Young Writers Society

Jordan and Misty are best friends and also witches attending they're third year at Smogwarts, The American school for witches, they plan for smooth sailing but things go wrong. Jordan quickly starts gaining popular status and the resident popular, Jessica Snape, isn't happy about it. So she tries to bring her down, so naturally Jordan turns to Misty. But Misty's long time crush is finally noticing her....in all the wrong ways. Jordan sees it but will her friend see it and help her with her problem or will things take a turn for the very worse?
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Chapter 1
Jordan adjusted her backpack as she got off the packed bus, as it pulled away the cheerleaders leaned out and shouted at her. “Jody the freaky rocker! Run home to your black music!”
She simply rolled her eyes and headed up “Lavender Lane.” She liked her style too much to let them bug her, today she had on a pair of jeans that were ripped in the knees and close to tearing from the knees down and her normal black converse. Her purple “Switchfoot” shirt was hidden under a black “Kutless” hoodie and her long straight red hair was in a pony tail. As she headed for home she felt like she was being fallowed. Derek…she muttered under her breath, the neighbor hood geek was in love with her and trailed her like a puppy. With a glare over her shoulder she put up her hood, but even after one block and turning onto “Deer run” she couldn’t shake the feeling. So she let her anger get the better of her. “DEREK! GO-”
She stopped mid sentence as she whirled around. In front of her was a tall skinny girl, white hair hid her eyes from the world. It went down to her waist and was straight until the tip were it went curly, all that was visible of her face was red lips that were smiling smugly. She was in a black tee-shirt with the “Deceived” emblem and a cross necklace and jeans identical to Jordan’s and purple converse. She scared everyone else but Jordan was glad to have a friend like her. “Misty, why didn’t you catch me when I got off the bus?”
Jordan asked exasperated. Her lips formed a cocky smile. “This was more fun.”
Her voice was light, almost musical. Jordan rolled her eyes and turned to continue on her way home, Melissa or Misty as Jordan called her fallowed with her hands in her pockets. Jordan didn’t know how she could take the rainy fall night with just short sleeves, then again Misty did some pretty amazing things. Last summer she had fallen on her skate bored into a brick wall and come out without so much as a scratch. “I take it your hanging with me tonight?”
Jordan asked, the girl nodded. She came from a dysfunctional home with a drunk step-dad and mom with problems, Jordan‘s parents were kind enough to let her sleep over when things got bad at home. And to top it off Misty was a witch, she and Jordan would be entering they’re fourth year at Smogwarts. The American school for wizards, they both had gotten they’re school things moths ago and the next day would take the train into Smogwarts. They walked up to Jordan’s house in silence. “MOM! I’M HOME! MISTY’S WITH ME!”
Jordan yelled before tramping upstairs with misty to her room. It was a small room painted blue, with a large bed in one corner, a nightstand, desk and stereo system that Jordan had saved for. “What CD?”
asked Jordan. Misty gave it some thought before plopping onto the bed and replying. “Hawk Nelson.”
Jordan nodded and put it in, she adjusted the volume before plopping onto her bed with Misty. “Ok, I have major news!”
Misty said, even though Jordan couldn’t see her eyes she knew they were sparkling. With a smile she encouraged her to go on by leaning forward. “Guess what Kyle asked me today!”
She said, Kyle was Misty’s long time crush. He also attended Smogwarts, Misty had been crushing on him since first year. He had black curly hair and brown eyes, but he was full of himself. He even walked with a slight swagger. “What?”
Jordan asked remembering there was a dance coming up. Misty adjusted before continuing. “He asked…”
Jordan nodded.
“If I knew who was teaching potions this year!”
She exclaimed clapping. Jordan sighed and gave a chuckle.
“What? At least he said something to me!”
Misty said giving Jordan a slight push. Jordan’s chuckles gave way to laughter, she fell back on the army bedspread. Misty’s head aimed upwards, Jordan could tell that she was rolling her eyes. Once she had recovered Jordan sat up.
“Sorry.” She said flicking her bangs away from her face, Misty smiled one of her forgiving smiles. All of a sudden there was a knock at the door and Jordan’s mom poked her head in.
“Hey girls. Extra sleeping bag?”
Jordan nodded her head. Her mom nodded back and held the door open for the tray of hot coco that floated over and lightly set on the bed. Jordan’s mom looked like the adult version of herself, with her red hair and green eyes plus small build. Just without bangs. Misty and Jordan each took a mug.
“Thanks miss Sullivan.”
Misty said, Mrs. Sullivan just nodded and left.
“Your mom is so cool.”
Misty said taking a sip of her coco, Jordan took a sip from her cup before answering. “You should see her on Taco night.”
Misty gave a long musical laugh, Jordan often wondered if she had some Veela in her. But either way she was her best friend.
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Chapter 2
Misty crept through the door, she had returned home to grab her bags. She tip toed across her dark, dingy trailer’s living room to her room. She closed the door as quietly as possible, her room was small with a bed and dresser. On top was a small boom box and pile of cds. She grabbed her wand from beside the stack and crossed the room to get her bag from the closet, grabbing her music and I-pod then stuffed them in. She then pointed her wand at the trunk at the foot of her bed and whispered “Leviosa!” The trunk rose and fallowed her out of the room and out her door. The Sullivan’s small station wagon was waiting with the trunk open, she set the trunk down inside and as quietly as possible shut it. She couldn’t afford to wake her parents, they didn’t approve of Smogwarts so she usually hoped they were out or on a hangover when she had to leave. “Everyone asleep?” Jordan asked as they drove away from the tiny trailer park and up the road toward the only train station in the small town. Misty nodded, with a sigh she set her bag on the seat beside her. “What did you get?” Jordan asked with a smile, she knew Misty didn’t want to talk about her parents and was grateful she didn’t push it. With a smile misty pulled her I-pod out. Jordan’s green eyes lit up, by the time they got to the train station they had listened to ALL the Hawk Nelson CDS Misty had. They walked to the ticket booth singing Switchfoot until they had to purchase tickets. The man at the booth looked ancient. Jordan and Misty place nine sickles on the counter then Misty made a two signal with her hand and the man handed over two “Smogwarts express” tickets with a smile. When they got to platform nine and three quarters Mrs. Sullivan gave them both a hug. “We’ll send your owls as soon as possible.” She said to them with a smile and small shove toward the train. They waved and watched the Sullivan’s disappear into the wall to head home, they then boarded the train. They had a little trouble getting to a empty compartment as Misty saw her head of house, Colt, and stopped to chat before Jordan Gave her a shove. Once there they plopped down with heavy sighs.

Chapter 3
Misty stirred in her sleep, it was dark outside and rain was pounding at the windows. Jordan was writing in her journal about her day at school. Dear diary, today sucked! Luckily I won’t have to go back though. I used to think this “Home school” thing was stupid until today. To start out I tripped over myself coming into school then of course the cheerleaders had to fallow me telling me about how unquardenated I am…. Then I got so mad that I wasn’t watching and ran into my Math teacher so of course I flunked that day’s test. Then at lunch I was sitting there minding my own business when the head cheerleader came over to tell me how my hair was a mess and how I needed a nose job, so I figured that I deserved a little revenge and I’d be gone anyway so I “Accidentally” spilled pudding over her head. Sure I got in major trouble but at least I got to see her getting laughed at for once. Jordan looked up as Misty stirred and muttered something about Kyle. Rolling her eyes at her friend’s Dreamy smile she went back to her diary. I can’t wait to get to smog warts! The food is always awesome and I actually have friends. But with friends come enemies………. Jessica Snape is mine. She hates me because my father was mean to her when they went to school together, I have told her I'm willing to put that behind us and be friends but she can hold a grudge very well. Either that or she's acting on her father's orders, I'm willing to bet on her father's orders. He teaches charms. All of a sudden the train started to slow, outside Jordan could see the castle, she was suddenly grateful Misty had insisted they put they're robes on before the train was 20 minutes away from home. She scribbled a "More later." Then put her diary away and shook Misty awake. The girl woke with a start. "What?!" She exclaimed. "We're here." Jordan said with a smile, her friend nodded and rubbed her eyes. "Good dreams?" Jordan asked remembering her muttering Kyle's name. A smile flickered across Misty's face as she nodded again and stood. The train had stopped and everyone was scribbling to get off, Jordan and Misty grabbed they're carry on bags and merged into the traffic and stepped off the train. The cold rain hit them with it's cold fingers, causing both to gasp, but they ducked they're heads and fallowed the flow into the hall of the giant castle. "home sweet home." Misty muttered rubbing her hands together, Jordan opened her mouth to answer but instead a cold voice answered from behind. "Almost." Jordan turned to find her least favorite person. Jessica Snape. The girl was tall and willowy, her red auburn red hair was up in a pony tail. Her brown eyes were narrowed and on her lips was a smirk, Jordan simply glared at her. Misty actually smiled, Jordan shot her a look but she paid no attention. "You know, you look really nice." She said stepping closer to the girl, Jessie gave her a questioning look but said nothing. "Aren’t you glad you got that nose job?" The students who had heard burst out laughing, as did Jordan.

CHAPTER 4
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"I can't believe you." Jordan was saying, she and Misty were in the Griffindor common room. Each in a armchair with smiles on they're faces and talking over what had happened just before the sorting, as soon as she'd been insulted Jessie had high tailed it out with her posse.
Throwing a glare over her shoulder, Misty was chilled to the bone by it. She didn't know why, Jessie regularly tossed around insults and glares but this one was different......
It was as though something had finally snapped, in her brown eyes Misty had seen a cold hatred. A promise....of revenge.
"What possessed you?" Jordan continued. Misty gave it some thought before replying. "I just wasn't in the mood for her antics. we'd just gotten here." Jordan gave a chuckle, her eyes were sparkling and she was tapping her fingers on the chair. "Jordan?" Misty said, frowning. She was all of a sudden worried for her friend. "Ya?" Jordan replied, face still alight. "Be careful, lay low for awhile." Jordan gave her friend a questioning look. "Why?" Misty sighed and sat back, wondering how to tell her. How to tell her about that look she had seen in Jessie's eyes, the look that promised revenge. "It's just that..." She hesitated, only going on when Jordan shrugged. "That glare she threw at us. Something was different." Jordan rolled her eyes and let out a exasperated breath. "She's always throwing us looks!" Misty simply shrugged, Jordan’s mind was made up and it would take more than Misty's say so to change her mind. So misty let it go but with a warning. "Jordan, just be careful." Jordan simply nodded. "Whatever you say." Misty knew she should let it go for now but she couldn't get rid of the feeling of worry for her friend. Even though it was her that had made the remark she knew Jessie would go for Jordan, thinking it was her fault for bringing her here. for showing her the way to her future, as a witch. Not as trailer park trash as her dad so often called her..........
Jordan and Misty both jumped as the door slammed open. Their fellow Griffindors poured in and formed a semi-circle around Misty, all shooting questions at her. "How'd you come up with that?!" "Are you nutters?!"
Secretly she was enjoying the attention but didn't want to show it, she held up a hand for quiet.
The whole room went so quiet that only the fire could be heard, it's flames causing shadows to dance around the room.
"One at a time." Misty said quietly.

Hello Kyrstalstars!

Being a HP lover I really was excited to see another 'Harry Potter' fanfictino on here, but I began to read and I noticed you have many, many spelling mistakes and it turned me off. Readers like to see correct spelling, it makes what we're reading easier to understand. So if you'd fix that up I'll take another look.

Good luck!

I'm so glad you liked it! Sorry about the spelling......
If i could just get the correct spelling?

Krystalstars wrote:If i could just get the correct spelling?

^ Copy and paste your stuff into Microsoft Word and run spell check. Or click on the "spell check" button right below the white box where you type your post, near the "preview", "submit", and "save as draft" buttons.

JUST corrected the errors!

Ok, you said you've corrected the spelling errors so I'll give it another go...

Chapter 1:

Jordan and Misty are best friends and also Witches attending

Witches doesn't need to be capitalized.

So she tries to bring her down, so naturally Jordan turns to Misty.

Too many 'so's in a sentence try using another connector word.

Ex.So she tries to bring her down and naturally John turns to Misty.

But Misty's long time crush is finally noticing her....in all the wrong ways. Jordan sees it but will her friend see it and help her with her problem or will things take a turn for the very worse?

I don't understand why theres a 'but' there. Does Misty's long time crush somehow effect Misty helping out her friend? If so you should make that clear. If not this needs a new beginning word.

**General Comment**
Do you have any paragraphs? It looks like this is all one long run-on paragraph and it makes it hard to read- another turn off. Especially the dialogue. Everytime a different person speaks you need a new paragraph of dialogue, and when someone is talking for along time you need paragraphs where required, skipping the end quotes on the end of each until they're done speaking.


In the rest I wasn't looking for grammatical errors but the whole of it seemed rather choppy and it moved too quickly. The plot seems like a dramazation. I'd suggest outlining what you want your plot to involve and then sketch out chapters according to the events.

I would review the rest but I have to go now...

Good luck!

Tropicana wrote:Ok, you said you've corrected the spelling errors so I'll give it another go...

Chapter 1:

Jordan and Misty are best friends and also Witches attending

Witches doesn't need to be capitalized.

So she tries to bring her down, so naturally Jordan turns to Misty.

Too many 'so's in a sentence try using another connector word.

Ex.So she tries to bring her down and naturally John turns to Misty.

But Misty's long time crush is finally noticing her....in all the wrong ways. Jordan sees it but will her friend see it and help her with her problem or will things take a turn for the very worse?

I don't understand why theres a 'but' there. Does Misty's long time crush somehow effect Misty helping out her friend? If so you should make that clear. If not this needs a new beginning word.

**General Comment**
Do you have any paragraphs? It looks like this is all one long run-on paragraph and it makes it hard to read- another turn off. Especially the dialogue. Everytime a different person speaks you need a new paragraph of dialogue, and when someone is talking for along time you need paragraphs where required, skipping the end quotes on the end of each until they're done speaking.


In the rest I wasn't looking for grammatical errors but the whole of it seemed rather choppy and it moved too quickly. The plot seems like a dramazation. I'd suggest outlining what you want your plot to involve and then sketch out chapters according to the events.

I would review the rest but I have to go now...

Good luck!

Thanks! I'll fix it when I can.

yeah there are still some spelling mistakes, but that was good, I'm a big HP fan and am also writing a story based on it. I thought it was really good, I'd like to read more, when you write it!

xlilxzox wrote:yeah there are still some spelling mistakes, but that was good, I'm a big HP fan and am also writing a story based on it. I thought it was really good, I'd like to read more, when you write it!

Thanks! If you liked this one read "The War path" by me as well!