A Risk Worth Taking

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Mon Sep 19, 2011 5:20 pm

A Risk Worth Taking

She hid in the shadows of the hut, watching the guards patrol out of sunken, sleep-deprived eyes.
Her head was shaved and she was naked; her ribs jutted out as if they would pierce her pale skin. She was like a skeleton and yet she was alive. And she was madly, desperately, intently focused on staying alive.
She knew what she was waiting for. It was all that she had thought about for months. She had planned this to the last dangerous detail.
A shrill whistle sounded. It was time to act. She moved the tiniest of steps forwards, and winced as if even that caused her ghostly body pain.
The guards were moving now; changing shifts. She knew that they would not be stupid enough to leave an area unguarded, even for a second, but she had chosen the weak spot.
Only one guard remained. She was shivering now, both from the cold and the realisation of the terrible, terrible risk of what she was about to do.
She pulled a metal object from behind her back. It glistened in the moonlight, causing her further fear that the guard might see her. It was a gun.
She raised it, her bony arm shaking, and aimed at the Nazi, standing just metres away from her. She knew that she only had one shot, and she had to be quick. The second shift of guards would be there soon, and they would find the man’s dead body.
Her knuckles showed through her skin as she gripped the trigger, hesitantly. She didn’t know how she had been reduced to this, a desperate murderer, hardly human. But she had to survive; she had to escape.
She pulled it back, the shot sounded! It whizzed through the air and hit him in the back. He fell forwards; dead.
She ran, hearing the foreign shouts of the other Nazis, feeling their bullets dangerously near to her naked body.
The wall was only fifty feet away, she was almost there…
So near and yet so far. A bullet grazed her ankle, knocking of skin and bone. The pain was unbearable and she felt as if she could not go on. But she had to! She had to!
She was panting as she dived at the stone wall. The cold stone grazed her bare skin, the barbed wire cut into her. She was dripping with blood after climbing only a metre.
The guards were upon her.
She would die now, but in her heart she knew it had been a risk worth taking.
For what was the difference between life and death, stuck here in this nightmare? What was the point of living when the enemy had turned her into an animal?
Even as they put the gun to her head and pulled back the trigger, she knew that it had been a risk worth taking.

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Mon Sep 19, 2011 7:03 pm

BluesClues says...

Hmm...

Okay.

First of all, this girl - or woman, or whoever - is emaciated. She's skin and bones, barely alive. I know there's something to be said for adrenaline, but still. She's able to raise a gun, fire a perfect shot (has she ever even handled a gun before? and shouldn't she have used something quieter, like a rock?), and climb halfway up a fence full of barbed wire in her current condition? I find that difficult to believe. I definitely agree that it was a risk worth taking - I mean, in the concentration camps you were tortured and then died, so if they catch you trying to escape and kill you outright then that's probably still better than staying at the camp, right? But I find the manner of it unbelievable, just because of her condition. Maybe if she hadn't been there too long and wasn't in quite such condition - and then I think you need to give her some gun-handling background, because I also find it difficult to believe that a first time shot (which this is, as far as I know) could be perfect like that. Dumb luck? Eh...

But your writing style is good. The only negative comment I have on that is the fact that you say "she knew it had been a risk worth taking" twice right at the end, which makes it sound repetitive. Also the exclamation point after "the shot sounded." This makes it sound like it's a surprise that the shot sounded. The shot sounding isn't the surprising part; the fact that she actually managed to kill the guard with one shot and no prior gun experience is surprising.

Hope this helps.

~Blue

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Mon Sep 19, 2011 10:11 pm

artsy says...

I have to agree with BlueAfrica. In her current condition, it seems very unbelievable that she is able to raise a gun, shoot perfectly without any side effects (i.e. ears ringing, hands tingling from vibrations, etc.), AND kill him. Perhaps is she were older and aggressive enough to steal others' food or have an outsider bring her more food, the actions would be more believable. I don't know about my suggestions, but small changes involving her past in the concentration camp could do more to the overall structure of the work.

A bullet grazed her ankle, knocking of skin and bone.

I did a double take and realized that of was supposed to be off. Other than that, nothing else grammatically, or at least nothing obvious.

Repetition of 'she knew it was a risk worth taking' doesn't work well at the end of the story. Suppose the end could be something like, "Wherever she went now would be better than here." or something to show that she was truly sick of the place.

Keep writing. :]

"You have brains in your head and feet in your shoes - you can steer yourself in any direction you choose!" - Dr. Seuss
~
Will Review For Food

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Points: 1593
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Thu Sep 22, 2011 7:15 pm

Burma86 says...

Okay, so this definitely is a powerful story. You are able to illustrate pain her pain and her desire to fight back against all odds. However, your story resembles a Tarantino action movie, which is not what the Holocaust was. I do believe that the premise of this short piece would do much better in another setting.

You might have been able to pull off the Holocaust setting if you had given your character more of a backstory. Not everybody knows what they did to prisoners in the concentration camps. How many family members did your character lose? How long had she been imprisoned? Without information like this, I did not care much about your main character. I realize this is a short story, but just a few sentences of backstory is good enough to make her (or him?) a character I could root for.

I realize my review has been mostly negative so far, so you should know that the writing in this piece is excellent. Your use of imagery is superb. Thanks for submitting this one! Great job!

"Perhaps it comes from next door."
"Penguins don't come from next door, they come from the antarctic!"
"BURMA!"
"Why'd you say burma?"
"I panicked."

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Fri Sep 23, 2011 6:52 pm

guineapiggirl says...

I was quite pleased to find I had reviews. Now, well, hmm... That's certainly not an overly pleasant way to start a review is it, BlueAfrica? I appreciate that you have, however, made some valid points. It is not plausible that she could shoot so easily, no, or that she would use a gun, or that she would climb a fence in her condition. However, I do believe that there is such a thing as dramatic license and that these points help with the story. This was never meant to be a factual piece. It is a sensation piece, if you like. The focus is around the risk, the danger and the excitement, not whether it really makes sense.
I have looked at what you mentioned about the double-use of 'she knew that it had been a risk worth taking'. This was a point that I was trying hard to get across; it is, in fact, the focus of the story. Thank you, artsy, for the point you made about the 'of' business. I will change that. Burma86, your review was, I felt, quite positive. It was certainly the most positive of the comments. I will think about giving her some more back-story. Any suggestions on who she could have been would be welcome...

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Tue Sep 27, 2011 12:03 am

Island6 says...

Great little story! You were good with the descriptions, I could picture it well in my head :]
I have agree with Burma, however. A bit of a back story would probably make this much more powerful. I'm kind of curious as to what happened to the character to make her take that big of a risk.
I wasn't bothered by the fact that what she did was very unlikely, because people can do crazy things when their life is at hand, and I accepted that as I was reading. However, I think that if the woman had missed the Nazi, it might make your story more believable for others who had a problem with the unlikelihood of it. I don't believe it would have changed anything in the story, so its just something to think about.

Anyways, great job and keep writing!

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Sat Oct 01, 2011 8:35 pm

StoryWeaver13 says...

As everybody's been saying, it would've been nice to have some back-story, possibly involving whether or not this was her first time handling a gun. Also possibly a glimpse at the kind of person that she had become in the camp (was she an aggressor or was she one of those who was really beaten to the ground, etc.) and who she was before this, just so we can connect with her a little more. While there are some relatively negative reviews of this piece, I must say that writing historical fiction is such a challenge, so just remember, we're not here to tear you down, it's all about the learning experience.

A couple positives. I like that it's short because it makes it more of a flash-fiction, and almost adds the feeling of adrenaline to it, so while I'd add a little more depth in a few areas I wouldn't say that it needs to be too long either. Personally I've always thought the Holocaust was interesting, so this piece definitely got my attention. And you got a lot of comments about "how would this be possible," but I've heard of more dramatic things happening in concentration camps; the desperation to survive brings out a lot of people. Actually, if you've ever read the novel "Night," (true story) there's one part where it talks about them being forced to run all night, and this is when the main character has a hurt foot. I don't think your story was too far-fetched.

Keep writing,
StoryWeaver

Reading is one form of escape. Running for your life is another. ~Lemony Snicket

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Points: 444
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Sat Oct 08, 2011 3:22 pm

Emmzziee says...

I just love this, Guineapiggirl, and although everybody's contest entries were truly fantastic, I think that you deserve first place in my contest

More than anybody else's, I found this one piece of writing to be my favorite. It was clear that this was set in the past, and I knew more than anything that this girl was terribly afraid and fighting for her life...
And you portrayed that well.

Well done!!!
I'll be back soon with your points... That I need to get o_O
Good luck
Emmzziee

I want to play a game.

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Points: 4271
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Tue Oct 11, 2011 11:27 pm

WelcomingException says...

A Risk Worth Taking

She hid in the shadows of the hut, watching the guards patrol out of sunken, sleep-deprived eyes. Great imagery but had to read this a couple times, I thought you were talking about the guards eyes at first till I realized it was that girls eyes

Her head was shaved and she was naked; her ribs jutted out as if they would pierce her pale skin. She was like a skeleton and yet she was alive. And she was madly, desperately, intently focused on staying alive. good imagery, I noticed your use of a similie, I think this is a bit extreme and disturbing but if thats the point you are trying to get across, then good job

She knew what she was waiting for. It was all that she had thought about for months. She had planned this to the last dangerous detail.

A shrill whistle sounded. It was time to act. She moved the tiniest of steps forwards, and winced as if even that caused her ghostly body pain.

The guards were moving now; changing shifts. She knew that they would not be stupid enough to leave an area unguarded, even for a second, but she had chosen the weak spot.good wording

Only one guard remained. She was shivering now, both from the cold and the realisation of the terrible, terrible risk of what she was about to do.

She pulled a metal object from behind her back. It glistened in the moonlight, causing her further fear that the guard might see her. It was a gun.

She raised it, her bony arm shaking, and aimed at the Nazi, standing just metres away from her. She knew that she only had one shot, and she had to be quick. The second shift of guards would be there soon, and they would find the man’s dead body.

Her knuckles showed through her skin as she gripped the trigger, hesitantly.I don't like this sentance... She didn’t know how she had been reduced to this, a desperate murderer, hardly human. But she had to survive; she had to escape. good way to end it, but fix the first part

She pulled it back, the shot sounded! It whizzed through the air and hit him in the back. He fell forwards; dead.

She ran, hearing the foreign shouts of the other Nazis, feeling their bullets dangerously near to her naked body.

The wall was only fifty feet away, she was almost there…

So near and yet so far. A bullet grazed her ankle, knocking of skin and bone. The pain was unbearable and she felt as if she could not go on. But she had to! She had to! to much emphasisim

She was panting as she dived at the stone wall. The cold stone grazed her bare skin, the barbed wire cut into her. She was dripping with blood after climbing only a metre.

The guards were upon her.

She would die now, but in her heart she knew it had been a risk worth taking.

For what was the difference between life and death, stuck here in this nightmare? What was the point of living when the enemy had turned her into an animal? I love the way you used the question, it adds so much to everything that has happened in the story already

Even as they put the gun to her head and pulled back the trigger, she knew that it had been a risk worth taking.I would get rid of the last line, or re-write it, your just repeating something that does not need to be reapeted

I really liked your Short Story, I am an enthusist on WWII since people in my family were effected by it, my family is gypsy, and to make it clear not only were Jews sent to concentration camps. Gypsies, and mentally ill people were as well. I really like how she wanted to keep fighting even once she knew it was all over, and how she had no regrets in the end.

Amazing story and never stop writting

What a Welcoming Exception *

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Points: 3549
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Sat Oct 15, 2011 5:47 am

Butterfly18 says...

Hi, guineapiggirl.

First of all, I liked this piece though a few things were a bit, left out, which I think gave this a hollow kind of feeling. We don't know what she's running from, except Nazi's, but our imaginations of what they were doing to her is in the place is can go anywhere really. Even if you don't tell us exactly what she's been through, hint at least.

Also, I don't know how she escaped enough of the place to be able to reach a wall where beyond, lays freedom. Had she thought it through beforehand, if she made it, what was she planning on doing, how was she gunna survive?
If she knew she wasn't going to survive though, why bother even running and pretending she'd make it? She could have just shot herself in the head with that gun she had.

That brings me to this,

guineapiggirl wrote: However, I do believe that there is such a thing as dramatic license and that these points help with the story. This was never meant to be a factual piece. It is a sensation piece, if you like. The focus is around the risk, the danger and the excitement, not whether it really makes sense.

You're writing has to make sense. The dramatic license you're talking about should be considered when things make an unexpected turn that ends up either predictable, or extremely unpredictable. If things don't make sense in a story, then its going to just be confusing.

This piece has a lot to it. I assume she's been medically experimented on, I dunno, just what I imagine. But other people imagine different things, which is why you need to make sure you hint at it, if not make it clear. Also, I'm not given anything to relate to, to get to know her, to feel for her.

So like just a suggestion, two things you could add that would make this instantly better:

Backstory: She'd been here for three years, and in that time watched her parents and siblings die.
This propels her purpose and her determination further than what you have at the moment. We can tell she's depserate to take this risk, but you don't give a reason why, also, I can relate to family, and instantly feel for her.

Reason she's there: Let's take my assumption about medical experiments, which you could hint at by this,
She gritted her teeth, pulling the I.V from her arm, and the cords from the back of her head.
Only one sentence could give this story a lot of guts. From this, we could imagine so much else to go with this, that you wouldn't need to elaborate.

She's been there for three years, her family have all died there, and she's been medically experimented on, plus she's amaciated so been treated extremely poorly and the testing taken a toll. So we sympathise for a number of reasons, and her reason for taking the risk in the first place is so much stronger.

Hope this helps. Feel free to disregard whatever I said though, if you don't agree.

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