Young Writers Society

She began to cry, he could hear it in her voice, even as she tried to brave the inevitable for him. She knew that was what he needed. He already knew his fate, he didn't need her assuring him of it - not that that's what was happening, but...

"Don't cry. Please, baby, don't cry."

His girlfriend exhaled a forced laugh; they both knew it was forced. "I'm not crying," she said as she wiped at the single fallen tear on her cheek. Damn.

There was a short silence on the line. The sound of chaos from his end of the phone grew louder for just a moment. Defeaning.

"I'm sorry!" He yelled, as the sudden raucous that was a promise of his soon end began to wash away for a fleeting instant.

The tears broke free of their reins then. She didn't even bother fighting them anymore. He knew they were falling anyway.

"I love... I love you, David," she half whimpered, half yelled. It was like a plea, as if it could keep the worst from happening.

"I love you, too," David said. He suddenly sucked in a huge fill of air, barely withholding a holler of pain as the ceiling that had landed on him earlier began to burrow itself further into the back of his thighs. So much blood.

"I'm sorry, June," he said after taking a moment to recover.

She hadn't said anything to fill the silence after hearing his sudden gasp of pain. She had been trying to pull herself together before speaking.

"No. Stop! Don't spend this time apologizing!" She chided, full of anger. She was just so scared.

"June, be happy, okay? You..."

"...no, no! Dave, stop it!" June yelled, but he hadn't paused in his statement unless it was to compose his voice.

"...You're too wonderful a person to not be happy..."

"...David, please stop!" She begged.

More silence. He was losing so much blood.

"I love you, you... you know that right?" David was getting so weak.

"David..."

He was beginning his goodbye, and it was breaking her to pieces.

"I'm sorry..."

"...Stop..." June, interrupted again, but her words were no longer forceful. She had lost the internal war to somehow keep fighting for David's life - as if she could. Now, she only wanted to hear him speak.

"Sorry...for waiting so long to... to ask you... to marry me." David chuckled weakly. "Will you?" He wanted her to not cry anymore.

"Always, David. Always."

He smiled. "Hey, Junebug..."

She smiled faintly at the moniker. She knew she'd miss it, even though she had hated it up until this moment. Why was he speaking so low? Was it time already?

"I love you..." his voice was at a whisper; it was all he could manage. June had to strain to hear him.

After an absolutely morose sigh, she returned his words - her voice surprisingly strong and meaningful. "I love you too, baby. Always."

"Always," he repeated.

A moment passed as David shut his eyes tightly, tears streaming down from the corners. When he opened them again, he looked up. Looked for signs of God. He knew someone was helping him through this. It should've been impossible for him to hold his phone to his ear in the position he was in, let alone gather the strength that was necessary to even dial the number of his girlfriend.

"Junebug, be happy, 'kay?" She nodded although she knew he couldn't see her. "I love you." He had kept repeating those words. He needed her to know, without a doubt, that he did indeed love her.

He was getting colder. If the blood loss didn't kill him, the building would. He knew it would. Soon.
A beat passed.

"I have to go, now."

They both knew what he meant.

"Okay," she replied in resignation. Her voice was soft and scared. He hated it. He himself was scared and he hated that, too. But he did his best to sound the opposite. Just for her.

Neither of them made a move to hang up. They simply listened to the other breathe - or in this case, David listened to June breathe, while she listened to the chaos on his end of the phone. It was unnerving, but she didn't voice it.

"I love you."

They whispered those words to each other until it was all over. Until there was nothing left.

June had been watching the live footage. She heard the commotion then the sudden cut of the phone line as she watched the Tower itself crumble to the floor like a perverted game of Janga, but the pieces falling in on themselves instead of to the side.

June held the phone to her chest, crushing her eyelids closed in a feeble attempt to block out the reality of this disaster - this nationwide disaster.

She'll miss him. She knew that much. Just as the nation will miss its peace.

"Always, David. Always," she whispered.

Great!

The story was really moving, but there are several things that could make it a whole lot better, I think.

First of all, although your plotline was really well thought out, when you actually wrote the story it didn't come out so clean.
A few times adds to the emotion, but you repeated the "I love you" thing a bit too many times. The reader gets it. Now, if you had them saying different things, such as "Thank you for everything" or "You're going to be okay" or perhaps phrases more similar to "I love you"...but you get the point. It needs a lot more variety in the dialogue, except at the end. The end is moving and I don't think it needs any changes.

She began to cry, he could hear it in her voice, even as she tried to brave the inevitable for him. She knew that was what he needed. He already knew his fate, he didn't need her assuring him of it - not that that's what was happening, but...

"Don't cry. Please, baby, don't cry."

This start confuses the reader. We have no idea what's going on at all. Perhaps if you started earlier, like right when the ceiling fell on David or something. Then later, you could go into more detail about what you think it would feel like, look like, smell like, sound like, etc. to be in one of the towers.

There is just one more very small thing,

The sound of chaos from his end of the phone grew louder for just a moment. Defeaning.

This was the only spelling mistake I found. It should be "deafening".

Anyways, great story!

Hi there! Returning the favor for reviewing my piece, thanks so much:)
Wow, so I loved your writing, it was very emotional and deep.

She began to cry, he could hear it in her voice, even as she tried to brave the inevitable for him. She knew that was what he needed. He already knew his fate, he didn't need her assuring him of it - not that that's what was happening, but...

"Okay," she replied in resignation. Her voice was soft and scared. He hated it. He himself was scared and he hated that, too. But he did his best to sound the opposite. Just for her.

I loved how at the beginning you said she was being brave for him and then near the ending he is doing it for her, it really shows how strong their love is between them:)

She'll miss him. She knew that much. Just as the nation will miss its peace.

One little nit-pick, I would change the above to:
She'd miss him, that much she knew. Just as the nation would miss its peace.

Bravo, and excellent work!

~Dakota Knight

I really like this and I think if you fix the mistakes it could a freaking awesome story!!!!

Any changes I make (suggest) will be in the awesome color blue

She began to cry, he could hear it in her voice, even as she tried to brave the inevitable for him. She knew that was what he needed. He already knew his fate,but he didn't need her assuring him of it - not that that's what was happening, but...

"Don't cry. Please, baby, don't cry." He said exclaimed trying to calm her down.

His girlfriend exhaled a forced laugh; they both knew it was forced. "I'm not crying," she said as she wiped at the single fallen tear on her cheek. Damn.

There was a short silence on the line. The sound of chaos from his end of the phone grew louder for just a moment. Deafening.

"I'm sorry!" He yelled, as the sudden raucous that was a promise of his soon end began to wash away for a fleeting instant.

The tears broke free of their reins then. She didn't even bother fighting them anymore. He knew they were falling anyway.

"I (got rid of love)... I love you, David," she half whimpered, half yelled. It was like a plea, as if it could keep the worst from happening.

"I love you, too," David said. He suddenly sucked in a huge fill of air, barely withholding a holler of pain as the ceiling that had landed on him earlier began to burrow itself further into the back of his thighs. So much blood.

"I'm sorry, June," he said after taking a moment to recover.

She hadn't said anything to fill the silence after hearing his sudden gasp of pain. She had been trying to pull herself together before speaking.

"No. Stop! Don't spend this time apologizing!" She chided, full of anger. She was just so scared.

"June, be happy, okay? You..."

"...no, no! Dave, stop it!" June yelled, but he hadn't paused in his statement unless it was to compose his voice.

"...You're too wonderful a person to not be happy..."

"...David, please stop!" She begged.

More silence. He was losing so much blood.

"I love you, you... you know that right?" David was getting so weak.

"David..."

He was beginning his goodbye, and it was breaking her to pieces.

"I'm sorry..."

"...Stop..." June, interrupted again, but her words were no longer forceful. She had lost the internal war to somehow keep fighting for David's life - as if she could. Now, she only wanted to hear him speak.

"Sorry...for waiting so long to... to ask you... to marry me." David chuckled weakly. "Will you?" He wanted her to not cry anymore.

"Always, David. Always."

He smiled. "Hey, Junebug..."

She smiled faintly at the moniker. She knew she'd miss it, even though she had hated it up until this moment. Why was he speaking so low? Was it time already?

"I love you..." his voice was at a whisper; it was all he could manage. June had to strain to hear him.

After an absolutely morose sigh, she returned his words - her voice surprisingly strong and meaningful. "I love you too, baby. Always."

"Always," he repeated.

A moment passed as David shut his eyes tightly, tears streaming down from the corners. When he opened them again, he looked up. Looked for signs of God. He knew someone was helping him through this. It should've been impossible for him to hold his phone to his ear in the position he was in, let alone gather the strength that was necessary to even dial the number of his girlfriend.

"Junebug, be happy, 'kay?" She nodded although she knew he couldn't see her. "I love you." He had kept repeating those words. He needed her to know, without a doubt, that he did indeed love her.

He was getting colder. If the blood loss didn't kill him, the building would. He knew it would. Soon.

A beat passed.

"I have to go, now."

They both knew what he meant.

"Okay," she replied in resignation. Her voice was soft and scared. He hated it. He himself was scared and he hated that, too. But he did his best to sound the composed. Just for her.

Neither of them made a move to hang up. They simply listened to the other breathe - or in this case, David listened to June breathe, while she listened to the chaos on his end of the phone. It was unnerving, but she didn't voice it.

"I love you."

They whispered those words to each other until it was all over. Until there was nothing left.

June had been watching the live footage. She heard the commotion then the sudden cut of the phone line as she watched the Tower itself crumble to the floor like a perverted game of Janga, but the pieces falling in on themselves instead of to the side.

June held the phone to her chest, crushing her eyelids closed in a feeble attempt to block out the reality of this disaster - this nationwide disaster.

She'll miss him. She knew that much. Just as the nation will miss its peace.

"Always, David. Always," she whispered.



Ok never mind... I didn't find many mistakes and all I can say is the emotion is amazing and you're a really good writer )