Young Writers Society

It's very short, but I want to keep track of it, so I'm posting it here. No remarks on how short it is, please.
I've written it about five times, so I'm just going to post it and be done with it. Here goes!
Allegiances
Tribe - Healer Rockreader- small white tom with startling sapphire eyes
Apprentice Song of Crickets Chirping (Song)- pale orange she-cat

Prey - Hunters
Tree in Forest Glade (Tree)- brown and black dappled she-cat
Hawk With Seeing eyes (Hawk)- mottled brown tom
Leaf That Dapples Ground (Leaf)-Brown and white dappled she-cat, Tree's sister
Rain on Jagged Rocks (Rain)- black she-cat

Cave-Guards
Shadow of Boulders (Shadow)- strong, muscular gray tom
Squirrel That Climbs Trees (Squirrel)- wiry, light brown she-cat
Wind Where Birds Fly (Wind)- dark gray tom cat

Kit-Mothers
Dawn of Gentle Breeze (Dawn)- light reddish color, tinted with orange
Feather of Gentle Dove (Feather)- white with deep blue eyes

To- Bes
River Where Otters Play (River)- dark brown tom (prey hunter)
Thunder in the Storm (Thunder)- gray tom (prey hunter)
Snow of Winter Storm (Snow)- white like her mother, Feather (cave guard)



Prologue
The sound of screeching cats filled the air, mingling with the sound of the waterfall outside the cave. Rain was only a kit of three moons old, and already her mother, Feather, was fighting the outsiders. Her mother’s friend, Dawn, was taking care of her and the rest of the kits. The screeching faded, and she could hear the victorious caterwauls of the returning cats. Her mother came limping into the cave, her injured leg barely touching the ground. With a big sigh, she flopped down on the dusty cave floor just inside the entrance. She began licking her wounded leg, with the help of the mist from the waterfall. Rain's father, Wind, was nowhere to be seen.
"Your father will be here soon," Dawn said, gently drawing Rain closer to her with her tail.
Rockreader, the Tribe's leader and healer, was busy tending to the returning cat's wounds, as was his apprentice, Song. Feather rose to her paws and limped over to say something to Rockreader. There was a pained cry as Wind staggered into the cave, bleeding heavily.
"The outsiders have agreed to the boundaries, we-" He trailed off as he collapsed to the floor, and did not rise.
"Song, take care of Feather!" Rockreader ordered before snatching his herbs up and racing to Wind. He reached Wind, clutching his bundle of herbs. Nosing Wind onto his side, he exposed a long, deep scratch running across his belly. 'Hmm. This looks nasty. Wait a minute! He's got a piece of claw stuck in here! Tree, could you hold Wind still while I pull this free?" He tugged on the fragment of claw. As it came out, Wind groaned, but did not fully awaken.

Chapter 1
Rain paused on the rough stone that sloped down to become the grassy riverbank. She could scent vole and rabbit, but she let the to-be’s on the patrol with her to show off their skills.
“I smell vole!” River the, youngest of the patrol, piped up. “Rabbit, and eagle too.”
“Can you scent anything else?” Rain asked. “Like that mouse you just scared away?”
"Oops! Sorry!"
Rain sighed, wishing she had Thunder, instead of River. River tried hard, but he just could not be quiet! The patrol moved on, and River actually managed to stay quiet, until he stepped on a sharp rock.
"Oww! It hurts!"
"I know it hurts, now be quiet!" Hawk, the other member of the patrol snapped. "You're going to scare away all the prey!"
Rain stood stock still, waiting. There! The hawk swooped lower, closing in on the vole. With a screech, the mottled bird fell to Rain's claws.
"Wow! Can you teach me to do that?" River asked, awed.
"That's what I'm here for! When you see a vole, rabbit, or mouse, wait. An eagle will come down to catch it, and that's when you strike. Now, when the eagle died, all the prey in this area did too. Let's find a different spot."
As they trekked upriver, They passed the area where The Great Battle had taken place. Rain's father, Wind had nearly died fighting the outsiders. Now, the outsiders had moved away from the boundaries. Rain sighed, and pushed on.
The three cats came to a rocky area where eagles liked to roost.
"There's a rabbit over there, why don't you try to catch it?" Rain encouraged River.
River nodded, for once keeping quiet. He started prowling forward until Hawk hissed at him. An eagle screeched overhead, then plunged down for the kill. At the same time that it killed the rabbit, River killed it.
"Nicely done!"
Even Hawk acknowledged his catch with a nod.

Nice to see another peice!

ClimberSquirrel wrote:
Prologue
The sound of screeching cats filled the air. Rain was only a kit of three moons old, and already her mother comma Feather comma was fighting the outsiders. Her mother’s friend, Dawn, was taking care of her and the rest of the kit-mothers' kits, as well as her own. The screeching faded, and she could hear the victorious caterwauls of the returning cats. Her mother limped into the cave, her injured leg barely touching the ground. Her father, Wind, was nowhere to be found.
"Hush little one, your father will be here soon," Dawn said, gently drawing Rain closer to her with her tail.

I liked it! But maybe you should make it more detailed. Maybe put some descriptions of Rain's surroundings in. I also think it would be better if it were longer. Maybe you could also put some of the cats' descriptions in. I don't know anyone who starts a book, but reads the allegiances first. Maybe just quickly describe them.

ex. Rain paused on the rough stone, the sun shining brightly on her night black pelt. She peered down at the slope of stone that gradually became a grassy riverbank, searching for any signs of prey.

I think this story has potential, it just needs a little work.

Good job!


alicat

Sorry it took so long to reply, but thank you for your wonderful critique! I'll leave the allegiances up, just in case someone does read them! But yes, I will put in the description in the story as well. I remember now that Erin Hunter did the same thing. I've added a little, but not much.

Thanks once again for your critique!





-ClimberSquirrel

Hey!

Now it's time for a little harsher critique. Don't feel bad, I'm just going to point stuff out and make suggestions.

ClimberSquirrel wrote:It's very short, but I want to keep track of it, so I'm posting it here. No remarks on how short it is, please.
I've written it about five times, so I'm just going to post it and be done with it. Here goes!
Allegiances
Tribe - Healer Rockreader- small white tom with startling sapphire eyes
Apprentice Song of Crickets Chirping (Song)- pale orange she-cat

Prey - Hunters
Tree in Forest Glade (Tree)- brown and black dappled she-cat
Hawk With Seeing eyes (Hawk)- mottled brown tom
Leaf That Dapples Ground (Leaf)-Brown and white dappled she-cat, Tree's sister
Rain on Jagged Rocks (Rain)- black she-cat
Cave-Guards
Shadow of Boulders (Shadow)- strong, muscular gray tom
Squirrel That Climbs Trees (Squirrel)- wiry, light brown she-cat
Wind Where Birds Fly (Wind)- dark gray tom cat
Kit-Mothers
Dawn of Gentle Breeze (Dawn)- light reddish color, tinted with orange
Feather of Gentle Dove (Feather)- white with deep blue eyes
To- Bes
River Where Otters Play (River)- dark brown tom (prey hunter)
Thunder in the Storm (Thunder)- gray tom (prey hunter)
Snow of Winter Storm (Snow)- white like her mother, Feather (cave guard)
Prologue
The sound of screeching cats filled the air, mingling with the sound of the waterfall outside the cave. Rain was only a kit of three moons old, and already her mother, Feather, was fighting the outsiders. Her mother’s friend, Dawn, was taking care of her and the rest of the kit-mothers' kits, as well as her own. The screeching faded, and she could hear the victorious caterwauls of the returning cats. Her mother limped into the cave, her injured leg barely touching the ground as her face expressed the apparent pain. Her father, Wind, was nowhere to be found. Okay, how would she know that her father was no where to be found. Maybe he was still outside, on his way in. Make sure to add that he was nowhere to be seen in the cave.
"Hush little one, your father will be here soon," Dawn said, gently drawing Rain closer to her with her tail.
Rockreader, the Tribe's leader and healer, was busy tending to the returning cat's wounds. His apprentice, Song, was also tending to the cats. Her mother rose to her paws and padded over to say something to Rockreader. There was a pained cry as Wind staggered into the cave, bleeding in many places. ? the "bleeding in many places" just sounds odd. maybe something like : A sharp cry of pain echoed throughout the cave as Wind limped in, his normally dark grey pelt was black with fresh blood. There was no doubt that most of it was his own.
"The outsiders have agreed to the boundaries, we-" He trailed off as he collapsed to the floor, and did not rise.
Rockreader raced over to him, calling over his shoulder as he went, "Song, take care of Feather!" He reached Wind, clutching his bundle of herbs. " Where are you hurt?"
Gasping, Wind replied "I've got a bad bite here, on my shoulder. And here, there's a scratch running down my flank." Wind gasped again as the juice was squeezed onto his wounds.
I really don't think that a cat that has collapsed will be able to respond when the Healer asked him about his wound. I doubt he'd even be concious if he had collapsed like he did. Also, you said he was "bleeding in many places" so chances are that he would have more than two concerning scratches.
"Can't have our strongest Cave-Guard injured, now can we?"

This prologue seems a little rushed. You want the reader to upset when a character dies or gets hurt. Reading this, I'm like, "So what if a bunch of mountain cats die? Why should I care what happens to them?" You should maybe set this story up a few moons before the battle to get the reader fond of the cats they are reading about. That, or cut this out completely. If all of the main cats are going to be okay, why have this in there. Make the prologue be something like: Rain is talking to her friends and they begin discussing the big battle, thing.

Chapter 1
Rain paused on the rough stone that sloped down to become the grassy riverbank. She could scent vole and rabbit, but she let the to-be’s on the patrol with her to show off their skills.
“I smell vole!” River the, youngest of the patrol, piped up. “Rabbit, and eagle too.”
“Can you scent anything else?” Rain asked. “Like that mouse you just scared away?”
"Oops! Sorry!"
Rain sighed, wishing she had Thunder, instead of River. River tried hard, but he just could not be quiet! The patrol moved on, and River actually managed to stay quiet, until he stepped on a sharp rock.
"Oww! It hurts!"
"I know it hurts, now be quiet!" Hawk, the other member of the patrol snapped. "You are going to scare away all the prey!"
Rain stood stock still, waiting. There! The eagle swooped lower, closing in on the vole. With a screech, the mottled eagle fell to Rain's talons. Talons? Wouldn't they be claws, since she's a cat.
"Wow! Can you teach me to do that?" River asked, awed.
"That's what I'm here for! When you see a vole, rabbit, or mouse, wait. An eagle will come down to catch it, and that's when you strike. There's a rabbit over there, why don't you try to catch it?"
River nodded, for once keeping quiet. He started prowling forward until Rain hissed at him. A hawk screeched overhead, then plunged down for the kill. At the same time it killed the rabbit, River killed it. VERY rushed! detail more about the attack and how a small to-be killed a BIG hawk by herself. Didn't it take more than one cat to kill a large bird of prey in the books? River is probably only a couple of pounds at the most, and some types of hawks can lift a 12 pound cat into the air. She simply couldn't have done it herself!
"Nicely done!"
Even Hawk acknowledged his catch with a nod.

As I stated before, there needs to be a LOT more detail and explanation. This all seems so rushed! Not like it took you a while to write it. I know it's early in the story, but I don't see a plot. I just sounds like your narrating her life. Kinda bland with the lack of detail.

Don't get defensive, please! I've just pointed out simple things that I noticed. I can't wait to read more!

XOXO
Ali

I noticed that you jumped right from when Rain was a kit to when s/he was old enough to be teaching another kit. Was there a reason for that? It seemed to fast froward the story a lot and disorientated me at first. Also, are you planning on updateing us on whether or not the dad lives soon? Not a problem, but you left a cliffhanger (as I suspect you meant to) and I want to know! As was said before more discription would help, but you have a good story going on here. Keep it up!

ClimberSquirrel wrote:It's very short, but I want to keep track of it, so I'm posting it here. No remarks on how short it is, please.
I've written it about five times, so I'm just going to post it and be done with it. Here goes!
Allegiances
Tribe - Healer Rockreader- small white tom with startling sapphire eyes
Apprentice Song of Crickets Chirping (Song)- pale orange she-cat

Prey - Hunters
Tree in Forest Glade (Tree)- brown and black dappled she-cat
Hawk With Seeing eyes (Hawk)- mottled brown tom
Leaf That Dapples Ground (Leaf)-Brown and white dappled she-cat, Tree's sister
Rain on Jagged Rocks (Rain)- black she-cat
Cave-Guards
Shadow of Boulders (Shadow)- strong, muscular gray tom
Squirrel That Climbs Trees (Squirrel)- wiry, light brown she-cat
Wind Where Birds Fly (Wind)- dark gray tom cat
Kit-Mothers
Dawn of Gentle Breeze (Dawn)- light reddish color, tinted with orange
Feather of Gentle Dove (Feather)- white with deep blue eyes
To- Bes
River Where Otters Play (River)- dark brown tom (prey hunter)
Thunder in the Storm (Thunder)- gray tom (prey hunter)
Snow of Winter Storm (Snow)- white like her mother, Feather (cave guard)
Prologue
The sound of screeching cats filled the air, mingling with the sound of the waterfall outside the cave. Rain was only a kit of three moons [s]old[/s], and already her mother[s],[/s] Feather, was fighting the outsiders. Her mother’s friend, Dawn, was taking care of her and the rest of the [s]kit-mothers'[/s] kits[s], as well as her own[/s] We will assume she's taking care of her own as well; you don't have to tell us.. The screeching faded, and she could hear the victorious caterwauls of the returning cats. Her mother limped into the cave, her injured leg barely touching the ground. Her father, Wind, was nowhere to be found.
"Hush little one, But Rain didn't say anything yet. your father will be here soon," Dawn said, gently drawing Rain closer to her with her tail.
Rockreader, the Tribe's leader and healer, was busy tending to the returning cat's wounds. His apprentice, Song, was also tending to the cats. Hmm, this sounds choppy, maybe say Rockreader and his apprentice were tending to the returning cats or somthing. Her mother rose to her paws and padded over to say something to Rockreader. There was a pained cry as Wind staggered into the cave, bleeding in many places. instead of "in many places" try "heavily" it makes it flow better
"The outsiders have agreed to the boundaries, we-" He trailed off as he collapsed to the floor, and did not rise.
Rockreader raced over to him, calling over his shoulder as he went, "Song, take care of Feather!" He reached Wind, clutching his bundle of herbs. Hm, he was just talking, and the only way he can carry herbs is in his mouth. You may want to rethink this part. " Where are you hurt?"
Gasping, Wind replied "I've got a bad bite here, on my shoulder. And here, there's a scratch running down my flank." Wind gasped again as the juice was squeezed onto his wounds. This part doesn't make sense. He just collapsed; he shouldn't be talking, he should be unconscious. And if he's bleeding I think ROckreader can see for himself where it's coming without having to ask, or I have to question his intelligence.
"Can't have our strongest Cave-Guard injured, now can we?"



Chapter 1
IS there any particular reason you jumped right from when Rain was a kit to when she's old enough to be training to-bes? It makes the story feel rushed, and I don't like it.
Rain paused on the rough stone that sloped down to become the grassy riverbank. She could scent vole and rabbit, but she let the to-be’s on the patrol with her to show off their skills.
“I smell vole!” River the, youngest of the patrol, piped up. “Rabbit, and eagle too.”
“Can you scent anything else?” Rain asked. “Like that mouse you just scared away?”
"Oops! Sorry!"
Rain sighed, wishing she had Thunder[s],[/s] instead of River. River tried hard, but he just could not be quiet! The patrol moved on, and River actually managed to stay quiet, until he stepped on a sharp rock.
"Oww! It hurts!"
"I know it hurts, now be quiet!" Hawk, the other member of the patrol snapped. "You are going to scare away all the prey!"
Rain stood stock still, waiting. There! The eagle swooped lower, closing in on the vole. What vole? With a screech, the mottled eagle fell to Rain's talons. You need more detail here. One second he's diving and the next Rain killed him. And for that matter, how did one prey-hunter manage to take a down a grown hawk? In the book it takes at least three.
"Wow! Can you teach me to do that?" River asked, awed.
"That's what I'm here for! When you see a vole, rabbit, or mouse, wait. An eagle will come down to catch it, and that's when you strike. There's a rabbit over there, why don't you try to catch it?"
River nodded, for once keeping quiet. He started prowling forward until Rain hissed at him. A hawk screeched overhead, then plunged down for the kill. At the same time it killed the rabbit, River killed it. This isn't very likely. Hawks don't live together; they defend their territory against other hawks fiercely. The chance of another hawk being five tail-lengths away without being attacked is slim. Even slimmer though, is the chances of the tribe's youngest to-be killing a hawk, unless it was blind, deaf, and crippled.
"Nicely done!"
Even Hawk acknowledged his catch with a nod.

Okay, with the nit-picks out of the way. This is a decent story, and it has a lot of potential. However, and please don't take this the wrong way, it could use some work first. It's very compacted, and there's little detail. I don't have a clue what the territory looks like. I don't even know what season it is yet. I would assume they're in the mountains, so I'm a little confused as to why there's a river and bank in their territory. When writing you need to use all the senses. They should feel the cold mountain air, and the rough rocks underneath their pads, they should scent everything, the plants, their fellow tribe mates, the prey. Rain can taste the hawk's blood and feathers as she bite sinto the back of its neck. Things like that. A story without detail is boring.

Also, a few of the things in here are pretty much impossible, or need to be rephrased. I pointed them all out though.

There were several other things I noticed, but AliCat pointed them all out in her earlier review. She's a godo writer and she knows what she's talking about, especially when it comes to Warriors. Listen to her.

Like I said, this has a lot of potential and seems like a solid start. I'm sorry if I sound harsh but I just want to help you make this story the best it can be, and if you take into mind the things I've said I think it will be a great story.

In the books, for example Firestar's Quest, the prologue has it taking place in the forest WAY before the cats in the forest now. That's why i skipped ahead. I'm not telling what happens to Wind, you have to read and find out when I post more. (No time now)

What do you mean? Firestar's quest occurs in the gap between the 1st and 2nd series. But the Prologue takes place during a gathering in ancient times. It's when they banish SkyClan from the forest. This helps the story progress and is quite important.
In your story, the prologue takes place at the beginning of the cat's life and then, in Chapter 1 it switches to when she's about a year and a half old. That's a difference of about 15 moons! It just seems unessesary to describe (I use this word loosly) the battle. Maybe you should just have cats talk about it later in the story.
I don't really think that your story can be compared to Firestar's Quest, mainly because the length between the prologue and the 1st chapter in the novel is many, many seasons and many, many cat's lives. If you look at the way the cats behave, they can't even remember when there were 5 Clans. The knoledge couldn't even have been pased down from generation to generation. But in your story, the length in your story is only a portion of one cat's life.
I just think you should re-think the setting of the prolgue.

XOXO
Ali

*sighs* My dear Jamie, what am I going to do with you?

What vole?

It says so in the story.

She could scent vole and rabbit

NOW do you get it? (Sorry if I sound rude.)

In the books, there is a river that leads to the waterfall, which behind said waterfall, the Tribe makes their home. There is a bank by the river, and that is where the cats put mud on their fur.

Like you pointed out, it's in the mountains, and I'm not sure what the Tribe call the seasons.

Does that answer all your questions?


-ClimberSquirrel

(P.S. I added more to the story.)

Um, ClimberSquirrel, if you look at her review, she was referring to the 11th line in Chapter 1, where you stated: " The eagle swooped lower, closing in on the vole." She probably meant that there was no sighting of the vole prior to the "swooping". I believe that she meant that you should make a mention of the vole being seen.

Example:
Rain twitched her whiskers as the vole emerged from the shelter of a scraggly thorn bush. Her paws itched to advance forward and sink her claws into its soft flesh, but she knew that leaving it for the bird would be best.

Something like that.

Sorry, I just can't help myself:

ClimberSquirrel wrote:It's very short, but I want to keep track of it, so I'm posting it here. No remarks on how short it is, please.
I've written it about five times, so I'm just going to post it and be done with it. Here goes!
Allegiances
Tribe - Healer Rockreader- small white tom with startling sapphire eyes
Apprentice Song of Crickets Chirping (Song)- pale orange she-cat

Prey - Hunters
Tree in Forest Glade (Tree)- brown and black dappled she-cat
Hawk With Seeing eyes (Hawk)- mottled brown tom
Leaf That Dapples Ground (Leaf)-Brown and white dappled she-cat, Tree's sister
Rain on Jagged Rocks (Rain)- black she-cat
Space
Cave-Guards
Shadow of Boulders (Shadow)- strong, muscular gray tom
Squirrel That Climbs Trees (Squirrel)- wiry, light brown she-cat
Wind Where Birds Fly (Wind)- dark gray tom cat
space
Kit-Mothers
Dawn of Gentle Breeze (Dawn)- light reddish color, tinted with orange
Feather of Gentle Dove (Feather)- white with deep blue eyes
space
To- Bes
River Where Otters Play (River)- dark brown tom (prey hunter)
Thunder in the Storm (Thunder)- gray tom (prey hunter)
Snow of Winter Storm (Snow)- white like her mother, Feather (cave guard)
a space or two
Prologue
The sound of screeching cats filled the air, mingling with the sound of the waterfall outside the cave. Rain was only a kit of three moons old, and already her mother, Feather, was fighting the outsiders. Her mother’s friend, Dawn, was taking care of her and the rest of the kits. The screeching faded, and she could hear the victorious caterwauls of the returning cats. Her mother came limping into the cave, her injured leg barely touching the ground. With a big sigh, she flopped down on the dusty cave floor just inside the entrance. She began licking her wounded leg, with the help of the mist from the waterfall. Rain's father, Wind, was nowhere to be [s]found[/s]. seen
"Your father will be here soon," Dawn said, gently drawing Rain closer to her with her tail.
Rockreader, the Tribe's leader and healer, was busy tending to the returning cat's wounds, as was his [s]apprentice[/s] as I recall, they don't use this term in the book. Use "to-be", Song. Her mother Who's mother? you need to specify. rose to her paws and limped over to say something to Rockreader. There was a pained cry as Wind staggered into the cave, bleeding heavily. Good Job!
"The outsiders have agreed to the boundaries, we-" He trailed off as he collapsed to the floor, and did not rise.
"Song, take care of Feather!" Rockreader ordered before snatching his herbs up and racing to Wind. He reached Wind, clutching his bundle of herbs. Nosing Wind onto his side, he exposed a long, deep scratch running across his belly. 'Hmm. This looks nasty. Wait a minute! He's got a piece of claw stuck in here! Tree, could you hold Wind still while I pull this free?" He tugged on the fragment of claw. As it came out, Wind groaned, but did not waken. If he's unconscious, I doubt he'd be able to groan. He'd probably just lie there, silent and unmoving.

Chapter 1
Rain paused on the rough stone that sloped down to become the grassy riverbank. She could scent vole and rabbit, but she let the to-be’s on the patrol with her to show off their skills.
“I smell vole!” River the, youngest of the patrol, piped up. “Rabbit, and eagle too.”
“Can you scent anything else?” Rain asked. “Like that mouse you just scared away?”
"Oops! Sorry!"
Rain sighed, wishing she had Thunder, instead of River. River tried hard, but he just could not be quiet! The patrol moved on, and River actually managed to stay quiet, until he stepped on a sharp rock.
"Oww! It hurts!"
"I know it hurts, now be quiet!" Hawk, the other member of the patrol snapped. "You're going to scare away all the prey!"
Rain stood stock still, waiting. There! The hawk swooped lower, closing in on the vole. With a screech, the mottled bird fell to Rain's claws.
"Wow! Can you teach me to do that?" River asked, awed.
"That's what I'm here for! When you see a vole, rabbit, or mouse, wait. An eagle will come down to catch it, and that's when you strike. Now, when the eagle died, all the prey in this area did too. What?! I don't understand. Did all of the prey die or were they scared away. If they were just scared away, state that. Don't say they died And if they did die, explain to me how, because it doesn't seem that probable.. Let's find a different spot."
As they trekked upriver, They passed the area where [s]the battle[/s] The Great Battle. Give it a name like that, so that it doesn't seen like a simple tussle with loners. had taken place. Rain's father, Wind had nearly died fighting the outsiders. Now, they had moved away from the boundaries. Who are they? The mountain cats, or the outsiders? Rain sighed, and pushed on.
The three cats came to a rocky area where eagles liked to roost.
"There's a rabbit over there, why don't you try to catch it?" Rain encouraged River.
River nodded, for once keeping quiet. He started prowling forward until Hawk hissed at him. An eagle screeched overhead, then plunged down for the kill. At the same time that it killed the rabbit, River killed it. Once again, this doesn't make a scrap of sense. As been stated multiple times, it takes at least three cats to weigh the thing down. That cat is only a few pounds!!! This is one of the most nagging issues for me and I think in order for this story to make sense, this has to be changed. ASAP
"Nicely done!"
Even Hawk acknowledged his catch with a nod.

You still haven't addressed the issue of the large birds and how they can be killed by a 2 or 3 pound cat. That NEEDS to be changed. Also, I'd think that more than just three cats would be sent out to hunt. At least five I'd think. Three or four to weigh it down and one to kill it.

This is all I have time for, for now. But I’ll be back on soon for further critiques.

XOXO
Ali

Okay, Okay! Sheesh, someones touchy!

as I recall, they don't use this term in the book. Use "to-be"

Well, they normally do. In Outcast, however, tribe cat says something like: "Stoneteller only chooses an apprentice when he gets older." something like that. I'm not sure, but it might have been a typo...

What?! I don't understand. Did all of the prey die or were they scared away. If they were just scared away, state that. Don't say they died And if they did die, explain to me how, because it doesn't seem that probable.

I edited this at ten o'clock. And, my grandpa had just died.... So, I was bound to make mistakes.

I don't have time to fix the "not enough cats" thing. It involves adding cats in, deciding who will help, and I am too exhausted to do that right now.





-ClimberSquirrel

ClimberSquirrel wrote:It's very short, but I want to keep track of it, so I'm posting it here. No remarks on how short it is, please.
I've written it about five times, so I'm just going to post it and be done with it. Here goes!
Allegiances
Tribe - Healer Rockreader- small white tom with startling sapphire eyes
Apprentice Song of Crickets Chirping (Song)- pale orange she-cat

Prey - Hunters
Tree in Forest Glade (Tree)- brown and black dappled she-cat
Hawk With Seeing eyes (Hawk)- mottled brown tom
Leaf That Dapples Ground (Leaf)-Brown and white dappled she-cat, Tree's sister
Rain on Jagged Rocks (Rain)- black she-cat

Cave-Guards
Shadow of Boulders (Shadow)- strong, muscular gray tom
Squirrel That Climbs Trees (Squirrel)- wiry, light brown she-cat
Wind Where Birds Fly (Wind)- dark gray tom cat

Kit-Mothers
Dawn of Gentle Breeze (Dawn)- light reddish color, tinted with orange
Feather of Gentle Dove (Feather)- white with deep blue eyes

To- Bes
River Where Otters Play (River)- dark brown tom (prey hunter)
Thunder in the Storm (Thunder)- gray tom (prey hunter)
Snow of Winter Storm (Snow)- white like her mother, Feather (cave guard)



Prologue
The sound of screeching cats filled the air, mingling with the sound of the waterfall outside the cave. Rain was only a kit of three moons old, and already her mother, Feather, was fighting the outsiders. Her mother’s friend, Dawn, was taking care of her and the rest of the kits. The screeching faded, and she could hear the victorious caterwauls of the returning cats. Her mother came limping into the cave, her injured leg barely touching the ground. With a big sigh, she flopped down on the dusty cave floor just inside the entrance. She began licking her wounded leg, with the help of the mist from the waterfall. Rain's father, Wind, was nowhere to be seen.
"Your father will be here soon," Dawn said, gently drawing Rain closer to her with her tail.
Rockreader, the Tribe's leader and healer, was busy tending to the returning cat's wounds, as was his apprentice, Song. Feather rose to her paws and limped over to say something to Rockreader. There was a pained cry as Wind staggered into the cave, bleeding heavily.
"The outsiders have agreed to the boundaries, we-" He trailed off as he collapsed to the floor, and did not rise.
"Song, take care of Feather!" Rockreader ordered before snatching his herbs up and racing to Wind. He reached Wind, clutching his bundle of herbs. Nosing Wind onto his side, he exposed a long, deep scratch running across his belly. 'Hmm. This looks nasty. Wait a minute! He's got a piece of claw stuck in here! Tree, could you hold Wind still while I pull this free?" He tugged on the fragment of claw. As it came out, Wind groaned, but did not fully awaken. That's much better.

Chapter 1
Rain paused on the rough stone that sloped down to become the grassy riverbank. She could scent vole and rabbit, but she let the to-be’s on the patrol with her to show off their skills.
“I smell vole!” River the, youngest of the patrol, piped up. “Rabbit, and eagle too.”
“Can you scent anything else?” Rain asked. “Like that mouse you just scared away?”
"Oops! Sorry!"
Rain sighed, wishing she had Thunder, instead of River. River tried hard, but he just could not be quiet! The patrol moved on, and River actually managed to stay quiet, until he stepped on a sharp rock.
"Oww! It hurts!"
"I know it hurts, now be quiet!" Hawk, the other member of the patrol snapped. "You're going to scare away all the prey!"
Rain stood stock still, waiting. There! The hawk swooped lower, closing in on the vole. With a screech, the mottled bird fell to Rain's claws. Okay, I understand that the cats can scent vole, but cats have a good sense of smell. Smelling and seeing are two different things.
"Wow! Can you teach me to do that?" River asked, awed.
"That's what I'm here for! When you see a vole, rabbit, or mouse, wait. An eagle will come down to catch it, and that's when you strike. Now, when the eagle died, all the prey in this area did too. Let's find a different spot." I don't get it; how did all the other prey die? This part doesn't really make sense. You might want to clarify.
As they trekked upriver, They passed the area where The Great Battle had taken place. Rain's father, Wind had nearly died fighting the outsiders. Now, the outsiders had moved away from the boundaries. Rain sighed, and pushed on.
The three cats came to a rocky area where eagles liked to roost.
"There's a rabbit over there, why don't you try to catch it?" Rain encouraged River.
River nodded, for once keeping quiet. He started prowling forward until Hawk hissed at him. An eagle screeched overhead, then plunged down for the kill. At the same time that it killed the rabbit, River killed it. Like I said last time, on e full grown cave-gaurd couldn't kill an eagle alone, a hawk maybe, but definitely not an eagle. And if a full grown cat can't kill one alone then an apprentice definitely can't.
"Nicely done!"
Even Hawk acknowledged his catch with a nod.

Okay, most of what I said earlier still aplies to this, though you've definitely improved several parts. The hunting trip still needs to be edited becuase unless these are some super breed of cats they would need all three of them, or at least Rain and Hawk , to gang up on the eagle to kill it. An apprentice couldn't kill one by himself, and certainly not on the first try.

Other than that it's a solid start, Sorry if I sound harsh, but I'm trying to help.

I understand. However, adding in more cats to do the hunt takes a lot of concentration and time, neither of which I have much of. It involves creating more cats, or choosing certin cats to do this, and which to leave so they can do that... For some reason, I keep waking up at two in the morning, and that leaves me tired, and I can't concentrate on anything. For instance, I keep forgetting to make uppercase letters for the word 'I,' or whenever I use a comma, I capitalize the first word after it. I will fix the hunting thing, but not now.

I don't get it; how did all the other prey die? This part doesn't really make sense. You might want to clarify.

That's another example of how tired I am. It's supposed to say: "Now when the eagle died, he let out a screech. All the prey heard that, and it frightened them away."

Thanks for your critiques!






-ClimberSquirrel

You should model a character on your cat. Kyte's told me about it.

ClimberSquirrel wrote:I understand. However, adding in more cats to do the hunt takes a lot of concentration and time, neither of which I have much of. It involves creating more cats, or choosing certin cats to do this, and which to leave so they can do that... For some reason, I keep waking up at two in the morning, and that leaves me tired, and I can't concentrate on anything. For instance, I keep forgetting to make uppercase letters for the word 'I,' or whenever I use a comma, I capitalize the first word after it. I will fix the hunting thing, but not now.

Then when? Answer me that. Because I'm getting tired of trying to help you, when my advice falls on deaf ears.

ClimberSquirrel wrote:

I don't get it; how did all the other prey die? This part doesn't really make sense. You might want to clarify.

That's another example of how tired I am. It's supposed to say: "Now when the eagle died, he let out a screech. All the prey heard that, and it frightened them away."

Then change it to that! It doesn't take that long. If you're not going to take the advise of your critiques, then don't put it for a critique. It's that simple.

Maybe instead of posting on the Randomness boards so much, just sit down and fix your story. Either that, or take it off. This is a site where you can post your work and have your peers critique it, which means that, inevitably, they are going to point out flaws. Please, take what I've said to heart.

Ali