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Young Writers Society


He Remembers



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Thu Jun 23, 2011 3:55 pm
BlackwoodForest says...



As a child, he rhymed for his mother. He made her smile and laugh with his thoughtful words. His brothers hunted with their father. In their little house in the south, he helped cook and clean, all the while humming his little songs and making rhyming games for his sister.

As a young man, he caressed his sweetheart with beautiful words and loving touches, making poems just for her eyes. Because he loved her and she loved his words. The other boys flirted and played and eyed the girls, never committing and never caring. They had their minds set elsewhere-Japan.

His mother cried, that day the draft came. Because her sweet son had to go. Not her oldest, a strong and determined man. Not her second, eager and smart. But her boy, who loved words and sounds, who's kind hands and sweet lips painted visions more beautiful than the world. He had to go. She cried too, the girl who had his heart.

So he went overseas. He watched blood spill and lives slip away. He felt the tears make rivers down his face as it reflected the pain on his comrade's when they watched a friend or enemy die. They did not want to be there, killing innocent people.

He came home eventually, but it was not him. The kind touch and gentle words were gone; haunted looks and cold silence had taken their place. His innocence had been stolen. Yet she still loved him, that girl who held his heart. She stayed with him until taken by Death. Once again he watched his family fade away. Once again he watched innocent blood flow as payment for man's mistakes. Once again he was alone. He was alone.

But the words came back. The words he had lost, the things he had left unsaid. And he wrote. He wrote about loss. Wrote of sorrow and love and pain. Most of all, he spoke about the things he remembered. A mother's smile, a lover's touch, a father's tears, a dying breath. He spoke for the memory of those who had gone. Out of love and fear,he wrote to remember them. And once, when he was done writing, he decided to share.

So he went to the park, that summer day, and sat down on the bench. He started talking. He talked in rhymes, in beautiful words and painted visions. He talked of all those who were gone, he talked for all those yet to come.
  





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Sun Jun 26, 2011 2:38 am
TabbyGirl says...



I liked the gist of this... it evoked some good emotions.

He felt the tears make rivers down his face as it reflected the pain on his comrade's when they watched a friend or enemy die.


Loved this.

It could be longer... Perhaps you could add something, like, a particular instance where he either had to kill a person, or watched one of his comrades die, you know?

They had their minds set elsewhere-Japan.


From this I gather this story was about World War two, right? I mean, besides this statement, there's no mention of when this takes place... saying something about what year it is, or just out rightly saying it's world war two might help the reader, because I was a little confused myself.

I didn't really understand the end... Perhaps you meant for it to seem... I don't know, mysterious? I would clarify, or add something, or something. Besides the fact that I don't get it the ending isn't quite strong enough either.

But, besides that, I liked it :)

Hope I helped
--
Tabby
  





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Sun Jun 26, 2011 3:46 am
MiRaCLeS says...



Hi!

I have to say, this is a really, really sweet story. The emotions in it is so raw, which makes us, readers, feel for the character. I also liked how you 'showed' us their emotions, like here:
He felt the tears make rivers down his face

Instead of the plain old: he felt sad.

Although, I have to say, this story seemed kind of brief, well, it's not that so much as not going into the details. I'd like to see the story go into a bit more detail. How did the characters interact with each other? What did the girl look like? I think that dialogue would definitely make this story more interesting. Dialogue would also let us know the characters a bit more, as the characters of different personalities talk differently.

Having said that, the way you wrote it without the detail, was quite sweet. So, I think that if you chose not to add the details and dialogues in, the story would still be quite good. That's all. :)
  








I want to do with you what spring does with the cherry trees.
— Pablo Neruda