Young Writers Society

I tried to run despite the pain in my legs; I just wanted to get away. However, the more I ran the closer the footsteps got. There came a point when I realized I could not take another step. Each breath cut into my lungs like a knife, and my side ached from the constant movement. An alley opened up beside me and I dove into the shield of darkness, hoping that it would hide me. Sure enough, the Roman soldiers sprinted by on the main road. A few tears escaped my eyes, tears of relief. I was safe, for now.
A shape emerged from the shadows, destroying my sense of security. Gasping, I tried to escape, but there was no where to go. Behind me was the street, swarming with soldiers. Beside me was the alley, leading up to a dead end. And in front of me this person was coming nearer and nearer. Helplessly, I stood, waiting for him to arrest me or kill me. Instead, he stopped just inches away from my face.
“Why are they after you?” His voice was deep and raspy, and it reminded me of a goat in some way.
“Because I’m a Christian,” I stammered. When I tried to back away my back hit the hard cement wall. The strange man stood frozen, and in the blackness the only thing I could see clearly were his eyes. Bright almond eyes with a hint of madness.
“Christian? Well then, I can offer you a place to hide until they calm down a bit.” I gaped, not sure how I was supposed to react. I didn’t know if this man was trustworthy. Of course, I didn’t know if anyone was trustworthy. The reason I was running was because a man in our hidden church had given us away. Even our friends could not be trusted. Still, I followed him, making sure that I could always see the quickest route out of the alley. The man led me down to a small door. He held it open, motioning for me to enter. Inside was pitch black, and I shook my head. This man claimed to be a Christian, but I knew that he could do anything to me as soon as I stepped into the blackness. It was much safer to run.
“I’m sorry. I can’t stay. My parents…” I turned to leave but the man’s goat like voice stopped me.
“Don’t let them get you. And if they do, don’t turn away. If you’re going to be caught because of believing in something, you may as well keep believing up until the end.”
I nodded, flashed him a small smile and turned back to the road. Fearfully, I peeked around the corner. No guards were in sight, so I slipped out of the darkness and began to inch my way along the safety of the wall.
Suddenly, a rough hand grabbed me and I found myself staring at the soldier’s face. He yanked me along the road and towards a horse with hands that were rough from working. Ruthlessly he tied my arms and attached me to the horse. He placed himself on top of the animal and began riding away towards the prison. My mind seemed numb as I realized that I hadn’t escaped. My crime was only my beliefs, and I wondered if things would ever change for the future Christians. As I stumbled along, I wondered how my life would end. Would I be sent to fight lions or burned at the stake? Maybe they would drown me. Or there was always a possibility it would be a quick death with a sword. In any case, I would soon be dead. My name would be added to the growing list of martyrs.

This is nice
It's refreshing from the usual things people write on YWS, even in the religious category. Very original.
I like the bit of history you put in this, about how Christians were persecuted and executed for their beliefs.
The ending was a bit sad, but realistic, and that's what i like about this: it is not one of those pieces where everyone is happy in the end like in fairy tales. That annoys me sometimes. It was quite refreshing to read.
No grammar or punctuation errors I can see...

Keep writing like this, this is good!

I tried to run; I just wanted to get away. This sentace could use work, something more like, "I had to run, weather my feet would push forward or not was another question, but I knew I had to get away "However, the more I ran the closer the footsteps got. There came a point when I realized I could not take another step. Each breath cut into my lungs like a knife, I like that part and my side ached from the constant movement. An alley opened up beside me and I dove into the shield of darkness, hoping that it would hide me. Sure enough, the Roman soldiers kept runningYou have said running alot, I would use another word, something like "...the roman soliders sprinted by" . A few tears escaped my eyes, tears of relief. I was safe, for now. I like this starting, It really traps the reader, you now have them thinking. What did she do? Why is she running? ect.

A shape emerged from the shadows, destroying my sense of security. Gasping, I tried to run,"I tried to escape"? but there was no where to go. Behind me was the street, swarming with soldiers. Beside me was the alley, leading up to a dead end. And in front of me this person was coming nearer and nearer. Helplessly, I stood, waiting for him to arrest me or kill me. Instead, he stopped just inches away from my face. Seems very threatning... I like it

“Why are they after you?” His voice was deep and raspy, and it reminded me of a goat in some ways.

“Because I’m a Christian,” I stammered, trying to back away and feeling my back hit the hard cement wall.Word strusture, "I tried to back away from this stranger, but found myself hitting the hard cement wall" The strange man stood frozen, and in the blackness the only thing I could see clearly were his eyes. Bright eyes with a hint of madness.I don't like this sentance, it seems weird... I understand where you are going with it, but add a colour to his eyes "Bright blue(or whatever colour) eyes, hinting with madness

“Christian? Well then, I can offer you a place to hide until they calm down a bit.” I gaped, not sure what I was supposed to feel.feel? I would say what I was supposed to do? I didn’t know if this man was trustworthy. Of course, I didn’t know if anyone was trustworthy. The reason I was running was because a man in our hidden church had given us away. Even our friends could not be trusted. Still, I followed him, making sure that I could always see the quickest route out of the alley. The man led me down to a small door. He held it open, motioning for me to enter. Inside was pitch black, and I shook my head. Tell us why she shook her head, was she scared of what might happen down there? Was she just scared of the dark?

“I’m sorry. I need to go, though. I can’t stay.” I turned to leave but the man’s goat like voice stopped me. Word Choice, I don't like what she says.

“Don’t let them get you. And if they do, don’t turn away. If you’re going to be caught because of believing in something, you may as well keep believing up until the end.” I like it

I nodded, flashed him a small smile and turned back to the road. Fearfully, I peeked around the corner. No guards were in sight, so I slipped out of the darkness and began to inch my way along the safety of the wall. Good word choice

Suddenly, a rough hand grabbed me and I found myself staring at the soldier’s face. He yanked me along the road and towards a horse. Ruthlessly he tied my arms and attached me to the horse. He placed himself on top of the animal and began riding away towards the prison. As I stumbled along, I wondered how my life would end. Would I be sent to fight lions or burned at the stake? Maybe they would drown me. Or there was always a possibility it would be a quick death with a sword. In any case, I would soon be dead. My name would be added to the growing list of martyrs.This seemed to happen to fast? You couldn't really tell how she was feeling


Hi, Im WelcomingExeption. I really like this story, I love how you leave the reader wondering, what would have happened if she would have gone with the man. Its a very mysterious story in that way. Lots of questions left un-answered. You didn't give the main charcter or the man alot of desription, but it seems to work in this story for the resson that it all happen's so fast.
Your word choice in some areas seems really scrambled. I think i lised everwhere I thought needs help, and like I said before the last paragraph happend really fast as well. I would slow it down a bit, add the 5 W, and the 5 senses. You can never have to much description I hope this helped, and good luck with the contest!

Hi there!

I tried to write a story like this a couple years ago, but it never happened. All of these topics are tough and hard to write about, especially if you believe in it with all your heart.

This story is great. There's excellent imagery and the topic is very interesting. This sort of thing actually scares me because if you think about it, what if this had never stopped? What if Christians were still being persecuted today? It's thanks to all the martyrs that we're still here today. I'm glad you wrote this, it's very nice.

Keep writing!

i'm loving it, Cailey!!!! haha. But what I don't understand is the title. It doesn't relate to the story much. Still, you should've entered it in!!! It's such a good story!! Love the description!!!

GREAT JOB AND KEEP WRITING!!

Lotsa Love,
~Kat

I tried to run despite the pain in my legs; I just wanted to get away. However, the more I ran the closer the footsteps got. There came a point when I realized I could not take another step. Each breath cut into my lungs like a knife, and my side ached from the constant movement. An alley opened up beside me and I dove into the shield of darkness, hoping that it would hide me. Sure enough, the Roman soldiers sprinted by on the main road. A few tears escaped my eyes, tears of relief. I was safe, for now. I think you could make the opening action a little more dramatic, you want the reader to be on the edge of his/her seat. Take out works like However and stick to action words because you want the tone to be dramatic as well.
A shape emerged from the shadows, destroying my sense of security. Gasping, I tried to escape, but there was no where to go. Behind me was the street, swarming with soldiers. Beside me was the alley, leading up to a dead end. And in front of me this person "this person" sounds informal, say "a person" or "a big man" or something along those lines. was coming nearer and nearer. Helplessly, I stood, waiting for him to arrest me or kill me. Instead, he stopped just inches away from my face.
“Why are they after you?” His voice was deep and raspy, and it reminded me of a goat in some way.
“Because I’m a Christian,” I stammered. When I tried to back away my back hit the hard cement wall. The strange man stood frozen, and in the blackness the only thing I could see clearly were his eyes. Bright almond eyes with a hint of madness. You could add more drama to that sentence, although I like the trait.
“Christian? Well then, I can offer you a place to hide until they calm down a bit.” I gaped, not sure how I was supposed to react. I didn’t know if this man was trustworthy. Of course, I didn’t know if anyone was trustworthy. The reason I was running was because a man in our hidden church had given us away. Even our friends could not be trusted. Give more on his thought process, is he paranoid? Tired? What convinces him to go along with this man? Still, I followed him, making sure that I could always see the quickest route out of the alley. The man led me down to a small door. He held it open, motioning for me to enter. Inside was pitch black, and I shook my head. This man claimed to be a Christian, but I knew that he could do anything to me as soon as I stepped into the blackness. It was much safer to run.
“I’m sorry. I can’t stay. My parents…” I turned to leave but the man’s goat like voice stopped me.
“Don’t let them get you. And if they do, don’t turn away. If you’re going to be caught because of believing in something, you may as well keep believing up until the end.”
I nodded, flashed him a small smile and turned back to the road. Fearfully, I peeked around the corner. No guards were in sight, so I slipped out of the darkness and began to inch my way along the safety of the wall. Provide more setting throughout. That will help set a tone/mood.
Suddenly, a rough hand grabbed me and I found myself staring at the soldier’s face. He yanked me along the road and towards a horse with hands that were rough from working. Ruthlessly he tied my arms and attached me to the horse. He placed himself on top of the animal and began riding away towards the prison. My mind seemed numb as I realized that I hadn’t escaped I don't understand why this is something he realized. My crime was only my beliefs, and I wondered if things would ever change for the future Christians. As I stumbled along, I wondered how my life would end. Would I be sent to fight lions or burned at the stake? Maybe they would drown me. Or there was always a possibility it would be a quick death with a sword. In any case, I would soon be dead. My name would be added to the growing list of martyrs.

I don't think this is bad, I just think you need to tweak it a bit to make it more interesting. So far, there is only a man running from the police but there is no real substance. You should definitely work in some more of his beliefs and maybe more as to why he was running. This can be done with flashbacks, etc. Also, since this is a history story you should make it really seem like it is happening in the past, you can do this with setting, scenary descriptions, etc. You want the reader to be invested in the character, also. Hope this helped!

Dear Cailey,

If anybody has to succeed in writing an excellent story, the person has to believe in the story. That person has to believe the story is good and it will appear in that way. If the person thinks the story is bad, it will appear that way. You have to believe in you writing skills to succeed.

Indeed, you story is excellent. I believe that you should put it up for the contest. Why not write a sequel? I am sure that most of the people who reviewed and saw this one, loved it and hoped that you would have written a review . . . like me. So why don't you?

The story portrayed the black and gloominess of the days of Rome. Excellent story telling, by the way. Historical Fiction, is something that I absolutely love. I believe that more people should write stories in this Genre.

I noticed a few things about your story. They more or less vary. They could either be good or bad. It is more or less for you to decide. I merely think of them as corrections. This is what I think is best. It is based on whether you think that it is good enough for you to change your story.

Well, here they are:

1:

His voice was deep and raspy, and it reminded me of a goat in some way.

There is no way, in Earth or another Planet with life (What?! There could be other Planets with life on them . . . right?!), that a man with a raspy voice (it sometimes happens) resembles a goat in anyway. It just is not possible.

Try to change that line. Don't try to compare an animal with a man's (Yeah, sure . . . I know, I know, humans are animals anyway . . .) voice. The effect that you want to appear will not.

Don't believe me? Try to imagine a Man's voice and then a goat's. See the difference?

2:

I turned to leave but the man’s goat like voice stopped me.

*Sigh*. Read what is written above this one.

3:

He yanked me along the road and towards a horse with hands that were rough from working.

I did not understand this one in the least. Just so that you know. How can there ever live a horse with hands that are rough from working?! Perhaps, I just read it wrong. But over here, normal people use the term: 'hoof'.

Just so that you know. Please try to change it in some way. Or I might just be wrong. Sorry if I am.

4:

Would I be sent to fight lions or burned at the stake? Maybe they would drown me.

Being burned at stake is originally something that came from Medieval England. It was a way to burn witches. They were scared of witches at that time and almost everybody was burned at stake for having simple things that they cannot control like: six fingers on a hand. How cruel.

At least now we know the truth.

The same goes for being drowned . . . I think. It seems kind of odd that they would do that here. Then again, these are Christians and Romans that you are talking about! Strangely, there are Roman Catholics nowadays . . .

I feel quite sorry for the main character here. Poor guy.

I hope this review has helped in someway or the other to improve your story. And again. Write. A. Sequel. I am telling you, many people will like it.

Regards,
Nova

P.S. My hands our hurting from typing so much for Review Day. I hope our team wins. I wonder what the prize is . . . is there a prize?!

I LOVED IT! wow, such a great theme and ending sentence! You should write more of these! You gave enough decriptive adjectives and it wasn't to long (which I thank you for ) Good job and keep writing! I'll definetly be following you!