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Young Writers Society


Burning Skies



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Tue Jul 26, 2011 6:05 am
VuzzyCat says...



This was writen for a contest. I know, it is short, but I was afraid I would go over the word limit, which I didn't. So this story was based off of this picture here (Picture Number 2) and it was used for inspiration. Hope you like it!

Spoiler! :
Image


Burning Skies

The sirens begin screaming during dinner. Momma looks at Daddy scared. He nods and stands up. I look at him in confusion as he tells the servants to gather the “emergency previsions”. Momma rushes to my side and takes me off my chair. She puts me on the ground and begins to button up my coat that Nana (my nanny) just handed to her.

“Mamma?” I ask.

“Yes Sweetheart?” She asks quickly.

“Where are we going?” I look around as the servants gather together some food and pillows and blankets.

She pauses and looks me in the eyes. I can see that she is scared, but she speaks to me in a calm voice. “We have to go hide from the bombs,” she explains.

“Bombs?” I remember her and Daddy talking about bombs, but no one explained it to me.

“Yes, bombs. Big fires,” she speaks slowly so it is easier to understand. I nod looking over to the fireplace. Momma stands up and grabs my hand. We start to head out of the house.

“Wait,” I scream. “What about Snoogle?”

“Snoogle? What is she talking about?” Daddy demands. He uses some other words that Momma told me weren’t very nice.

“Right here,” Nana calls. She runs down the stairs and hands me my fluffy blue teddy-bear. I let go of Mamma’s hand and give Snoogle a hug. Momma takes back my hand and we leave.

We run for a long time. Daddy tells Momma that there is a town cellar or something that is supposed to protect us from the bombs, but only the rich people can get inside, and so we are very lucky that Daddy has such a good job. We run through the town and I see people screaming and running back and forth. I ask Momma what they are doing, but she doesn’t answer me. I try to keep up, because I’m a big girl, but it’s so hard when they are running so fast.

Finally, Daddy comes back and picks me up. He swings me so fast that I loose Snoogle.

“Wait,” I scream, but no one listens to me. I start to cry. Momma follows Daddy and tells me everything is going to be alright, but I can tell she is afraid. I sniffle my cry because Momma needs me to be a big girl.

Daddy runs past the church, and I see people inside praying. I ask Momma what they are doing praying on a Friday, and she says that they are scared too. I smile and tell her that we should pray too, but she says that we need to get to the cellar first. But I am scared now, so I quickly ask God to bless Snoogle.

I look up at the sky and see a black line that’s moving towards us. I point at it and ask what it is. Daddy turns around to see it, but doesn’t stop running.

Finally, Daddy stops and puts me on the ground. He leans down and pulls on some handle bars on the ground. It shakes and Daddy curses.

“What’s wrong, Daddy?” I ask. Momma comes over to me and kneels on the ground instead while Daddy tries again.

“The cellar won’t open, Honey,” she tries to explain. “They already locked it.”

“Oh,” I whisper. Then, a smart idea comes to my head. “So we can go back for Snoogle?”

Momma smiles, but a tear comes out of her eye. “Yes, we can go back for Snoogle.”

She gives me a big hug, and Daddy comes over and hugs us too. I thank God for helping Snoogle be safe.

I hear screams and cries around the town, but Momma and Daddy are hugging me, so I’ll be safe.

“I love you,” Momma says quietly.

“I love you too,” I say, confused for a moment.

“Hey Momma?” I ask.

“Yes?”

“Can I bring Snoogle to my lessons tomorrow? I want her to be just as smart as me!” Momma laughs, but she never answers me.
Last edited by VuzzyCat on Tue Jul 26, 2011 4:28 pm, edited 1 time in total.
I'm the author of my own life. Unfortunately I'm writing in pen. Mistakes I make can not be erased, the only option is to turn the page and start a new chapter. <3

I'm single because God is busy writing the best love story.
<3 VuzzyCat
  





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Tue Jul 26, 2011 9:15 am
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confetti says...



This was ADORABLE.
I like how the thoughts are very simple, like that of a child. One of my pet peeves is when people write from a child's point of view, but use words a child would never think of. You did a really great job of capturing the picture with words and I really enjoyed the ending, it was sort of, well, heartbreaking.
"So the writer who breeds more words than he needs, is making a chore for the reader who reads."
— Dr. Seuss
  





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Tue Jul 26, 2011 2:01 pm
GummyWorm says...



Like confetti said, this is really adorable, but bittersweet (in a good way). I love your use of dramatic irony throughout the story in how the little girl doesn't understand what's going on. She's confused but we (the reader) knows exactly what's going on through all of the tragedy. Since it's in the historical fiction genre, I want to say this occurred during Battle of Britain while the Nazis were launching air raids over London, but the story doesn't specifically say.

Anyway, good job and good luck with the contest!

Love and chocolate syrup,

GummyWorm
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Fri Jul 29, 2011 3:21 am
Burma86 says...



This was a fantastic piece. The innocence of the child during the panic and chaos of the bomb raids made the end of the story both haunting and beautiful. Thanks for sharing!
"Perhaps it comes from next door."
"Penguins don't come from next door, they come from the antarctic!"
"BURMA!"
"Why'd you say burma?"
"I panicked."
  





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Sun Jul 31, 2011 4:44 am
Shadowlight says...



I can't believe I forgot to review this! (kicks self)

I laughed and I cried.

This piece was heartrendingly beautiful and sad. I love how you wrote it from a such a childlike standpoint. that made the reality of the situation so much more emotionally evocative.

I'm not one for nitpicking grammatical or mechanical errors so I'll leave it at this.

I loved this story.
I loved it because it was so beautiful on multiple levels,

Keep up the good job!

~Shadow
"D*** the torpedoes! Four bells! Full speed ahead!"~ Admiral David Farragut
  





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Sun Jul 31, 2011 3:20 pm
goalfish100 says...



Hey there!

Just a few nit picks.

There is three short sentences here, try to vary them a little so it flows properly.
The sirens begin screaming during dinner. Momma looks at Daddy scared. He nods and stands up.


Here again you have written three short sentences in a row.
I nod looking over to the fireplace. Momma stands up and grabs my hand. We start to head out of the house.



Other than that this is a very cute story, and also very sad. I think, by conveying the story and emotion through a little child you have hit the nail on the head and this is a master piece. It actually made me cry.

Very well done!
  





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Sun Jul 31, 2011 10:40 pm
icebender28 says...



It is so cute! I loved how you made the reader understand what was happening, without saying it outright, so that it seemed more from the child's point of veiw. Very cute and so sad! I loved it and keep writing!
Life is to be lived, not survived.
  





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Tue Aug 02, 2011 11:53 pm
Vball9010 says...



I really liked this story! It was interesting to read through the simple words of a child. I greatly enjoy reading about war time stories, even though most, like yours, are heartbreaking. I enjoyed the end because it added a little mystery and sadness to the story. Great job! I wish you luck on the rest of your works!
  





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Wed Aug 03, 2011 10:01 pm
TheRazzle says...



I love the innocence. There isn't much I can say that hasn't already been said. I almost got a futuristic feel off of it, like an End of the World feel. That might just be me though. I think you did a great job of showing the optimistic attitude of children. I would have liked a little more discription, but like you said, you were afraid of running out of room. Don't be afraid to expand in the future.

Great Job!
Razzle
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Sun Aug 28, 2011 7:02 pm
Narnialover4ever1 says...



I love her innocence and sweetness! It was great! You explained everything from a little kids point of view which I really thought was great! Good job and keep up the writing!
When he bares his teeth, winter meets its death
And when he shakes his mane, we shall have spring again'

'Look there she goes that girl is so peculiar. I wonder if she's feeling well.
With a dreamy far off look.
And her nose stuck in a book' Something my best friend, Drew, said about me
  





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Tue Sep 27, 2011 12:11 am
Island6 says...



Truly Adorable but bittersweet at the same time. <3
Writing from the child's point of view is usually difficult (some people find it very annoying), but I thought you did it perfectly. Amazing job.
<3
  





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Tue Sep 27, 2011 4:34 am
joshuapaul says...



I'm with the others, this was lovely. I want to come back to this when I have a little more time and uproot the wee errors that blight this piece. I want to say something about the end.

“Hey Momma?” I ask.

“Yes?”

“Can I bring Snoogle to my lessons tomorrow? I want her to be just as smart as me!” Momma laughs, but she never answers me.


I know what you are after -- the contrasting, underplayed ending, it kind of sets it all off as they return to normality. And I get this, but in a way I want to see something else, a little hard and finite. I don't know, I'm tired.

It could be a really powerful piece -- ah I will be back with more.

JP
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