Young Writers Society

"Renee! Hey, Renee! Wait up! I'm sorry!" a teenage boy cried out.
Renee wheeled around on her red high-heels. She glared as the teenage boy ran towards her. She lifted her chin higher and glowered at him as he finally arrived.
"You're not sorry, Michael. You meant everything. Excuse me, but my mother requires for me to help out around her office."
Michael stared at her solemnly. Renee glared at him again and turned away, walking briskly to the Twin Towers. The teenager stared after her and then, began to follow her. The teenage girl wheeled around again, her bright blue eyes furious.
"Stop following me! I don't like you anymore, Michael. Being a firefighter in training is still a bad job. It could cost you your life and I don't want you to die. You chose to not be with me anymore, Michael. Forget it." she declared.
Michael shrugged, "It's still a heroic job isn't it?"
Renee squeezed his arm.
"Michael, you know I'd rather you'd be a businessman, right?" she asked.
Michael nodded, "But I love to be saving people......Most likely, you."
Renee turned away and began her journey to the Twin Towers again. Michael stared after her, afraid to follow or say anything. He ran his fingers through his brown hair. He walked away solemnly. His first job was ahead of him already....


"Michael! Oh no, please! The other tower's crashed down and no! It's going to-" Michael heard her on the phone.
"Renee? Renee! I'll be right there!" he shouted furiously into the phone.
"Michael, get in the truck now!" the Chief screamed.
Michael rushed into the truck, getting everything ready for the incident. His face turned red out of frustration as he fumbled with the supplies. Ron, his friend, laid a hand on his shoulder. Michael looked up, his face streaming with tears. He looked back down furiously, fumbling again. Ron helped him get everything ready while the truck's siren blared in their ears.
The firetruck suddenly stopped, and Chief began to shout, "Out out out! Get everybody out of that building!"
Michael breathed a sigh of relief as he saw that the other tower Renee had been in hadn't fallen. He began to calmly do his work, pulling out people under the debris. He helped a lot of people out and was glad of his heroic duties. Michael heard a rumble and watched in horror as another plane crashed into the second tower. He cried out angrily, "Chief! Ron! Please! Renee!"
Michael ran into the building as it was crashing down. He ran up the steps, looking for Renee frantically. "Everybody get out of here!" he screamed in rage. While everyone was getting out, he looked up and saw the ceiling begin to fall. He shouted for everyone to get out. He searched for Renee furiously, but couldn't find her. He finally found her in the women's bathroom, sobbing. She looked up at Michael and smiled.
"Michael! Oh, it's going to fall on me. I'm going to die." she sobbed.
Michael stared up at the cracked ceiling.
"Bye, Re-"

Ron watched as the building collapsed, with his best friend inside. He staggered back, deciding what to do. The Chief screamed that everyone get in the truck because a big black cloud floated towards them, hungry for death. Ron ran into the truck and shut the door. The firefighters stared in disbelief as the cloud rocked their truck. Ron silently sobbed. His best friend had died and he had lost the only person that understood him.

Ron walked solemnly toward the 9/11 memorial. He touched all the gravestones silently. His wife, Emily, watched his grief-ridden face look down onto two graves. He kneeled down to read the carvings on the stone.











Ron sobbed on their graves. He missed his good friends. They had always been there for him. It had been ten years since he had seen them. He looked up at Emily silently. He wouldn't want to lose her. He wouldn't want to lose Renee, his 4 year old daughter. He stood up, holding Emily's hand and picking up Renee in his arms. He would make it up to Michael. He would make it up to the world.

This was really good and it's good to know I'm not the only one willing to do such a story. What I will note is that it goes a little too fast. In order for me to write my story, I had to do an incredible amount of quick research so I would describe the way the planes were. Like how they crashed into the building and etc. If you put in some more description, this could work. Other than, great story.

My only comment is that this goes by way too fast and is very predictable. For example:

He searched for Renee furiously, but couldn't find her. He finally found her in the women's bathroom, sobbing.

This is basically the equivalent of "he looked for her, couldn't find her, but then he found her." Goes by too fast with literally no detail.


I'm not going to criticize this too much due to the subject matter and the respect I have for it.

Lena

Hi katngo73

This piece does seem quite short and more detail would make it alot more emotional, of course I would be sitting crying whilst trying to write it which probably wouldn't help. The scene moves too fast and could do with more description of what it must have been like to run into this burning building. It could also do with more description of waiting to get there, how restless and stressed Michael would feel.

However I think that you did a great job writing about such a sensitive and upsetting event.

- apple96

Ok I do agree with the others you could make this a little longer!!! But I'll just fix grammar and spelling mistakes.

Anything I change will be in blue



"Renee! Hey, Renee! Wait up! I'm sorry!" a teenage boy cried out.

Renee wheeled around on her red high-heels. She glared as the teenage boy ran towards her. She lifted her chin higher and glowered at him as he finally arrived.

"You're not sorry, Michael. You meant everything. Excuse me, but my mother needs me to help out around her office."

Michael stared at her solemnly. Renee glared at him again and turned away, walking briskly to the Twin Towers(which tower). The teenager stared after her and then, began to follow her. The teenage girl wheeled around again, her bright blue eyes furious.

"Stop following me! I don't like you anymore, Michael. Being a firefighter in training is still a bad job. It could cost you your life and I don't want you to die. You chose to not be with me anymore, Michael. Forget it." she declared.

Michael shrugged, "It's still a heroic job isn't it?"

Renee squeezed his arm.

"Michael, you know I'd rather you'd be a businessman, right?" she asked.

Michael nodded, "But I love to be saving people......Most likely, you."

Renee turned away and began her journey to the Twin Towers(again what tower) again. Michael stared after her, afraid to follow or say anything. He ran his fingers through his brown hair. He walked away solemnly. His first job was ahead of him already....



"Michael! Oh no, please! The other tower's crashed down and no! It's going to-" Michael heard her on the phone.

"Renee? Renee! I'll be right there!" he shouted furiously into the phone.

"Michael, get in the truck now!" the Chief screamed.

Michael rushed into the truck, getting everything ready for the incident. His face turned red out of frustration as he fumbled with the supplies. Ron, his friend, laid a hand on his shoulder. Michael looked up, his face streaming with tears. He looked back down furiously, fumbling again. Ron helped him get everything ready while the truck's siren blared in their ears.

The firetruck suddenly stopped, and Chief began to shout, "Out out out! Get everybody out of that building!"

Michael breathed a sigh of relief as he saw that the other tower Renee had been in hadn't fallen. He began to calmly do his work, pulling out people under the debris. He helped a lot of people out and was glad of his heroic duties. Michael heard a rumble and watched in horror as another plane crashed into the second tower. He cried out angrily, "Chief! Ron! Please! Renee!"

Michael ran into the building as it was crashing down. He ran up the steps, looking for Renee frantically. "Everybody get out of here!" he screamed in rage. While everyone was getting out, he looked up and saw the ceiling begin to fall. He shouted for everyone to get out. He searched for Renee furiously, but couldn't find her. He finally found her in the women's bathroom, sobbing. She looked up at Michael and smiled.

"Michael! Oh, it's going to fall on me. I'm going to die." she sobbed.

Michael stared up at the cracked ceiling.

"Bye, Re-"

Ron watched as the building collapsed, with his best friend inside. He staggered back, deciding what to do. The Chief screamed that everyone get in the truck because a big black cloud floated towards them, hungry for death. Ron ran into the truck and shut the door. The firefighters stared in disbelief as the cloud rocked their truck. Ron silently sobbed. His best friend had died and he had lost the only person that understood him.

Ron walked solemnly toward the 9/11 memorial. He touched all the gravestones silently. His wife, Emily, watched his grief-ridden face look down onto two graves. He got on his knees and read the carvings on the stone.