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The nins, hope you like it



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Thu Mar 04, 2010 6:35 pm
TayoGabriel10 says...



the nins

isabella
cynthia
linda
matilda
ashanti

rex
jasun
ricko
da silva

Story of aveiro gama da silva, A.K.A silver lightning, one of the Nins

DA Silva was born in a fa-vela in Rio DE Janeiro, Brazil, he was born to a poor family, he had nothing but a football, he dreamt that one day he would become a famous footballer and the whole world will know him. until a bad crisis happened, and his whole life changed.
It was his eleventh birthday, his mother bought him a football, he had always wanted a football, he was so excited that he went outside and started playing on the street. as he was playing a couple of traffickers saw him and went up to him, they started playing one touch pass football with him, he was excited, he thought they were scouts, so he started to show his skills, he did so much that eventually he ran out of energy, he went up to them to get his ball, as he tried to grab his ball the first one grabbed him and covered his mouth, while the other one took a potato sack and covered him with it. he did his best to yell but he was too weak. one of the traffickers took a stick and hit him on the head to make him fall asleep, it worked. they left with him. his mother came out looking for her son, but couldn't find him, days passed by. still no sign of him. his mother could not take it, that was her only child. she ran mad.
the traffickers kept da silva in an dark abandoned building. he was beating, and raped till he couldn't move, they locked him in a dark room. he cried and cried and cried but know one heard him. they locked him in there for days. then it came, he started hallucinating, he lost his mind, when he lost his mind was the they they found a buyer that wanted him. it was a huge black Brazilian woman. she said she wanted him. they sold him to her. she took him outside and saw that he was scared of the sun, due to the fact that he was in darkness for 3 months. she took of her shirt and wrapped it around him. when they got to her house she took him in and removed the clothe she had on him off. he looked around and saw that her room looked like a witch doctors house, she said to him, don't be scared, out of all the kids I have seen, you came to me in a dream. so I came looking for you. but he was so scared cause what he saw was not normal to him, he could see her, but he saw 7 more people. he said to her, who are the people behind you. she said, you can see them, good this are the souls that I have stolen from the bottom of hell. he was so scared he wanted to run away but he was too scared to move, one of the souls had a face that continually kept melting off. and the eyes kept bursting and regenerating. the spirit went up to him and said, don't be scared, you are in safe hands now. all the souls started to laugh. the brazillian lady said to the souls, shut up, the kept quiet, she then turned to him and said, son I will teach you all I know. and that anger you have in you, use it and unleash terror unto the world, one thing I shall tell you son, never forgive, cause evil never does. moo ha ha ha ha.
that is the story of da silva I have 8 more nins to go, if you think da silva's life was gory wait till you here Isabella's A.K.A, modern Jezebel. moo ha ha ha.

story of Isabella guerrero A.K.A modern Jezebel
  





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Thu Mar 04, 2010 6:52 pm
ScarlettFire says...



There are a few spelling mistakes, like 'know' when it should be 'no' and when you put a full stop, always start the first word of the next sentence with a capital letter.

Other than that. I liked this, even with the 'gory' bits. This one wasn't that bad though. I'm definitely reading more when you post it. :)
"With friends like you, who needs a medical license?" - Paimon, Aether's Heart


“It's easier to ask forgiveness than it is to get permission.” - Grace Hopper.
  





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Thu Mar 04, 2010 8:40 pm
GryphonFledgling says...



I was going to say something about the nearly run-on style, but it actually grew on me for this particular story. It just added something to it all.

One thing that would make it a bit easier to read would be to make sure all of your new sentences are capitalized. Without that, the eye reads much of it as one long sentence and it gets fatiguing.

The last little bit, where the woman is talking, seems like it should be in quotes, since it is dialogue.
moo ha ha ha ha.
Spelling this out seemed a little silly. Maybe "And then she chuckled." instead?

Overall, I liked this. Go through and check the capitalization on the first letters of sentences and of any other words that need to be capitalized (I do believe the was an uncapitalized "Brazilian" in there somewhere). And let me know when you continue this! I would like to read more!

~GryphonFledgling
I am reminded of the babe by you.
  








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