Young Writers Society

At some time, at some place in this immiscible world, what mixed up our two hapless worlds together was a single paper plane. I slipped out of the hospital everyday to see you where my dad works, and it meant the world to me. Reading your words warmed my heart and made me blush. So, this is what people call love... But why did my father say so furiously that I must not see you? I don't understand a word he's telling me, because all I need is for you to exist. That's meaningful enough. What's so wrong with the love we share?

In this room where light never enters, the thought of a future with you made it shine. Yet day by day, the number of tubes on me increases. It's hard to hear sounds, and I can't walk like I used to. If I won't leave this place alive, then I must see you just one more time. Because I didn't want you to worry about me, I ran. Saying goodbye to you in one last paper plane, with all my love...I shouldn't let you see my tears. But then, I heard you shouting to me:

"I'll be waiting for you until you come back! I'll keep and treasure the letters, so then I can see you again! Right...?"


A few months have passed since then, and I can't move at all. I guess my last moment is coming soon...When I said goodbye to you I shouldn't have pretended to be strong, but now it's too late. I still want to see you smiling somewhere. "I want to see you, just one more time...I want to see you..."

A flower without light is doomed to die. Only your letters gave me the light I needed, but my eyes are so blurred I can no longer read them. I hear cold sounds resounding in this lonely room... "Please, if this is my last moment, let me go to where he is."

(Because you were there, the two of us could always smile. Deep darkness split us apart, but now it has brought us back together again. In this great grassy field without a fence, the two of us can smile. You know where we'll be...)

Hi there!

You have posted this in the "Historical Fiction" section. The story is obviously about love. I'm trying to get my mind around the basis of this being historical? Is this from an experience you've had?

Anyway, I liked this. But I think it could use a few touch ups. I like the way you've described the letters as 'paper planes." Really got me in.

However, call me heartless, but I don't feel the emotion your trying to convey. This could be just me though. I'd suggest some more description, particularly about your narrator's struggle with her 'injury.'

~ T.K

A flower without light is doomed to die. Only your letters gave me the light I needed, but my eyes are so blurred I can no longer read them. I hear cold sounds resounding in this lonely room... "Please, if this is my last moment, let me go to where he is."

Just to say, I got a little confused with this part because I thought you were in a guy's pov. Do you mean she?

But it is good. I'd say you are showing instead of telling the readers the feelings but you still need to improve it. Give more feelings like body language, more thinking, facial expressions, feelings, and their surroundings. You still need to put historical contents in the story in order for it to be historical fiction or else it would belong in the romance short stories. Sorry for being a bit harsh.

Hello,

Let's begin shall we.

DaughterofEvil wrote:At some time, at some place in this immiscible world, what mixed up our two hapless worlds togetherwas a single paper plane.

Not the greatest way to begin the tail. The syntax is all off and it really isn't that intriguing, doesn't earn a gold star just yet!

I slipped out of the hospital everyday to see you where my dad works, and it meant the world to me.

This is very wishy-washy and again the syntax is off. You should break this up into two sentences. Or find another way to mention the narrator's father works at the hospital, it's hamhandedly forced in there. Something like,

And when I visited my father at work...

Something like that would be a little more natural.

But why did my father say so furiously that I must not see you?

Furiously doesn't work, and you just tell us when you should show us.

So why did my father's eyes grow wide and fierce and his hands quaked when I told him of our love?

See, we get an image of a man furious, rather than you just telling us he was.

Yet day by day, the number of tubes on me increases.

Find a better way to exhibit your narrator diminishing health.

More Tubes ≠ Less healthy.

A few months have passed since then, and I can't move at all.

There is a better way to show a time lapse. Use *** or possibly just say:

Now, months on, I can no longer move from my hard bed.

Okay now for the big things.

Character

The character is pretty good, described in full and in this position it is hard not to feel something. So you did evoke a little bit of a reaction with me, though considering the subject matter it could be much stronger.
But how?
Make your characters more relatable, give your MC a hobby, a life. Make her whole, that is to say, make her scared and fearful, describe how she cries at night and how she wishes she had more time.

Plot

Not a bad plot, though nothing really happens. You would do well to make the narrative progress a little smother. Remove the parts that don't contribute and make the time lapse softer, not so jarring. You also should really decide what the theme is and stick to it firmly. Love conquers all or love never dies? but then the added detail about the father's disapproval seemed to take it in a different direction completely. Part of me was expecting the narrator to up and leave the hospital bed in the face of death, to escape the clutches and confines of such a morbid depressing place. Be at peace at her departure. But no such conclusion came, instead a gift wrapped lovely little poetic ending came. It wasn't that satisfying, but part of that was because you failed to really set it up. The plot doesn't have an ending because it doesn't have a beginning, or a middle, just a series of related events without conflict or resolution. I mean there is conflict with the father, but it isn't played upon or resolved. It's just an aspect that in hindsight isn't entirely necessary as it only contributes an ounce of character and not much to the theme itself. Anyway I am getting ranty now.

Hope all this helps and if you have any questions PM me. This was pretty good and you have a knack for hitting the sensitive/subtle notes.

JP

I really really like this!!!!

Any changes i make (suggest) will be in the freaking beast color blue!!!


At some time, at some place in this immiscible world, what mixed up our two hapless worlds together was a single paper plane. I slipped out of the hospital everyday to see you where my dad works; it meant the world to me. Reading your words warmed my heart and made me blush.I guess this is what people call love... But why did my father say so furiously that I must not see you? I don't understand a word he's telling me, because all I need is for you to exist. That's meaningful enough. What's so wrong with the love we share?

In this room where light never enters, the thought of a future with you made it shine. Yet day by day, the number of tubes on me increases. It's hard to hear sounds, and I can't walk like I used to. If I won't leave this place alive, then I must see you just one more time. Because I didn't want you to worry about me, I ran. Saying goodbye to you in one last paper plane, with all my love...I shouldn't let you see my tears. But then, I heard you shouting to me:

"I'll be waiting for you until you come back! I'll keep and treasure the letters, so then I can see you again! Right...?"



A few months have passed since then, and I can't move at all. I guess my last moment of life are coming soon...When I said goodbye to you I shouldn't have pretended to be strong, but now it's too late. I still want to see you smiling somewhere. "I want to see you, just one more time...I want to see you..."

A flower without light is doomed to die. Only your letters gave me the light I needed, but my eyes are so blurred I can no longer read them. I hear cold sounds resounding in this lonely room... "Please, if this is my last moment, let me go to where he is."

(Because you were there, the two of us could always smile. Deep darkness split us apart, but now it has brought us back together again. In this great grassy field without a fence, the two of us can smile. You know where we'll be...)


This very good but it should be in the romance section not the historical fiction