Young Writers Society

I looked out of the window, the dark street outside was lighten only by a struggling lamp. I sighed and got up, walked toward the kitchen, and poured the steaming water from the kettle to a white little cup. I took the milk tankard, the sugar and the tea, and mixed them all together with the water, slowly breathing the wonderful smell of the tea. I looked again at my tea, filling something was missing, then quickly nodded, knelled to a low drawer, and pulled a half empty bottle of whiskey out of it.
After drinking my "strengthen" tea, I went back to my study, where I sat on an old armchair.
'Again?...'
'Do it.'
'But why? I don't even enjoy it anymore?'
No matter, do it anyway.'
That was it, I knew there was no point to argue with him, and so did he.
Was it him? I wasn't sure now, He usually didn't argue with me, he commanded me. Maybe I am doing it without him now?
Ever since I met him, my life were a living hell. He called himself Mr. Grey, and the name somehow suited him just fine.
I met him when I went to china-town with Mary, she said I have to try the smoke at least once, and beyond that smoke sat Mr. Grey, waiting.
It can't hurt you, you know. It's just a flower, Do it!
I craved to do it, but I knew Grey was waiting just for that, I swear I tried to resist, but I couldn't.
I got up of the chair in a boost of energy, stumbled my way across the room to my dresser, and in one swing, opened it widely. It looked like a screaming mouth, I never forgot that scream.
I searched inside until I found my goal, a little brown bag. I opened it with desire and stuffed the powder inside my pipe, then lighten it with shaking hands.
The bliss was immediate, I sat back, and faded away.
Look who came back for more...
Pleasure dripped from this voice, but also the promise for pleasure, and hunger.
Soon enough, I won't have to do a thing. You know where this road ends, I think you enjoy it...
I couldn't argue, Mr. Grey had a point there.
Well, let's go, then!- He urged me.
I quickly got dressed and grabbed a knife, I then got out to the street, and summoned a chariot to take me to the east.

After I paid the hackman, I wandered around until I founded what I was looking for- a pub.
I got in and ordered a drink, a man pushed me. I kept looking down. He left me.
After drinking, I went out. The fires in the lamps were brighter then ever, and the sounds of the street gushed me, an old, reeking of booze woman came toward me and touched my thigh.
I followed her to the alley, as long as she was a woman, I wasn't very judgmental.
She pulled up her skirt, revealing to me her so called "merchandise" I smiled, she smiled back. No teeth.
Yes!- Mr. Grey yelled.
Yes!- Was that Mr. Grey?
Soon her toothless mouth will look like the dresser, like Mary's mouth, and that other whore, too.
The knife shined in the light of the fire. I deeply enjoyed that certain look in her eyes right then. No! Mr. Grey enjoyed! He had to be the one who enjoyed!
"I think you enjoy it..."
I hacked her throat accurately, so she won't die, not yet... The damp wall was in her blood.
Then, I slashed her throat again, or was it Mr. Grey?
Of course it was, why would I do such a horrible thing!
She was weeping, her blouse covered in blood, tears and snot.
I took her left hand, and rested it on her chest. Macabre. Delightful.
Open her!- Mr. Grey yelled in ecstasy, though I had a hard time recognizing him from me- but it had to be him!
I opened her stomach, gutting her like a fish in the market, then removed those soft red things from inside her to her shoulder. I couldn't help but wonder- Do I look the same inside?
Now, it's time to take what ours...
My hand inside her, searching... Founding.
I took her womb and packed him- This belongs to me!- then wore my long coat again, and walked out of the alley, not looking back.
When I got home, I hidden my trophy in a little, secret closet of mine.
I went to the kitchen, and opened the drawer. The bottle was quickly opened and consumed.
The world was a bit dizzy right now, I changed my clothes, and burned the blood soaked clothes I was wearing during the night.
Great job!- Mr. Grey warmly greeted me, or was it me?

ummm... wow.... ok....

THis peice was good, but i was a little confused...
What was in her shoulder? WHat was his from her womb? and was 'Mr. Grey' a figure of his imagination, a self-figure, a spirit or another human being? What was the powder he smoked?

Besides my little nit picks, the writing was good, and i thoroughly enjoyed it. Just need to elaborate abit more on the further points.
Good Job.

Black Ink x.

Thanks.
About your questions- he putted her inside organs on her shoulder, there was nothing really his in her womb, and Mr. Grey is a voice in his head/perception of himself.
Allow me to explain, my intention was to write a story about Jack the Ripper, in fact, the description of the murder comes from the description of the body of Annie (I don't remember her last name), his second known victim.
In my story, he is an opium addict- thus the powder. As well as an alcoholic. That's also the reason for the vague, "trippy" way of description- it's from the point of view of a drunk, "high" Maniac.

Thanks for the comment, and I'm glad you enjoyed my story.

This is really well-written, intriguing, has a lots of good technique. Things I enjoyed were:

The metaphor, Mr. Grey, was well done. Sometimes these things turn out cliched or passe. Yours was perfectly placed, original and you used it as a way to enthrall the reader, it worked.

The descriptions were clear, concise and even better, not over-flowing like in some writing. They conveyed what they needed too, and nothing more. That's impressive, and left room for your plot to develop, not being weighted down by paragraphs of description.

The plot was linear. The beginning, middle and end were clearly laid out, and made sense. The movement of the plot was perfect, not too slow, not too pacey. Well-paced in general.

One thing that could perhaps be improved is phrasing, which was a little odd in places, in my opinion, but that might just be your location? Check spelling, but otherwise, editing isn't really needed, this is an excellent story.

Thank you very much!
People here are all very supporting, but this is the greatest compliment I've got since joining, I appreciate that.

No problem, I meant it

I thought that this piece was fantastic! There was never a boring moment and I felt as though it was taking me on a journey with each line! I loved the mystery that you brought in by using Mr. Grey, it makes you think a little bit which I think is important in any writing! Thoroughly loved this! Looking forward to reading more of your stuff

Thank you very much.

Hello! Little Princess, here for a review!

I looked out of the window, the dark street outside was lighten only by a struggling lamp.

Opening sentence is a little bland, try to spice it up a little, really draw the reader in. It's not bad, though, so don't worry about it.

I took the milk tankard, the sugar and the tea, and mixed them all together with the water, slowly breathing the wonderful smell of the tea. I looked again at my tea, filling something was missing,

Tea is very repetitive, also I think you meant feeling not filling.

'Again?...'

'Do it.'

'But why? I don't even enjoy it anymore?'

No matter, do it anyway.'

This conversation is completely unclear, you need to give some context of who is saying what. Even if you want to keep it vague, say something like "a voice said" and if the MC is replying, indicate that. Is this a person in the room, an invisible person, in his head. You can keep it vague but don't make it confusing.

my life were a living hell

My life WAS a living Hell.

she said I have to try the smoke at least once

The smoke? Perhaps you mean "A smoke" or "To smoke"

The knife shined in the light of the fire. I deeply enjoyed that certain look in her eyes right then. No! Mr. Grey enjoyed! He had to be the one who enjoyed!

Wait, what? What just happened here?

My hand inside her, searching... Founding.

I think you mean Finding, not founding.


Besides from a couple grammar mistakes your writing was good. There were a couple parts I was confused about but I like the point of view because it is clear that the narrator is not in his right state of mind. Nice work, just clear it up a bit. Hope this helped and happy reviewing!

This was truly incredible. It reminded me of a Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde type scenario

I have a question, where is this set? When I started reading it felt like an American backdrop, but then you said Pub then I thought England? If it is England I would use more things to make it seem English. By which I do not mean make him have crumpets and wear a bowler hat. Like make it a cup and saucer, they're very British and just find some British idioms to stick in there, or vice versa if it is American.

I think you captured "Mr Grey" perfectly, so there is no comments there just congrats, truly.

You used the word chariot which annoyed my slightly, I re-read it a few times as it doesn't seem to fit the story at all, it threw it out of context in my opinion.

Also, this is going to sound sick, i know, but could you make her death more gory. I mean you have basis for pure gore, like something such as; he pulled entrails out whilst searching, he delved his hand deeper into the new corpse moving closer accidently kneeling in blood, then i found it. Obviously you would write something better than that, it's just you have a perfect opportunity for gore so why not use it!

Overall, I really liked it and think it was excellent.

PM for anything

~ReDro