Eleven years old just about to start secondary school, every child's most terrifying and at the same time exciting experience. But for me not only did i have that to deal with, i had a stepfather that preyed on me. From then until i was 17 i was sexually abused and mentally tortured, every-time mum went to work, i started breathing deeply and got those butterflies in my stomach at the thought of being alone with that fat disgusting piece of scum! The first time it happened he pretended to tickle me, but he went to far and reached up and cupped my breasts. I tried to scream but froze at the shock that this was happening, it couldn't- could it?! After he said SORRY- which was a word i heard often but never believed. He said dont tell your mum, she would be really angry with me, and i love my kids so i can't be without them. But somehow i got the courage to tell her....but as i spoke i knew she didn't believe what i was saying. She kept it to herself, but it happened again and then other things developed, the sick taunts about my body and wanted me to wear low-cut tops. Coming up behind me and touching me. I just wanted to kill him, but you lose all the feeling within your body. you can't move. As time went on mum had it out with him and got a confession from him, but she never kicked him out. She carried on as normal, but watching from the outside. From then it got worse, he planted a camera in my room to record me changing from getting out from the shower. He put a hole in the ceiling in the bathroom, so he could get in the loft and look through it when i was in the shower.....
Last edited by StAcEy88 on Tue Nov 08, 2011 5:15 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Hi there. I think this would be more appropriate as a blog entry... simply because you seem to be venting rather than really thinking about what you're writing. There's nothing wrong with that at all of course, every needs to do that sometimes. Anyway, if this is true... I'm really really sorry. Thats hard to deal with... I dont know what you rated this.. but since its such explicit matter, I'd definitely rate it sixteen or even eighteen plus. I just had to do that with one of my recent pieces. But welcome to YWS. Everyone here is really helpful and I've learned a lot from my time here. They're really helped improve my writing. Good luck.
First off, welcome to YWS! Feel free to ask me anything if you need help. ^_^
This topic your bringing us is one disgusting topic.. but no, no, no... don't get me wrong. Your writing is lovely, and it's interesting. But every person like your character, with no morals, should get a heart attack. Phew... I feel better now. Sorry, had to say it.
That distracted me. xD But let's get to reviewing now. Hahah. Even though your writing style is catchy, you're rushing the story. And I really wanted to see more. :\
There are three things I recommend you for this to be better:
1) Give us more description. 2) Write more about the character's feeling (for us to get to know her better). 3) And give us more dialog.
Those three things will make the reader get hooked into the story, it will make our blood boil inside our veins, literally (considering the topic), and it will make the reader grow fond of your main character<3 It doesn't matter if you finish and it turns out to be 50,000 words long. xD
Also, remember that all I's should be uppercase when you use them as pronouns.
Keep writing!!
~Solly<3
Noob is a state of being, not a length of time. ~Ego
"Serás del tamaño de tus pensamientos; no te permitas fracasar."
Hi there, Geelyria. What you have written makes me think that you think it's fiction, it's not it based on me and it did happen. So For me to add more characters would not be great as this is true.
Firstly, grammar... Title: Although YOU'RE gone, you still haunt me... (3 dot dot dots works better) I think that what with the title saying he is gone, it would be better if the story finished. How did he go?
Eleven years old AND just about to start secondary school; every child's most terrifying and exciting experience. But I had bigger problems (?). I had a stepfather that preyed on me. From then until i was 17 i was sexually abused and mentally tortured. Every time Mum went to work, I started breathing deeply and got butterflies in my stomach at the thought of being alone with that fat disgusting piece of scum! The first time it happened he pretended to tickle me, but he went toO far and reached up and cupped my breasts. I tried to scream but froze at the shock that this was happening. It couldn't- could it?! AfterWARDS he said SORRY- which was a word I heard often but never believed. He said don't tell your mum, she would be really angry with me, and i love my kids so i can't be without them. But somehow i got the courage to tell her....As i spoke i knew she didn't believe what i was saying. She kept it to herself, but it happened again and then other things developed, the sick taunts about my body and wantING me to wear low-cut tops. Coming up behind me and touching me. I just wanted to kill him, but you lose all the feeling within your body. You can't move. As time went on mum had it out with him and got a confession from him, but she never kicked him out. She carried on as normal, watching from the outside. From then ON it got worse, he planted a camera in my room to record me changing AFTER getting out OF the shower. He put a hole in the ceiling in the bathroom, so he could get in the loft and look through it when i was in the shower.....
This piece of work has a lot of potential. I think ou should definitely add an ending though, and work on the grammar. Some of this is just suggestion, you'll want to work on the sentence structures yourself. I think more character development- we don't really know anything about the girl. You could say something like 'I was just a normal girl about to start secondary school. I enjoyed doing this, this and this...' More background information would add interest. Thanks!
Firstly, grammar... Title: Although YOU'RE gone, you still haunt me... (3 dot dot dots works better) I think that what with the title saying he is gone, it would be better if the story finished. How did he go?
Eleven years old AND just about to start secondary school; every child's most terrifying and exciting experience. But I had bigger problems (?). I had a stepfather that preyed on me. From then until i was 17 i was sexually abused and mentally tortured. Every time Mum went to work, I started breathing deeply and got butterflies in my stomach at the thought of being alone with that fat disgusting piece of scum! The first time it happened he pretended to tickle me, but he went toO far and reached up and cupped my breasts. I tried to scream but froze at the shock that this was happening. It couldn't- could it?! AfterWARDS he said SORRY- which was a word I heard often but never believed. He said don't tell your mum, she would be really angry with me, and i love my kids so i can't be without them. But somehow i got the courage to tell her....As i spoke i knew she didn't believe what i was saying. She kept it to herself, but it happened again and then other things developed, the sick taunts about my body and wantING me to wear low-cut tops. Coming up behind me and touching me. I just wanted to kill him, but you lose all the feeling within your body. You can't move. As time went on mum had it out with him and got a confession from him, but she never kicked him out. She carried on as normal, watching from the outside. From then ON it got worse, he planted a camera in my room to record me changing AFTER getting out OF the shower. He put a hole in the ceiling in the bathroom, so he could get in the loft and look through it when i was in the shower.....
This piece of work has a lot of potential. I think ou should definitely add an ending though, and work on the grammar. Some of this is just suggestion, you'll want to work on the sentence structures yourself. I think more character development- we don't really know anything about the girl. You could say something like 'I was just a normal girl about to start secondary school. I enjoyed doing this, this and this...' More background information would add interest. Thanks!
okay, first of all....stop giving all that information one after another. everything was happening a little too fast. So I think you ought to describe it a little more, throw in the info one at a time so that we can digest it...other than that marvelous job!
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