Young Writers Society

“Oh. Oh God!” The man said.
“He’s dead, forget him!” I yelled.
“We shouldn’t even be here!” The man said nervously
He ran for it and the bullet when right into his head. I was alone. Nothing else to protect me but my Chicago Piano which had written the cops blood all over the wall. Artistic in a way. I busted through the door and killed the two mobsters. There was one room to go. I busted in and fired a warning shot. There was only one person in there. Some woman named Kelly as her name tag said.
“What do you have to do with this” I yelled.
“I don’t know” She said calmly.
“You’re obviously lying miss”
“Your obviously right, Sherlock.”
“Hey! Do you want me to knock your face in!?"
“I’d rather eliminate you as a competitor” She said slyly.
“ Wait, what?”
I quickly learned what she was talking about when she pulled out a gun. I Knocked it out of her hand and shot her.
I opened the door to my house with the white walls. I threw my gun on the table. There is a note on the floor along with 50 bucks. i picked it up and the words shocked me.
Dear Shalley
I know that you may be surprised but I'm leaving. It hurts to much to tell you why in a letter. If you call me we can work it out. I left the 50 dollars you gave to me. The dog was sent to a shelter. I'm warning you though, the nex-
And that was it. The rest of the note was gone. Not ripped or anything. Just pure blank, nothing but white. It was unnatural. And also, Shirley and I had a tight bond, what could make her leave? She did always complain about me coming home late every night. I figured by now she would know what I do.
I walked over to the sideboard and picked up the phone.
"Hello, Operator?" I said
"Yes?" She responded.
"Can you connect me to a Shirley Sortle."
"Please hold."
After a long pause she finally responded
" There seems to be no person in Chicago named Shirley Sortle "
"That excruciating-!" I yelled before a knock came to my door. I silently walked over to the door and looked through the peephole. It was the cops.

I think that you need to slow down and take the time and draw a picture when you write. You jump from place to place as if we knew what was going on. Don't get me wrong it's good to keep the people wondering but i think that you need to use your five senses a little more in the writing. Other than that it looks like it would be a good story.

sugarweregoingdown wrote:"That excruciating-!"

I don't actually think that's used in the right context. Just saying.

Hey there!

I'm guessing that, from your custom title and name, you're a Fall Out Boy fan? *High fives* They're awesome

On to the review. There sure is a lot of action. In fact, there's almost too much action. You jump from scene to scene so rapidly that it's hard for the reader to keep up with what's going on. I agree with the other reviewer in that you need to slow it down a bit. Take your time. Describe the scene using the five senses. You've told us the first room has blood on the walls. Describe what it looks like. 'Red splatters mingling with the peeling wall paper.' It's a lame example, but you get the point. It's enables the reader to picture what's going on. Also, what does the room smell like? Death? Feel like? Is the atmosphere tense? What can the MC hear? Gun shots? I'm not trying to patronise you, rather give you suggestions on how you can build the story up a bit. Of course, you don't have to do this for every single scene, but every now and again it would be nice to get a clearer picture.

I know this is only part one, and it's really short, but I feel like we need more background to the story. Why are the cops dead? Why is he running? Who's the lady in the room who he shoots? You don't have to answer all of the questions in this part, but answering at least one of them will help the reader to understand what's going on.

Overall, slow the pace down and describe to paint a clearer picture to your readers.

I hope this helps!

xDudettex