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Removing "to be" from my lit paper



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Tue Apr 01, 2008 1:29 am
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Emerson says...



My lit professor is raising the bar for a good grade and as a result my brain is severely injured.

We are only allowed to use the verb to be and its various forms in four places. I currently have it in ten, and I am not finished with my paper. Would anyone like to help me find alternatives for most, if not all, of these strange things?

(1) Jim’s first loss of innocence is also the novel’s beginning conflict. [This is also my paragraph's topic sentence, which is terrible, so it may end up being scratched out entirely]

(2) Teenagers are characterized by acts of defiance and rebellion

(3) Both Antonia and her brother, Ambrosch, are thrust into a position of greater responsibility.

(4) . Jim’s decision shows that he actually defies the rumors that were spread about him,

(5) . Jim can no longer act like the child he once was now that he knows the pain of losing his parents and, as a consequence, the pain of losing his friends.

(6) ...instead Jim knows that life isn’t in his hands, but in God’s, and that he needn’t complain about where he is, or the tragedies that have come before this point in his life.

(7) Another situation where Jim loses his innocence, by his own hand instead of by fate’s, is when he goes out to the dances.

(8 ) He listens to his grandparents, loves them, and does what he is told.

(9) Now as a rebellious teenager, he makes the decision to go behind his grandparent’s back because he he knows they would not approve of him going to the dances, but it is something he would love to do.

I probably have others hiding in places. Some I fixed while going through it just now, and I'm sure I could fix some of these on my own, but I'm pulling my hair out...
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Tue Apr 01, 2008 2:13 am
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Azila says...



Hmm... I never really saw this as a problem, but whatever. Here are the only ones I could see a "remedy" to:

(2) Teenagers are characterized by acts of defiance and rebellion
This one's easy; just take it out of the passive voice! Example: "[person/group] characterizes teenagers by acts of defiance and rebellion."

(3) Both Antonia and her brother, Ambrosch, are thrust into a position of greater responsibility.
Here, again, you could take out the passive voice--or you could say something like "thrust into a position of greater responsibility, both Antonia and her brother, Ambrosch have to [do something]"

(4) . Jim’s decision shows that he actually defies the rumors that were spread about him,
You could take out the passive here, too.

(8 ) He listens to his grandparents, loves them, and does what he is told.
This one as well...

(9) Now as a rebellious teenager, he makes the decision to go behind his grandparent’s back because he he knows they would not approve of him going to the dances, but it is something he would love to do.
This doesn't make sense to me. XD But maybe you could say something like "...but he would love to do it." Also, why are there two "he"s before "knows"? Myst be a typo. ^_~

I don't know if this helps or not--pretty much, try getting rid of passive voice.

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Tue Apr 01, 2008 2:28 am
Emerson says...



It does! A lot.

The whole point of removing to be is to remove the passive voice--which I must not be able to spot in the least? Thank you so much Azila. Haha, that last sentence is really bad, isn't it? Wow. I'll have to reword that entirely before I worry about "to be" popping up!


I need to learn how to spot the passive voice better. Oy.
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Tue Apr 01, 2008 3:09 am
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Azila says...



Hehe. I was actually afraid that I was overlooking something, because I assumed that you'd find passive voice. :P

I'm glad I could help, anyway! Lol.

By the way, are you posting this paper in the forums? if so, tell me and I'll review it!
~Azila~
Last edited by Azila on Tue Apr 01, 2008 3:40 am, edited 1 time in total.
  





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Tue Apr 01, 2008 3:13 am
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niteowl says...



You could remove 7's with a little re-wording.

7) Another situation where Jim loses his innocence, by his own hand instead of by fate’s, is when he goes out to the dances.


Becomes:

Jim loses his innocence again, by his own hand instead of by fate's, when he goes out to the dances.

Unless you're also trying to avoid subject-verb starts, in which case you could do:

When Jim goes out to the dances, he loses his innocence again by his own hand instead of fate's. (Should "fate" be capitalized? I know sometimes it is, but I'm not sure in this context.)


6 is a pretty easy one. You could replace "is" with "stands" or something like that. As for the "isn't", you could do something similar, like "does not lay in his hands but in God's...".

With 1, you can kill two birds with one stone.

Jim's first loss of innocence, the novel's opening conflict, shows that [insert something important here].

Et voila! A better sentence with no to be. (or not to be, for that matter ;))

4's another passive voice thing. Change it to "the rumors that they spread about him." If you haven't already, you should specify "they". I just don't know who "they" are.

I'm not sure about 5, but you could do it like:

Now that Jim knows the pain of losing his parents, and, as a consequence, the pain of losing his friends, he can no longer act like a child.

There's an awful lot of commas though...perhaps explain the friends part in a new sentence?

With 8, you could get rid of the passive voice (although I think it makes sense) by changing it to "...does what they ask of him."

I got pretty good at this after my 10th grade Advanced Composition class. My teacher made it no more than three "being" verbs per paragraph, no more than two subject-verb starts per paragraph, and no two sentences could start with the same word. It improves your writing a lot. It does suck that you only have four "to be's" in the entire paper, though.

Happy editing!
Last edited by niteowl on Tue Apr 01, 2008 3:59 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Tue Apr 01, 2008 3:23 am
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Trident says...



Hey Suz, I don't quite understand the reasoning behind such an idea...

2. 3, 4, and 8 are really helping verbs, so they aren't really the main verbs of the sentence. They shouldn't really count.

1. The beginning of the novel's conflict can be characterized as Jim's first loss of innocence.

5. I see no other way to write this.

7. In another situation, Jim loses his innocence by his own hand instead of by fate's when he goes out to the dances.

9. ...but it is something he would love to do. ...even though he would love doing it.

That's all I've got. I would ask your teacher about helping verbs. It's not quite fair to have to omit them.
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Tue Apr 01, 2008 3:26 am
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Perra says...



Suzanne wrote:(5) . Jim can no longer act like the child he once was now that he knows the pain of losing his parents and, as a consequence, the pain of losing his friends.

"Jim can no longer act like his old childish self now that he...."
or
"Jim can no longer act like a child now that he...."


(6) ...instead Jim knows that life isn’t in his hands, but in God’s, and that he needn’t complain about where he is, or the tragedies that have come before this point in his life.

(7) Another situation where Jim loses his innocence, by his own hand instead of by fate’s, is when he goes out to the dances.

(8 ) He listens to his grandparents, loves them, and does what he is told.

(9) Now as a rebellious teenager, he makes the decision to go behind his grandparent’s back because he he knows they would not approve of him going to the dances, but it is something he would love to do.

I probably have others hiding in places. Some I fixed while going through it just now, and I'm sure I could fix some of these on my own, but I'm pulling my hair out...
  





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Tue Apr 01, 2008 3:47 am
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Snoink says...



Suzanne wrote:My lit professor is raising the bar for a good grade and as a result my brain is severely injured.

We are only allowed to use the verb to be and its various forms in four places. I currently have it in ten, and I am not finished with my paper. Would anyone like to help me find alternatives for most, if not all, of these strange things?


(1) Jim’s first loss of innocence is also the novel’s beginning conflict. [This is also my paragraph's topic sentence, which is terrible, so it may end up being scratched out entirely]

Jim's first loss of innocence begins the novel by introducing the conflict between [blah blah].

(2) Teenagers are characterized by acts of defiance and rebellion

Teenagers resort to defiance and rebellion because [blah blah]

(3) Both Antonia and her brother, Ambrosch, are thrust into a position of greater responsibility.

Because of the conflict, both Antonia and her brother, Ambrosch, must take on extra responsibilities.

(4) . Jim’s decision shows that he actually defies the rumors that were spread about him,

Jim's decision shows that he defies the rumors about him

(5) . Jim can no longer act like the child he once was now that he knows the pain of losing his parents and, as a consequence, the pain of losing his friends.

Jim can no longer act like a child anymore now that he knows... [blah blah]

(6) ...instead Jim knows that life isn’t in his hands, but in God’s, and that he needn’t complain about where he is, or the tragedies that have come before this point in his life.

...instead, Jim realizes that he cannot control his life and he shouldn't complain about his current situation or about the tragedies that have come before this point in his life.

(7) Another situation where Jim loses his innocence, by his own hand instead of by fate’s, is when he goes out to the dances.

Another situation where Jim loses his innocence occurs when he goes out to the dances.

(8 ) He listens to his grandparents, loves them, and does what he is told.

He listens to his grandparents, loves them, and follows their orders.

(9) Now as a rebellious teenager, he makes the decision to go behind his grandparent’s back because he he knows they would not approve of him going to the dances, but it is something he would love to do.

Yuck. That sentence is riddled with grammatical errors, besides that.

As a rebellious teenager, he makes the decision to go behind his grandparents' backs because, though he knows they would not approve of him going to dances, he wants to go because [blah blah]
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Tue Apr 01, 2008 10:34 am
Emerson says...



I somewhat understand the idea behind what he is having us do, Calvin, but yes, I'm throwing fits over helping verbs.

I love you people so much! But, no, Azila, I won't be posting it. It's due today and of course I do it the last day possible, because otherwise I don't get it done for lack of pressure?

Yuck. That sentence is riddled with grammatical errors, besides that.
Yes. :P My brain starts to melt after a while.

Really, though. I love you guys so much.
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