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The Return



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Mon Jun 27, 2011 5:11 am
geheim717 says...



Carter winced as his wife dropped her hand bag for the third time that day. She was so full of fury that she couldn’t see straight. He longed to hold her and tell her everything was going to be alright. But he was part of the problem and could only watch in silent agony as she continued to torment herself.

They tried to prepare soldiers for this moment; the return. Nothing could prepare him for his wife’s tears when he arrived home. It had been one week since his return and Alison still hadn’t accepted his injury. She couldn’t even look him in the eyes and fewer than twenty words had passed between them since his arrival.

Carter knew that he had been wrong to expect for everything to be the same. Allison had changed, and he could see that now. The war had been hard on everyone.

Finally the lift arrived and they entered side by side. “Wow, the war sure hasn’t taken anything anyway from what we Americans can achieve. This glass elevator is amazing!” Carter mused.

All he got was a scowl as Allison impatiently jabbed at the floor button to show just how disgusted she was to be even sharing the lift with him. When she stepped back there was a great jolt as the lift came to a shuddery halt. There was a ten second silence before Allison jolted into action.

“What’s happening? Why aren’t we moving? We can’t be stuck! I’m claustrophobic!” she whined as she paced the two metre by two metre lift.

“Claustrophobic?” was all Carter could say.

“Yes, honey, I’m claustrophobic. I guess that’s just another thing that changed since you dropped out to fight for our beloved King and Country,” she spat furiously. “While you were gone and I was working two jobs while pregnant so we could keep the house, and not to mention spending every day and night worrying about you, I may have forgot to mention that I’m claustrophobic.” So, she had finally cracked and the truth was out. Carter was ready to defend himself but was cut short to the sound of dripping water.

Allison’s water had broken.

She looked just as horrified as she did. “Don’t worry darling, this elevator is transparent someone’s bound to see we’ve stopped and call maintenance.”

“Nooo!” she yelled clutching her abdomen, but then she seemed to change her mind and grabbed for his arm. “Carter, I can’t have this baby now. I’m not ready, please make it stop…”

“You know I can’t do that Ally Cat. You’re going to be fine, we’re going to do this together…”

“We can’t, you know we can’t, not with your injury…” Carter was silent, trying to wish that it wasn’t true.

They sat there in silence for a while; Carter trying not to panic while Allison’s obvious distress and pain increased. Then she grabbed his arm and looked him dead in his eyes, “Carter, tell me how it happened, please? I need to know. I can’t get it out of my mind.” In any other circumstance he would have refused, but any man knows that you don’t say no to a woman in labour…

***

The attack came unannounced. One minute it was raining, the next it had stopped and we were under full attack by the Vietcong in the heart of the Vietnamese jungle. A bullet zoomed past my ear, so fast I felt it brush against my ear, and then heard it as it hit point black into the man behind me, piercing through his helmet and ending his life. Then time seemed to speed up and slow down all at once. I swiftly turned round to face my men, “Fall back, fall back! Get out of range!” Some stood there dumbly, unable me to hear me over the thundering of the Vietnamese bullets. It was like a movie playing out before me, the look of panic, horror and sheer hopelessness displayed on the men’s grimy faces around me, and that same look I imagined mirrored on my own face.

My feet began to move without my head telling them to. There had been no warning, no time to make a plane of defence. We were like helpless scattered chickens. All there was to do to run, and pray you made it out of the jungle alive. I was running for my life, scenes of war and devastation all around me. We were in a large group, but all around me, men were disappearing; a man sent whizzing of his feet, clear into the sky like fireworks on new year’s day. And all the while I was running, the bullets swishing behind me, the screams and cries of men calling for their mothers echoed around me. I was in a hot, burning nightmare and all I had to do was run.

I was about twenty metres from the safety zone when I was shot in the back. That single bullet paralysed me waist down. I wouldn’t have made it out if a fellow soldier hadn’t stopped for me.


***

Allison was speechless. All the pain of labour had somehow miraculously subsided with the story and she revelled in the silence. She wanted him to tell her more, but then she remembered his warning about the horrors and sadly realised that he was right. This would always be the part of his life that she would never be part of. She looked at her husband, actually looking at him without his wheel chair, and for the first time since his return began to accept the new Carter for what he was.

“Okay,” she gasped clutching her swollen stomach as the contractions continued, “Maybe I was a little too harsh…”

“And…” he prompted for more as he wheeled himself closer to take her sweaty hands in his.

“And we’ll do this together, because I do trust you, and while I’ve been pushing you away, this baby needs you, just as much I do.”


This is an entry for the The BIG Random Story Theme Contest, it is exactly 1000 words (:. Theme/Prompt: Your story is about a soldier in a glass elevator having a baby.
Last edited by geheim717 on Sat Jul 02, 2011 7:11 am, edited 2 times in total.
  





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Tue Jun 28, 2011 4:49 am
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Redfang18 says...



Such power of words. Your wizardry in this piece is magneficent. It lets the reader know what happens when a soldier returns from war only to see that everything changed since he left. You have done a splendid job with this. Keep writing for the sake of writing and your wizardry of words will be rewarded with more reviews.
Look down and show some mercy if you can.
Look down, look down, upon your fellow man.

~~~Les Miserables
  





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Wed Jun 29, 2011 12:44 am
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Skylar16 says...



Wow, this is a very good story. You really feel the characters and their emotions. Also it was very well written. I liked it because of that. The only things that stood out to me was that
You’re going to be fine, we’re going to do this together…” A semicolon could be used here or a period. But that’s up to you. Also, New Year’s Day should be capitalized. But that might be my Americanism.
Over all, your story was really good for its topic. Can't wait to read more of your work! Keep up the good work!

~Sky
When people ask me, why are you so weird, I never know what to say. Then I think, why should I be like this when I can be like ttthhhiiiisss?
  





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Sat Jul 02, 2011 4:35 am
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captain.classy says...



Hi there!

Aw, this is so cute. I really, really like it. However, like every story on here, there are some things that I think can be altered so the story is just that much better, realistic and all around more AWESOME.

Quotes 'N' Comments

She was so full of fury that she couldn’t even see straight.


So what I'd like to know is why she's so angry. I mean, I already really know, and it's probably she's angry at the situation more than him, blah blah, but I really think you need to say it. Some readers will glance over at this and instantly hate her when the finish the story and see what's happened. I think you need to have her tell him that she wasn't mad at him, but was mad that something like this happened to her, him, and their new child. That way we as the audience can feel more compassionate towards the story and her character.

Allison’s waters had broken.


Water, not waters. Just sayin'.

“Carter, tell me how it happened, please? I need to know.”


Um what? A really random and odd request that no woman having a baby would make. Therefore we need to put this into context! I think the only way you could have her request this without it sounding totally random and weird is for you to mention them sitting there for several minutes, waiting, her pain increasing. She's in tears thinking about the accident and turns to him for comfort, asks him to comfort her by telling him what happened. Other than that, just coming right out with it after your water broke? Kind of weird and unrealistic...

That single bullet almost instantly paralysed me waist down.


Almost? I thought he was in a wheelchair? This totally contradicts what you say about him being in a wheelchair and everything being changed. Why would there even be a story about 'how it happened' if nothing ended up happening? xD

She looked at her husband, actually looking at him and his wheel chair, and for the first time since his return began to accept the new Carter for what he was.


I love this line, however I think it would sound a lot more sentimental and make it an 'awww' moment if you said that she saw him without the wheelchair. Of course she's seen her husband and the wheelchair, that's what's bugging her. But if she saw him, just him, no more wheelchair, then that would mean that she saw that he's still the man she married, the father of her kid, and she still loves him. Ya know?

“And we’ll do this together; because I do trust you, and while I may not like to admit it, this baby needs you, just as much I do.”


Why does she not want to admit it? Gahh totally hate that woman. Hate her. xD

So, overall this is really good. Out of all the stories I have read that are to be entered in this context, I think I like this one the best. While the prompts are silly and random, that doesn't mean that they can't be serious and meaningful, and you showed that here. You turned a prompt that would have been weird into some heartwarming story that I don't think I'll ever forget!

The reviewers before are correct, you are a really good writer. Just be sure to think while you write something: how would I act in this situation? Or, even better, would anyone ever in a million years act this way in this situation? Because not all characters are you, you have to remember that also. Her personality matches up with most of her reactions, yes, but some things in here I don't think would ever happen.

I hope my advice helped! Keep writing,

Classy
  





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Tue Jul 19, 2011 9:56 pm
Starrywolf says...



That single bullet almost instantly paralysed me waist down.

Almost? I thought he was in a wheelchair? This totally contradicts what you say about him being in a wheelchair and everything being changed. Why would there even be a story about 'how it happened' if nothing ended up happening? xD


Sorry, just thought I'd point out that I think "almost" was meant like, almost instantly. Not as in it almost happened.

Other than that, I agree with the above poster.
I liked it quite a bit, it just seemed a little rushed. Maybe you could put a little more time into making sure everything falls into place, instead of things being said that are a bit, you know, out of context.
The characters seemed a bit too inconsistent, like how Allison was filled with fury and then suddenly was really forgiving.
It would be more realistic if there was a bit more of a slope, instead of "angry" to "content" that quickly.
  








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