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Young Writers Society


A Thief Somewhere



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Fri Sep 02, 2011 5:47 am
PiesAreSquared says...



Spoiler! :
Ok, now i have a little more description here, but go and tear it up if you like it, and if you don't, shred it :)


During the so called “dark” ages...
The sun beat down on the city of Carida, rows upon rows of houses lined the streets. On the north side of the city stood the palaces of the neighborhood gentry. The eastern side contained the merchants and their wares. cloths, gold, silver, etc. A river of about fifty feet wide ran through the middle of the city. The southern side contained the market. Here the turbulent market-men ruled. They were the butchers, the skin-flayers, the hawkers. From this quarter came the worst riots and malefactors.
In the center stood the City Hall, its lofty tower reaching towards the sky. Arranged in a circle around it were the guild-halls. These existed to repress rival traders. On the western side of the city the metal-workers, smiths, and armourers, resided. Near the walls stood a humble home, in its front an energetic elderly man worked at a furnace.
Balding slightly, his spare hair bounced every time he hammered the sword that lay in front of him. His brow was clouded with determination. His hands bled slightly from an accident. Perspiration dripped in large balls from his hair and chin. The day was unusually hot. Throwing down his hammer, he paused and surveyed his shop.
He stood at a rear corner with his furnace. At the opposite corner another one stood. This was for his apprentice. In the front of his sparsely populated shop stood a waist-high table. Armour and arms covered its face. He smiled. Today he had done a good day’s work. Two pieces of work a day was the most he did, and yet, he was a city-councillor. His pay from that occupation allowed him to do just that.
At this moment a boy some thirteen years of age ran in with a twinkle in his eyes. “Master, there’s been a robbery at Master Grytern the Chief Councillor’s shop.” With a worried expression, the armourer hastily put on a jacket he took from beside the furnace. Leaving an injunction on how a new piece of work was to be done. He hastened towards the City Hall.
Passing through the busy thoroughfares of the city, the armourer caught up to Grytern, who was walking hurriedly toward the Hall. “Master Councillor” he greeted cheerfully.
Grytern turned around with a start, “Councillor Vaream, how good to see you.”
“I guess there is to be a meeting?” Vaream inquired,
“There already has been a vote, everyone other than you were there. We breaked for fifteen minutes to get a meal. The council has promised all assistance. The Watch has been doubled, but i fear we will not catch this thief.”
“How much was taken from you, Master Councillor?”
“To the value of ten thousand Neerin.” This would be ruin to anyone from whom it was taken from, other than a noble.
“Has the City requested Count Earfenious to let to us his men-at-arms?”
“A message is being sent to that effect.” Grytern looked towards the palace.
They had reached the Hall. Its marbled steps and lofty pillars shone in the bright sunlight. There were a total of fifty councillors. Twenty councillors were served life-long terms. The rest were replaced every ten years. A vote in council had to be passed by a two-thirds majority. The council had the power of life or death over anyone within the city other than Earfenoius and his valets.
Once within, Vaream took his seat near the lower end of the horse shoe shaped room. Crossing his legs, he leaned back into his chair and sunk into the soft cushions. It was going to be another long-monotonous meeting. He looked with amusement at the chairs of some of the more hot-headed councillors. He would stir up some trouble and then sit back, relax, and enjoy the show.
In a minute all the other councillors arrived. Some looked hagged, other pompous. All had one thing in common, they were tired after the previous five hour sitting. The meeting went exactly as planned. Vaream managed to redirect the conversation towards the inevitable quarrel.

Back at Vaream’s shop...
The apprentice entered the sparsely furnished house. He headed for the back door and there sat waiting for a knock that would liven up the house. It came. Two normal knocks followed by three small knuckle knocks. The apprentice jumped up and unbarred the door. Immediately people carrying heavy wheat sacks started flowing into the house, he led the carriers into a darkened back room, where they deposited their loads. Going outside, he conversed silently with the men standing around. A few of them had participated in the daring night raid on Grytern’s home.
From there, the loot was separated and repacked dozens of times before making their way to Storina’s wheat refinery. There, it was packed in sacks and sent to this apprentice, who hid it in a secret room he had dug in his master’s cellar. When the apprentice had completed his training, he would take a share of the loot. The rest of the gang took one share. Storina, the gang’s leader, took ten shares, ten other shares were separated for someone else. The loot could not be stored at the mill as it was constantly being searched.
After the men left, Kardia-for that was his name- went down to the cellars with a ladder. The cellar was well filled, but a small path through the goods led to one corner. At the corner he uncovered a cleverly hidden hole some three feet in diameter. Pushing the covering aside, he peered down the shaft. It was fifty feet deep. Water rose till about two feet from the door.
Kardia leaned over. His hand skimmed just under the water, feeling the wall nearest to him. With a smile of triumph, he pulled a string out of the water. A soft sound as of a person wading in a pool came up the shaft and the water started to recede.
Grabbing the ladder, he slowly let it down the side from where he had pulled the string. He hooked the ladder to the side, and climbed down. Five feet below, he pushed aside a moss covered trapdoor. Within was a chamber about seventy feet square.
About three quarter of it was already filled with loot of all kinds from houses as far as the next county, Kardia stepped into the chamber and walked towards a door near the rear. It was an empty chamber. Crossing that chamber, Kardia opened a tunnel within that would allow more air into the chambers. He went up to the room and began carrying the heavy loads into the back chamber and arranging them in neat rows.
Two hours later he carried the last bag into the chamber. He hurried, knowing Vaream would be home soon. Once he closed the tunnel’s entrance, he climbed onto the ladder and closed the under-water door. He grabbed the string that he had pulled before and gave it another tug. The shaft gave another sound as of a shouting cattle-herder. The water level began to rise. Kardia took off the ladder and shut the door shut. He carefully swept dust onto the edge of the opening and left the cellar. Running to the shop, he took up his hammer and began pounding at the piece of armour that lay on the burning furnace.
Vaream came through the threshold just as it was turning dusk. Kardia seemed to be hard at work, his brown hair shaking with every breath. Telling Kardia to knock off work for the day, Vaream headed straight for the cellars, where he grabbed a small cask of wine. He took it to the dining area, where he broached the cask and began to drink heavily from it. He would be drunk beyond reason before night came on.
Kardia took his evening meal money from his master and scurried out of the house. He wrinkled his nose as he walked towards the marketplace. He entered a tavern near the marketplace and called for a meal of black bread, cheese, ham, and some wine.
He ate his meal in silence, thinking deeply within himself. He was roughly shaken out of his thought with a rough push. A man dressed as an apprentice was standing before him. Kardia knew, however, that he was no apprentice. He was the guide sent by Storina. Today, they were going to a gang briefing. The night before, Kardia had had a morning holiday, and returned before it expired.
At the mill was gathered about ten other men, these worked at the mill and composed the rest of the gang. Storina stood from his seat. The men gathered round him expectantly. “The Chief Councillor is making this place too hot for us,” he began, “Until things quieten down we can’t risk another expedition. We have to behave like good citizens in the mean time.”
Three weeks later...
“My men,” Storina said at another meeting, “ It is time for action. The Count has increased the taxes. The common people are smarting under this new oppression. For us, however, this is good news. The taxes will be gathered into the Count’s palace, we have found the exact place where it is being stored. It is in a chamber near the Count’s own bedroom. We will no longer need to coerce protection money from the people. We will now take the money after it is gathered.” The men threw their hands into the air and gave a mighty cheer. The activity the hated most was honest work, and the thought of a life of ease and plenty was appealing to them. They began to discuss a plan of operation.
That night, Kardia obtained an evening’s leave from his master. He joined up with his gang-buddy near the market and began walking steadily northward. They left the street near a back gate to the Count’s garden. Turning aside, they walked along a ditch running parallel to the wall for a hundred feet and jumped in.
In front of them was a small drain-hole, just big enough for them to crawl through, with metal bars criss-crossing it. Taking some tools from his trousers, Kardia deftly unscrewed the bolts that held the bars in place. They lowered it silently to the ground.
Kardia followed his buddy into the drain. The drain continued for about three hundred yards before turning up to an abrupt end. Kardia passed to his buddy a small pocket knife, and told him to insert it into the top-right corner. The concrete toppled backward, hitting his buddy on the fingers.
A rush of mud, slime, dirt, and rubbish of all description followed the slab. For a minute it ran down over Kardia. Then it stopped. A sour taste formed in his mouth. His clothes stank. He felt like he was a piece of garbage blocking the passageway.
They climbed up into the room that had contained the refuse. It was small, and light streamed from a opening near the top. Kardia looked at it from the shadows. From the movement above, he knew it was a small kitchen’s chute. He wondered how long he would have to wait before the house quietened down.
Every thirty minutes, a bucket of waste was thrown down the opening. After the sixth bucket, the light above disappeared. Kardia and his buddy sprang up, stretched themselves, and climbed up to the opening. Crawling through, they came into the palace’s kitchen. The stoves had been extinguished, and all was silent.
They silently made their way through a large hallway and into the Count’s bed-chamber alley. It was lined with tall columns. Its floor was paved with marble, at the end stood a large door. They stopped and crouched behind the last column before the door and waited for the rest of the gang to gather. After five minutes, all the men had gathered by that column or behind adjacent columns. They were all armed with either an axe, a sword,or a mace.
Storina split the group into two, one was to seize the count, the other was to break into the room and steal the sacks in which the tax was put. Kardia was part of the group that were to steal the tax. Storina held up an open hand. One by one he slowly closed his hand into a fist. The men rushed towards the door. With their axes, they quickly broke the lock and pushed the door aside.
The hammering of the axe had spread the alarm through the palace. The Count, however, was still fast asleep. After binding his hands and feet, the robbers tied him to a pole long enough for two men to carry with ease. The other robbers bashed through to the other room. All of those unoccupied now took a sack of the money, which weighed about fifty weights each.
Bearing their loads, the robbers ran steadily towards the main entrance. However, the palace’s men-at-arms had gathered round the door, and they soon surrounded the intruders. They shouted to the men that they would kill their hostage unless allowed to pass free. The men attacked anyway.
The robbers, with a cry of desperate furry, flung themselves on the men-at-arms after killing Earfenious. With an opposing cry of rage, the men-at-arms rushed forward to annihilate their despised foe. Kardia was one of those nearest to the soldiers. He had only his small pocket knife. One of the men rushed at him with his sword lifted high. Kardia ran inside his guard and stabbed him with the knife. The man fell back, dead.
Snatching up the fallen man’s sword, Kardia ran forward, facing another of the soldiers. Blocking the man’s strike, Kardia brought his left knee up between the man’s leg. But now a ring of them had surrounded him on all side. His desperate skill was no match for their long experience, and he was soon stretched onto the floor with a sweeping blow that took his right arm off.
When he came to, Kardia found that he was in the city’s main prison. His arm was bandaged up neatly and cleanly. All he could feel right now was a numb feeling that soon put him to sleep. He slept for another three hours, after which he was roughly awakened and brought to a room where he was told to sit.
He was not surprised when his master entered. Looking defiantly at him, Kardia said “Mas--” He was cut short by a motion from Vaream, who walked up close to him. Leaning over, Vaream simple said as he inserted a needle into his apprentice, “Now we all have to start over again. The men are all dead. I am the last. I am the only. I am the richest man in the world, my former apprentice.” Kardia leaned back over his chair. He was dead.
The moment you say that one set of moral ideas can be better than another, you are, in fact, measuring them both by a standard, saying that one of them conforms to that standard more nearly than the other. C. S. Lewis

I used to be ZLYF
  





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Fri Sep 02, 2011 8:03 am
DSF6647 says...



Okay so I only did the first part of your story. It all still needs quiet a bit of work, but you are doing good so keep at it :)

The eastern side contained the merchants and their wares. cloths, gold, silver, etc. A river of about fifty feet wide ran through the middle of the city.


Okay so first off “Cloths” should be capitalized if that is the start of your sentence. Also this is me personally – so you may throw this out if you disagree – but I hate it when someone uses “etc” in a sentence. I would rather you use metaphors and description to let me know what is over there, instead of “etc”. It just kind of feels like a copout personally.

They were the butchers, the skin-flayers, the hawkers.


Should be, “They were the butchers, skin flayers, and the hawkers.” The extra “the” is not needed and there should be an “and” before “the hawkers”.

In the center stood the City Hall, its lofty tower reaching towards the sky.


I thought a river ran through the center of the town? Just a thought so does the City Hall straddle it?

Near the walls stood a humble home, in its front an energetic elderly man worked at a furnace.


So what walls is the home by? And the second half the sentence is a little awkward sounding to me. I would try, “In the southern part of town a humble home rested against the wall. An energetic old man worked at a roaring furnace, sweat pouring down his face as he…” or something like that. Break up the sentence and describe what is going on a little more and then lead into the next paragraph.

His hands bled slightly from an accident.


This sentence felt awkward to me if you aren’t going to tell us what the accident was. I guess what I am saying is why is this detail important?

He stood at a rear corner with his furnace. At the opposite corner another one stood. This was for his apprentice. In the front of his sparsely populated shop stood a waist-high table. Armour and arms covered its face. He smiled. Today he had done a good day’s work. Two pieces of work a day was the most he did, and yet, he was a city-councillor. His pay from that occupation allowed him to do just that.


Okay so the first sentence sounds odd. It makes it sound like his furnace got up and is just chilling over there with him lol. Next… I don’t think populated is the right word since there aren’t actually people or living things here. Not sure what you are trying to convey but I would change that up. Next I would try to use another word other then “today” and “day” so close together in the same sentence. Find another word to try and mix it up. Next it should be “Councilor”. And it sounds odd to me that a City Councilor is paid. I mean how much does he get paid? If it is enough for him not to work as much at the forge, and if so how much of his time does it take? Just wondering if it is realistic.

You have a good start and I want you to continue working on it. I would recommend just reading what you have written out loud to yourself. See how it sounds and make changes where needed. Try to make things a little more streamlined by combing sentences.

You’re doing good!
  





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Sun Sep 04, 2011 2:40 pm
Rydia says...



Hai! Here I am and I shall start with a few line-by-line comments...

During the so called “dark” ages...
[Okay so instead of telling us in this way, you could have made a really dramatic start to this. You could have had something like: 'The streets were dark. Even when the sun painted their cobbles gold, they were still dark in their grim and dark in spirit. Perhaps that was why they called it the dark ages.' Then you could go from there with your other details and things.]

The sun beat down on the city of Carida, rows upon rows of houses lined the streets. On the north side of the city stood the palaces of the neighborhood gentry. The eastern side contained the merchants and their wares. cloths, gold, silver, etc. [Try to avoid using etc! It ruins the atmosphere you've been building and isn't necessary. Just describe the most important details and your reader will fill others in; they know what cities are like.] A river of about fifty feet wide ran through the middle of the city. The southern side contained the market. Here the turbulent market-men ruled. They were the butchers, the skin-flayers, the hawkers. From this quarter came the worst riots and malefactors.
[Alright so you've got some good description here, yay! I especially like the end to this paragraph, it's very nicely put together.]

He stood at a rear corner with his furnace. At the opposite corner another one stood. This was for his apprentice. In the front of his sparsely populated shop stood a waist-high table. Armour and arms covered its face. He smiled. Today he had done a good day’s work. Two pieces of work a day was the most he did, and yet, he was a city-councillor. His pay from that occupation allowed him to do just that.
[Okay so you've started going the other way now; this is a bit too much description. You've given us three paragraphs and nothing has happened. This level of description works better when you're deeper in a story but early on, aim to give strong descriptions but strong action as well to really lure your reader in.]

At this moment a boy some thirteen years of age ran in with a twinkle in his eyes. [You can do better than this. Twinkle in his eye is very cliche and you don't need to say 'at this moment' because it has the opposite affect to what you want. It delays the immediate arrival.] “Master, there’s been a robbery at Master Grytern the Chief Councillor’s shop.” [Make your dialogue realistic. The boy and the master both know who Grytern is so the boy is either going to say Grytern's shop or 'the Chief Councillor's shop'. Don't force your characters to give extra details just for the reader's sake.] With a worried expression, the armourer hastily put on a jacket he took from beside the furnace. Leaving an injunction on how a new piece of work was to be done. He hastened towards the City Hall.
[You've used haste or another form of it twice in this paragraph. Change one. Also, why does he put on a jacket? You've given the impression that it's sunny outside and that he's in a rush. Putting on his jacket doesn't fit with either of these.]

Passing through the busy thoroughfares of the city, the armourer caught up to Grytern, who was walking hurriedly toward the Hall. “Master Councillor” he greeted cheerfully.
[Uh... there is a thief and he's being cheerful? Try again!]

They had reached the Hall. Its marbled steps and lofty pillars shone in the bright sunlight. There were a total of fifty councillors. Twenty councillors were served life-long terms. The rest were replaced every ten years. A vote in council had to be passed by a two-thirds majority. The council had the power of life or death over anyone within the city other than Earfenoius and his valets.
[This is very info dumpy. Do we need to know this? Probably not. And if we do, I'm sure you can give us an idea of it through dialogue or something more exciting rather than a block of explanation. Remember, it's better to let your reader imply some of the details rather than to bore them by telling them every last thing.]

Back at Vaream’s shop...
[This is like something you'd find in a script and doesn't really belong in a short story. You should use a line or asterixes to seperate the two paragraphs instead.]

The next two paragraphs about the loot are far too long and repetetive. Condense them into one.

Alright I'll stop giving specifics now and I have two pieces of general advice for you instead...

Characters

My first issue with this is that we never get to know the characters so it's hard to care about what they're doing and their dialogue feels stale. They could be anyone. You never tell us how they're feeling, never give us an insight into their thoughts. You don't even describe anything about them that we can latch on to as an interesting detail. Like a certain way of walking or a certain type of dress. There's just not enough definition.

Plot

Second is the plot. It's a bit random and doesn't really work for a short story. There's no solid theme or resolution. It's the type of event you'd find in a novel where it might be given greater significance within the plot as a whole but just plays a small part in building the events. I guess what I'm trying to say is that it's not eventful enough to be the main focus of a short story.

Well hopefully this will give you something to think about when writing the next one!

Heather xxx
Writing Gooder

~Previously KittyKatSparklesExplosion15~

The light shines brightest in the darkest places.
  





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Tue Sep 06, 2011 1:26 pm
NightStormxd says...



This is really good.
It gives a really good mind movie and i really like that. Its like i dont have to work so hard to get what you mean!
Keep writing!!!

Fly On~ Raven
  








The fellow who thinks he knows it all is especially annoying to those of us who do.
— Harold Coffin