Young Writers Society

Nit picks

I layed laid across the backseat of Jake's car.

It's laid, not layed... I'm pretty sure.

I wish I could understand what the big deal is... I'm sick thats that's all." here you must say who is talkingJake and Dad breifly looked...

... and I before E except after C... it's briefly.

"Nessie, lets go talk... at the cottage."

Shouldn't it be in the cottage?

This couldn't be happening, but it's the only logical explaination. explanation

Another spelling error, you may want to run spell check next time.

I knew why they were concerned becuase I had nearly killed my mother when I was born. because

Spelling error again.

Over all

I liked it, wasn't what I was expecting at all. Usually I hate anything Twilight related. To make me even say I like it is a great achievement! Great job and keep writing!

Cute, but it feels like Breaking Dawn 2.0. Try a different approach. Where do they live? They couldn't possibly have stayed in Forks with Nessie aging so rapidly and with the Cullens not aging at all. Why marriage? That's never really been Jake's thing, or at least it never seemed that way. Meyer put that into her writing because it's what she believes in, religiously and morally, so you don't have to choose the same route. And wouldn't the people in Forks find it strange that Jake, a 20+ year old man is marrying the girl that he helped raise a few days after her 18th birthday? So, I guess my biggest complaint is that this doesn't seem well planned at all. Think, plan, and then write. Fanfiction is great because you can take your readers anywhere and you have a built-in audience so take advantage of that. I'd like to hear about how special Nessie is, what highschool is like for her, maybe she has a teacher who has a crush on Jake and that causes a bit of a problem for them. I'm just throwing things out there, wow us the way we all know you can.

Hey, This is a really good idea!

The use of the word layed does not quite flow, and it breaks up the first sentence, you need to put a stronger word in!

I layed across the backseat of Jake's car.

Nessie knows that Jake really cares, so she would know he would be worried, so rather than saying for some reason, say something along the lines of "as he usually is".

Jake was worried for some reason, it wasn't anything real serious.

Maybe find a better word than horrible?

I'd never tell him but he was horrible cook, and when I say horrible I mean horrible.

My does not need a capital letter!

"How are you feeling?" My Dad asked.

Being sick is a big deal, if your Jake, and you know what is happening to you because it happened to your mother

"Okay, I guess. I wish I could understand what the big deal is... I'm sick thats all."

Overall this is a really good idea and I really liked it, well done! Keep writing xD

I say keep going i wanna find out more about this character i was wondering how the whole Jacob/Renesmee thing was gonna work out. werewolf+halfvampire+halfhuman=one interesting baby. so really other than what the other have already pointed out i didn't see much of anything. but there is one thing you might wanna change it jsut enough so it's not the exact same story over again. This way you won't get in trouble for plagiarism or anything.

i like it keep writing i want to know what happens next

Hi,
Ok first off I think this has mega potential its just that its more than predictable, its almost self explanatory. I think if your going to write about renesmee she must have her own personality and color ya know. I think you should back up a bit, your diving into the climax of breaking dawn just ten years later. Its just very predictable. Check me out ~MAri0O07~

I like this, good imagination, just needs some work.