and the darkness withing the mist grew until the whole room was black as pitch. The girl curled up tighter and shivered murmuring nonsense sleep words.

“Mary. Mary wake up child.”

Mary stirred, rolled over and settled with a sigh her face screwing into a frown, her dreams were turning, for the worst.

“It's not working.”

“Shut up!”

“Mary, pleassse wake up we want to talk with you.”

Mary's skin began to crawl sickeningly and she sat bolt upright all sleep fled from her mind as the fact she wasn't along in her room became apparent. She peered fearfully into the darkness.

“Hello?” she could hear a sound barely audible, as if steam was gently escaping from a pot. Her blood pounding in her veins, her heart was beating wildly. A fear she didn't understand seized her. She leaped out of bed making for the door, it closed just before her hand was on it. The suddenness of its closing caused the shutters on the windows to come ajar bathing the room in moonlight she turned her head staring up in terror. She opened her mouth to scream but she never had the chance.

***

The next morning the burnt remains of the dog were found in the fireplace by the eldest boy and in the commotion that followed, no one noticed Mary's prolonged absence. When she was missed her mother Elisabeth rather irritated made her way to her room. She entered then stopped abruptly. The room was a disaster, everything that could be out of place was. The heavy wooden chest had been pushed halfway across the room and now lay on its side, contents thrown here and there. Clothes were strewn about and a vase broken on the floor, the flowers it had held were wilted and dry. Mary herself sat in the middle of her bed still wearing her nightgown hair disheveled her face to the wall. She was absolutely still save a small repeated tick of her head.

“Mary what happened in here! Are you alright” Elisabeth cried hurrying over, all irritation giving way to motherly concern and wondering how no one had heard the noise that must have happened. Mary made no response her head just kept on ticking. Elisabeth looked into her daughters face. Her eyes were vacant and glassy her eyelids every so often moved very sleepily over them. Her mouth hung open and the hair falling into her face danced back and forth with each noisy forced breath.

“Mary?” Elisabeth now very worried laid a hand on her cheek. Mary faster than an adder striking seized her mothers wrist in a vice grip. Elisabeth let out a startled cry and tried to pull away but was unable to shake the inhumanly strong grasp. Mary's head still ticking jerked to the side and up. Her eyes were no longer vacant but they were not Mary's! The girls moth pulled back unnaturally far into a hard smile.

“I'm sssory, Mary'sss not home right now.”
"D*** the torpedoes! Four bells! Full speed ahead!"~ Admiral David Farragut
  





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Fri Jun 03, 2011 3:11 pm
JabberHut says...



Hiiii! I noticed you posted, and I wanted to read it and review. Obviously didn't get around to it 'til now, so hi! :D

Before I begin, I want to give you extra extra extra kudos for writing despite your dyslexia. You are so incredible. Very admirable that you don't give up!

So your story was really creepy. o: Your description was excellent. You've got an excellent grasp of the English vocabulary. So very cool! I wish I did. xD *lame* There were times where it I kinda lost focus because it wasn't very exciting reading about someone just [walking] down the street, you know? xD It would be neat to maybe mention if the mist's breath of wind as it passed caused some newspapers to fly or buckets to fall over or laundry to fly off the line. Maybe mention if they passed any interesting people. It would also be a great opportunity to describe the time period we're in!

There was a moment near the end, which was actually addressed here:

[...] all irritation giving way to motherly concern and wondering how no one had heard the noise that must have happened.


I think mom was actually awake when the noises happened. She was tending to the baby, and unless that baby is a serious screamer when it cries, Mom probably would've heard the windows/door slamming just next door. In fact, it probably shook their own bedroom walls. Just a thought!

I really like what you have here. It ended very creepily. I like the ssss's you put in some of the dialogue. I was confused how many guys were talking since not every other line of dialogue had the ssss's. I just assumed there were at least three people there. Still, it's all creepy, and we're not meant to actually know what or who they are. So cool! :D

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!
I make my own policies.
  





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Fri Jun 10, 2011 7:55 am
Bromthebard says...



Oh, my God, AMAZING, it was very descriptive, very detailed, and your use of words that are not in the average person's vocabulary amazes me. The fact that you have dyslexia surprises me, I could not tell at all while reading, and the fact that you still write in spite of your condition is amazing, I battle with ADD/ADHD, which gets the better of me sometimes trying to focus on writing. I agree with the above comment, that during the walking part, you should have something happen, describe a random person walking by, something falling, mist gathering, something, even though it doesn't bother me to read about someone walking, not all people like it. Very good, I hope to see more of your writings, keep writing, and good for you overcoming your dyslexia, don't worry if you miss some punctuation errors, if a company decides to publish it (which if you keep writing like this, they might), they have editors for that kind of thing. AMAZING PIECE OF LITERATURE.
I am.... a New Age Inkling! We must continue the fight for young authors, for it is the brave mans part to write with glory or with glory be rejected! (taken from a fellow New Age Inkling, Highlander)

Anyone who says they have only one life to live must not know how to read a book. ~Author Unknown
  





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Fri Jun 10, 2011 7:51 pm
AmeliaCogin says...



Hello! First of all, I love your avatar! It's so pretty!

I must say, I love this. Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful. The whole punctuation thing: not at all an issue. Actually, I became so engrossed in the story that I didn't even notice the punctuation. I won't nitpick, but I'd be happy to show you where extra commas and colons ect need to go. Just PM me if you fancy it!

Your writing itself: lovely. Your ability to create a sentence full of encapturing prose is simply marvelous. I would say, though, that at times you over-prosed just slightly. I think that often, short, pithy sentences mixed within reams of super-duper sleek ones can be very effective and emotive. That's how I aim to write, anyway. I think that having a blunt, tiny, informative sentence between chunks of lengthy prose can also give your reader a bit of a break, or just time to catch up with the story so far.

Anyway, this be the end of my review. I'm going to *follow* and *like* now. This is brilliant! I adored it and hope to read more of your work soon.
~ Alia
  








There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy.
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