Young Writers Society

It was 1574 and war had started again. This was the third year in a row that war had broken out in Northern Scotland, and I was lucky enough to be born into the family best known for their great skills in battle. I was their only heir, and would have to continue their legacy one day. My father was the great Kale, built like a Scotsman should be, strong and tuff as nails. He was also the leader of our troop, he was always front line in battle. He was a respected man and well known throughout Scotland. My mother,Veronica, on the other hand was the peace maker of the village, but she was always there next to my father, no matter what. They always stuck together. The people in my village were family in many ways. You could always count on one of us to be there for you when times were tuff. We were all connected, and nothing could break that bond. I woke up to the smell of my mother cooking in the kitchen, and the sound of my fathers hammer. "Good morning Mother." I said as I walked down the stairs. "Good morning love, I hope you slept well." "Yes, thank you." I said and walked to the table to my father. "Good morning Elizabeth, I hope my hammering did not wake you." "No Sir, I was so tired I did not hear a thing. It was the smell of Mothers cooking that woke me ha-ha." My parents smiled. At the same time, there was a knock against our door. "Come in." Yelled my father. "Good morning everybody! I don't mean to disrupt you in any way, but Sir Edward has set up a meeting and you two must be present." My father looked at the man who, nodded in response to what his eyes were saying. "Okay then, Veronica lets go." Said my father. My mother looked at me with worried eyes. "Will you be okay here by yourself Lizzie?" "For Pete's sake Veronica, my niece is strong! She is one of us, she can handle herself." Said my uncle John. "I'll be okay Mother, after I finish my breakfast I'll come meet you and Father." I smiled at my worry some mother. "Good girl." She put her hand against my cheek and left with my father and uncle. When I finally reached the Meeting hall my mother was in an argument with one of the members of Sir Edward's team. ".... But how can you expect us to win when we stand divided!? If we go to battle with Southern Scotland, that shall not resolve anything! And one more attack from England and we're finished! Why am I the only one that sees it?!" She stormed out of the room saying words I could not understand. "Sir Kale I advise that you teach your wife to keep her mouth closed in subjects that do not concern her." Said the man who had upset my mother. "Sir Arnold my wife is a proud member of this team like you and me and every other man in this place! Because of her we have three new alliances. Why would she be wrong this time? Your father knew the power that she holds. And it's sad that you cannot see it yourself." He yelled at the man and walked out after my mother, passing me on his way out. "There is no need for you to stay. Go and enjoy yourself." I walked down the bumpy road to reach back to my cottage. I stood outside examining it. Not wanting to go in, knowing that my parents needed a moment to themselves. This house was old. It was the house my father grew up in, and lived in ever since. The walls were filled with precious memories and moments of laughter. I loved it with all my heart. Enough time had passed and I decided to enter the house. My mother was by the sink and my father was standing in front of her, holding her hands. "Sir Arnold e og, nach bhfuil a fhios aige. Ni mor duinn iarracht a dheanamh agus a intinn a athru. Mbeidh gach rud a ceart go leor." He only spoke our language to her when something was wrong, or just on occasion. It made her feel special. It was a language used mostly by the older generation, but I knew it. They said it would be an asset to me one day."Maith go leor, beidh me ag fanacht. Beidh me a urramu. Mas rud e nach bhfuil an obair. Beidh me ag dul i gcomhairle leis na daoine eile." She turned away from him and continued to wash her dishes. "Is everything okay?" I asked. Both of then stared at me. They had no idea I was in the room with them. " Ta, ta gach rud fineail- I mean, yes. Everything is fine. Will you be a dear and get me some Fever grass from outside?" She was flustered. "The sky is setting for a nasty storm." I protested, knowing they would continue their conversation when I left the room. "Yes, that gives you more reason to leave now. Please go." I stared at them for a moment and left without a further complaint. Outside the wind had picked up and made the trees dance around. I grabbed onto a nearby branch to keep my balance. I picked the grass from our patch behind the house and sat underneath the window, trying to hear what they were saying. "If we are going into battle, I think we should be prepared. She is of age to join the others. It is her time to join the fight. We knew this day would come, and we know that she is ready. She might be the BEST one out there! Nothing can go wrong when your parents are who they are. So smile. This is what we have been waiting for." I couldn't believe my ears. It was MY turn to be apart of the fight. Was I ready? My mother laughed. "Let's hope that she didn't just get her red hair and freckles from you." The two laughed and sat at the table. "She will be great! I could see it since she was a little girl." Said my father. " Ha, I think we should get her out of the rain then ha-ha." Said my mother. I was already on my way when she opened the door. "Sorry love." She said as I walked in. "It's quite fine. I think I shall retire early tonight if you do not mind." I needed to be alone. "Goodnight, darling." Said my father. I smiled politely and shuffled up the stairs. When I woke up the sky was still dark from the thunder storm that plagued our village the night before. The wind howled in anger and rattled our small house. I got out of my bed and walked to my mirror. I stood there staring at myself, trying to find out who I really was. Twenty-five percent Norwegian, on my mothers side, and seventy percent Scottish on my fathers. It was a pretty good match. It was comforting to know I was more than just freckles and red hair. Red hair that went everywhere, it was untamable, but luscious and curly. I walked down the stairs with my winter coat in hand and greeted my mother as usual. "Good morning Mother." I said but she wasn't paying attention to me. She kept on with her sewing and occasionally muttered something under her breath. I stepped towards her. "Good morning, Mother." She finally looked up at me, confused, and nodded. "Hello dearie, how are you this morning." "I'm fine. Other than this depressing weather. I am okay." She still wasn't paying attention to me. "Um, I was wondering if you could sew my coat for me." I asked, acknowledging the jacket in my arms. "Ahh you've noticed the weather changing. Yes, the seasons are changing fast. Hm." She took the jacket from me and added it to her pile. "Why are you doing the villages sewing?" I asked. She sighed heavily. "The men have to be prepared for battle." "I thought there we weren't going into battle?" I asked and grabbed an apple off of the table. "I don't know. But we should be ready nonetheless." As she explained I could tell something was wrong. "But-" She cut me off before i could finish. "Please, no more questions. As you can see I have lots of work to do, and your father wants you to meet him in the horse stable. So hurry on now." I didn't protest and got up from the small table and left the house. I decided to hold off my father and go sit underneath the big Willow tree that sat on the far end of our property. I sat with my legs curled up and my face in my knees. "What am I going to do with myself." I grumbled, my life always went this way when war broke out. "Well you can start by first getting off the ground." Said someone from in front of me. "Oh hello Peter." "Hello, may I ask why you're sitting on the floor talking to yourself?" He sat down next to me. "I don't know, I- I just have no idea what to do with myself." I threw my hands on the floor and played with a small plant. "Well aren't you suppose to be with your father in the stable?" He asked. "Yes, but I mean in general. Every time there's war my life turns upside down. And even worse now that it's my turn to join the fight. I know somewhere deep down that I can do this, but I'm scared." I turned toward Peter and tapped my chest. "Ah, I see. I was scared too when I first joined but you'll be fine. Trust me they don't expect as much from you when you're new." He tried to comfort me but it didn't work. "Yes, but I'm the only child of Kale and Veronica McArthright. My parents live on that little fact. People expect great things from me because of that. It's a lot to handle." He nodded his head in agreement. "Yes that's true. But you know I'll be there every step of the way." He grabbed my hand. "Thanks Peter. I can always count on you." He stood up and brought me with him. "Come Lizzie, lets go to your father before he gets worried." We walked the way to my family stable, passing our neighbors as they said hello. We walked into the stable to find my father brushing our horse Kelly. "Well nice for you to finally show up." He crossed his arms over his chest. "I'm sorry Sir for occupying all of her time. I guess we just lost track of time." Said Peter. Saving me from explaining. My father looked down at us before he spoke. "Well as long as she was with you, and not wondering around aimlessly." He said. "Yes Sir, I completely agree." I jabbed my elbow into his ribs when my father turned away. "So are you ready to start? You may be half an hour late, but this is important so we must start now." Said my father. "Yes Father, but can I say goodbye to Peter first? He did come all this way." I begged. "Hurry along now Elizabeth, tell your parents I say good day Peter." Answered my father. "Yes Sir, I shall." We walked to the front of the stable and stood there talking. "Well I guess I have to go now, thanks again Peter for everything. You're a great friend." "Anytime Lizzie, you know I'll always be here. And I wouldn't hang around me for too long if I were you. One day you won't be able to get ride of me." He laughed. "But that's not until a few years, I'd like to know you first before I go any further." I threw my arms in front of me and laughed. "If you wish," he held my hand,"will you able to come see me tonight? In the field by the lake?" He questioned, with a pleading look in his eyes. "If I can get away from my parents then yes." We smiled at the possibility. "Well until then." He bowed lightly and walked away. I stood there for a moment and realized I wasn't alone. "He's gone Elizabeth, come now." "Lizzie, I understand that you are betrothed to Peter, but you know the rules." He looked worried. "Yes Father, but I have not broken any rules. This is the first I have seen Peter since his arrival last week. I understand the rules and I would never go behind you and Mother and break them." Kale stared down at his only child and gave her a big hug knowing he could trust her. "Alright then, let us start your lesson." "Okay let's see, since you already know how to ride I think it's best you learn how to ride with a sword and weapons on your hip." He demonstrated by mounting Kelly and with drew his sword. "When in battle you must always use your strongest arm in battle. In your case, your right, but by the end of your training you'll be able to use both so well you will be unstoppable on the battle field!" He exclaimed happily. Once he was finished demonstrating I hopped on to take a turn. Being on top of her was as natural to me as standing on my own two feet, holding the sword at the time was another story. "I don't understand how you and the rest of the soldiers last on here very long." "And that is why you must learn dearie. Hold on now, I'm gonna walk her out onto the field, steady now." Proclaimed her father. "But I can't, I'm slipping!" She screamed. "Them try and rebalance yourself." He laughed. "I CAN'T." She screamed and threw the sword on the floor and fell off the horse, who ran off startled, and fell in her fathers arms. She clung on to him fervently. "Hahah, I'd prefer you not throw your sword at me but at least you knew to let go." He joked. "Ok so let's start working on you riding the horse with a bow and arrow. It's a lot lighter and your mother uses them too." There was no room to complain so I went and fetched the horse. By the time we finished my training the sun had already gone down and the village was already preparing for the celebration of the return of the troops from Sweden. "Go wash up and then help you mother set up for the celebration." He ordered. I rushed up the stairs to the bathroom to freshen up, when I realized I had grass and dirt in my hair and clothes. I immediately grabbed my wash cloth and scrubbed away, until there was no trace of what had gone on in that stable. I hoped mother wouldn't be upset for my lateness but I knew she would be happy I cleaned up first before the celebration. By the time I arrived my mother was almost finished setting up."I'm sorry for being late Mother, I lost track of time." I explained. "It's fine, just finish putting the rest of the food out and you are done. I must meet with your father so I will see when the ceremony begins." She promised, and walked away towards my father and the rest of the team. I finished setting out the meat just in time for the celebration to start. The crowd had gone quiet when Sir Edward stood to inform us. "My people," he started,"I am happy to announce that Sweden has agreed to join our team of allies!" The crowd rejoiced with happiness, at the sound of the good news."This all wouldn't be possible with out our very own Veronica McArthright." the crowd cheered even louder for my mother. Everyone believed in her skills, all except Sir Arnold. Everyone sang our victory song to show their appreciation and respect. "Congratulations Mother, I knew things would turn out right."I beamed."Thank you so much, I really appreciate it." My mother glowed knowing she did a job well done. As the celebration went on the more fun everyone had, and the less noticeable I became. I made my way to the lake by the light of the full moon and found Peter laying on the grass. "Do you mind if I sit here?" I joked. "Oh, sorry didn't see you there. I was distracted. Congratulate your mother for me, she must be very proud of what she's done for our little village." "She is. She's willing to do anything for the sake of the sake of her people." I explained. "But I want to hear about your long trip."I pleaded, and grabbed his giant hands in one of mine. "What would you like to know." He smiled. "Everything! What was Sweden like? What did it look like? How did the people sound?" I got on my knees with excitement. "I bet it was the most magnificent place next our own of course."


* The part that looks like giberish is actually written in Greek Or Italian I can't remember.

Hello there, Flower. One comment I'd like to make before even starting to review - don't post things in block text like this, break it up into paragraphs because it's difficult to read and review and may often be off-putting. I might end up breaking it up as I go along just to make it easier for myself, hope you don't mind...

That being said, comments in bold

FlowerPower wrote:It was 1574 and war had started again. This was the third year in a row that war had broken out in Northern Scotland, and I was lucky enough to be born into the family best known for their great skills in battle. I was their only heir, and would have to continue their legacy one day. My father was the great Kale, built like a Scotsman should be, strong and tuff as nails. He was also the leader of our troop, he was always front line in battle. He was a respected man and well known throughout Scotland. My mother,Veronica, on the other hand was the peace maker of the village, but she was always there next to my father, no matter what. The impression one gets when you start is that the character's family is a noble one, therefore well known, so is it appropriate they're in a village rather than a town or larger settlement? They always stuck together. The people in my village were family in many ways. You could always count on one of us to be there for you when times were tuff. We were all connected, and nothing could break that bond. A bit confusing here, with the "theys" and "us" when the protagonist is speaking about their family and the villagers, go through that again to make it a bit clearer...

I woke up to the smell of my mother cooking in the kitchen, and the sound of my fathers hammer.

"Good morning comma Mother." I said as I walked down the stairs.

"Good morning love, I hope you slept well."

"Yes, thank you." I said and walked to the table to my father.

"Good morning Elizabeth, I hope my hammering did not wake you." Is this something the head of the family, especially in a time of war, in the 16th century really say to his daughter? If there's a job to be done then there's a job to be done...

"No Sir, I was so tired I did not hear a thing. It was the smell of Mothers cooking that woke me ha-ha." My parents smiled. At the same time, there was a knock against our door. Get rid of the haha, if she laughed then she can say so, it doesn't sound right this way. Also, you don't need to end every speaking part with a full stop - commas, question marks, exclamation marks (though don't overdo these either) will add some variation to the dialogue, make it less statement-like all the time, less dry, and add some emotional dimension to the characters.

"Come in." Yelled my father.

"Good morning everybody! I don't mean to disrupt you in any way, but Sir Edward has set up a meeting and you two must be present." My father looked at the man who, comma after "man" not "who" nodded in response to what his eyes were saying. What were his eyes saying? If you're making a comment like this then you'd need a description to support it.

"Okay then, Veronica comma lets go." Said my father. "okay" in the 16th century? Really?

My mother looked at me with worried eyes. "Will you be okay here by yourself comma Lizzie?"

"For Pete's sake Veronica, my niece is strong! She is one of us, she can handle herself." Said my uncle John.

"I'll be okay Mother, after I finish my breakfast I'll come meet you and Father." I smiled at my worry some mother. Repetition of "mother". Be careful with repetition, the reader might end up noticing this as he reads and then losing focus on what exactly he's reading about, you don't want that.

"Good girl." She put her hand against my cheek and left with my father and uncle.

When I finally reached the Meeting hall Comma. Also, either capitalise the "hall" too, or don't capitalise the "meeting", it's either an official name of it or not. my mother was in an argument with one of the members of Sir Edward's team.

".... But how can you expect us to win when we stand divided!? If we go to battle with Southern Scotland, that shall not resolve anything! And Cut the "and" here, takes away from the force of her argument one more attack from England and we're finished! Why am I the only one that "who" not "that", you're talking about a person not a thing sees it?!" She stormed out of the room saying words I could not understand.

"Sir Kale comma I advise that you teach your wife to keep her mouth closed in "on"? in doesn't sound right...subjects that do not concern her." Said the man who had upset my mother.

"Sir Arnold comma my wife is a proud member of this team Maybe society would sound better? like you and me and every other man in this place! Because of her we have three new alliances. Why would she be wrong this time? Your father knew the power that she holds. And it's sad that you cannot see it yourself." He yelled at the man and walked out after my mother, passing me on his way out. "There is no need for you to stay. Go and enjoy yourself." Would he really lose his temper this way and yell back at the man? If you want to show the tension of the situation I think you should prolong the discussion a bit more, give a bit more background to the situation and characters, to make such rash reactions more plausible

I walked down the bumpy road to reach back to my cottage. I stood outside examining it. Not wanting to go in, knowing that my parents needed a moment to themselves. Watch tenses in this sentence, too much passive This house was old. It was the house my father grew up in, and lived in ever since. The walls were filled with precious memories and moments of laughter. I loved it with all my heart. Enough time had passed and I decided to enter the house. My mother was by the sink and my father was standing in front of her, holding her hands. This is a list of statements, the sentences all the same length, there's no feeling or emotion no matter what you're describing - the house, the past, the characters. You need to play around with sentence structure more, have the very form of what you're saying enhance the content for the best effect

"Sir Arnold e og, nach bhfuil a fhios aige. Ni mor duinn iarracht a dheanamh agus a intinn a athru. Mbeidh gach rud a ceart go leor." He only spoke our language to her when something was wrong, or just on occasion what occasion?. It made her feel special. It was a language used mostly by the older generation, but I knew it. They said it would be an asset to me one day.

"Maith go leor, beidh me ag fanacht. Beidh me a urramu. Mas rud e nach bhfuil an obair. Beidh me ag dul i gcomhairle leis na daoine eile." She turned away from him and continued to wash her dishes.

"Is everything okay?" I asked. Both of then stared at me. They had no idea I was in the room with them. "I had been" would be more appropriate here I think...

" Ta, ta gach rud fineail- I mean, yes. Everything is fine. Will you be a dear and get me some Fever grass from outside?" She was flustered. It would be a good time to give some insight on perhaps why the protagonist thinks her mother is flustered, some background, that kind of thing.

"The sky is setting for a nasty storm." I protested, knowing they would continue their conversation when I left the room. She was quite willing to give them time to talk earlier, what change? And if it's because of whatever they said in Irish then that's probably significant and you should give an indication to the reader of what it might be.

"Yes, that gives you more reason to leave now. Please go."

I stared at them for a moment and left without a further complaint. Outside the wind had picked up and made the trees dance around. I grabbed onto a nearby branch to keep my balance. I picked the grass from our patch behind the house and sat underneath the window, trying to hear what they were saying.

"If we are going into battle, I think we should be prepared. She is of age to join the others. It is her time to join the fight. We knew this day would come, and we know that she is ready. She might be the BEST Try to avoid using block capitals, if you really need to accentuate one word then italicize it but generally this isn't necessary one out there! Nothing can go wrong when your parents are who they are. So smile. This is what we have been waiting for." Why can nothing go wrong? is there some sort of mystery here? If so, you'd better give more of an indication that there is to inspire the reader's curiosity...

I couldn't believe my ears. It was MY What I said before turn to be apart of the fight. Was I ready? Does she think she is? If it's such big news then give me something from what the character thinks or feels! Make them walk and talk and feel in my head, get into their heads and show me what's there because the story is interesting and I'm dying to know, but with 1 or 2 dimensional characters the plot itself won't be enough to keep me reading for long. My mother laughed.

"Let's hope that she didn't just get her red hair and freckles from you." The two laughed and sat at the table.

"She will be great! I could see it since she was a little girl." Said my father.

" Ha, I think we should get her out of the rain then ha-ha." Said my mother. I was already on my way when she opened the door. What does the rain have to do with her being great?

"Sorry love." She said as I walked in. Sorry for what?

"It's quite fine. I think I shall retire early tonight if you do not mind." I needed to be alone. Um, language? You're mixing modern language with words like "Sir" and "retire". Find out how they spoke at the time your writing in and stick to that. Be consistent.

"Goodnight, darling." Said my father. I smiled politely and shuffled up the stairs.

When I woke up the sky was still dark from the thunder storm that plagued our village the night before. The wind howled in anger and rattled our small house. I got out of my bed and walked to my mirror. I stood there staring at myself, trying to find out who I really was. Twenty-five percent Norwegian, on my mothers side, and seventy percent Scottish on my fathers. It was a pretty good match. It was comforting to know I was more than just freckles and red hair. Red hair that went everywhere, it was untamable, but luscious and curly. I walked down the stairs with my winter coat in hand and greeted my mother as usual.

"Good morning comma Mother." I said comma but she wasn't paying attention to me. She kept on with her sewing and occasionally muttered something under her breath. I stepped towards her.

"Good morning, Mother." She finally looked up at me, confused, and nodded.

"Hello dearie, how are you this morning." Is this a question? Yes? Then use a question mark at the end, that's what it's there for!

"I'm fine. Other than this depressing weather. I am okay." She still wasn't paying attention to me. "Um, I was wondering if you could sew my coat for me." I asked, acknowledging the jacket in my arms. Jacket is a modern thing. They didn't have jackets in the 16 century.

"Ahh you've noticed the weather changing. Yes, the seasons are changing fast. Hm." She took the jacket from me and added it to her pile.

"Why are you doing the villages sewing?" I asked.

She sighed heavily. "The men have to be prepared for battle."

"I thought there we weren't going into battle?" I asked and grabbed an apple off of the table.

"I don't know. But we should be ready nonetheless." As she explained I could tell something was wrong. That's hardly an explanation. I'm getting quite confused as to what's going on. Background! Let me in on the story!

"But-" She cut me off before i capitalise could finish.

"Please, no more questions. As you can see I have lots of work to do, and your father wants you to meet him in the horse stable. So hurry on now." Just "stable", self-explanatory, stables are for horses.

I didn't protest and got up from the small table and left the house. I decided to hold off my father and go sit underneath the big Willow Why is this capitalised? tree that sat on the far end of our property. I sat with my legs curled up and my face in my knees.

"What am I going to do with myself." Question or statement? I grumbled,semi-colon or colon, not comma my life always went this way when war broke out. What way? Has she lived through a war before? Elaborate!

"Well comma you can start by first getting off the ground." Said someone from in front of me.

"Oh comma hello Peter."

"Hello, may I ask why you're sitting on the floor talking to yourself?" He sat down next to me.

"I don't know, I- I just have no idea what to do with myself." I threw my hands on the floor and played with a small plant.

"Well aren't you suppose to be with your father in the stable?" He asked. how would he know that?

"Yes, but I mean in general. Every time there's war my life turns upside down. And even worse now that it's my turn to join the fight. I know somewhere deep down that I can do this, but I'm scared." I turned toward Peter and tapped my chest. Why is she tapping her chest? And are you sure women fought in wars in the 16 century?

"Ah, I see. I was scared too when I first joined but you'll be fine. Trust me they don't expect as much from you when you're new." He tried to comfort me but it didn't work. What do they expect from you then? What do they expect from you when you're no longer new and have some experience? Atop going around the subject tell me what's going on, what they're thinking, what kind of world they live in!

"Yes, but I'm the only child of Kale and Veronica McArthright. My parents live on that little fact. People expect great things from me because of that. It's a lot to handle." Why? You keep mentioning this but you haven't once explained why this is so important!

He nodded his head in agreement. "Yes comma that's true. But you know I'll be there every step of the way." He grabbed my hand.

"Thanks Peter. I can always count on you."

He stood up and brought me with him. "Come Lizzie, lets "let's go to your father before he gets worried."

We walked the way to my family stable, passing our neighbors as they said hello. We walked into the stable to find my father brushing our horse Kelly.

"Well nice for "of" you you to finally show up." He crossed his arms over his chest.

"I'm sorry Sir for occupying all of her time. I guess we just lost track of time." Repetition Said Peter. Saving me from explaining. No need to separate these sentences too block-y. Come on, read it out loud to yourself and see how it sounds. Boring? Then go back to change it to sound more interesting, play around with it! You want your story to flow, you want the reader to be able to imagine what's happening as if her were standing alongside the characters, as immersed in the events you're describing as they are. So far I'm getting blurry flat images.

My father looked down at us before he spoke. "Well as long as she was with you, and not wondering around aimlessly." He said. Why is it okay as long as she was with him? And seeing as they exchanged maybe two sentences, why would it have taken so long?

"Yes Sir, I completely agree." I jabbed my elbow into his ribs when my father turned away. Why?

"So are you ready to start? You may be half an hour late, but this is important so we must start now." Said my father.

"Yes Father, but can I say goodbye to Peter first? He did come all this way." I begged.

"Hurry along now Elizabeth, tell your parents I say good day Peter." Answered my father.

"Yes Sir, I shall."

We walked to the front of the stable and stood there talking. "Well I guess I have to go now, thanks again Peter No need to have his name here. People don't use each other's names that often when talking to each other. Makes it seem more awkward. for everything. You're a great friend."

"Anytime Lizzie, you know I'll always be here. And I wouldn't hang around me for too long if I were you. One day you won't be able to get ride SPELLING! of me." He laughed. "But that's not until a few years, I'd like to know you first before I go any further." Further with what?

I threw my arms in front of me and laughed.

"If you wish," he held my hand,"will you able to come see me tonight? In the field by the lake?" He questioned, with a pleading look in his eyes.

"If I can get away from my parents then yes." We smiled at the possibility. Why? Feelings, emotions, thoughts - anything!!!

"Well comma. But I think it would work better without the "well" until then." He bowed lightly and walked away. I stood there for a moment and realized I wasn't alone. How?

"He's gone Elizabeth, come now."

"Lizzie, I understand that you are betrothed to Peter, but you know the rules." He looked worried.

"Yes Father, but I have not broken any rules. This is the first I have seen Peter since his arrival last week. I understand the rules and I would never go behind you and Mother and break them." Kale stared down at his only child and gave her a big hug knowing he could trust her. Um, what happened to first person narration? Consistency!

"Alright then, let us start your lesson." You've been using the informal "let's" without a problem so far, why the "let us"?"

"Okay let's see, since you already know how to ride I think it's best you learn how to ride with a sword and weapons on your hip." He demonstrated by mounting Kelly and with drew his sword. "When in battle you must always use your strongest arm in battle. In your case, your right, but by the end of your training you'll be able to use both so well you will be unstoppable on the battle field!" He exclaimed happily. [b]Why would he be happy his only child is going to war?

Once he was finished demonstrating I hopped on to take a turn. Being on top of her was as natural to me as standing on my own two feet, holding the sword at the time was another story. Oh, back to first person now are we?

"I don't understand how you and the rest of the soldiers last on here very long." "And that is why you must learn dearie. Hold on now, I'm gonna walk her out onto the field, steady now." Proclaimed her father. Third person...?

"But I can't, I'm slipping!" She screamed.

"Them Spelling try and rebalance yourself." He laughed.

"I CAN'T." You already know what I think about capitals. She screamed and threw the sword on the floor and fell off the horse, who ran off startled, and fell in her fathers arms. Careful sounds like the horse fell into her father's arms. Structure She clung on to him fervently. If she knows how to ride why would she be so scared? If she's a good rider at all she'd have fallen loads of times already and been able to handle it.

"Hahah, Get rid of this I'd prefer you not throw your sword at me but at least you knew to let go." He joked. "Ok so let's start working on you riding the horse with a bow and arrow. It's a lot lighter and your mother uses them too."

There was no room to complain so I went and fetched the horse. Oh, first person again? Make up your mind. By the time we finished my training the sun had already gone down and the village was already preparing for the celebration of the return of the troops from Sweden. Swedish troops in Scotland? Could you give a bit more background here as to why they'd be coming, generally readers might not be familiar with this historical period in detail...

"Go wash up and then help you mother set up for the celebration." He ordered. What celebration?

I rushed up the stairs to the bathroom to freshen up, when I realized I had grass and dirt in my hair and clothes. I immediately grabbed my wash cloth and scrubbed away, until there was no trace of what had gone on in that stable. I hoped mother wouldn't be upset for my lateness but I knew she would be happy I cleaned up first before the celebration. By the time I arrived my mother was almost finished setting up.

"I'm sorry for being late comma Mother, I lost track of time." I explained.

"It's fine, just finish putting the rest of the food out and you are done. I must meet with your father so I will see when the ceremony begins." She promised, and walked away towards my father and the rest of the team.

I finished setting out the meat just in time for the celebration to start. The crowd had gone quiet when Sir Edward stood to inform us.

"My people," he started,"I am happy to announce that Sweden has agreed to join our team of allies!" The crowd rejoiced with happiness, at the sound of the good news.

"This all wouldn't be possible with out our very own Veronica McArthright." Capitalise the crowd cheered even louder for my mother. Everyone believed in her skills, all except Sir Arnold. Everyone sang our victory song to show their appreciation and respect. Victory song? Some more info on the culture and traditions would be useful

"Congratulations Mother, I knew things would turn out right."I beamed.

"Thank you so much, I really appreciate it." My mother glowed knowing she did a job well done.

As the celebration went on the more fun everyone had, and the less noticeable I became. How so? I made my way to the lake by the light of the full moon and found Peter laying on the grass.

"Do you mind if I sit here?" I joked.

"Oh, sorry didn't see you there. I was distracted. Congratulate your mother for me, she must be very proud of what she's done for our little village."

"She is. She's willing to do anything for the sake of the sake of her people." I explained. "But I want to hear about your long trip."I pleaded, and grabbed his giant hands in one of mine.

"What would you like to know." He smiled.

"Everything! What was Sweden like? What did it look like? How did the people sound?" I got on my knees with excitement. "I bet it was the most magnificent place dash or something next our own of course."


* The part that looks like giberish is actually written in Greek Or Italian I can't remember. If it's your writing you should know what languages the characters use, that you include. It's Gaelic actually - Irish, which would not have been used in Scotland. Neither would Greek or Italian, for that matter. If this is historical fiction than do some research on what kind of dialect they would have spoken in whatever area your characters are and use that, or just stick to English. Where did you get this, just out of curiosity?

A few things to pay attention to:
1. Commas
2. Dialogue - full stops after all not needed
3. Stop stating what charries are doing - show, emotion, characterisation
4. If they're all sirs, so supposedly knights, why are they living in cottages in a village? And if it's a big war and they're noblemen shouldn't they be fighting alongside James VI?
5. Spelling
6. Tenses
7. First person or third person narration?

This story has loads of potential, but it also needs a lot of work. Try practicing different styles of writing to have your words flow more easily, and stop having such similarly structured sentences. Definitely more characterisation and background necessary. Do some more research about the historical period you're writing about, I'd say, and watch out with modern things like jackets. Be consistent about whether it's first or third person narration, too, please, that part of the story is really ruined through your jumping back and forth between the two. Also, read over your work before submitting it, or have someone else do that, to avoid silly spelling mistakes and the like.

Work, work, work and you can definitely improve this loads, just don't give up Good luck!

Thanks for the help. As you can probably tell I'm really new to writing actual stories that aren't school related. In my opinion it was pretty good but I guess it could it could use some work. I actually did have two other people read through the story for me and they said it sounded great and it had potential, one of them actually recommended this website to me. About the language part I couldn't find a language to for Scotland so I just decided to use Gaelic. I had realized that the two options I had put at the bottom were probably not the right choices, and I should have went back and checked. I guess in my mind the way the story progressed made sense, but I didn't really think if it would to others.

Thanks again for the help.

Like I said, I think it has loads of potential, the idea's great, just needs some polishing Good luck, let me know if I can be of any more help, if you need more reviews or anything

Will do