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Young Writers Society


Dead to Rights Ch. 2



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Gender: Male
Points: 1040
Reviews: 4
Sat Jun 18, 2011 8:01 pm
TLT0715 says...



"Hey everyone, I appreciate the comments and suggestions you have given me from my first chapter. Sorry I've been gone a while, you know how it is with college and finding a job etc. Anyways, I'll keep coming up with ideas for the story. If there is anything that you would like to see more of or less in the story please let me know and I'll do my best ok? Great. Til then, enjoy :)!


North Aegean Sea, Greece, June 8, 12:24

Despite it being my first time in Greece, I will admit that the scenery called for attention. The weather was as clear as the lenses on my scope, and the breeze was light and refreshing. Unfortunately my stay would not last, after all, theres no rest for the wicked.

Thanks to some close friends of mine, I was able to track down my target and where she was located. My targets name was Alexis Miranda, agent number 00105. So far as I know, she has been recognized by her peers as one of the best field agents the Western allies has to offer. Looking at a profile of her I could hardly see how someone like her could be feared by the Soviets. I was on a speed boat about a mile from the shore. Using high powered optics, I saw Miss Miranda disembark from the local cruise ship. She was wearing a black sun hat, with a black bikini and long black skirt. I must say that she was more attractive in person than her profile had described. Even from a mile a way I could see those brown eyes of hers, soft yet sharp, and ready for anything. Its a shame that I had to kill someone like her. But this was no time for regret, I had to stay focussed.

Later that day I managed to get back to shore without being detected by the agent. To make things even better, the island we were on was isolated. Other than the people who worked at the small resort and a few guests, the island itself was almost empty. Less witnesses equaled less trouble. Looking around I saw the agent sitting at the beach by herself, very relaxed...almost too relaxed. This was too good of an opportunity to pass by. I wasted no time in finding a place to hide and set up my rifle and take her out. Like always, I took one bullet and loaded it into my rifle. I took my time training my sights on the unsuspecting agent. "She must know that I'm here." I thought to myself. Why else would she have chosen such a secluded place? It didn't matter, because once I finish this young beauty off, I'll have a nice evening to myself, like I always do." Taking two deep breathes, I slowly pulled the trigger...BANG! A perfect head shot. "Seems like I overestimated her as an opponent." I said to myself. "I was expecting more than...wait a minute." Then thats when I discovered something, something that has never happened before. The agent was still sitting at the same spot that I aimed for. No blood, no hit, just her, sitting calmly on that beach. "Impossible..." I thought "I've never missed!" As I look through the scope once again to see if the agent was still alive, I see her looking right at me and smiling. "Shit, I knew it!" This agent was cunning, she knew exactly what I was up to. As soon as I was discovered I made a break for it.

When I returned to the speed boat I was on earlier, I spent hours going through my rifle, trying to figure out how it is that I missed that shot. I did everything right, from the positioning of my crosshairs, the number of breaths I took, and the calculation of speed in the wind, I couldn't understand why I missed! Sadly, after no clear explanation, I had no other choice, but to use a second bullet to kill this agent. This was unacceptable.
  





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Gender: Female
Points: 4120
Reviews: 83
Sun Jun 26, 2011 12:30 pm
SkyeDreamer says...



I haven't read part one, but I thought this was very good. My one problem with it is the last paragraph; the whole piece was so strong, then this seemed to sort of smash it all. Maybe you could try to rework it so it kept the tension, speed, and imagery of the rest of the story... maybe it is just me who feels that way, though. I enjoyed this a lot overall. Never stop writing!
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Tue Jul 05, 2011 3:15 am
Samp says...



Hey there, TLT0715!
Just dropping you a review here.
Alright, well, I haven't read the first chapter, but I quite like how the story is going from here. There are quite a fair number of things I'd like to point out though, mainly small errors around, like missing punctuation.

I will admit that the scenery called for attention.

Here, more descriptions might actually be interesting since you only compared the weather and skies.

Unfortunately my stay would not last, after all, theres no rest for the wicked.

Unfortunately, my stay would not last, for after all, there was no rest for the wicked.
Might sound slightly better.

The rest are generally fine, but a fine bit more description, once again, might be useful. Keep in mind to show, not tell.

The last paragraph itself was confusing for me as it seemed not to make any sense whatsoever to me when I tried to link it back with what was already written.

Well, that is all I have to say. Have a nice day :D
-Samp
Absence weakens mediocre passions and increases great ones the same way wind blows out candles and kindles fires.
  








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