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Gravedigger



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Mon Oct 24, 2011 1:23 am
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confetti says...



Spoiler! :
Reviews would be much appreciated! I would love to know if you understood the idea behind it, I'm not sure if I made it clear enough, but I wanted it to be subtle. Thanks!



Gravedigger

Arthur M. Russo – that’s what the tombstone read. The M resembled more of a V, and had I not known of the man, I wouldn’t have paid it much mind.
Nevertheless, my shovel dug into the cold earth again and again, until I heard a distinct wooden thud. Beads of sweat were beginning to form above my brow and at the back of my neck. It found it odd that I could be sweating on such a cool night. My arms ached as I continued with my work, but I didn’t dare stop. I needed this to be done before dawn.

The moon was casting an eerie glow by the time I pulled Arthur’s casket from the ground. It was a sturdy case - must have been mahogany. I knew that Arthur had been a rich man during his life, so why wouldn’t he spend a hefty amount on his death?

I stared down at the casket nervously. Opening it was what I was least looking forward to. I wasn’t sure if the body would be horribly decomposed or properly preserved. With a shaky breath, I raised the lid. Arthur was lying in a striking black suit and deep navy blue tie. To my relief, he wasn’t falling apart. He had only been buried a day ago, but his skin was already beginning to turn to mush like dough that’s had too much water added.

I took my gardening gloves from my coat pockets and slipped them onto my calloused hands. I have never touched a dead body directly and I didn’t plan on changing that tonight. Even the thought of it gave me chills. Arthur was stiff to the touch and I grunted as I struggled to lift him from his casket. Heavy bugger, he was.

It would have been easier to do this with another person, but I couldn’t afford to split the pay. I had a wife and two children to feed, and our bakery wasn’t bringing in the amount of customers that it used to. Margret was working so hard, too. It broke my heart. The money I would get from this job would be enough to pay for my family for months to come. It was the only thing that kept me going.
With images of my children’s faces swimming in my mind, I hauled Arthur into the sack I had brought. I’d underestimated how hard it was going to be to bring him back into town. The cemetery was at the edge of Florence and I knew that it was going to be a long, frightful walk back into town.

In a rush, for fear of being caught, I dropped the casket back into the earth, followed by my shovel. It wasn’t really mine; I had borrowed it from a neighbour. Well, I suppose “borrowed” isn’t really the correct word. I took it the night before, when he wasn’t home. I didn’t own a shovel; why would a baker need one?
Thankful for the muscles that had developed from years of hauling large bags of flour, I tossed the bag over my back and carried Arthur out of the cemetery with a bit more ease than I had expected. I took the long route through the mostly deserted streets. I didn’t want to get caught - I knew the sentence I would face if I were, and it wasn’t pretty.

I let myself become distracted as I made my way along brick walls, occasionally shifting the dead body on my shoulder when my muscles began to ache. The man who’d assigned me the job had never mentioned his name. Last Tuesday, he had walked into the bakery when we were about to close up shop. The only thing I could clearly remember about him was the kindness in his eyes. When he’d asked me if I’d like to do a job for him, I hadn’t expected this. After all, what sort of man walks into a bakery late at night and offers a grave-digging job? The thought made me chuckle aloud, but I quickly silenced myself and continued to move silently. I was almost there.

“Signor Oliver?” The voice made me stop dead in my tracks. Arthur slipped from my shoulders, hitting the stoned ground with a heavy thud. Wide eyed, I turned to meet eyes with an elderly woman. She held a walking stick in one hand and the other clutched to the fabric of her torn dress. Like my own clothes, her dress was covered in a layer of grime. The dress might have been purple when she bought it, or maybe it had been red, but now it was more of a dirt-brown.

I smiled gently at her. “Signora Ricci, what are you doing out at a time like this?”

“I should be asking you the same thing,” she said sharply, adjusting her dress with her free hand.

Signora Ricci had been coming to the bakery for years now. I considered her to be one of my family’s dearest friends, but I don’t think she was very fond of me. Although I’ve never been that fond of her either, she looked after my children sometimes when the shop was busy, and that’s all I could ever ask for. I didn’t like her, but I respected her.

I leaned down to grab the bag that accompanied Arthur. “Oh you know, just picking up some supplies,” I said lightly.

She nodded, bringing me some relief. She believed me. “Have a good night, Signor Oliver,” she muttered, turning on her heels and trudging back towards her home.

“You too,” I called back, waving with one hand and clutching my bag in the other.

Her walking stick made a rhythmic clang against the pavement, which echoed down the darkly lit streets. I patiently waited until she closed the door before I continued. Close call.

I only had to travel for a few more minutes before I reached the house that I recognized as his (whoever he was). The house was well kept - it looked much better than my own. When I reached the door, I dropped Arthur and rubbed my aching shoulder. There’s only so much a man my age can take. I wasn’t built for carrying dead bodies on my shoulders at midnight.

With a shaky breath, I knocked lightly on the wooden door. The silence that followed was much too long and I found myself wondering if I had come to the right house. My eyes darted around on the lawn until I saw a statue of an angel with one of its wings missing. I had noticed that when he’d brought me there earlier.

The door opened with a high-pitched creak and the man I met with earlier stepped out from behind it. “Signor Oliver, I was afraid you weren’t going to make it,” he said quietly. “Please, do come inside.” His eyes fell to the bagged body lying at my feet and he grinned a grin that sent a shiver though my veins. “And bring your friend,” he added before turning and walking back into his house, chuckling lightly as he did so.

Reluctantly, I lifted Arthur and followed the man inside the house and down a long hallway. Aside from the bits of moonlight that streamed in from the back windows, there was no light to guide me through the maze of furniture and what must have been piles of books.

“Where would you like me to put him?” I asked, trying to mask the nervous tone in my voice.

The man stopped outside of a door at the end of the hall. “In this room would be fine.”

He reached inside of his pants’ pockets, hands shifting around, searching. The hand from his right pocket came out empty, but in his left he held an object that reflected bits of light that had filtered in through the windows. My eyebrows furrowed together as I watched him bring it towards the door. With a click and a turn, the door flew open. Of course, it was a key. The night was turning my logic into mush.

I peered into the room as the man flicked on the lonely light that hung from the low ceiling. I didn’t expect to see what I did, nor did I expect the force of the smell that hit me. My hand flew to my face, covering my nose. I’d never smelt something so rotten in my entire life.

The man looked at me expectantly. “Well, come on then, let’s not waste time.”
I nodded, swallowing back the cold lump that had formed in my throat and took a step into the room. Then another. I had never seen anything like what I saw that night. There had to have been at least six different tables with six different dead bodies accompanying them. The first and second tables both had women, sliced down the middle. God-knows-what was falling from them and juices dripped to the bloodstained floor. It was enough to make my stomach churn and tighten.
My hand flew to my chest, up, down, left, right, forming an invisible cross. I didn’t dare speak; I didn’t want to end up like those people.

“Set him on the empty table over there, please,” the man said from across the room. He was standing in between the two gnarled girls, stroking the hair on his chin thoughtfully. I did as he asked in a hurry. I wanted more than anything to leave.

“Is that all?” I asked, glancing at the man hopefully. What had I gotten myself into?

The man nodded. “You don’t have to look so nervous, it’s merely science. Yes, you are free to leave. Thank you.”

“And my pay, sir?”

“Oh, yes, of course, I nearly forgot.”

My head felt fuzzy as he handed me a bag filled with coins. I stuffed it into my coat pockets, muttering a thank you.

“Let me walk you out,” he said. I nodded, letting him lead me out of the room and back through the dark corridors.

As we reached the front door, I turned to him. “I didn’t catch your name.”

He smiled, gently pushing on my shoulder blades until I was embraced by night’s crisp air. “You may call me Leonardo. Goodnight, Signor Oliver.”

“Goodnight.”
Last edited by confetti on Mon Jan 16, 2012 11:34 pm, edited 3 times in total.
"So the writer who breeds more words than he needs, is making a chore for the reader who reads."
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Tue Oct 25, 2011 3:40 pm
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feodora says...



Haha, this was lovely. I got your message very well, and I have to say the story was quite well written.

Why I liked it:
One, good grammar and spelling. I only noticed a 'creek' instead of 'creak'. Everything else was quite good (though I have to admit I wasn't searching for errors.)
Two, brilliant description. We don't know everything about Oliver, but we know he's a baker, and what he's doing, and why he's doing it. Very well done. No over-description, as far as I could see. And no info dumping.
Three, that was something quite clever you did there, ma'am. You efficiently turned a gory story into a quite different one, and I have to say it made me smile.

Well done, and keep writing!

P.S. We all love da Vinci. ^^
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Wed Oct 26, 2011 4:08 pm
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Twit says...



Hello confetti! Thanks for requesting a review, and sorry it’s taken me a while to get round to it... Uni is, as ever, a pig.

I think, maybe, your subtlety was... too subtle. XD By that I mean, if feodora hadn’t mentioned Da Vinci, I probably wouldn’t have twigged who the mysterious customer was. I know you mentioned it was in Florence, but it didn’t really seem like it from the descriptions. Nothing stood out as Italian or foreign; your descriptions could have been of anywhere. You have “Mister” and “Mrs” and Arthur M. Wallace, Ms Wells. None of those names sound even slightly Italian, and the way the names read made me think more of modern day England or America. There was no sense of time, either. You mention hauling sacks of flour, but that could mean anything—my dad used to have a job in a mill hauling sacks of flour.

Unless... this is meant to be set in modern day, and Leonardo has somehow skipped the space/time continuum? If that is the case, then you don’t need to explain the details, but you do need to specify a time period, otherwise I don’t really know how to judge the story.

Similarly, I felt that your character was a bit vague. I’ve been writing stuff recently about grave-robbing and dealing with dead bodies, and the thing that everyone who has read it has said is that the emotions and moral whatsits need to be clear, so I’m going to pass that wise advice on. ^_^ You have a guy, Mr Oliver (shouldn’t he be Signor Oliver or something?), who has just dug up his friend’s body for mysterious purposes, all because some guy came into his shop and offered him money. I get that he needs the money and all, but grave-robbing is a serious business. Quite apart from him getting caught, there’s the moral and ethical ramifications, and Oliver ignores all that. He never once stops to think, “Is it worth it? Desecrating my friend’s grave and manhandling his body through the streets to some guy who might be anything from a creepy guy who likes playing with dead people to a magistrate working undercover to try and trap people like me with no morals?”

He needs to consider all this so your readers know that you have considered it as well.

PM me if you have any questions, or if I wasn’t clear on anything. :D


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Wed Dec 14, 2011 7:51 am
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AlfredSymon says...



Hooray! It's time for a celebration! Bring out the confetti! No pun intended...

The reason for this is that I simply love your story!

The history, the plot, the coldness, the fear, the scare, the drama, the peace, the silence; everything's brilliant! Exceptional spelling and grammar too.

In your story, the first character, let's just say you for a moment, talks somberly. Eerie and raspy in a way. One of the other things I like is the seriousness of the story. Additionally, I simply adore your creative and clear vision of things. You added enough sensory images for us readers to understand it well. Fantastic work! :)

There are no grammatical flaws actually. The only thing that I want you to take in mind is that I'd have the characters more imaged. The story seems to lack a bit more information about your characters. But that's only my opinion though! No big deal! Just think about it.

That's all! Thanks for the good read! :)
Al
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Wed Jan 04, 2012 7:27 pm
guineapiggirl says...



Hello!
I enjoyed reading this. The description was good, as was the idea.
I think Leonardo's pretty cool, and thought it was quite interesting to do a story about the illegal things he was doing and the views at the time on them.
The grammar and spelling made me very happy :) It was pretty much perfect.
I wasn't quite sure about the time it was in until the end. He could be an almost modern day baker. I think it would be good if you added in some references to the time, and also to the place (other than saying it is in Florence).
I was able to figure out it was Leonardo Da Vinci because I know about him, but if I didn't realise that it would still have been a great read.
Keep writing!
  





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Thu Jan 12, 2012 12:30 am
Carina says...



review #11 - team yellow
Hi! Thought I'd drop by and review.
Actually (and shamefully), I did not get the da Vinci reference until I looked at the reviews. But don't worry, I learned squat about him, so it's most likely just me.
That's alright, though; this story is still really good.

Anyways, on to the highlights:

• Like the other reviewers, I'll have to say that this story is pretty much flawless in grammar and mechanics. There were a few things I caught (I included them below in the nitpicks), but other than that, the story flowed really good. Good job!
• I'm loving your writing style. Without revealing too much, the reader (me) knows what the this Oliver dude does, why he's doing it, and how he's feeling. Your sentences flow really well, and your transitions are outstanding. :)
• Perhaps your could do a little more about what Oliver is thinking. Your story is fine as it is, but you could add more and make it better by adding more detail/thought into his actions. So he took this weird, scary dead guy out of grave, right? Then he put him in a bag and sneaked into town but was seen, huh? And this was all done hoping he'd get paid by some random, creepy dude that he doesn't even know the name of, right? Well, how's he feeling? Surely he's more than scared, especially if all he's ever done in is life is bake.
• This kind of goes with the bullet above, but try to incorporate sensory words into things your describing. I know you did this is some places, but it doesn't hurt to keep going at it. Didn't Arthur smell when he was out? Did the bag get more slippery and heavy in each passing second? Did he hear any scuffling feet when he walked into town? Crickets? Faraway voices? His heartbeat? Footsteps? Could he smell Arthur? etc. Remember the five senses: smell, sight, sound, taste, and feel.
• Also with the above bullet: I felt like puking when I read the part about the chopped-in-half women. Gross, I know, but hey, that means the mental image really got into the reader's mind. Good job! (On second thought...maybe that's not so good...)
• Be careful with your senses. I noticed some slips to changing from present to past, from past to present. Don't' worry, everyone does it - even me. It takes a lot of practice to master it.

Nitpicks.
I wasn’t sure if the body would be horrible decomposed or properly preserved.
I think you meant "horribly."

I had a wife and two children to feed, and our bakery wasn’t bringing in the amount of customers that it used to.

The money I would get from this job would be enough to pay my family for a month and then some.
Awkward.

I didn’t own a shovel, why would a baker need one?
Comma should either be a period or a semi-colon.

I patiently waited until she was inside and her door was shut before I continued.
Sentence is kind of awkward to read.

Whoever he was. The house was well kept. It looked much better than my own.
These sentences are short and choppy. It doesn't seem to match your voice so well.

My hand flew to my chest, up, down, left, right, forming an invisible cross

“Set him on the empty table over there, please,” the man said from across the room.

Goodnight, Signor Oliver.



Yep, that's it. Again, I love your writing style. In fact, drop me a message if you wrote something new; I'd love to read it.
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