This line is repudiative to the last line where you said: "gathering her thoughts". So in this case if you find yourself repeating words you should substitute the word for a synonym. So in this case I would look up "gather" in a thesauruses, which I did, and I think you should say this instead:
"Though she tried they would not assemble" or "collect". Or you could change the line before and say something more like:
collecting her thoughts. Though she tried they would not gather
"What have you gone and done?"
You should take out the "gone" in this sentence.
"few hours till dawn"
Until not till
"she was sound in the mind"
I would say "sane" instead of "sound in the mind", it flows smoother.
"She liked to think of them as snowflakes, hidden by the shadows of the dark, secret snow."
I love this line. It is very poetic and powerful and furthermore this is the first time you start "layering" your main character with emotion and a whole different character. I'll explain more about this later.
Alrighty! So Dogs here with your review, I typically throw in the grammar and oddly worded sentences in first and then the overall review last. So this piece is good, it really does show the kind of insanity of Katherine if you want to look at it that way, but I prefer to see it as a different vantage point as you have shown when she wakes up, which is why I really like this. In the beginning it shows Katherine being a little "crazy" by banging her head against the wall for no reason and digging her fingernails into her head. But in the next paragraph she talks about how she see's snow in dust. Which by extension is seeing beauty in the ugly. I don't know if you intended to do this but regardless it is fantastic which makes this entire story so good. Keep up the good work!!!
You know, I like this. But I'm confused. Is it wrote in the omnisecent point of view? Because at the end it had a snippet of Margies thoughts. And what does her being married have to do with the episeode that happened to Katherine? I'm confused, but I liked it. I only have a few problems with it. 1. It disturbed her greatly. Her head hurt, she combed her hands through her hair, clawing at its roots. Try this, "It disturbed her greatly, making her head hurt. She combed her head before clawing at the roots." 2. She hummed, head buried in her knees, she closed her eyes, and escaped tears ran down her face. Too many commas. Try this, "She hummed with her head burried in her knees. She closed her eyes, letting the tears escape down her face." 3. Margie’s voice rung in her ear, like fingers against the rim of a wine glass, she hummed louder, clawed deeper. Once again, far to many commas. Try this, "Margies voice rung in her ear, as that of fingers againt the rim of a wine glass. But she only hummed louder and clawed at her roots more so." 4. Margie flew across the bedroom her skirt rustled with her. Lack of comma. TRy this, "Margie flew across the bedroom, her skirt rustled about her." 5. She grabbed a hold of Katherine’s arms, prying them from her scalp, Katherine cried out, as she swung her head backwards slamming it hard against the wood of the backboard. Too many commas. Try this, "SHe grabbed a hold of Katherine's arms, prying them from her scalp. She cried out as she swung her head backwards, slamming it hard against the wooden backboard." 6. On the fourth blow, her strength had weakened, allowing Margie to gather her in her arms, she held her hard, and the pressure calmed her. Commas, again. Try this, "Upon the fourth blow, her strength faltered, allowing Margie to gather her into her arms. She held her hard. The pressure calmed Katherine.
That's all. All together I liked it. This would be a neat idea for a novel. Can't wait to see what you have next for me to review! Works on those commas! I admit, I like them too. But they should be used responsible.
We were made to corageous, We're taking back the fight. We were made to be corageous, And it starts with us tonight.
And the only way we'll stand, Is on our knees with lifted hands. Make us corageous, Lord make us corageous. - Casting Crowns
I don't know whether to say this is interesting or not because I really don't understand much of what's going on. Everything is so jumbled and sort up mashed up together that there doesn't seem to much development elsewhere. Also, I'm having some issues with this character Katherine. She annoys me.
Anyway. So, first Katherine is having these nightmares? The main question is: why? Why is she suffering from the nightmares? And what exactly is she dreaming of? It's hard to sympathize with a distressed character when we, as the readers, don't exactly know why they're so upset. It's easier to sympathize when one knows the reason. If you would rather not describe the horrors, maybe Katherine is screaming about them? Often people who suffer from nightmares might unintentionally/subconsciously say something about what they just dreamed about. In that way, the reader could possibly deduce what Katherine is so upset about.
Secondly, about Katherine herself. She annoys me so much. She act rather mature when speaking to Margie, but, even though the nightmares must be pretty awful, she doesn't act very mature. I got the sense that she was perhaps a young teenager? I'm not sure; she could also be marrying young. Either way, you should be precise or implicitly indicate her age. It's important. This also ties in with the nightmares - maybe what she's dreaming about has something to do with the marriage? If she's young, is she frightened of the commitment to marriage? Is she frightened of whom she must marry? There are so many questions, it's almost too much for such a short story/excerpt(?).
And now for mechanics and that annoying stuff.
A lot of your sentences have misplaced commas and other types of punctuation which in turn messes up idea and thus can easily confuse a reader. Which it probably did already since I know it did for me. For example:
Her nightdress soaked through; shivering and wet she curled her knees to her chest, gathering her thoughts.
This sentence is a prime example of a misused semi-colon. I'm not even sure what to call it since it's not a comma splice at all, really. It just seems like words are really misplace. It's more fragmented than anything, I think. This sentence definitely calls for a rewrite. You might want to consider writing something like: Shivering through her soaked nightdress, she curled her knees to her chest, gathering thoughts. See how that works much better? However, try writing your own. Mine's just a quick three-second example.
And throughout your story, there are other errors much like the one I just discussed. You should keep an eye-out for use of semi-colons. Many people get confused by this, but they aren't just a fancy type of punctuation and they do not replace commas and/or periods. Being a semi-colon, it's mostly used to fix a comma splice and to join two separate independent clauses together. Like:
My dog died yesterday; we buried him in the backyard.
If you want to learn more about comma splices, here is a YWS article about it.
If you have any questions about this review, don't hesitate to shoot me a PM.
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