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Twilight Princess



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Sun Jun 20, 2010 7:14 pm
Mr.Knightley says...



This is a fanfiction short story (my first ever) based on the Legend of Zelda video games, particularly "Twilight Princess." It's an alternate version of that story, so don't get mad if you read this and it's not exactly what you were expecting. ;) Also, I'm not very enthusiastic about this. I don't feel that it's great at all (in fact, I think it stinks) so any help you may have would be greatly appreciated. :D

***


Link’s hands twitched involuntarily, betraying the anxiety he had tried so hard to mask. Sitting at the marble bench across from him was the source of his inner turmoil: Princess Zelda.

Radiant and stunningly beautiful as ever, Zelda sat tall and proud in her seat—the epitome of regality. Since they had sat down together more than half an hour past, her eyes had not left his. Her sharp, calculating stare immediately put him on edge, and would have under most any circumstances. Not saying a word, she simply watched him.

Impatience—and more than a little curiosity—finally forced Link to break the silence. Clearing his throat to buy some time, he asked, “Why here?”

He breathed an inward sigh of relief as Zelda finally turned away from him to ponder their surroundings:

On every front, serenity weighed down on the senses—as if, by its nature alone, serenity could be so oppressive. Spring grass sprouted all around, broken only in places by various flowers—peonies, soapwort, and lupin, mostly—ancient trees, and small ponds. Over everything lay a glittering gauze of morning dew.

Zelda swept her gaze over all of this and then peered over Link’s shoulder to the stone building beyond: It was a monastery, guarded and run by a group of monks, one of whom was watching them right now, from a respectful distance. They called the ‘escort’ a formality, a way of keeping with tradition and honoring she for whom the monastery had been built: The Great Fairy of the Lake.

Being a Great Fairy, Nicara abhorred violence, instead devoting her near-limitless lifespan—and magical power—towards ways of peace. Overlooking the monastery from a Cliffside on the mountain, one could see the very tops of the great marble arches, under which lay Nicara’s fountain, a place of healing and solace for weary travelers. There, the Great Fairy took her eternal residence watching over all who passed beneath.

And so the monk in turn watched over Link and Zelda. Even these strangers—who abided in a place so isolated that word of the cataclysmic events taking place in the outside world most likely hadn’t reached them—could sense the tension between the two, and were afraid of a conflict.

Finally, Zelda spoke. “Is it not obvious, Link? This is neutral ground.”

Link nodded; he had guessed as much.

He looked away from her, frantically toying with a tassel on his green tunic, trying his best to ignore the silence, which suddenly seemed menacing. At any given moment, the tension between them might snap, and chaos would ensue.

“I can’t imagine what you want,” Link managed to say. “There’s nothing that needs saying between us that hasn’t already been said.”

Zelda opened her mouth as if to respond but hesitated. She turned away from him, making a show of studying her hands as if some essential answer lay hidden in the. For just a moment, a ray of morning sunshine glinted off of something metallic, but on closer inspection Link decided it was the ring on her left hand. He was surprised—and hopeful—that she hadn’t taken it off.

“I-I know,” she said eventually, turning to face him again. “But there’s still so much that you don’t know—that you can’t know, unless you see reason.”

Sudden anger clouded Link’s vision. “Reason?” he spat. “What reason is there in abandoning all of Hyrule, the land you were born to protect? What’s reasonable about abandoning its women and children to a fate worse than death in exchange for a few hollow promises?”

Zelda’s demeanor has visibly darkened. Her hands had balled into tight fists, her jaw had clenched, and the expression on her face was violent.

“Don’t you dare presume to know my motives!” she shouted. “You have no inclination as to why I did what I did! Even now, despite all of these preconceived notions you so enjoy entertaining about me, I’m trying to help you!”

Link cast a nervous glance behind him at the monk. The man was on his feet, wearing a cautionary expression. Though he hadn’t moved any closer, the message was clear.

“Keep your voice down,” Link snapped at Zelda, turning back. “Unless you want our ‘visit’ cut short.”

Zelda closed her eyes, breathing deeply. It was taking her visible effort to relax. Link regretted angering her so; despite all that had transpired between them, he didn’t like to see her angry.

Regaining a modicum of her usual composure, Zelda continued.

“Ganondorf is more than he seems, Link. His plans for Hyrule stretch far beyond covering it in Twilight. You may see him as being tyrannical—evil, even—but the reality is that he’s a visionary!”

A cold ball of dread had settled in the pit of Link’s stomach. Fear-not for him, but for what Zelda had become—wrapped around his heart. She had changed as she spoke. A frightening, almost eager gleam had entered her eyes, and she was focused on something not-quite-there.

“What’s happened to you?” Link said, despair in every syllable. “Oh, Zelda, what have you done?”

She faltered for a moment. Her expression changed to one of guilt, and she looked away.

It didn’t last long, however. In the instant that the change registered in Link’s mind, she was back to her foreign self again, walls rebuilt, thoughts rearranged.

She pressed on as if she hadn’t heard him.

“Ganondorf doesn’t expect you to follow him blindly. For every service you do him, he rewards greatly.”

Zelda’s hand clutched—seemingly without her knowing—at a necklace around her neck. It was nearly all black—black chain, black, mottled pendant—save for a single jewel fixated in its center. The morning sunlight cast off of it was reflected back disfigured…different, somehow.

Sudden realization struck Link like a hammer blow.

“A Fused Shadow! Ganondorf gave you a Fused Shadow?”

Zelda’s eyes widened in surprise. “How did you know? Humans aren’t supposed to be able to--”

She cut off abruptly, anger clouding her features. “Midna showed you how, didn’t she? I knew I should have killed that bitch from the start!”

“Midna?” Link asked, suddenly hopeful. “She’s not dead? But I saw her body! The Zora Queen murdered her!”

Amidst all of the excitement, both Link and Zelda had stood from their seats. Their voices had risen—Zelda’s out of fury, Link’s through urgency. Both had attracted the attention of the monk, who was now weaving his way through ponds and flowerbeds towards them.

Zelda noticed this at the same time as Link. She stepped close to him and folded his hands in her own, looking up at him with piercing eyes.

“Listen to me, Link,” she urged, sparing a glance now and then at the ever-nearing monk. “We don’t have much time, now.”

Link furrowed his brow at her in confusion. Her sudden change in tact caught him off guard, and that was without the startling touch of her skin on his, or the scent of her hair filling his nostrils.

When words failed him, Zelda continued on.

“There are certain events being put into play as we speak. Events that need not affect you. All you have to do is come with me, and you can be safe from harm.”

“Zelda…” Link was at a loss for words as a torrent of emotion threatened to overwhelm him: Fear, anger, sadness, desperation, hope, and a wicked temptation all fought to dominate him.

Sensing his weakness, Zelda pushed him further.

“Please Link! I don’t want to lose you!” Tears misted her eyes and her lower lip trembled. “I-I love you!”

A soft sob escaped her lips, driving Link over the edge and into madness. His own eyes brimming with tears now, he pulled Zelda close to him without a thought for the close proximity f the Fused Shadow hanging around her neck.

“Please don’t do this to me, Zelda,” he moaned. “Don’t ask this impossible thing of me. It’s tearing me apart!”

She wiped a tear from her cheek and looked behind him quickly. “He’s almost here; Link, please!”

He stepped away from her gently, shaking his head. He tried to pull his hands away, but all she did was cling tighter.

But Link had decided.

And as always, the Savior of Hyrule chose to do what was right.

“Zelda, you have to go now. You don’t belong.”

The monk was only ten feet away, now.

Zelda stepped up on the tips of her toes to reach his ear.

Eight feet.

“One.”

Five feet.

“Last.”

Three feet.

“Chance.”

Link spoke gently, but with chilling finality. “I love you, Zelda; you know that. And I always will. But I just ca—"

A sudden pain, sharp and hot, lanced through the palm of Link’s hand. Wincing, he stepped away from Zelda to examine it.

A thin line of blood was dribbling slowly from a cut across his palm no longer than a fingernail and into the grass. It hurt far more than a wound of its size should…What was it from?

His silent question was answered by Zelda, her voice suddenly cold and unfeeling.
“It’s poison, Link. You have minutes to live.”

Link stared at her in disbelief. “Why would you do that? I loved you!”

Zelda breathed a heavy, impatient sigh, the kind used by mothers chiding unseeing children. “You’ve made your decision, Link.” Then, holding aloft a small, metallic needle, she added, “And I made mine long ago.”

The deep hurt of betrayal washed over Link. He swayed on his feet, and his vision was misting.

Poison.

“You won’t succeed,” he said, suddenly desperate. “The monk is coming, and he’ll bring me to Nicara. I’ll live to fight you.” Why did it sound like he was trying to convince himself of that?

Then Zelda laughed. It was a cold, high-pitched, mocking laugh that sent chills down Link’s spine. Only, her mouth hadn’t moved…

“What monk?” said a female voice behind him.

Link spun around at the same time that he lost control over his legs. As he plummeted towards the earth, his cheek smacking the ground, he caught movement out of the corner of his eye. Thankfully, he was spared the suddenly impossible effort of turning his neck as the creature joined him on the ground, head propped by a tiny gray arm.

“What monk?” Midna repeated, a wicked gleam in her orange eyes. “Oh, you mean me!” She laughed that same laugh that Link had mistaken as Zelda’s. “I’ll admit, it was a good disguise, but I’m surprised you didn’t see through it sooner! After all, I did teach you how to spot the Fused Shadows, so something so menial as separating a veil should be easy for the Hero-in-green!”

Link’s whole body was shuddering now with the effects of the poison. Midna was alive? It didn’t make sense! How could Midna be here now when he had seen her die more than a year ago? And why wasn’t she helping him?

And just like that, everything suddenly clicked into place.

Midna showed you how, didn’t she? I knew I should have killed that bitch from the start!

Midna had never died. It had been a ruse, a trick to get him where he was now. Midna had done her job by showing him how to find Fused Shadows, and Zelda had done the rest.

Link’s mind reeled with the shock of how completely he had been duped.

“Come now, Midna,” Zelda chided, stepping around Link’s prone body to pick up the diminutive fairy in her arms. “We mustn’t tease the boy.”

“Erm…sorry, I suppose. But we did get him good, didn’t we?”

Zelda chuckled. “Yes we did, dear. But come; let us leave the Great Hero to die in peace.”

And with a flash, they were gone.

After that, it took only seconds for Link’s vision to darken completely. All his remaining sense dulled into near nonexistence, and he faded into oblivion. From there, his brain lost control of his body, and the muscles began to twitch in spasmodic motions.

And then, along with the strong, steady beat of his heart that had never faltered before this day, they lay still altogether.

The Great Hero of Hyrule had died. Never would he rise again.
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Sun Jun 20, 2010 8:16 pm
Esther Sylvester says...



Holy flying discus Batman!

This was fantastic. I loved every second of it. Gah! I wish I could read more. I seriously, seriously, wish this wasn't a one shot so I could watch my favorite green elf save the day again. I know that you would do well with that too, but oh well. This was great anyway.

There isn't much to critique, really. Your grammar is really solid, and the descriptions are perfect. I can't quite imagine Zelda saying the B word, though, no matter how evil she is. (CURSE HER.) So maybe you should cut that out. But other than that, I could really find nothing wrong with this. Maybe because I am in a daze? Let me look for something...

-Well, I suppose you could have described Zelda's motives a bit more clearly. I'm a little confused about that. Why on earth would she do something like that? I haven't played all of the game yet, though.


Say, would you mind making Link come back as a spirit, or maybe get reincarnated as a wolf so I can read more of this? Have a fairy touch him or something. Okay, fine. I'll stop begging. But I'm going to tell you this is one of the best fanfics I've read. So, keep it up, Knight.

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Sun Jun 20, 2010 9:56 pm
Forestqueen808 says...



Ohmygosh! This was amazing! Sadly, I don't have any pointers, but I guess that is good news for you. Your descriptions were great, your grammar solid, and you totally made it amazing. :D I love the Zelda games, and it didn't dissapoint me. Sometimes, I'll read a fanfiction and get really mad, cause it ruins it. But this didn't at all. I loved it! Keep up the good work!!!

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Sun Jun 20, 2010 11:00 pm
Gladius says...



Knightley!! I didn't know you did Zelda fanfics! :D Ok, so it's the first one, but whatev. xD Now, to get into it.

I'm guessing you've severely changed the course of the Twilight Princess plot, as Midna is never killed. What bugs me is that we don't know just quite enough about your changed storyline to solidly follow this oneshot. I get that Ganondorf is still around (easy to accept; he always seems to come back), but I can't quite tell if Link did kill him and he's only just now coming back and has somehow brainwashed Zelda, or if he never died in the first place or if, in dying, he somehow made a last-ditch attempt to possess Zelda. Throwing Midna into the mix was just even more confusing--plus, I can't see either of these two characters doing something like this (poisoning Link?! Preposterous!) without a very, very, very, very, very, very, very good reason (such as brainwashing or Link having gone literally berserk due to dark magic or something).

Also, the Fused Shadows aren't that small. Unless this is a special kind of Fused Shadow, made with another purpose or modeled off and made from similar materials as the originals, I can't see that concept working very well. Also, the point of its existence is never fully explained. Why is it so important that she has a Fused Shadow, that Link can tell what it is, and that Link is supposed to know what it is but doesn't get any deeper meaning out of its presence?

Anyway! Now for nitpicks. :twisted:

Impatience—and more than a little curiosity—finally forced Link to break the silence.

Have they been sitting here in silence for half an hour?!?! O.o I find that hard to believe. Maybe ten minutes, tops, but not 30.

He breathed an inward sigh of relief as Zelda finally turned away from him to ponder their surroundings:

Don't use a colon here. Period works fine.

Zelda swept her gaze over all of this and then peered over Link’s shoulder to the stone building beyond:

Again, no colon necessary.

one of whom was watching them right now, from a respectful distance.

Unnecessary comma.

The Great Fairy of the Lake.

Not a nitpick here. Just--Great Fairy of the Lake? xD *totally reminded of the Lady of the Lake from Arthurian legend* xD

Being a Great Fairy, Nicara abhorred violence, instead devoting her near-limitless lifespan—and magical power—towards ways of peace. Overlooking the monastery from a Cliffside on the mountain, one could see the very tops of the great marble arches, under which lay Nicara’s fountain, a place of healing and solace for weary travelers. There, the Great Fairy took her eternal residence watching over all who passed beneath.

Ok: 1) The first sentence is a total non-sequitur with your following description; 2) you kinda lost me on the aforementioned description. I get that we're in/on/around Lake Hylia, but I'm not seeing it. It doesn't click with the mental image I have of the lake from the game. You're either going to have to explain the differences a little more clearly or find someway to fit it in the existing structure of the game's Lake (or, barring that, mention any changes indirectly; for example, in a Twilight Princess based fanfiction I have at the moment, there's a pass that's recently been carved out of the lake's wall to allow easier access to the desert).

Even these strangers—who abided in a place so isolated that word of the cataclysmic events taking place in the outside world most likely hadn’t reached them—could sense the tension between the two, and were afraid of a conflict.

The bolded part is a little wordy (yes, I know, I'm guilty of it too, sometimes). I'd at least cut out "in the" and "world" and replace so it reads: who abided in a place so isolated that word of the cataclysmic events taking place outside their world most likely... But it probably needs even more than that. Play with it a bit and see what you can get.

Finally, Zelda spoke. “Is it not obvious, Link? This is neutral ground.”

Neutral ground? For whaaaaat? Their conversation? Neutral ground to each other? neutral ground to the enemy and them? Neutral ground to the Fairy? Neutral ground to the people? Neutral between...?

He looked away from her, frantically toying with a tassel on his green tunic

I can't see him "frantically" toying with it. "Frantic" to me is synonymous with "panic". I don't think he's panicking yet.

but on closer inspection Link decided it was the ring on her left hand. He was surprised—and hopeful—that she hadn’t taken it off.

Whyyyyyyy? Is it a wedding ring? Did he give it to her, whether or not it is? Why is he hopeful about that? Stop killing me with the things left unsaid!!

Sudden anger clouded Link’s vision. “Reason?” he spat. “What reason is there in abandoning all of Hyrule, the land you were born to protect? What’s reasonable about abandoning its women and children to a fate worse than death in exchange for a few hollow promises?”

Whoa whoa whoa. Back up, rewind, cease-desist-STOP! Is he talking about when Zant invaded? Cuz if so, that's all good. Except that you need to make that clearer. If not, we have a problem--a "what the HECK is he talking about?!" problem, and a ginormous one at that.

Zelda’s demeanor had visibly darkened.

Tense. :P *pokes*

“You have no inclination <--Inkling, maybe? as to why I did what I did!


You may see him as being tyrannical—evil, even—but the reality is that he’s a visionary!”

Ouch! Didn't see that one coming. O.o Which brings me to another point: What the heck is Ganondorf's role in this? I can't see it if I twist myself in a knot and read this upside down blindfolded.

Fear-- (full dash)not for him, but for what Zelda had become—wrapped around his heart.


Zelda’s eyes widened in surprise. “How did you know? Humans aren’t supposed to be able to--” (no paragraph cut needed here) She cut off abruptly, anger clouding her features. “Midna showed you how, didn’t she? I knew I should have killed that bitch from the start!”


“I--I love you!”

Again, full dash.

he pulled Zelda close to him without a thought for the close proximity of the Fused Shadow hanging around her neck.

Typo. :P

“He’s almost here. Link, please!”

Full stop.

It hurt far more than a wound of its size should…#What was it from?

Put a space after. The next sentence isn't a direct continuation of the previous thought.

He swayed on his feet, and his vision was misting.

I'd make this "misted" to match "swayed".

“The monk is coming,

Um, he's standing three feet from them? O.o

head propped up by a tiny gray arm.


“I’ll admit, it was a good disguise, but I’m surprised you didn’t see through it sooner! After all, I did teach you how to spot the Fused Shadows, so something so menial as separating a veil should be easy for the Hero-in-green!”

Question. Why is Midna suddenly in on this? This goes with my whole motive schpiel from earlier. After teaching him how to do this, why does she decide he needs to die?

Midna had done her job by showing him how to find Fused Shadows, and Zelda had done the rest.

What job? WHYYYYYYYYY?!?! :evil:

The Great Hero of Hyrule had died. Never would he rise again.

I'd just say "Never would the Great Hero of Hyrule rise again." We get that he's dead. Don't have to spell it out for us. Just saying. :)

And that be that. Ignoring those nitpicks and the things I mentioned previously about the plot, this was an awesome read! :D Very unique.

I hope to see more Zelda from you in the future! I'm totally there; PM if you get another posted. :D :D
~Glad
When Heroes fall and the Sacred Blade is captured, can Evil be stopped?~The Wings of Darkness

I'm also ZeldaMoogle on Fanfiction.net!

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Mon Jun 21, 2010 4:21 am
lilymoore says...



Hello Mr. Knightly! So, I saw the title of this and I couldn’t resist reviewing it. I’ve never been a huge Zelda fan but I did start playing Twilight Princess at my cousin’s house a few weeks ago. Never got very far unfortunately. :(
Anyways...

Overlooking the monastery from a Cliffside on the mountain,


I’m really just wondering why you capitalized “cliff side” here. When it’s one word, it’s the name of a town, I think, because my Microsoft Word just automatically capitalized it. But it should probably become two words.

as if some essential answer lay hidden in the.


Oops, did you mean ‘them’ at the end. :D

But Glad seems to have covered the rest of the hefty stuff.
Otherwise this is good. My biggest concern is, in the game, does Midna really almost get killed. I was oddly very fond of her.
Great twist on Zelda and Link’s story though. :D Good job, Mr. Knightly!

~lilymoore
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Tue Jun 22, 2010 12:41 pm
Mr.Knightley says...



Hi everyone! Thanks for your reviews. :D And just to clarify...I don't really know that much about the game. I do have it, but I haven't finished playing it yet, so I just used the information I had and twisted it into an alternate ending that would most likely never happen. ;)

Thanks for pointing out my typos as well. I didn't really notice them. :P

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Sun Jun 27, 2010 7:43 pm
Rosendorn says...



Hey Knightley.

My work with Glad catches up to me. :P Ah well. Since I don't actually know anything about the games, I can't comment on how the plot actually goes. (I only know soooome parts of cannon. Thanks to/blame Glad. Also, since Glad tends to mess with Cannon a bit, I might get something wrong, lol)

This just seemed too perfect a situation, to be honest. The fact nobody is around when there's a shrine there, the fact Link's senses completely fail him when, from what I could gather, that's the one thing he never lets fail. The way she gets close to give him the poison and the way Link never sees through it— I just don't like how the logic adds up. It doesn't add up, if I may be blunt. It just seems like one set of coincidences after another.

I was also rather lost at the beginning. Yes, it's fanfic, but when you've taken a ton of liberties with the plot you need to set up a lot more of a background and artfully infodump information so readers can have a clue what is going on. I say "artfully" because, of course, we want no massive chunks of information in our faces (check the paragraphs about the fairy. I believe they fall under the "choking infodump" because they are long and just by skimming it I got all the information I needed out of them. Meaning they are full of unneeded information.).

I also find you're not really giving us much reason to get into the characters. This could be a trait of fanfiction, the characters are already established in people's heads so there (supposedly) isn't as much character-relating needed, but I'd like to see it anyway. It would also help the somewhat detached feel, I find, in the whole story. Especially at the end when Link's dying. I didn't feel anything from that, really. I hadn't gotten attached to Link enough in this story to feel sad at him dying. I felt a bit sad, but the scene wasn't as heart-wrenching as it could have been, I don't think. Had I related to the characters more, that would have helped.

Overall, this reads like a bit of a plot outline. Each event that has to happen just happens, with no richness put in to make things seem logical or past one lair of complexity. The romance bit also felt downplayed, a lot, as did the Hero's duty towards Hyrule. Everything that showed up really just felt like something that had to be mentioned and got mentioned where the plot of the story dictated it should be mentioned. Flesh out those points to make this flow a lot more.

Hope this helps, and PM me if you have any questions.

~Rosey
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Wed Jul 07, 2010 11:50 pm
irishfire says...



TIMMMMMAAAAY! *tacklehugs* Irie es here!

Ok, first of all. I love you for writing this. This was incredible! I loved it :D I love Zelda, but not when she's having that time of the month which she seems to be having in here. *tsk tsk* ANYWHO!

These are the only things I saw:

Zelda opened her mouth as if to respond but hesitated. She turned away from him, making a show of studying her hands as if some essential answer lay hidden in the


I think you mean "them"? ;)

Fear-not for him, but for what Zelda had become—wrapped around his heart.


Me tinks that there was supposed to be a space here?

For every service you do him, he rewards greatly.”


I think you missed a word here. I mean it makes some sense without it, but it sounds weird.

His own eyes brimming with tears now, he pulled Zelda close to him without a thought for the close proximity f the Fused Shadow hanging around her neck.


I think you mean "of"? :D

Link stared at her in disbelief. “Why would you do that? I loved you!”



This sounded a wee bit awkward to me. I would suggest just ending it at "Why?"
Like "Why? I loved you!" Something like that?

Well, thats all I saw Timtard!! Thanks for the read! It was wicked awesome! :D (No, I did not use wicked on purpose...)

Keep up the wicked awesome work (Now I did ;) )

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Sun Jan 30, 2011 4:15 pm
armstronge says...



The story was quite interesting but i was quite confused while reading it.
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Mon Jan 31, 2011 12:09 am
Sunshine says...



This was really interesting! Although I've never played the game this is from I'll use my otherwise limited Zelda knowledge to understand it! I'm a little late (again) but I'll give my hand. I really wasn't expecting that ending (at all) but found the way you put it very artful. Also the background knowledge seems a bit flimsy. It may be just me but did they really just get there? Why were they sitting in silence? I liked your imagery as well! Anyway, great work and keep writing!
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Tue Feb 01, 2011 3:23 am
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AdventurerDaniel says...



Wow that is the first word that comes to mind that level of plot twist blew my mind totally works though while it doesn't make sense that Midna or Zelda would betray him it's great that she did it with such stealth and elegance. The way in the end that Midna and Zelda seemed to play it off as a mere prank with cruel intent was the best part in my opinion.
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Fri Feb 25, 2011 5:47 am
cali34rniasummer says...



I've always loved Zelda video games *tee-hee* and so is this one! :]
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Fri Mar 04, 2011 1:45 pm
Jalmoc says...



You've put my heart in turmoil... I love the Zelda series, I never would have expected this. Its very well written though, excuse me while i wipe the tears from my eyes.. Ok, thats better. So i would love if you continue this, but maybe bring link back somehow? :) Please?! Lol. Well I'll stop begging. :p Great story though
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