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Young Writers Society


Prisoner



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Gender: Female
Points: 891
Reviews: 24
Tue Sep 20, 2011 12:41 am
DaughterofEvil says...



"The Prisoner"


At one time, at a certain place, I fell in love with a beautiful girl who lived beyond the fence.
Robbed of freedom, by their hands I suffer persecution.
Apparently there is a difference between she and I. They say I'm nothing but a rat.

Still, we wrote letters, folding paper airplanes in order to send them over the wall to each other.
And I treasured every single one.
Ah, I said that I'd be free and live happily with you one day.

Even though I knew that was a lie.

Whether what I said was a lie or not, when I was with you, I felt that it all could come true.
And yet, I could never convey the thought that burned in me so strongly:

"Come over here and speak with me."

However, just looking at you was always my small happiness for tomorrow. Even as I toiled and saw hunger and death all around me, for many days and months, your paper airplanes had been my one true joy.

One day, you suddenly informed me that you were going far away. As I stood watching you, all I could mutter was

"Farewell."

Ah, now that we've parted, I'm in agony. There hasn't been a day in my life until today where I've cried this much. If I had you near me, whatever those men had planned for me, I felt that I could have a smile on my face. I met you, whose name I don't even know, and felt that the future would be bright.

I can't call out to you, chase after you, or even leave. I'm unable to. We all are, in this wretched place.

Finally, my time has come.
Even though I have committed no sins in this world, they are still sending me to die. You're gone now and my heart is screaming. Why is that?

I wanted to live just a little more.
I have no hard feelings, but in the end...

"I want to see you"

The days I spent with you won't return. What you gave me, one by one, became the sustenance for me to live.
We lived in the same world, yet we were different.
Yet, I desperately stretched out my hand....

"Please, if this is the end....let me speak with that girl."


In a small dark room, my pained voice resounds among hundreds of screams.
My chest is in pain, but still...

"I would've liked to at least have known your name........"
  





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413 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 11009
Reviews: 413
Wed Sep 21, 2011 10:59 pm
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Cailey says...



First off, I don't like your formatting, it makes the whole piece feel chopped up and broken. And maybe that is what you're going for, but it's still kind of annoying. Also, this could use some more emotion. It has enough, but would be better if there was more. Also, how did he meet the girl? If he's a jew, and she's a free german, how did they meet in the first place? And if they write letters, why couldn't they write their names? Otherwise, this was sweet and sad, and I couldn't find any spelling or grammar mistakes. :) So good job and Keep writing!
A non-writing writer is a monster courting insanity. -Kafka

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35 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 2784
Reviews: 35
Thu Sep 22, 2011 1:05 am
creativemuse1 says...



This was pretty good. There are a few mistakes.
1) You switched from I and her to I and you.
At one time, at a certain place, I fell in love with a beautiful girl who lived beyond the fence.
Robbed of freedom, by their hands I suffer persecution.
Apparently there is a difference between she and I. They say I'm nothing but a rat.

Still, we wrote letters, folding paper airplanes in order to send them over the wall to each other.
And I treasured every single one.
Ah, I said that I'd be free and live happily with you one day.

2)
"I want to see you"
Who is the main character talking to? Be more specific.
3)This seems like a poem you are writng. I am not saying this is bad. Just saying.
4)Show us his feelings, don't tell us. Give more descriptions. Give more feelings to it.
5)What is the story about? The user before said that it is about a Jewish man in a camp and a free German. I see that they are in love but what is the historical part?

Other than that it is good.
:)Life is full of hard times and good times. Lift your chin up, Ladies and Gentlemen.
  





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33 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 882
Reviews: 33
Sat Sep 24, 2011 5:13 pm
RenGrey says...



I liked it though it seemed a little broken up the way you had the formatting of the lines. Very good all the way though. I t was like I could feel your pain. A little more physical description of the people though
A Balanced Diet Is A Cookie In Each Hand
  





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54 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 4271
Reviews: 54
Tue Oct 11, 2011 11:37 pm
WelcomingException says...



At one time, at a certain place, I fell in love with a beautiful girl who lived just beyond the fence.

Robbed of freedom, by their hands I suffer persecution.

Apparently there is a difference between she and I. They say I'm nothing but a ratdo you mean he is the rat or she? is he the prisoner or she?.

Still, we wrote letters, folding paper airplanes in order to send them over the wall to each other. cute :3

And I treasured every single one.

Ah, I said that I'd be free and live happily with you one day.

Even though I knew that was a lie.

Whether what I said was a lie or not, when I was with you, I felt that it all could come true.

And yet, I could never convey the thought that burned in me so strongly:

"Come over here and speak with me."

However, just looking at you was always my small happiness for tomorrow. Even as I toiled and saw hunger and death all around me, for many days and months, your paper airplanes had been my one true joy.

One day, you suddenly informed me that you were going far away. As I stood watching you, all I could mutter was you chnaged from "she" to "you" this will really mess up a story, if it is written as a letter, keep it that way,if it is written in first person keep it that way!

"Farewell."

Ah, now that we've parted, I'm in agony. There hasn't been a day in my life until today where I've cried this much. If I had you near me, whatever those men had planned for me, I felt that I could have a smile on my face. I met you, whose name I don't even know, and felt that the future would be bright.

I can't call out to you, chase after you, or even leave. I'm unable to. We all are, in this wretched place.

Finally, my time has come.

Even though I have committed no sins in this world, they are still sending me to die. You're gone now and my heart is screaming. Why is that? most people in camps if that is what you are talking about, Concentration camps, they didn't know they were going to die, that was news to them...

I wanted to live just a little more.

I have no hard feelings, but in the end...

"I want to see you"

The days I spent with you won't return. What you gave me, one by one, became the sustenance for me to live.

We lived in the same world, yet we were different.

Yet, I desperately stretched out my hand....

"Please, if this is the end....let me speak with that girl."



In a small dark room, my pained voice resounds among hundreds of screams.

My chest is in pain, but still...

"I would've liked to at least have known your name........"


It was a sad and touching story, very cute in some parts and made me tear up in others. You need to specify better, how was the prisoner, I thought at first that she was, but later relized he was the prisoner. I also didn't know why he was in the camp, I assumed that it was during WWII and he was in a concentration camp...

It was a really nice and touching stroy, keep up the good work, and never stop writing :D
What a Welcoming Exception *
  





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18 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 1193
Reviews: 18
Thu Oct 13, 2011 12:49 am
Disenchanted says...



I'm just wondering, is this song based on the Vocaloid songs Prisoner and Paper Planes? If so, I can imagine Len and Rin quite vividly. I like the way you portayed the story and I feel bad for the boy. Just like the previous comments, the formatting was a bit weird, goving me the feeling that there was something missing in the storyline when there actually wasn't. Other than that, the story was good. Good job!
"Happiness can be found in the darkest of times, if only one remembers to turn on the light."
"Everything will be okay in the end. If it's not okay... It's not the end."
  





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Points: 982
Reviews: 6
Fri Oct 14, 2011 1:41 am
Adderstreaks says...



As some may have previously mentioned, this piece greatly reminded me of a Vocaloid song I've hear before. Nevertheless, I love how you [possibly] turned the song into a great short story. You really bring out the "Prisoner's" voice and thoughts on the matters and obstacles he had to face. I also found the formatting a bit odd, but unique all the same.
  





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Wed Nov 02, 2011 8:09 am
Scout says...



Hey I don't understand the story line at all, who is this person? Where are they? How old is this person?

:)
  





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Points: 11017
Reviews: 179
Fri Dec 16, 2011 7:26 pm
guineapiggirl says...



There is a novel with the same basis called 'The Boy In The Striped Pyjamas'. I don't know if you know of it or not, but I imagine you do. Admittantly that book is about six-year-olds and this is about people falling in love. You do have quite good writing skill though, so keep up the good work and find some original ideas!
P.S. If you don't know of 'The Boy In The Striped Pyjamas' then I'm sorry for presuming such, and think this is a very good piece of work. You might enjoy the book... the authour is called John Boyne.
  





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Points: 1536
Reviews: 20
Fri Jan 13, 2012 3:39 pm
tanya98 says...



I really liked your story, I think I've read a story somewhat based on this. Your formatting chipped off the effect of story. The space that you left didn't so much for you. It was useless leaving the gap after every paragraph. Otherwise it was a really good story .

-Tanya / tanya98
It's not gravity that's tying you to the earth but that one person - Jacob Black
  








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