Young Writers Society

Twilight descends, standing in the shadows,she waits. Will you return ? Will you die with her name on your lips?Gazing out wishing you were here with her,going in wishing she could see your face. Tears coursing down her face, she quickly wipes them away.Running to her message terminal she sees a message from you. Knowing your still alive she rejoice,but still she wonders Will you return ? Will you die with her name on your lips? She eagerly reads you message just seeing your word she fills with hope. She looks toward the temple ,your home, still longing for you,tears start flowing unchecked. Anakin she silently cries come back to me alive. She wonders, Will you return ? Will you die with her name on your lips?

Hey! I don't have much time, but briefly...

First of all, let me say: Very good mood you're building here. I like the repetition; it adds to the feel of the piece.

Alanna wrote:Twilight descends, standing in the shadows,she waits. Will you return ? Will you die with my name on your lips?

Some spacing issues here. Also, it might be effective to italicize the thoughts (select them and click the i button above the edit box.
Should read:
Twilight descends, standing in the shadows, she waits. Will you return? Will you die with my name on your lips?
See what I mean? There are some more issues of this kind all through the piece.

Gazing out wishing you were here with her,going in wishing she could see your face. tears coursing down her face, she quickly wipes them away.running to her message terminal she sees a message from you. Knowing your still alive she rejoice,but still she wonders Will you return ? Will you die with my name on your lips? she eagerly reads you message just seeing your word she fills with hope. She looks toward the temple your home still longing for you,tears start flowing unchecked. Anakin she silently cries come back to me alive. She wonders, Will you return ? Will you die with my name on your lips?

Always capitalize after a period. Watch out for those extra spaces!
What point of view is this prose? Are you talking to Anakin? To the reader? To Padmé? Make sure the point of view is consistent.
I think it's a great start; let me know when you revise it!
Cheers! ~Shafter