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The Oracle's



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Gender: Male
Points: 890
Reviews: 15
Wed Apr 08, 2009 12:45 am
DSF says...



Okay so... i have been very much in a Naruto mood latley and I was bored and had an idea so here is the beginning. I have tried to write a Naruto Fanfic before and have never found it easy but this went much better in my opinion!

Prelude

Dozens of candles lined the walls of the circular room. Ornate bowls of burning incense and containers filled with smoking meat were set out all over the floor. The smoke rose into the air, billowing and dancing in large white clouds before flittering out through the large windows and openings. The room was dome shaped, there were few walls, instead pillars supported the roof allowing a spacious view of the surrounding area.
The domed building was set on a high hill, surrounded by stone walls and large towers that allowed those inside to see anyone who was approaching from miles away. The building itself was a piece of artwork. Golden thread had been woven into the numerous tapestries that ordained the walls and thin gold leaf had been pounded into the dome itself. Intricate symbols and designs had been carved into almost every surface, and even the floor itself had been set with marble and jewels which glowed when they caught the light.
Three white robed figures stood inside the dome building, the end of their cloaks were lined in red silk that flowed down below their feet. Each one held a small bowl of burning incense. The fragrant vapors rose up to their faces and as one the robed figures inhaled the smoke before tossing their bowls to the side. Moving forward they each took up a position, lining up with a triangle that had been carved on the floor. Once they each stood at a corner they immediately raised their hands and began to make numerous symbols. As they finished one of them pulled out a lock of yellow hair and threw it in the middle as they all raised two fingers in front of their face and whispered, "Reborn Jutsu!"
A yellow glow of light suddenly shot up from the floor, encompassing the lock of hair and bathing it in a bright light as a powerful wind swept into the room. All the candles were blown out as the hoods of the three figures were also swept off their heads by the violent gale, revealing three people, a man and two women. The oldest was the male. He had shock white hair and a wrinkled face, his age was hard to determine but he was probably in his late fifties. The other two were both women, and looked identical in every way. Their raven black hair cascaded down from their pale faces which showed them to be no more then twenty or so. The one consistency between all three of them was that their eyes were black, pure obsidian without even a shred of color.
All of them were focused on the lock of hair that hung before them, suspended in the light that swirled and danced around. The old man suddenly gasped, his face growing even more pale as he stumbled back, breaking the triangle and causing the light to fade as the lock of hair fell limply to the ground. "Why did you break the circle Kimoto," one of the girls snarled as she whirled on the old man.
Her twin was slower to react, she slowly raised her hood back up while whispering, "You saw something, didn't you Kimoto?"
"Indeed..." the old man whispered as he brought his hood back over his head. His gnarled hands almost seemed to be shaking as he turned and grabbed a large staff that lay against the wall. "We must contact the Mizukage, he will want to know about these turn of events."
"I don't think that will be needed," the first girl to speak whispered. She blinked as her obsidian eyes began to shimmer before reverting to normal. "I have foreseen something to, the Mizukage... is on his way."
"Here!" the other girl whispered, as her eyes also changed to a normal pair. "Why would he becoming here without us calling him."
"He is not foolish," Kimoto said as he turned and began to make his way out of the room, "We should prepare for our lord, the ninja world is about to change."

The re-lit candles flickered in the soft breeze that blew into the room. The three robed figures each stood in the middle, their hoods covering their faces as they watched the only door that led into their domed room. They didn't stay waiting for long, minutes later the two large double doors were pushed open and four ninja in black robes with ANBU masks quickly floated into the room. Each of them wore and armband that showed they were from the Village Hidden in the Mist and they quickly took up positions in the room.
Seconds later a single form came gliding into the room. The figure wore stark white robes outlined in orange with a round hat that hit most of his face. "Welcome Mizukage," Kimoto said as he stepped forward and bowed, "We are honored by your arrival and were about to call you ourselves."
"Indeed," the Mizukage replied, his gravelly voice filling the room as he stepped forward, "And what news do you have for me, Oracles."
"The time of the prophecies fulfillment is upon us," Kimoto said, his voice strong as he slowly pulled back his hood. "We have gazed and seen, that the child will be born tonight."
"So... you were right," the Mizukage growled, "And is it as we suspected?"
"Yes my Lord," Kimoto murmured, "The child will be born to the one who was prophesied to bring peace to this world."
The Mizukage didn't respond, he just stood where he was, carefully pondering the news as he slowly turned to one of the ANBU. "Alert the troops, we move out to Konoha as soon as possible, the Hokage is about to have a son...
  





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102 Reviews



Gender: Female
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Reviews: 102
Thu Aug 27, 2009 5:30 am
DakotaK says...



Here I go, your review from me. :lol: Anyways, if you don't like it: ignore it. :smt104 I've never watched Naruto so I don' t have anything to compare it to, just as a heads up. :smt026


Prelude


A prelude is the introduction to a song. You might have meant Prologue.

there were few walls, instead pillars supported


I would put a period between walls and instead, to start a new sentence.

The building itself was a piece of artwork. Golden thread had been woven into the numerous tapestries that ordained the walls and thin gold leaf had been pounded into the dome itself. Intricate symbols and designs had been carved into almost every surface, and even the floor itself


You use itself three times in the quote above. When I'm writing I often do this myself. Simply try to find another word to insert in the place of two of them.

As they finished one of them pulled


I would put a coma after finished.

He had shock white hair


Shock is kind of an odd word to put here, I think it would sound better replacing this word. I would also put a period after face.

even more pale as he


You could use paler her.

"Why would he becoming here without us calling him."


Becoming in this instance is two separate words and this should have a question mark as well at the first "Here" in the sentence.

Each of them wore and


And should be an.


Seconds later a single form came gliding into the room.


Coma after later.

that that hit most of his face


Did you mean hid?

the Hokage is about to have a son...


You should end your quotation marks.


*******************************************

Ok, so I thought you did a really great job! The story kept me interested though there was slightly too much detail bogging me down. Don't get me wrong, I'm a detail freak and if you read any of my pieces and their reviews 90% of them have complaints about too much detail (that I worked so hard on too) stuffing it up and drowning everyone. Knowing this is a fan fiction it was kind of evident that you wrote your detail from a visual. Keep up the good work and hopefully you'll be inspire to branch off and create a story that's unique to you. :smt059

~Dakota :smt051
What is important is to know fear and yet take a step forward.
Rosette Christopher

Looking for peeps to review my novel:)

novel.php?id=1142
  








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