empty space.

Hello there, welcome to YWS!

Firstly, I think the premise of this story is nice and cute. Obviously you have a nice idea, and it just needs some more work to reflect your potential.

I'm going to split this review into two parts - content and grammar - to hopefully cover what I can think of.

Content.

Is it enough?

Like I said, this is a nice idea, but the story isn't really reflecting the idea at the moment. What you have now is much more like the foundations of what you could have at the end of the process. If you read this through you'll notice that it seems quite jumpy - your writing moves around hurriedly, which makes it quite a jarring experience for the reader. Partly, I think this is because at the moment this story isn't fleshed out enough! You need to make it more of an established story - work out what your beginning, middle and end are and really build up on those so that it works properly. Also, try to smooth the whole piece over a little more so that it flows well and reads like a well-written story.

Historical fiction?

Right now, what qualifies this story to be in historical fiction? You've made references to your protagonist being a Lady and used some terms that make the society she's in seem old, but what relevance does this have? It's not a 'must-do', I suppose, but really I feel like you should have a clear idea about when/where this is set and make that apparent within the piece. Historical fiction can be really interesting, but there needs to be some accuracy and research done before this actually qualifies as historical fiction. Is it set in England (seems like it)? What time period do you think this is? Once you've decided that, you can add in lovely details that will help you with fleshing out the story such as clothing, mannerisms and etiquette in those times (or things with more relevance ...).

Believability? (A follow-on)

Your characters emotions seem to be all over the place at the moment. Swinging back and forth from elated to distraught to angry to forgiving to loving without any chance for the reader to catch their breath. Is this really believable? People's emotions can change, sure, but there needs to be a process involved. This relates to 'fleshing out' your story, as trying to make emotions realistic in the story will add some more character to it. Honestly, just try to make the story flow better - partly through taking the reader alongside the characters as they make their emotional transitions.

Grammar.

"I HATE YOU!" she screamed, tears rolling down her face, hands shaking, whites of her eye's gone red. she turned around and took off running with his heart in her hand, only to drop it on the ground were it roll around in the dust. He hit the ground with it, stunded for a moment, then he broke down crying his head in his hands.

Could be:

"I HATE YOU!" she screamed with tears rolling down her face, shaking hands and red eyes. She turned around and began to run. She still held his heart in her hand, only to drop it on the ground where it rolled around in the dust. Stunned, he hit the ground with it and, holding his head in his hands, broke down crying.

Dialogue.

Sort out your dialogue punctuation! It can be really confusing so here is a lovely article for you to read and learn. Hopefully it'll help you somewhat.

General.

Do something for me: read this writing out loud. At some points, you'll find it sounds weird, jerky or doesn't pause when you think it should. These are the points where your grammar/sentence structure should be corrected. Another thing that it would be great for you to work on is making your sentences more interesting. A lot of them start in the same way and follow the same pattern, whereas there are a load of ways that you can jazz up sentences to really enhance your story. Take a look at this!

Well, I hope this review helps you and feel free to send me a message with any further comments or questions.

See you around,

Amy

Young Writers Society

Sponsors

About / Info

Forums & RPG

Literary

Resources