Young Writers Society

Darkness is your spirit, moonlight is your beauty.
Your story lies in the shadows. My fate is to live with this passion.
Still I long for release, for you and I. Arya my moonlit darkness you are my soul stay with us.
A Moon beam I can never have.
I want more.
I still long, for what can never be.
Be an elusive moon beam against my radiant sapphire.
A light in a dark filled world.
Arya a radiant light I want but can never have.
I've surrendered to this passion. I love you Arya Svit Kona even when you don’t want it.
Green eyes against my distant brown. A princess against my commoner. Arya Svit Kona light in my darkness. You can and have set me free.

I like your use of metaphors, it makes the piece very gripping and effective.

To Improve-
Maybe try re-arranging the piece to make it flow better as the part about the eyes could have been towards the beginning.

Great work.
Your name buddy,
Alainna XXXXXXXXXXX

Thanks, Name buddy.
Alanna

Very pretty, even though I don't like Eragon.

You could break this up better...I think...some of the lines are a bit too short while others are too long...don't ask me how to remedy this, as I havn't the foggiest.
Oh, I don't know, maybe its alright as it is.

Your vocabulary is very effective...

Alanna wrote:Darkness is your spirit, moonlight is your beauty.

And...

Alanna wrote:A Moon beam I can never have.
I want more.
I still long, for what can never be.
Be an elusive moon beam against my radiant sapphire.

Those bits were very well writ, thinks me.

-ShadowTwit

Thank You!!

Ok so this has gotten me more into the Eragon books. This was a very beautiful piece it flowed almost like poetry or something. I loved it. You should write more things like this. This has alot fo potential. You seem to be a very talented writer. I thankyou very much for posting this. You have made my day. If you have any questions or comments about this review or just want to chat please feel free to PM me. Keep Writing.
Maith adh,
Celticmusicgirl

I love your reference to Eragon. The fact that he is even mentioned here - awesome. And I love Arya. The whole entire story is pretty magical. Remove the periods, because it looks like a song, and songs generally don't have them. Maybe you can expand on this too. It's a little bit short. And remember that huge poem that Eragon had to recite in that festival in the elven city (was it called Farthen Dur?)? It was way longer than yours

I wonder what Arya would say to that poem! Although I am not into poetry. I must admit the art of it is very intersting. It is an art to admire.

First off I Love Eragon im so glad that somebody decided to post something about it well i guess i'll start my reveiw. so its a poem it shouldn't be placed as a short story it she be in in the poem section it colud be very misleading .so think this was a very good poem it should be reworded a bit to help it flow togather better but other than that it was a really good poem I hope to see more of your work check out some of my work some time if you can..see you soon********Jessig833********