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A Proper Introduction- Zuko & Momo



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Mon Jul 12, 2010 6:18 am
ChunSquirrelArtiste says...



A/N: This is just a quick one shot I wrote for Avatar, with the prompt "Introduction." Please give concrits :) They are greatly appreciated.


A Proper Introduction


Zuko was in an especially good mood. The cool summer breeze had settled in and along with it came the song of the languid locusts, brown-eyed badgerfrogs, and sprightly sparrowkeets.

He was nearly alone in the grand, centuries-old air temple. The arrow-headed boy, waterbending girl and boomerang boy had gone to replenish the supply of water and food. The blind girl was off on the plateau somewhere playing with her bending and the three others could be found messing around in a far-off courtyard.

Though he very much appreciated the presence of the others and the growing companionship between them, he was delighted for a bit of solitude. Among the damp, temperate atmosphere of the grounds his mind could ease up and open to the realms of reflection and self-realization. Inspired in part by his first appearance here, many memories were to be brought up amid the temple, especially those of his uncle and the incomparable friendship the man had given him.

On the smooth stone ledge, gazing out into the eroded, forever spanning wall of earth he lounged with his feet hanging and a half-eaten peach in his hand. He hummed a song his uncle had taught him years ago. He could hardly recall the words anymore, but the tune was clear in his mind. It was cheerful, syncopated and largo. He repeated the tune over and over again, a light, reminiscent sensation filling his chest.

The nearby flying bison snorted in his sleep and rattled the ground. The boy looked round and ceased humming.

He was surprised to find it was nearly nightfall. Surely his friends, if he could call them so yet, would return any minute. Zuko rose from his spot on the ancient, long-deprived tile and glanced about him. How romantic the scene of the hour was, the late light spanning out across the elegant but forgotten grounds, painting them a spectrum of hues, giving light to the stone pillars, the ancient tapestries and murals of the nomads. He had once heard one of the younger children, Drake was his name? or Luke? Zuko couldn’t remember. He had once heard the child speak of a giant Pai Sho table somewhere here, and that had sparked the prince’s interest. It wasn’t that he much enjoyed the game, especially not that he was good at it, but that he held a sort of sentimental connection to it.

He headed toward that room now, careful to see that none were near to observe him heading there, in case they ask him to play. A quick glance. That’s all he wanted.

He arrived in the sparsely lit room, a large corridor with a high, flat ceiling and tall open windows. There were two dozen gold-painted, peeling pillars scattered about the room and a long painting of flying bison and lemurs spread out upon the western wall. In the middle was the largest Pai Sho table Zuko had ever seen. Its radius had to have been ten feet, the square, mutely colored blocks no less than a foot in length. His breath escaped from him for a moment, his mind wondering upon the brilliance of that forgotten race for which the avatar boy solely represented.

There was a rustle behind him. Instinctively, he turned round with fists ready and eyes scrutinizing. But there was no threat to be found. There was nothing at all to be found. The grounds were as silent and deserted as ever.

There was another rustle. Zuko bit his lip and groaned. Just as he was about to call out for the person to identify himself a white blur came shooting past him.

“What the heck,” he exclaimed, taking a step back.

He saw the object of the noise settle in upon the middle of the table and chuckled to himself. It was the avatar’s lemur.

“Obnoxious little thing, aren’t you,” laughed the boy.

The lemur looked upon him with those wide green-colored eyes and chattered something indistinct. His ears folded behind his head and cherry-sized paws clasped together. Slowly, with a hesitant glance at the boy, the animal approached him.

Bemused, Zuko withdrew the half-eaten peach from his trouser pocket and held it out before him.

As if all question had escaped the lemur’s mind, Momo came leaping toward the boy, before he could comprehend it, and gratefully snatched the peach from his hand. He landed on the boy’s shoulder and gave a soft titter that served as his thanks.

“You’re welcome,” Zuko replied, half laughing. He reached up and patted the lemur on the head.

Momo returned to the edge of the giant table and devoured his treat. A broad, involuntary smile spread across the boy’s face.

He stretched out his arm again and the animal looked curiously at him, peach in paws, eyes large and questioning, as if he was requesting the fruit back.

“I don’t believe we’ve been properly introduced,” said the boy.

The lemur set his treasure aside and took to deliberately sniffing the hand before him. He then scanned it with his tiny paws before Zuko kindly seized one and shook it genially.

Momo looked quite perplexed.
“My name is Zuko. I am the prince of the Fire Nation.” He released the small paw and chuckled. “And what is your name, fella?”
It gave a little twitter, chirping two short syllables, and then purring most enthusiastically.

“Nice to meet you,” Zuko added, nodding his head.

The lemur purred louder and swooped up from the table. Once again he landed upon the boy’s shoulder, this time taking to pick at the boy’s scalp as though it were a nest for insects.

“I suppose that’s your way of showing affection?”

Everyone has their ways, Zuko thought, returning to the courtyard with his new companion still picking at his head.
  





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Mon Jul 12, 2010 8:52 pm
Cirque says...



Hello, my name is Cirque and I'll be your reviewer for today. What I found as I read through your story is that your explanation was phenomenal. You didn't bog down the reader with endless words that mean nothing and you seemed to tie it off really well.

The arrow-headed boy, waterbending girl and boomerang boy


This sounds awkward. I can't place my finger on it, but something about having boy twice kind of throws me off. If you positioned the boys into one as so; The waterbending girl, arrow-headed and boomerang boys. This sounds relatively better, though I'm going to leave it up to you.

On an overall, this was a very good read. Seeming since I love my Avatar: The Last Airbender, I couldn't help but take a look at your story. The appearance is something I find most readers tend to neglect. Yes, it's true that it's in the writing, though as a reviewer I find it tormenting to have to review cramped writing and often, I lose my thought train because of so many darn words.

With this though, I found that-again-your writing looked hot! :lol: I mean chik...appropriate?
  





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Tue Jul 27, 2010 3:27 am
vox nihili says...



ChunSquirrelArtiste wrote:A/N: This is just a quick one shot I wrote for Avatar, with the prompt "Introduction." Please give concrits :) They are greatly appreciated.


A Proper Introduction


Zuko was in an especially good mood. The cool summer breeze had settled in and along with it came the song of the languid locusts, brown-eyed badgerfrogs, and sprightly sparrowkeets.


Oh man, you got species of animals from the show! Great detailing!


He was nearly alone in the grand, centuries-old air temple. The arrow-headed boy, waterbending girl and boomerang boy had gone to replenish the supply of water and food. The blind girl was off on the plateau somewhere playing with her bending and the three others could be found messing around in a far-off courtyard.


Gives the setting for people who have followed the show, he's at the air temple getting ready to ask to be Aang's teacher.

Though he very much appreciated the presence of the others and the growing companionship between them, he was delighted for a bit of solitude. Among the damp, temperate atmosphere of the grounds his mind could ease up and open to the realms of reflection and self-realization. Inspired in part by his first appearance here, many memories were to be brought up amid the temple, especially those of his uncle and the incomparable friendship the man had given him.

On the smooth stone ledge, gazing out into the eroded, forever spanning wall of earth he lounged with his feet hanging and a half-eaten peach in his hand. He hummed a song his uncle had taught him years ago. He could hardly recall the words anymore, but the tune was clear in his mind. It was cheerful, syncopated and largo. He repeated the tune over and over again, a light, reminiscent sensation filling his chest.

This bit is great, absolutely beautiful, but I think he should be thinking about what he's going to do as well.



The nearby flying bison snorted in his sleep and rattled the ground. The boy looked round and ceased humming.



He arrived in the sparsely lit room, a large corridor with a high, flat ceiling and tall open windows. There were two dozen gold-painted, peeling pillars scattered about the room and a long painting of flying bison and lemurs spread out upon the western wall. In the middle was the largest Pai Sho table Zuko had ever seen. Its radius had to have been ten feet, the square, mutely colored blocks no less than a foot in length. His breath escaped from him for a moment, his mind wondering upon the brilliance of that forgotten race for which the avatar boy solely represented.

I pictured it bigger, but hey, it's your story.



He saw the object of the noise settle in upon the middle of the table and chuckled to himself. It was the avatar’s lemur.

Needs to be capitalized.

“Obnoxious little thing, aren’t you,” laughed the boy.

The lemur looked upon him with those wide green-colored eyes and chattered something indistinct. His ears folded behind his head and cherry-sized paws clasped together. Slowly, with a hesitant glance at the boy, the animal approached him.

Love the description.




The lemur purred louder and swooped up from the table. Once again he landed upon the boy’s shoulder, this time taking to pick at the boy’s scalp as though it were a nest for insects.

“I suppose that’s your way of showing affection?”


This bit is rather funny. I like it.

Everyone has their ways, Zuko thought, returning to the courtyard with his new companion still picking at his head.

Great ending line.





Overall: I love it. Zuko is one of my favorite characters, and Momo is just cool in general.
I really loved the description of the Air Temple and the images your story conjures.
I can just picture it.

My only thought is that he would probably be a little more anxious since he's about to confront the Avatar with a really unlikely request.

~Voxina
  





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Fri Jul 30, 2010 2:26 pm
M4st3rm1Nd says...



M4st3rm1Nd is in, and I'm going to review your work, for free--ish.

First off, as fan of Avatar it was cool to see someone else's take on it, and also to see a continuation of the story. Your writing is really detailed and in-depth, and still was funny. It border-lined serious, but you captured Zuko's perspective really well. It was interesting how you incorporated parts of the series from later before this scene without sounding like you were telling a different story, they just fit into the flow. I Loved it, and I hope you PM me if you decide to write more. Especially if they involve avatar!
o 0
W

--MM
I♥COWS

ME:I WILL TAKE OVER THE WORLD!
Bystander:Right...Of course You will.
ME:You dare doubt MasterMind?!
Bystander:Quite Frankly I think You're Crazy.
ME:What?FACE MY WRATH! *Stabs Bystander with pointy pen*
Bystander:You're Pretty sad...you know that*Walks Away*
*cries in cornor*
  





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Tue Aug 03, 2010 10:14 pm
horsegirl2 says...



I am a huge Avatar fan and I think you did a wonderful job. The only thing I would change is that I don't think Zuko would use the word "fella". Great job, it was very true to the series.
~Horses let my spirit fly~
"We must do with out hope...Let us gird ourselves and weep no more" - J.R.R. Tolkien
  








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