Young Writers Society

A/N: Okay, so, this was abit different to what I usually write but, it was created to help fight against poverty. This is original, not my BEST work, but I believe its alright. I know, it ends on abit of a cliff-hanger, but, I was bored and well, when inspiration jumps at you, you gotta go for it. Please review Much Loved, Black Ink x.

To begin with, I must tell you my name. Lily.
I am eight years old. I live in a small village in Africa, you've probably never heard of.
But now, I must tell you, I am now 11… But before today, my life was hard as a villager.. And this is where my story begins….

I was out one night, yet again collecting water for my poor mother. My little sister, Eli, was sick and her usual eyes, a bright green as those on a stem of a wildflower, were now clouded over. What to do, she was unsure. My mother tried to find a cause, and my father wasn’t around. I knew why she was sick. The enemy tribe, the ones we call sand-crawlers because of there sandy coloured skin, had poisoned the small amount of food we had.

We then had none and we starved. The whole tribe starved. I went hunting with my best friend, Zulu, when I wasn’t cleaning or cooking. I was the eldest and I had to help my family. I hoped one day to travel the world, but for now, I was stuck here in this terrible place which I felt ill to call home. School was short. I could only go for about 30 minutes every two weeks, which made me sad. I had to stay at home and look after my sister as well as the other six-year-olds of the tribe. I would've rather been at school, learning about foreign countries like America, China and Australia. I had left the small hut my family shared, to go down to the lake.

Leaning down, I saw my reflection and the one of the moons. It was large and bright like a circle of heaven. I began to fill the container. Then it happened. A large, scaly crocodile leapt out of the water at me, slamming its large, toothy jaws down on my arm. I screamed for help as my blood fell into the water and I went in with the crocodile. I blacked out after a few moments as the crocodile dragged me down, my rags of clothes catching on sticks and other sharp objects.

I then awoke again, looking up, into the face of a kid, not much older then myself. Maybe ten years old. But he wasn’t from my trie. He was one of the sand crawlers. I tried to get up and run but his muscly arms pinned me down to the firm ground. I looked about, distressed, to see that we were now away from the lake and in the safety of a dense bush land. He hushed my and I looked at him, confused and in fear. I looked to the arm where I had been bitten, pain surging through all my limbs and I bit my lip to hold in the screams, the taste of my own metallic blood filling my mouth as my lip bled. My arm was neatly bandaged in leaves, and there was no blood to be seen. I was still as confused as a polar bear in Australia, which was something I had learnt in school. He son introduced himself to me and I found out his name to be Cody. He sat me up and fed me, probably the biggest meal I can remember. Bread, and fruit, and some meat. I had filled my belly swiftly and he was now offering me a drink. I guzzled down the sweet nectar and instantly felt the strength restoring to my body. I stood, shaking and began to walk in the direction I thought my village to be in.

Cody soon stopped me and directed me in the way of my tribe, handing me a basket full of meat and bread as well as my container, now full with clean water. I, still confused, made my way back home. To see my mum knelt helplessly by my sisters bedside, stroking her sweaty forehead with a damp rag. I cooked some meat over the small fire and brought it, along with the bread, to my sister and mother. They looked at me, astounded but without question, guzzling it down.

I'm now 11, and I am trying to join the fight against Poverty. I will one day travel the world, to America, China, Australia and Antarctica. I will tell others my story, and I will never forget Cody, My sandy coloured saviour.

Lily lived on to become a traveller, write 3 books, and have 2 beautiful sons of her own, marrying Cody and are now living in Western Australia.

-Please Help Poverty. Help feed children like Lily's tribe and provide them with the essentials they need-

An original story. Written by © Courtney Harris July 12th, 2011 10:40 PM

I liked this and the fact that you were standing up for something. You must be careful however to the point that you paint the picture for the reader but not overpower it and make it sound desperate. There's a difference between BEING desperate and SOUNDING desperate. No one feels sorry for the latter, you see? The piece was good and I think you have something, but I would try rereading it and seeing where the cracks are and filling in. Good character with the little girl idea. Keep writing

Hello!

I quite like the simpleness of the plot and the language you used was very flowy and soft. So, that's all good.

However, the beginning came across as a little confusing to me.

To begin with, I must tell you my name. Lily.
I am eight years old. I live in a small village in Africa, you've probably never heard of.
But now, I must tell you, I am now 11… But before today, my life was hard as a villager.. And this is where my story begins….

I don't quite understand why you put the fact that she was eight years old when just the line below, you tell us that she is now eleven years old. I think that it'd be much better if you put it this way:

To begin with, I must tell you my name: Lily.
I am now eleven years old and live in a small village in Africa, you've probably never heard of. But before today, my life was hard as a villager. And this, is where my story begins...

It's simpler and easier to understand if you don't mention the part about Lily begin eight year old. Another thing to remember is that numbers are spelled out in stories, unless it's a date or time, of course.

There are also places in the story where it could've been phrased better like here:

My little sister, Eli, was sick and her usual eyes, a bright green as those on a stem of a wildflower, were now clouded over.

I think that it'd be better if you just wrote 'her usual green eyes'. Since this is quite a short story, so the descriptions of the characters won't matter as much. Don't get me wrong. Descriptions still matter, but considering the length of the story, it won't matter that much and you don't need to go into that much detail when describing. It's still a nice simile though.

We then had none and we starved.

To me, that phrase sounds rather awkward. What about Later on when we had no food, we starved? Or something along the lines of that. Putting 'then' in the middle of that sentence sounds really awkward.

Another thing I'm going to mention is the pacing with the crocodile scene. At the moment, the scene came across to me as quite calm, as if we're seeing it from behind a glass. I don't think it'd hurt if you add shorter sentences and describe the scenes more vividly to heighten the sense of action and excitement.

That's all my critiques. I really liked the ending and how you took a leap in time and told us what happened a few years later. I think that that ended the story really nicely. And as said before, I really like the tone and language of the whole story. Good job. Keep it up!

Hey Miracles.
Tha ks for the review. Tbh? The way it is written is mostly purposelful because in Africa, they dont get schooling.
But, if it were any other story, it woulve been very useful. THANK YOU! MWAH!~ x.