z

Young Writers Society


His Prey



User avatar
34 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 890
Reviews: 34
Sun Oct 08, 2006 6:09 pm
VampX13 says...



Before reading this I would like to note that in this story contains foul language and some mature content. So if you are not aloud to read that sort of thing or just do not like reading that sort of thing hit the "back" button.

If you are still here then I have one word for you: enjoy.

*EDITING:
Changed story from past to present tense.

------------------------------

Episode 1

"So what'd you do this summer?" Amanda asks you eagerly.

You stare at her blankly. She is a nice friend and all but you know she is only asking you this so you will have to ask her. She knows you've done nothing all summer but sit around really.

You had met up with friends but you aren't very popular in Sunnydale, California. You live in the suburbs and it was just like home except Amanda was the only one who'd come to visit you from Canada.

She was in California with her family. Her dad was racing some in CA and she decided to "drop in".

"Meet any cute Californian boys? Enh, enh?" Amanda gives you a little nudge.

You smile a bit, "No, not really. I haven't met much of anyone."

"Oh," says Amanda.

There was that awkward silence and then you ask the question you know Amanda was dying to be asked.

"So what did you do this summer?" you ask.

"Nothing really," Amanda replies.

You are stunned a moment. Amanda didn't meet any guys? Hmm… best investigate. "I thought you were going to London to meet that John guy," you say, "did you two do anything?"

At this Amanda's head droops to the cement sidewalk, "No. London isn't as great as they make it out to be," she replies.

"Oh," you say enabling the awkward silence again.

You thought maybe you'd ask Amanda about school and all your friends you'd left behind at Mayfield Secondary when you both hear a scream.

It came from down the street and you both immediately were startled by it. Amanda and you exchange a look and then start running toward the scream. The wind was whistling past your ears as you ran down the long street until you came to an alley.

You stand there for a moment and Amanda gives you a nudge and nods towards the alley, "you go in and –uh- I'll follow."

"No way," you reply. You are both whispering.

"Why not?" Amanda asks, "Scared?"


"Yeah," you reply, feet glued to cement. You both stand there for a moment.

"Okay," Amanda whispers and just as she takes a step out a person emerges from the shadows. He is taller than you and has bleached-blonde, curly hair. His eyes are dark blue, cold almost, and his lips are in a snarl.

You are paralysed with fear. As is Amanda who has one foot in the air in mid-step.

"Did you… scream?" Amanda asks the figure.

"No," he says as he raises an eyebrow, "would you like to?"

Amanda makes a loud gulping noise in reply.

"Who did scream then?" you pipe up.

"I don't know what you're talking about," he says and takes up a lit cigarette and inhales.

"There was a scream..." Amanda begins, drawling off, looking from the man to the alley.

"And it came from here," you finish.

"Really?" he says, "I didn't here anything." He has a slightly British accent or is it… Australian?

Amanda rushes past him and enters the shadows.

He smirks at you as he takes another breath of his lit cancer stick. "You want to play?" he asks.

"Play?" you question, "Listen, we're not here to get 'picked-up' if that's what you're getting at. Amanda! Let's go!"

He only continues to smile at you.

"Amanda!" you call again and rush into the alleyway after her.

It is very dark in the alley and you can just make out your hand if you hold it up in front of your face. "Amanda!" you shout. You wander in a bit deeper and then bump into something. You see, in the very dim and faded light of the moon, Amanda whose mouth is gaping open and whose eyes are concentrating on the paved floor.

You follow her stare to a body that is propped up against a wall. There is blood covering its neck. The dead corpse had once been an animated girl. She looks pretty young, maybe a bit older than you.

The guy has followed you back into the alleyway now and begins to also peer down at the body, "Well, well, well - what have we here?"

Amanda's mouth is still open and she is still frozen in the sight of the body.

You turn to this guy, whoever he is and say, "Did you kill her?" You realize how childish it sounds afterward but do not try to correct yourself.

You are so afraid you can barely breath and, looking at Amanda, you think she might've stopped everything altogether from talking to the beats of her heart.

The guy advances, "Maybe I did. Maybe I didn't. Which one do you think it is, pet? I'd ask your friend but she seems a little out of sorts at the moment."

"Go away," you say.

He smiles at this, advancing still, "Or what?".

Amanda mutters something and then a blast of light comes from the ground up into the middle of the alleyway. It is so blinding you have to shut your eyes and cover them. When the light disappears and your vision recovers, Amanda is standing there and the body is gone and so is the guy.

"Who was he?" you ask.

"I don't know," says Amanda, "but I don't think we should stay here and find out."

You nod.

Then the two of you make your way back to your house in complete silence.

When you get home you shuffle past your Grandma up to your room as fast as you can and Amanda, who is staying the night, follows. When you are both upstairs and done getting ready for a restless night you begin to think and recall everything that had happened.

You sit for a moment, gathering thoughts and trying to make sense of everything. Then you speak up, "where do you think that light came from?"

Amanda lays down and turns her back to you, "I don't know, Ashley. The ground? The whole thing was weird how do you expect me to know…
"That girl was killed."

"Maybe it was just a hallucination, something in the air," you state.

"No," Amanda says, "it's improbable for us to hallucinate the same thing. Isn't it?"

"I guess," you reply, "Well then, what was it?"

"A dead body," Amanda says.

"No," you argue, "I mean the whole thing. The guy, the light -- and they disappeared!"

"Maybe," Amanda says, "that guy has seen you around, knows your new, and thought it would be funny to play a trick on you so he dressed his girlfriend up in blood, told her to scream and made it look like she was dead. And then he took out a flashlight and shone it in our eyes to momentarily blind us and get away."

You pause a moment and think this over, although it doesn't sound likely (especially the flashlight bit) it seems the only explanation you have that is remotely logical.

You decide it will be best to drop the subject and just agree with Amanda. After all, she doesn't seem to want to talk about it. "I guess," you reply and lay down and turn your back to Amanda's, "Good-night."

"Night," Amanda mumbles, as you shut off your bedside light and close your eyes to sleep.

And all you can see is that face of the guy. The face of that… murderer?

------------------------------

Keep checking in for Episode 2...
Last edited by VampX13 on Mon Oct 09, 2006 9:12 pm, edited 1 time in total.
"I'm an actress, not a beauty." -from the movie, Stage Beauty
  





User avatar
171 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 890
Reviews: 171
Mon Oct 09, 2006 11:07 am
lexy says...



why write it as "you." That was confusing.
I couldn't relate to what the characters were gong through. Maybe writing it as "she" would have appealed more???
lexy x
  





User avatar
34 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 890
Reviews: 34
Mon Oct 09, 2006 4:41 pm
VampX13 says...



Oh. I find "you" or, I do believe it's called, second person narritive puts you more so in the story. Instead of reading about a character you are the character. I just find for fanfics it's a little more fun.

I didn't mean for it to be confusing. I will take that into account though.
"I'm an actress, not a beauty." -from the movie, Stage Beauty
  





User avatar
1259 Reviews

Supporter


Gender: Male
Points: 18178
Reviews: 1259
Mon Oct 09, 2006 5:54 pm
Firestarter says...



Second-person narrative in the past tense doesn't really work though -- it would be much better in present tense. ie. "you argue" etc.

Past tense doesn't work for second-person because if you're referring to me, I know I never did this, so it just becomes wrong, rather than fiction. It gets very confusing. So if you're going to attempt second-person, try making it all present tense! That would be better I think.
Nate wrote:And if YWS ever does become a company, Jack will be the President of European Operations. In fact, I'm just going to call him that anyways.
  





User avatar
34 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 890
Reviews: 34
Mon Oct 09, 2006 8:53 pm
VampX13 says...



Yeah, I can see how that would be confusing. Thanks for that correction.

Erp - this might take some crazy revising...
*Runs off to revise, like a good little Amanda.*
"I'm an actress, not a beauty." -from the movie, Stage Beauty
  








If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
— Mark Twain